J_L_C Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 My ex-boyfriend and I broke up 7 months ago. The breakup came out of the blue but he said it had been building for awhile. Anyway, a week after the breakup, I went to his place to drop off his things. I called first but he didn't answer. This was my first clue that I shouldn't have gone up there. Turns out I 'interrupted' things between he and a girl he had over...less than a week after we split. I was so shocked, upset and dumbfounded. Immediately it dawned on me "this a--hole had been cheating on me the whole time!!!". I left angry, upset and in hysterics. He called me later and explained that he had met her at a bar 3 weeks BEFORE we broke up. He asked for her number, and 'the only thing' they did was text back and forth. It wasn't until we split that he went out with her and became sexual with her...so he says. I know it's hard to postulate, but do you think something was actually going on with them behind my back? I should point out that they only saw each other a few times and now he's back out on the dating prowl. Anyway, I never got the cheater vibe from him, but I certainly never thought he'd do this either. If it wasn't physical cheating, would this be considered emotional cheating? He said it didn't count as cheating at all because he was basically done with our relationship in his head. Well, HELLO!?! I didn't know anything was wrong until the very day he dropped the breakup bomb on my head!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Neffer Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Well too bad for him because he doesn't get to make the rules as to what constitutes cheating. Yes he cheated. At the very least emotionally. You don't go scouting around while you are still in a relationship and you don't chat with that other prospect as if you are a free man. I doubt the other girl even knew he had a girlfriend- likely why that relationship was over quickly- she figured out he was a cheater. I would think it would be hard for him to explain why this other girl showed up and was upset when you caught him in bed with her. He just doesn't want the label of cheating, but hey, that is what he did. Always go with your gut. To get in bed with that girl so quickly after seems to point to physical cheating too. Sorry you are having to deal with this, I had something very similar happen once and I am pretty sure (now) that there was physical cheating before the actual break. Good riddance. The pain will fade, and you are better off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 My ex-boyfriend and I broke up 7 months ago. I think that's the part you need to clue into. You're obsessing over your ex of 7 months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Neffer Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I think that's the part you need to clue into. You're obsessing over your ex of 7 months ago. Its not him that she is obsessing over; its the behavior. She is worried that it will happen again. He is gone, but the cheating behavior has created a residual problem - she now has the gift of trust issues because he was a classless jerk who couldn't break up with someone like an adult. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GSB81 Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Yeah, I'd consider that cheating. This sounds harsh, but this is how it is. He replaced you. He kept you around until he was sure he'd be able to land the other girl. You say you never dreamed he would do something like this, didn't see any signs. You just weren't looking hard enough because you most likely had a great deal of trust in him. This is why so many people, including myself, have trust issues. It's hard to lower your guard after being blindsided and lied to over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
noble Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 personally, i think asking for a girls number that you meet at a bar when you have a girlfriend is crossing a line. the only reason you would do that is if you were interested in them, and you shouldnt be thinking like that if you're taken. definitely he did wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 He said it didn't count as cheating at all because he was basically done with our relationship in his head. LOL Oh, thats a good one. First off, bulls**t. Secondly, what does he care? You are broken up now, what does it matter to him now? Is that all anyone has to say now? That in their mind the relationship was done so engaging in an affair of any kind is ok and not cheating? Really? What a dumbass this guy is if he thinks you'd buy that tripe. Consider this a bullet dodged. Let him be some other girl's problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author J_L_C Posted March 8, 2013 Author Share Posted March 8, 2013 He's such an idiot and doesn't want the label of 'cheater', but you're all right...he DID cheat. Even if I was "mentally" out of the relationship, I'd definitely end things before starting business elsewhere. Ugh it makes me so mad!! Part of me wants to post this on Facebook but I'm not that petty. It would jus get under his skin so bad because he says he's this "great person who deserves the best and won't settle for anything less"...I want to prick his balloon!! Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 He's such an idiot and doesn't want the label of 'cheater' Doesn't matter if he wants it. He owns it just the same. Even if not, he at the very least owns the label of "player". Which doesn't bode well unless he is a chauvinist and thinks being a player is cool Link to post Share on other sites
Author J_L_C Posted March 8, 2013 Author Share Posted March 8, 2013 When I caught him with the girl a week after we broke up, I kept yelling "OMG you cheated!" I had trust issues prior to this, and he had big problems with it, but then he gave me a reason to have mistrusted him all along. He kept saying he was a stand-up guy and that he would never do that to someone. He'd say that he would end something before starting someone else. Also, he would get SO MAD every time I'd label him as a player/cheater. SOOOOO mad. I feel like I have nothing to lose if I post something about it on Facebook Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 My ex-boyfriend and I broke up 7 months ago. The breakup came out of the blue but he said it had been building for awhile. Anyway, a week after the breakup, I went to his place to drop off his things. I called first but he didn't answer. This was my first clue that I shouldn't have gone up there. Turns out I 'interrupted' things between he and a girl he had over...less than a week after we split. I was so shocked, upset and dumbfounded. Immediately it dawned on me "this a--hole had been cheating on me the whole time!!!". I left angry, upset and in hysterics. He called me later and explained that he had met her at a bar 3 weeks BEFORE we broke up. He asked for her number, and 'the only thing' they did was text back and forth. It wasn't until we split that he went out with her and became sexual with her...so he says. I know it's hard to postulate, but do you think