Husband loosing his temper with our kids....

[littlefoot]

I have two kids, one is four years old and the other is almost two. One of our kids has special needs due to a very early birth. I have been married to my husband (and our kids dad) since 08 but we have been together since we were teenagers. My husband has a very hot temper, he is very short fused and before the kids were born...he did shove me and grab my upper arms so hard I was left bruised. He also was/is very emotionally and verbally abusive. We went into therapy and he also took anger management. Things got better.

 

Our son was born at 23 weeks, he was very ill and almost died. He has special needs now and we do struggle but would not change a thing. I mention this because our son had bleeding in his brain that left him with brain damage, you wouldn't know looking at him or even talking to him, unless you spent a lot of time with him. He can be a handful, and hard to interact with at times. He is very sensitive and takes things like the word 'no' very personally. He cries and is easily crushed.

 

My husband did not want to keep our son alive after the doctors found his bleed and said his future would be very very bleak (very disabled, blind, deaf..). But I fought him on it. And now of course he is happy I did. But my husband forgets sometimes that our son does have special needs and isn't as emotionally strong as other kids.

 

I personally attachment parent, my husband does to some extent but not nearly the level I do. Which is fine. Except, his temper is getting worse and worse. My husband has been screaming at our son, mostly over things he thinks our son is going to do to our younger daughter, nothing serious just normal sibling stuff. Most of the time, he is wrong...but the damage is done...he has already screamed at our son. And our son is upset.

 

A few weeks ago, I heard my husband telling, then screaming at our son to clean up. Clearly my son wasn't listening. My husband finally growled CLEAN UP NOW at our son and as I came to confront my husband I saw him slap our sons hand down. Our son had raised his hand up to his dad because he was being yelled at. My husband said 'don't put your hand up at me' and slapped it down. My son crumbled to the ground and cried.

 

I have confronted my husband over and over, I have tried to give him other methods of dealing with things...I have tried reason, or explaining the damage he is doing to our kids, and his relationship with them. Our son is scared of him, he tells me he doesn't want to be hurt by dada anymore. He yells too much. He hates being alone with him.

 

A few days ago, my husband was SCREAMING very angrily at our 18 month little girl....who granted is very smart and knows what was being asked of her (to clean up) but she's still a baby. The level of angry my husband showed scared me. I was in the bathroom...peeing..so I loudly told him to stop. He shouted I needed to mind my own business.

 

I nearly lost it, but I calmly came out and told him to leave. He did. But not before saying he screaming because she wasn't listening and was laughing when he told her to clean up. That really bothered me. I strongly believe my husband has control issues and when the people or animals (I brought into our relationship my now elderly dog, she is literally the kindest most gentle dog in the world. The kids adore her, she adores them. She can be stubborn when out on walks. My husband pretty much hates her. Simply because she sometimes stops walking and wants to go home. She's 11 and just battled cancer) do not listen or obey him. It's actually a very frightening thing to me, it's something I am struggling to wrap my head around and figure out how I really feel about it. If I can be with someone like that, because he is basically a coward and a bully.

 

Who screams at a 18 month old? Or an elderly dog?

 

I am so worried about my kids, I am nervous leaving them alone with him. I am worried if he is willing to continue to yell at them while I am here, what is he doing when I am not?

 

After he yelled at our 18 month old, I told him that night....he had to the end of this month to get into anger management (either started in a course or enrolled for an upcoming one). If he wasn't he had to leave. He agreed.

 

He does know what he is doing is wrong. He does admit he doesn't know why it's happening. But it's been a problem for almost 5 years now, and with our son about 3 years..and now our little girl.

 

Today I took our son to his dr. While there our dr said how drastically different our son was with just me there, compared to when my husband takes him. He said this was the first time in months of visits (all of which I did not attend) that he saw my son happy, calm, he said he was a perfect patient and in contrast when it was my husband....my son was crying, impossible to examine, and generally not interacting with him. He requested that I bring my son alone from now on. He didn't say my husband could not come, but made it clear he did not want to have my husband come alone, ever again.

