Found old messages on g/f's facebook

[Commonman]

Well, I need some advice..

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost two years.. we've had an incredible relationship, however, about 6 months back we hit a little rough patch.. She became suddenly unsure of us, crying, didn't want to hurt me.. sounded like GIGS.. I told her to do what was best for her, that i wanted her to be happy, she didn't know what she wanted to do. So i told her to take the time she needed, i gave her space and time.. Well we talked about it and she began really warming up to me again... told me she felt like she was falling in love with me all over again.. after that, and since then, things have honestly been better than ever.. I mean the past 6 months really have been the best.. Now a few weeks ago she left her facebook open on my computer, and curiosity got the best of me.. I opened her deleted messages. There was a conversation between her and an old friend. It was dated right around the time I was giving her space and time She casually invited him out "for drinks" with her and her friend.. The conversation got a little flirtatious and he said don't you have a bf? she said yeah but not for long.. (i wasn't surprised to see this cause she told me she was unsure.. surprised that she was light hearted about it though.) he agreed to stop by the restaurant she was at.. She didn't go home with him or anything because I got together with her later that night as i checked my old texts to her from that night.. I haven't seen her texting him after that or any other conversations between them... So what do I do... I'm pretty pissed that she was probably flirting with this guy and what not.. who knows what transpired while they were together at the bar.. and she never old me that she was with him or anything. Now that things are good, and that rough patch is behind us, I don't know what to do. Do I bring it up? I believe, flirting with a guy like that, saying oh yeah i have a bf, but not for long, and not telling me that she went out with him is a form of cheating... I don't know what to say, I want to confront her about it but don't want to ruin things.. What should I do?

[GSB81]

Easier said than done, I know, but I'd give her her space. Lots of it. As in I'd dump her sneaky ass. This guy is why she was probably feeling "unsure." If you confront her, she will go ape about you snooping and then start the ol "can't I have friends?!" argument.

[Commonman]

The problem I have with dumping her, is that right now, things are better than they were before our little rough patch, when I gave her space. We had a pretty good relationship before it.. but i think the whole episode was a wake up call for me, and for her as well. We both made improvements on ourselves and the quality of the relationship improved drastically.. When she was unsure, I "gave her space" and "time to think" ...and you know what, it worked.. even if her way of "thinking and figuring things out" was flirting with this other guy a little, well I guess I'm ok with that.. maybe thats what it took for her to figure out that she wanted to be with me. If I found messages like this that were sent say a week ago than I wouldn't hesitate to dump her. Does any of that make sense or am I a moron??

[imfine]

You are not a moron. Relationships are work & if you both are working to make it better & things are great, then why would you want to break up? As far as her actions during the "rough patch", she screwed up. If you can forgive her & trust she won't do it again then that's a sign of the strength of your relationship. However I'm curious, have you discussed boundaries with friends of the opposite sex? The rough patch could have been related to the guy she was flirting with. This guy showed her attention & it was exciting/new. Rather than telling him to get lost she had a boyfriend, she continued flirting. Sounds as if she realized she screwed up before she did something really bad but there's a good chance she'll get hit on by another guy at some point. Does she have boundaries in place to nip it in the bud before she has another confused episode?

[Commonman]

You are not a moron. Relationships are work & if you both are working to make it better & things are great, then why would you want to break up? As far as her actions during the "rough patch", she screwed up. If you can forgive her & trust she won't do it again then that's a sign of the strength of your relationship. However I'm curious, have you discussed boundaries with friends of the opposite sex? The rough patch could have been related to the guy she was flirting with. This guy showed her attention & it was exciting/new. Rather than telling him to get lost she had a boyfriend, she continued flirting. Sounds as if she realized she screwed up before she did something really bad but there's a good chance she'll get hit on by another guy at some point. Does she have boundaries in place to nip it in the bud before she has another confused episode?

 

Well I'm glad you asked that.. We often discuss boundries, the different types of cheating i.e. emotional/physical cheating ect.. So yes I would say that If i were to confront her she would agree that it would be considered emotional cheating, because even though i was giving her space we never established that we were no longer exclusive or on a break or anything.. (either that or she will say she was just joking around because they were long time friends that go way back ect.) Almost all of her friends cheat on their boyfriends, and she always talks about how upsetting it is because she doesn't think thats right and she would never do that etc. etc... And I believe she is sincere to.. Honestly I just want to talk to her about it, get it off my chest, let her explain herself, and if she's honest I will forgive her.. I just want to confront her in a manor thats ascertive yet not provoking, because like I said things are great right now. We have a vacation planned in two weeks which complicates things, I was thinking about waiting till after that.

[imfine]

I could have written your post, the same thing happened to me & I lost it. You're doing really well to keep a level head & think it through. However I would not wait until after vacation. Get it out in the open. If you both are truly a fabulous couple, you can discuss it & move on so it doesn't overshadow your vacation time together. That's not fair to you or her.

