Divorce pending.....old friend re-enters my life.

[Geek Down]

Ok.. first time here..Hey guys!

 

I have an issue thats driving me NUTS!. I'm seperated and halfway through a LONG HORRIBLE divorce. I was married for 5 yrs and for 4 of those years, I was begging the devil to take me. She was my high school sweetheart. She came from a very sheltered, religious and abusive household. My childhood was the complete opposite. We were together for almost 20 yrs...She would lie, yell, throw things and then leave whenever it suited her. My self-esteem was so low that I let her come back. She'd 'changed' for three months and then shake the etch-a-sketch and the problems would all be back. We seperated for about a year and tried to work it out. She moved back in and three months later was pregnant (didn't know who the daddy was)..and a week later she was gone..No contact since and the divorce is SLOOOWWWWLLY going on.. I've dated since then and had a relationship after her.

 

Then, I get a text from a friend, K.....

 

I met K through her boyfriend that I was friends at work with. All three of us grew close and my wife was eventually part of the group, albeit usually just being a wallflower but she was always included..Both of them eventually moved into the apartment next door and we all would hang out every day for almost a year and a half. best time of my life.

 

Well, he Effed up BIG TIME and decided to cheat on her. She left him and within 6 months I was not hanging out with him anymore. His new lifestyle...as in "drugs, sex, and parties" was not for me. He moved and I lost contact with him. K would text me once in a while and we would hang out.

 

During the year and a half all four of us would hang out. K and I would talk about our relationship problems together and I found myself rushing home from work to be able to spend a few more minutes with K before she went to work. we'd all hang out, get drunk and play games or watch TV. A few times things got hot and we all ended up naked(hot tub or strip poker).

 

I fell for K. I never crossed the line and never told anyone. I never cheated on my wife and I couldn't disrespect my friend like that.

 

My wife left me in 2011 and the day after, K was at the door to comfort me. She heard the entire fight and it was..bad..really bad. We ended up seeing each other twice a week for the next month or so. One night I spilled the beans..told her I have feeling for her. She shut me down, gently but she did..(I had a history of letting my wife creep back into my life. I think she was afraid of starting something with me because of this. Plus I wasn't emotionally able to start a relationship at that point either.) We continued to hang out and I took her to a comedy show for my birthday. I was intending to make a move. We had chinese food at PF Changs and My fortune read...."The time is right for a friendly chat to turn to romance."(I kept the fortune. Its the first thing I see everytime I open my walet!) we switched fortunes and she asked me to pick a number. The one I picked didn't match up with my fortune, so she says it wont come true..Then she tells me she met a guy..S'ok..I don't need that heart anymore...

 

We went to the show and had a great time, as we always do. I drove home and at the end of the night she gave me a big hug and then I slunk back into my hobbit hole to find what was at the bottom of a bottle of basil haden.

 

Wife came back at the end of 2011 and left may 2012. August me and K were hanging out again..She comes over and tells me how good I look..She always looks good..She has a boyfriend so once again, I go back on the list for a heart transplant.

 

She has a HORRIBLE time with this bum and dumps him a few months ago. I meet a girl at work and have a short relationship with her..My relationship ends, the girl decides to blab about what we did together...K's friend works in the same department. We start talking about K and her hard times and I feel bad, so I give her friend my number just incase K needs anything.

 

I resign from the job, to start a new one and here I am waiting till april to start my new job.

 

Then K texts me...Says she misses me and wants to hang out. She comes over and we hang out all night. We talk for hours and then play some halo(she's a HUGE geek. we have so much in common). She keeps commenting on how good I look. I reciprocate. I'm rolling a blunt and I glance over at her and she is staring at me licking the wrap. She goes home at the end of the night and gives me a big hug. Three days of no contact from me..

 

she texts me sunday to hang out. We get together and play some more halo, watch the walking dead and then she goes home. When she is leaving she gives me a hug.. I hold it alittle longer and kiss her on the check. Little back story is needed here.. I.....cant....touch...her..!! Never could..She has that 'WAY, WAY out of your league buddy!!" feeling....Plus, I dont think I could control myself if I started and she didn't want me to stop. Since she came back into my life, I've gotten better at the whole flirty touch thing..So, I started with the light thigh touch, small of the back, shoulder, hand..etc..