 

If I said that was easy to hear, I would be lying. It was awful, part of me wanted to tell him our issues, but didn't. I have known this man since my son was in the NICU, he has been our doctor since my son weighed 710 grams. It was embarrassing and hurtful.

 

I would also be lying if I said I was happy with my husband and marriage. I am not, he has lied to me in the past and just his temper and treatment of our kids, has made me dislike him. I do love him. I think he could change, but I think the commitment to stay in control will forever be a battle for him. In the end, my kids are my life. I will not let anyone hurt them, and if it means they one day hate me for throwing my husband out....I will do it. Because I know they will hate me more if I stayed and my husband kept using them as his personal verbal punching bags....or puppets he feels he must control.

 

My question is, am I doing the right thing? Do you think my deadline was fair? Too light? Too heavy? Anything else I should do?

 

thanks.

[ASG]

I think you're doing the right thing.

In the end, you have to protect your children, even if the person you're protecting them from is their dad.

Your kids won't hate you if you do kick your husband out, because they'll be happier. They won't be afraid anymore, which they most likely are now.

[whichwayisup]

Kick him out! Protect your kids and yourself. Your H IS abusive and it's only a matter of time before this gets out of hand! It's bad enough now..Don't wait until you have to call the Cops on him!

 

He needs anger management asap! No matter how much you love him, he is out of control and needs therapy! Until he changes his ways, he has to get out of the house.

[turnera]

Your husband is abusive. You need to educate yourself on it - it doesn't just go away, not without months, years, of therapy. You are responsible for your children not growing up abused and if he won't do MASSIVE work to turn around, he needs to stay gone - for the kids' sakes.

 

Read Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft.

[pcplod]

It sounds to me that your response is entirely appropriate. I have no idea what anger management courses entail but it sounds that if he has been on them before they have, at best, had limited effect.

 

It may well be an awful cliché, but what were your husband's parents like with him growing up?

 

He knows in the aftermath that his behaviour is inappropriate and harmful but in the heat of the moment he is acting impulsively and can justify it to himself on the most spurious and ridiculous of grounds. In effect he is saying that he is prepared, almost content to let a 4 year old, a 2 year old and an geriatric dog get the better of him.

 

As for his physical and emotional treatment of you past and present, it is wholly unacceptable, and would be grounds for separation and divorce alone. How on earth you can say you can love him, mystifies me but you won't be the first or last woman to declare their love for a man like that.

 

I would like to tell you he can change, both for his sake and yours, but to be honest I suspect that at best it is bloody difficult and at worst, impossible. It will take what is tantamount to a miracle of religious proportions, possibly a life-changing experience, like you leaving him. Hmm.

 

PS As a start and as a minimum, he needs to learn to either emotionally or literally walk away from conflict when he senses the ire rising in him. Ultimately, that isn't a real solution but it would at least be a start from the point of view of him trying to raise his own self-awareness and learning to intervene on his own behalf earlier. He also needs to be told constantly that there is no justifying his behaviour even to himself, ever. To do so is to merely lie to himself and to deceive himself. He is self-sabotaging in giving into his impulses.

Edited March 7, 2013 by pcplod

[TaraMaiden]

The only thing that I personally would change is to tell your husband to leave, NOW - and not come back until such a time - if that ever comes - that he has completely altered his approach, can control his temper and be a good parent.

 

And remember - it's not YOUR trust, and acceptance he will have to work hard to regain. It's that of your children.

How you can bear to see your children and their attitude to their father, is beyond me.

 

You must be very strong. But you need to re-focus that strength on your children.

It's up to your husband to help himself. He's a grown man, and admits he has issues.

So kick him out and tell him to deal with them.

it's not up to you to orchestrate this. That's his job.

Tell him to leave, now.