[aed]

Well I'm glad you asked that.. We often discuss boundries, the different types of cheating i.e. emotional/physical cheating ect.. So yes I would say that If i were to confront her she would agree that it would be considered emotional cheating, because even though i was giving her space we never established that we were no longer exclusive or on a break or anything.. (either that or she will say she was just joking around because they were long time friends that go way back ect.) Almost all of her friends cheat on their boyfriends, and she always talks about how upsetting it is because she doesn't think thats right and she would never do that etc. etc... And I believe she is sincere to.. Honestly I just want to talk to her about it, get it off my chest, let her explain herself, and if she's honest I will forgive her.. I just want to confront her in a manor thats ascertive yet not provoking, because like I said things are great right now. We have a vacation planned in two weeks which complicates things, I was thinking about waiting till after that.

 

you can only be assertive if you set boundaries (not asking!) and if she doesn't think she can do that or crosses them you should breakup. that is the only way.

 

Also I read in your post that you know what is going on, but you hope that your gf can convince you that there is something different. Why do you think she is going to behonest even when you know what she did/ is doing behind your back?

[Commonman]

I could have written your post, the same thing happened to me & I lost it. You're doing really well to keep a level head & think it through. However I would not wait until after vacation. Get it out in the open. If you both are truly a fabulous couple, you can discuss it & move on so it doesn't overshadow your vacation time together. That's not fair to you or her.

 

Thanks, if there's one thing I've learned its that you need to have your emotions in check and be calm and collected before you can actually talk about something and have any sort of successful outcome. The tough part for me now is going to be actually bringing myself to talk about it, because, when we're together things are great and I'm not even thinking about it.. But when I'm alone or laying in bed at night it creeps into my head..

 

you can only be assertive if you set boundaries (not asking!) and if she doesn't think she can do that or crosses them you should breakup. that is the only way.

 

Also I read in your post that you know what is going on, but you hope that your gf can convince you that there is something different. Why do you think she is going to behonest even when you know what she did/ is doing behind your back?

 

I don't want her to convince me of something different, just admit it, own up to it, explain what she was feeling/thinking, why it happened and what was the result.. If she gets deffensive, won't admit it, or explain why she was feeling that way at the time, I wont be to happy. Why do I think she will be honest, or how will I know? Well, I won't know.. But if she owns up and is sincere, then I will trust her that what she is saying is the truth.. thats all I can do. I don't believe that right now she is doing anything like this, if she was, it'd prob be the end. I think it was isolated and related to her "uncertain/confused phase" While I'm upset that she wasn't up front about it, I can see how once she realized she wanted to be with me that she would be afraid to tell me for fear i would resent her and not want to be with her.. not that thats a valid excuse for not being upfront about it, but I can understand that.. Still, she screwed up, but I think it was a forgiveable mistake given the outcome..

I appreciate everyones input, thats why I posted this... to hear peoples thoughts/experiences, what worked for you and what didn't..

[ScienceGal]

I'm sensitive to this because it happened to me. My ex told a woman he used to date that he "missed her" and that I was "good for dating but not marriageable". We hadn't been together long, but still. I found out months later and it gutted me. I talked to him about it and claimed to not remember writing it.

 

Point is, I never moved on from that. I don't behave that way and found it mortifying that the man I was sharing my life with would say those things, no matter how unsure or bad the relationship was. People with integrity and maturity don't need to reach out to someone inappropriately like that. They speak to family member or a close friend. And if the relationship ends, they get back on their feet with time, not with a rebound.

 

Would you reach out to a woman the way she reached out to this guy? Because, if not, you'll always be wondering what she's doing when you two aren't getting along to are in another rough patch.

[Darren Steez]

I'd leave it bro, more likely to dredge up nonsense and set whatever you have now back. But at least now you're not ignorant..

[nofool4u]

Now that things are good, and that rough patch is behind us, I don't know what to do. Do I bring it up? I believe, flirting with a guy like that, saying oh yeah i have a bf, but not for long, and not telling me that she went out with him is a form of cheating.

 

It absolutely is.

 

 

I don't know what to say, I want to confront her about it but don't want to ruin things.. What should I do?

 

You can't ruin things with someone that can use any excuse or hard time to cross the line.

 

I'd flat out tell her what you know and ask her, "give me one good reason why I shouldn't leave you flat?"

 

What do you think she would do if you were telling another girl that you won't have a gf for long so you could be with her? I guarantee she'd go postal on you.

 

You say you don't want to ruin things, but she already did that because you are justifiably pissed at her interaction with another guy. I don't give a crap if it was the hardest time in history of relationships you were going through. Its NO excuse.

[Commonman]

All valid points..

Yes of course it dawned on me that maybe she wanted space because maybe she thought she wanted another guy.. Thats what GIGS is, which is how she was acting... But heres the thing, maybe she, after hanging out with this dude, not talking to me for a few days, thinking about things, maybe she figured out that she really did want to be with me...?? Things got way better between us afterwards... Though of course maybe not, maybe she will become unsure again. I'm confident she won't though... Fact of the matter is, yes she did something wrong, do I believe that I just need to say well screw this i'm done? No, I don't.. I think its worth talking about.. I just don't know how to approach it or bring it up.. But a lot of people seem to jump the gun on the whole "dump her!!" thing.. I'm in no rush.. I'll try to work it out first.. She doesn't have a habit of doing this and hasn't physically cheated so I'll give her the chance to explain herself.. I could be wrong, maybe she will fess up to physically cheating with this guy.. But I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. We'll see when I can muster up the courage to confront her.. Its tough when your time together is so good you don't want to kill it with something like this.. but I gotta do it at some point.

