sorethroat Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Hi everyone. My boyfriend and I are both college students. I met him last February and we started dating a few weeks after. He broke up with me almost two months later because he said he didn't feel the attraction or connection. We became friends with benefits in June and I lost my virginity to him, and he asked for me back so we got back together. We have now been together without many problems for 9 months, but something is eating away at me that I've talked to him about but can't bring up again without sounding utterly insane. On the night I had sex for the first time with him, afterwards, he started talking about a girl that he had dated 2 and a half years ago. He had only dated her three months, but he was talking about how she was "the one that got away" and that he had obsessed over her after she dumped him and had needed to seek therapy for his anger about the breakup. He has mentioned her a few times as well and we have gotten into arguments over him referring to her as the "one that got away." Here's for the part that's eating away at me. He broke up with me the first time because he wasn't "feeling the attraction or connection", and this girl who he only dated for three months was "the one that got away" and had somehow managed to make him feel so many emotions and was soo important to him. It pisses me off, a lot, because I have a lot of insecurity issues and need to feel important. He tells me he loves me, he has done literally everything for me and I have brought up this issue with him. He just tells me that he just thinks about her as the "one that got away" and that she was his first and you never forget your first. I understand that. But it bugs the crap out of me that he felt so much passion and anger about that breakup, but he had instigated our first breakup and said he wasn't feeling the emotional attraction. It's gotten to the point where I tried breaking up with him over it because I couldn't handle how I had once been so unimportant to him, while she had become the "one" in a matter of three months. When he said "I'm not mad" when I tried to break up, it made me even angrier because I secretly wanted him to be angry, to prove that he felt the same emotions for me that he did for her. He's done everything to prove to me that he loves me. We see each other every day at school and hang out an average of 3 times a week. We have sex often. He tells me how happy I make him and that he loves me so much. But me, my selfish, immature self, keeps thinking that since I wasn't able to get him to feel strongly in the first few months, because back then he was an ******* to me and treated me like I was virtually worthless, that he will never truly love me. I love him, I really do, but I'm searching for a validation that I can't get. It's not like I can ask him to erase the past or the feelings with that girl. Obviously, this is bothering me quite a lot. Thoughts? Advice? Please don't be too brutal. I know that I am not being rational. Thank you for your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Based on the limited info, I advise you to move on. Somebody out there will adore you as he doesn't. Don't do what I did and spend your college years in an "okay" relationship. Life is too short. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GSB81 Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Anyone who would tell their current partner that an ex is "the one that got away" is obviously an inconsiderate idiot. He is pretty much saying "she's the one I really want, but I guess you will do for now." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaserTag Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 (edited) Part of me wants to say that maybe your boyfriend has matured and has a better handle on his emotions now and that's a good thing, but he does seem to be holding on to the fantasy of his ex-girlfriend. I would feel the same as you if I had that past history and he had seemed nonchalant about breaking up. I would suggest couple's counseling, but that almost seems extreme for college students. I've been with guys who had a romanticized version of some girl who came before me and I never wound up staying with any of them. It's ridiculous and hurtful to have to be held up against someone that isn't even real (someone who didn't stay with them, that they didn't work out with, who likely isn't as amazing as they want to believe). I think it's normal and reasonable to want the person you're with to be passionate about you and hung up on you. I also don't even really get the 'you never forget your first love' thing, but that might be because it's not true for me and I met my husband when I was young. I don't think that it's good to hold on to people you dated years before if you're serious about your current relationship. Probably none of this is helpful, and I don't have great advice, but I don't think that you're really being unreasonable. Your boyfriend shouldn't be holding on to the fantasy of someone else and he has done some hurtful things to you that are hard to just let go of... Edited March 7, 2013 by TaserTag Link to post Share on other sites
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