Wife now dating someone else - I'm so hurt. Is this normal?

[orionboxing]

I guess you can analyze all the smaller details that I've given - but I guess I'm shocked that I'd be feeling THIS way nearly a year after this happened.

 

My question remains unanswered....is it normal to hurt like this? Do some men cry about things like this even when things are long over?

 

This past week wasn't the first time I've cried post breakup. I cried when I finally moved out (she cried too) after living in the same house with her for five months after we separated (we couldn't sell our place, and decided to be cordial to each other until it finally sold). Cried when I filled out the paperwork with her, she cried too. Cried sometimes at my new place when in deep thought about our past and about how she was hurting.

 

BTW, I did call her on several occasions when she stayed with her parents to talk things through and try to help her.

 

Maybe this past week was the beginning of that final closure? I don't know. I hope. This sting needs to end. This has been the most bizarre grieving process I've ever been through...and I'm trying to ride it out.

 

In retrospect, seeing her again was probably a bad decision, but it had to be done due to financial issues which were basically beyond my control. She has also yet to follow up with some other financial related matters that I emailed her about the day after our meeting this week. Frustrating, to say the least.

 

I don't want to bother her...but she does need to resolve this financial stuff with me. I wonder what the hold up is and I wonder if she went into some type of tailspin (again) after I left the parking lot that night, because in the past she was usually is pretty good about replies when we were trying to work out the sale of our house.

 

Thanks to those who have helped with their replies.

[orionboxing]

I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out, Orion. Thank god at least that you got out before you had kids and/or many years of misery. A marriage is a huge part of life that you thought was all settled and then it went sour. I am not at all surprised it still hurts and that it will take time before you feel like getting back out there after something like this. I'm not surprised it hurt to see her seem to move on so quickly, either, kind of two sides of the same coin, maybe. If I were you, I think I would write that letter explaining your feelings just to clarify them to yourself, but probably don't mail it. Since she has already shown a lot of coldness about your feelings, I think it might just make you feel worse to give her a chance to do it again. Good luck to you.

 

You make solid points. Thanks.

[orionboxing]

orionboxing, as far as i can see, the only thing that you have done wrong is that you care TOO much. For everyone

You seem so scared of hurting ANYONES feelings and for that reason you have none of your own?

Is that why `you get on so well with your ex`s` ??

When i 1st read your initial post , that was the 1st thing that came to my mind.

 

Hey..

 

I don't know. This is just how my life has been. EVERY ex (with the exception of one who was just a terrible person in every way conceivable so I'm not surprised) has sought me out via Facebook the entire time I've had an account. Some are now married, some are not.

 

I'm not an ass and I feel hate is just wasted energy.

[Dragonfruit]

A year later. Weeelll, I guess it's all how you look at it but I will say I probably have socks and junk piled up on my dresser that I've been meaning to put away for a year... Now if it was five years, maybe that would seem like there could be more going on there. Seeing her again probably started it all up again, or it's possible that you fell into a depression, which would not be uncommon, and return of feelings can be kind of rough. Just my opinion.

[Dragonfruit]

Or... perhaps it's always possible that the two of you have learned something the hard way and genuinely miss each other and should try again? Just a thought.

[orionboxing]

Or... perhaps it's always possible that the two of you have learned something the hard way and genuinely miss each other and should try again? Just a thought.

 

I'll be honest. After enduring about two years of the following:

 

1. Being told I was too skinny (I run nearly elite times in track) and that if I'd gain weight she'd be more inclined to have sex with me.

 

2. Her criticizing just about every thing I did (my job hours, not making enough money for her to live out a fairytale life even though we did well and had a brand new home in a nice suburb.)

 

3. Her pressuring me to make a baby with her, even though we were rarely intimate.

 

and

 

4. Her criticizing my family almost every holiday...

 

...it was a relief to separate. My immediate family and some of my friends did not like her. She had no real close friends - none of her bridesmaids really communicate with her anymore.

 

Her parents and her extended family however, loved me. Whatever friends she does have still talk with me (but we don't talk about her).

 

In many ways, her parents knew that I was the right guy for her because I was patient - and in their words - "strong and genuine"

 

Conversely, my parents told me after the separation that "No guy will ever tolerate this woman. But you DID." A lot of truth to that. Whoever the new guy is in her life has really no clue what he is in for. Unless she has completely re-wired herself, which by her behavior this week, that has not happened.

 

I feel it's emotional investment and time I spent with her that still lingers. This is where the feelings and tears are coming from.

 

Sorry for such long responses. Seriously...I'm thinking I'm boring/tiring people here.

Edited March 9, 2013 by orionboxing

[Dragonfruit]

So it's sadness but not regrets over getting divorced. Well, you made it through the first year. Guess it all improves from here, huh? I find that more people are difficult than aren't difficult. Um, I guess that could be me haha. But I think it is just extremely important that a spouse be easy to be around and content or something along those lines anyway, you know? Life is hard enough, they need to have your back, not be your worst misery. I'm sure you do not feel lucky right now but at least you get another chance now. It sounds like you made a very good choice, even though it was hard. Good luck.