something was actually going on with them behind my back? I should point out that they only saw each other a few times and now he's back out on the dating prowl. Anyway, I never got the cheater vibe from him, but I certainly never thought he'd do this either. If it wasn't physical cheating, would this be considered emotional cheating? He said it didn't count as cheating at all because he was basically done with our relationship in his head. Well, HELLO!?! I didn't know anything was wrong until the very day he dropped the breakup bomb on my head!!!! i think sometimes the more hurtful things that happen in a relationship are involving emotional betrayal....the emotional investment you put into a partner is more than physical, its who you are, who they are what you believe in, what they believe in and where you want to go,that you thought of together its your values, their values......all under fire.....and ignored and what you hold dear is forgotten by the erring spouse.... ....it holds all those thoughts and dreams and yes expectations of a future.......so yes he cheated...emotionally ...which to me ....is often more hurtful than simply having sex with someone...and it being over as in a one night stand with no emotional investment when it becomes an affair....emotionally...it rips your guts out......simply put.....its deceit and on an emotional level, very destructive.these types of affairs...if a guy does it....dont go back if he calls you again.....emotionally void in regards to your feelings...so a no go back deal...........deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author J_L_C Posted March 10, 2013 Author Share Posted March 10, 2013 i think sometimes the more hurtful things that happen in a relationship are involving emotional betrayal....the emotional investment you put into a partner is more than physical, its who you are, who they are what you believe in, what they believe in and where you want to go,that you thought of together its your values, their values......all under fire.....and ignored and what you hold dear is forgotten by the erring spouse.... ....it holds all those thoughts and dreams and yes expectations of a future.......so yes he cheated...emotionally ...which to me ....is often more hurtful than simply having sex with someone...and it being over as in a one night stand with no emotional investment when it becomes an affair....emotionally...it rips your guts out......simply put.....its deceit and on an emotional level, very destructive.these types of affairs...if a guy does it....dont go back if he calls you again.....emotionally void in regards to your feelings...so a no go back deal...........deb What do you mean by 'emotionally void' in regards to my feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
pbjbear Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 This is what I refer to as "monkey branching" Its very common today esp among those who cannot be alone. It is when before you end a relationship, you find someone else to fill your S.O's place Link to post Share on other sites
JennaMax Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 His answer tells you everything you need to know. Anyone who is seriously in love would not be in bed with someone right after a split. This is the problem with the best of lying scum bags out there...you never really get the cheater vibe from them because they're that good. Next time, be sure to look for the cheater signs: overly polite and kin with you before you hit the bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author J_L_C Posted March 12, 2013 Author Share Posted March 12, 2013 We actually waited quite awhile before sleeping together...it was over 3 months. He never showed any sort of 'cheater' type behaviour while we were together. That's why this whole sudden break up came as such a shock. THEN when I heard he was with someone a week later, after picking her up in a bar only 3 weeks before our breakup, I was blown away! I believe his feelings were truly genuine for me all the way through. I just think he had a case of G.I.G.S. Link to post Share on other sites
Author J_L_C Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 He is now telling me that all he did was give the girl his email address and that's when they decided to swap numbers and start texting. He claims now that he never saw her while we were together and waited until we had broken up. Isn't this cheating anyway? What person swaps contacts with a member of the opposite sex in a bar unless there is interest? The girl didn't even know he had a gf. Link to post Share on other sites
Neffer Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 He is now telling me that all he did was give the girl his email address and that's when they decided to swap numbers and start texting. He claims now that he never saw her while we were together and waited until we had broken up. Isn't this cheating anyway? What person swaps contacts with a member of the opposite sex in a bar unless there is interest? The girl didn't even know he had a gf. Email, numbers exchange, texting = the same thing. He cheated and now he is doing damage control to correct this "bad impression". Well he cheated. Feel bad for the other girl , not him. He doesn't deserve any more of your time. Start NC and stop talking to him. At this point you are just prolonging your own pain. He's worthless and you are better off. Is there anything that needs to be said in between you two at this point? Its done. If you start NC you will get stronger and not dwell on this endlessly - you need to break contact entirely. Do it. Link to post Share on other sites
hestheone66 Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 if you have suspicions that your ex may have been sleeping with another person while he was still sleeping with you, please at least get a sexual health test screen.. with rates of Herpes at 40% of the adult population make this a priority.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author J_L_C Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 if you have suspicions that your ex may have been sleeping with another person while he was still sleeping with you, please at least get a sexual health test screen.. with rates of Herpes at 40% of the adult population make this a priority.. Ok that's scary! Plus he was the first one I ever used only birth control pills and no condoms. I really 'trusted' him. I probed him over and over and over about his 'physical' fidelity and I have to lean towards believing him only because of some other things he's sooo bluntly honest with. But it's still emotional cheating at the very least. Link to post Share on other sites
hestheone66 Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 even if he wasn't cheating physically. you should never sleep with anyone w/out condom if you both haven't been tested before starting a sexual relationship.. do it for your peace of mind, and for the health of any future partners of either of you. remember the worst one, Chlamydia usually has no symptoms.. it can cause blindness, infertility and birth defects Link to post Share on other sites
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