[sayyes19]

All valid points..

Yes of course it dawned on me that maybe she wanted space because maybe she thought she wanted another guy.. Thats what GIGS is, which is how she was acting... But heres the thing, maybe she, after hanging out with this dude, not talking to me for a few days, thinking about things, maybe she figured out that she really did want to be with me...?? Things got way better between us afterwards... Though of course maybe not, maybe she will become unsure again. I'm confident she won't though... Fact of the matter is, yes she did something wrong, do I believe that I just need to say well screw this i'm done? No, I don't.. I think its worth talking about.. I just don't know how to approach it or bring it up.. But a lot of people seem to jump the gun on the whole "dump her!!" thing.. I'm in no rush.. I'll try to work it out first.. She doesn't have a habit of doing this and hasn't physically cheated so I'll give her the chance to explain herself.. I could be wrong, maybe she will fess up to physically cheating with this guy.. But I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. We'll see when I can muster up the courage to confront her.. Its tough when your time together is so good you don't want to kill it with something like this.. but I gotta do it at some point.

I don't think you should even bring this up for now if things are going good and she obviously didn't spend the night with the guy. However, if she starts having waiver feelings again feel free to bring this up and and tell her that you think she is only doing this to check into another guy because of it.

[seibert253]

I don't think you should even bring this up for now if things are going good and she obviously didn't spend the night with the guy. However, if she starts having waiver feelings again feel free to bring this up and and tell her that you think she is only ing this to check into another guy because of it.[/quote

 

Sayyes, please don't take this wrong, but nothing gets fixed by sticking your head in the sand and hoping it doesn't happen again.

 

I believe OP's girl realized the grass wasn't greener with this other dude, and stayed with OP. However, what's going to happen the next time she "needs space".

 

What happened needs to be addressed for several reasons:

1. This will haunt OP until he has closure.

2. OP has to let his girl know this type of behavior is unacceptable and make clear the consequences for any repeats

 

Most cheaters who reoffend do so because no boundries are established, and there are no consequences because of their infidelity.

[GSB81]

Ok, here is what will most likely happen:

 

1. OP will confront gf because it won't stop eating at him and he realizes he's doing mental gymnastics to try to convince himself all is okay.

 

2. Gf will do a complete 180 and turn into a broom riding psycho over him snooping on her FB.

 

3. She will admit to having feelings for other guy, and possibly cheating with him.

 

 

I hope I am wrong, but gut feelings are usually right.

[Commonman]

Ok, here is what will most likely happen:

 

1. OP will confront gf because it won't stop eating at him and he realizes he's doing mental gymnastics to try to convince himself all is okay.

 

2. Gf will do a complete 180 and turn into a broom riding psycho over him snooping on her FB.

 

3. She will admit to having feelings for other guy, and possibly cheating with him.

 

 

I hope I am wrong, but gut feelings are usually right.

 

I think I need to talk to her about it.. We generaly have great communication and can talk and work things out. I'm just concerned that she will of course turn it around on me for looking at her messages.. If that happens I'll try to keep control of the situation maintaining that I looked because I was suspicious, and my suspicians were confirmed.. If she hadn't given me a reason to look I would never have.. Had I looked and found nothing, well, I would have been the *******. Not the case though. I don't want this to turn into a fight or a break up, I just want it to be out in the open and for her to explain herself.. Like I said, if she takes responsibility, and is sincere, and I feel confident that I can trust her, I will let it go.

[nofool4u]

The fact that things are good now does not make her former cheating moot point. Whats gonna happen next time she is "unsure" about your relationship.

 

Exactly, or they simply have a fight or are arguing a bit at a particular time in their relationship.

[nofool4u]

I don't think you should even bring this up for now if things are going good and she obviously didn't spend the night with the guy.

 

So what?...

[Commonman]

At this point I just need to confront her, but I wan't to avoid her tunring it around on me for "snooping" ..I'll see how it goes.

[nofool4u]

At this point I just need to confront her, but I wan't to avoid her tunring it around on me for "snooping" ..I'll see how it goes.

 

You aren't going to be able to avoid her turning it around on you for snooping. She WILL turn it around on you. Thats what they do when they are caught.

 

Here is what I will tell you, on the off chance that she is remorseful and doesn't turn it around on you, then you have a relationship you can salvage.

 

If she gets angry that she got caught, then you will then know that this shouldn't be the kind of person you should wish to enter a commitment. You shouldn't want to be with someone that uses "hard times" as an excuse to line up affections with other guys, and then get defensive when you find out she did it.

 

So if she does turn it around on you, I'd show her the door and tell her to never bring her defensive, unapologetic ass back.