[orionboxing]

So it's sadness but not regrets over getting divorced. Well, you made it through the first year. Guess it all improves from here, huh? I find that more people are difficult than aren't difficult. Um, I guess that could be me haha. But I think it is just extremely important that a spouse be easy to be around and content or something along those lines anyway, you know? Life is hard enough, they need to have your back, not be your worst misery. I'm sure you do not feel lucky right now but at least you get another chance now. It sounds like you made a very good choice, even though it was hard. Good luck.

 

Dragonfruit, you are awesome. I'm very thankful for your advice/thoughts.

[Gunny376]

 

Why thank you Gunny - never been wooed by a strong, patriotic front-line guy, before....

 

 

(But you'd have to bypass Gorilla Theater first.... Him 'n' me.... we're quite a match..... )

 

But bless your heart!

 

Well you know us Marines?

 

You can trust us with your money! You can trust us with your Life! You just can't trust us with your Wife!

 

BTW? I go out early each morning, hunt and eat Gorilla's for breakfast with nothing but my trusty Marine K-bar field knife! Tarzan style (Doing tha' Tarzan yell and beating on chest!)

 

Oooooooraaaahhhhha! Marine Corps!

[orionboxing]

Or... perhaps it's always possible that the two of you have learned something the hard way and genuinely miss each other and should try again? Just a thought.

 

I thought a lot about this last night. It's almost if we might have benefited from a trial separation of a few months to sit back, reflect, and re-evaulate some things. Easy to say now - but at the time this just wasn't in cards.

 

With that trial separation, I could have got back to thinking what I could have been doing to get into us into a better position relationship-wise instead merely being on the defensive. Defensive here meaning trying to constantly put out fires and calm situations that I was constantly finding myself in when I honestly was doing nothing wrong. I just wasn't finding solutions on my own. Our counseling wasn't even enough.

 

A close friend of mine told me that "this was probably a pretty good wake up call for her - she was taking you for granted". True, she was - but I still don't think she will change in the long run. I don't think she really learned anything, except "moving on", but not really fixing her problems.

 

I will guarantee that she probably sees a long future with this new guy. She will be 31 this year and wants kids because her clock is ticking. This guy will feel that pressure I felt and things will escalate quickly - not a in natural way like they should. Then, for whatever reason, she won't be satisfied with all that he is DOING, and turn completely sour towards him again. Except this guy will probably know better than I did and not take her BS and split. And at this point, she will probably think back to how good she had it with someone like me...except that option isn't available anymore.

 

Ugh...long winded again. Sorry. I need to get out of the house today.

[Mr. Lucky]

I will guarantee that she probably sees a long future with this new guy. She will be 31 this year and wants kids because her clock is ticking. This guy will feel that pressure I felt and things will escalate quickly - not a in natural way like they should. Then, for whatever reason, she won't be satisfied with all that he is DOING, and turn completely sour towards him again. Except this guy will probably know better than I did and not take her BS and split. And at this point, she will probably think back to how good she had it with someone like me...except that option isn't available anymore.

Your problem in a nutshell, my friend. You don't know anything about this guy - or if he even exists, you have only your wife's word - and yet you've constructed a whole backstory and projected their relationship forward to include children.

 

Get a hobby. Join a book club. Take up long distance bike racing. Get an effing life, stop thinking about her and start planning what you're going to be doing for the next 40 or 50 years. There's 3.5 billion women in the world, only one of which is your STBxW. Start mingling with the rest of them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[orionboxing]

True - who knows if this guy even exists?

 

Getting out last night seemed to help me out. I've been really good about NC. Talking to a few people last night via phone calls have helped the pain subside, and believe me, I've got tons on my plate activity-wise that made things better than they could be.

 

>There's 3.5 billion women in the world, only one of which is your STBxW

 

If you only knew how many people have said this to me...or how many times I've actually said that to other people when they've reached out to me. Thanks though!

[orionboxing]

Just a quick update. I'm doing much better today.

 

I think this past week I was glorifying my ex more than I should in my head. Thinking way too much about the good experiences, the amazing times we had in bed, dancing with her at bars/clubs (when she had a nice figure...lol), or trips we took prior to being married, the way she treated me prior to us being engaged...

 

....But forgetting all the selfish stuff, the lack of support she gave me in my endeavors, the constant bitching about EVERYTHING and her generally depressed state, the fact that she wouldn't even sleep with me on our two-year anniversary VACATION.

 

...and I'm thinking about how she is just jumping into this new relationship without fixing all the personal problems that she has. As if bringing a guy into her life is some sort of solution. What was now one miserable person will be two miserable people. That poor guy. I should send him a card.