 

She looks at me after the kiss and leaves saying "I'll be seeing YOU very soon." Wise-ass mode kicks in and I tease her..

 

Monday she calls to hang out. She's home sick and wants company. SURE!! come on over. She comes over and we go into the kitchen so I can make her some hot tea to help her throat. We are sitting at the table talking and...she slowly winks at me..very, very obviously doing it..I couch on my tea. We order chinese and then go into the tv room to play some halo. I tell her I want to take her out to see that new OZ movie on firiday. She says ok, and she will check her schedule and get back to me.

 

We finish up halo 4 and then my roommate puts on the Dark Knight Rises. We watch it and I get up the courage to reach over and hold her hand. I touch her and she jumps..She thinks I'm making sure she's not asleep..She has a habit of falling asleep on the couch with me..always did.

 

She gets ready to go home and she is feeling so sick at this point.. She hugs me and then pushes her cheek towards me.. I kiss her again..I tell her to go home and get some rest.

 

I text her on teusday and she's full blown sick...I ask if she is ok and if anyone is with her..She says her dad is home so she's not alone. I ask her if she wants me to come over and keep her company. She says no because she is so sick. I tell her to sleep well and get better.

 

Yesterday she calls me in the afternoon. Her bud guy has been out and she cant get anyone. I picked up on monday and I got some for her. She asks if she can buy some off me and that she's sorry for asking but she can't find anything.. I tell her I already picked up and I got some especially for her. She is so happy, ten minutes later she at my house with her sister. She is dressed in a peach low cut top and a push up bra. Tight jeans and thigh high boots..I tell her she's beautiful.

 

She comes into my room to get what I have for her and then we go to the tv room and roll one. We all talk for about an hour and then she leaves. When she is there, she positions herself on the couch RIGHT in my eyeline and leans on a pillow on her side..Looking like Cleopatra on her throne.. No hug this time when she leaves, but its cool because her sister was there..My roommate thinks her sister is hot and she is single so this may be good..

 

So....here we are... Its thrusday. I asked her out for friday, no answer yet. I'm planning on going dark on her till friday afternoon just to see what happens. I am head over heals for this girl and I have been for years. She's just as big a geek as I am, we share the same theological/political views. We share alot of the same interests and there isn't a thing I can think of that we cant talk about...I mean, a girl that thinks an M41A pulse rifle is just about the coolest thing in the world besides a soda machine full of beer and playing with light sabers in the dark, doesn't fall in a geeks lap everyday. It just happens to be that she is the most beautiful women I have ever seen..inside and out..She's an 11 out of 10 in my opinion..I did the whole relationship checklist thing in IC and this girl has the majority of things on that list.

 

She knows about my situation with the STBXW. I haven't kept anything hidden from her. My roommate seems to think that K heard about my relationship with that new girl and relised that I am in a position to start dating again..I can't come up with anything to the contrary. She came over, told me she missed me and then explained that she is single and kinda liking it, but is looking. She wants children of her own, and well.. I can no longer provide that. She knows I had a V and I'm infertile now...She knows the child may be mine..She knows all the horrors I had to endure at my STBXW's hands..Age isn't a factor(I'm 33, she's 25). I never did stop thinking about her. She has been on my mind for a very, very long time.

 

From my limited experience, over-analyzed thought-process and extremely analytical personality(Read Sheldon from BBT...incidently her favorite character), I feel like she is giving me the green light to pursue her..

 

I want to pursue her and I value our friendship and her. I respect her and I want to show her that I respect her while showing her that I can be more to her than a friend, which I think she in a position to reciprocate.

[Geek Down]

So, we were supposed to go out friday, but she canceled. I was disappointed but not mad. I went out to a bar to have a drink and maybe meet someone. I got picked up by a gay guy(I'm not gay, so this freaked me out).

 

I get home and open a bottle of rum and start drinking....I drunk text her that its hard to be just her friend when I want more and that I love her. I do and I have for a very long time.

 

Now she won't respond to me. I'm so mad at myself for doing that and most likely ending one of my life's grestest friendships..What do I do now??

 

I haven't eaten since and I can't sleep, all I do is stare at the ceiling.