 

I realize that I'm one who is winning here. I was man enough to offer her support post divorce anytime she needed it. It's too bad she doesn't have the emotional maturity extend that favor back when I needed it. I think that speaks volumes about our relationship in that I was always supporting and she was always knocking it down.

 

I'm realizing all the qualities that I have to give in a relationship and how I'm content with myself when I'm not in one. How (if the right one does come along) they will see a versatile, patient guy with a passion for life (something she clearly doesn't have).

 

I am chomping at the bit to speak with our old marriage counselor this week to finally get her take on our failed marriage, now that it has died. Hopefully it be a learning lesson for myself that I bring forward into the next phase of my life.

 

I'm ready for this closure...I want this pain to subside.

[orionboxing]

OK - so I had my appointment with my old marriage counselor today and she was able to give some perspective on our relationship now that it is over.

 

1. Our counselor described my wife as bright and exuberant. A pretty woman who had a need for constant control and order. She stated that my passions and personality were too tough for her to mold into what she wanted out of a husband. She also stated that my wife shouldn't have tried to control me as much as she did.

 

2. Our counselor is disappointed that my wife did not give me the chance find closure with our meeting last week. She said that my wife should have exercised more emotional maturity and listened to what I had to say. However, she stated that my wife actually did love me a lot (based on her personal observations) and is probably still hurt by all that has happened.

 

3. According to my counselor, my wife throwing it in my face that she was "seeing someone" was a chance opportunity for her to inflict pain on me and she took it. My wife jumping into "a relationship" a mere three months after our official divorce is probably reactionary...and that she should fix her personal problems before moving on.

 

4. The counselor wants to speak with me in two weeks...says it a bit abnormal to grieve late like I'm doing. She would like to speak to my ex-wife and myself at the same time (she has done this with divorced couples before), but is skeptical that my wife will agree to it.

 

...so basically that's where I'm at.

[Mr. Lucky]

She would like to speak to my ex-wife and myself at the same time (she has done this with divorced couples before), but is skeptical that my wife will agree to it.

Absolutely seems like it would be a step backwards for you. News Flash - you're divorced! You have no fences to mend with her, no bridges to cross, no doors to close. You've got your new life, she's got hers and never the twain shall meet. Absent kids, that's how divorce normally works.

 

This is a time for you to be, if not selfish, at least self-oriented. How will you find fulfillment? Enrichment? Passion? Excitement? Love? You've got big questions and bigger opportunities ahead. Get you head out of your p(ass)st...

 

Mr. Lucky

[orionboxing]

Absolutely seems like it would be a step backwards for you. News Flash - you're divorced! You have no fences to mend with her, no bridges to cross, no doors to close. You've got your new life, she's got hers and never the twain shall meet. Absent kids, that's how divorce normally works.

 

This is a time for you to be, if not selfish, at least self-oriented. How will you find fulfillment? Enrichment? Passion? Excitement? Love? You've got big questions and bigger opportunities ahead. Get you head out of your p(ass)st...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I totally understand your point. Maybe I shouldn't have shared what our/my counselor said today.

 

This woman is a counselor we had for a least a year or more and we had weekly sessions with her. She knows us very well and gives us perspective. She has helped us with the problems we've had together, and now separately. She has soothed over so many problems that we previously had and that I tend to trust her judgement because she did make our life a lot better - but the end result is what it is - no denying that!

 

Look, I'm trying to get through this the best I can. I'm using every avenue possible to get myself on track, follow my heart, understand what happened, get moving forward, rebuild, and mend. I'm being proactive about my situation.

[Mystery2Me]

Hello OB, Hope today is better for you.

 

You are clearly hurting and overwhlemed by the delayed emotional impact of the breakdown of your marriage....and I am sorry for you.

 

Your couselor has confirmed much of the feedback you received here after your orginal post, but struggled in accepting the main point of: You have a great deal of un-processed grief to address after the divorce.

 

Trust me I know confronting grief and taking responsiblity your part in the marriage breakdown is some rough stuff, and sometimes it is easier/less personally painful to just focus ALL BLAME on the SPOUSE.

 

Yes this tool is useful and necessary....BUT it will NOT give you the complete closure.

 

You've got to be brave enough to claim your part and learn from it, so you can let go of the pain caused by your wife....because you will remain a imprisoned victim by making it ALL about what SHE did or did not DO.

 

You are a SINGLE man, but you are still living as a COUPLE. The legal process of divorce will not make you emotionally single, only working thru the grief process/ending the emotional marriage will free you.

 

Be very kind to yourself and take care. ~Mystery

[Mr. Lucky]

 

You are a SINGLE man, but you are still living as a COUPLE. The legal process of divorce will not make you emotionally single, only working thru the grief process/ending the emotional marriage will free you.

Well said. And at some point you have to decide how many years you're going to invest in a process with no payoff at the end. What is the upside of this after-the-fact reconciliation? You're still going to wake up tomorrow single and with your life in front of you...

 

Mr. Lucky