He proposed but never talks about things

[SugarPlumFairy]

I've been living with my fiance' for about a year. We dated exclusively for 4 months,did overnights,etc until he was at my apartment more than the place he was living. A few days before our one year anniversary he proposed to me. I said yes and everything was great.

 

We have a solid relationship and it's better than either of us have had in the past. We have known each other since we were in middle school but never dated or ran in the same social circles.

 

So at first we casually discussed plans,tossed some ideas around,browsed dresses,locations,and tentatively marked off ideas for dates.

 

Then we got busy with moving into a home we purchased and remodeled. The conversations about the wedding tapered off significantly which is fine since we had a lot to deal with at the time.

 

Well things have settled and we're thankfully back to our routine and enjoying our home. He tells me all the time that he has never been so happy and fulfilled.

 

The problem is the mixed messages I'm getting regarding the wedding. He mentioned to me during a discussion that we haven't even spoken about wedding plans since before we moved and that we really should start looking to plan things. I agreed. We made a list of options together for what kind of wedding we wanted. We decided that since we have no real family on either side and our circle of friends is small,that we would have a small romantic getaway type wedding.

 

That was 2 months ago. Now he never brings up the wedding on his own. I'm always the one to bring it up. While at the book store together,I purchased fun little bride and groom quiz books a few weeks ago. I showed them to him before I bought them and he encouraged me to buy them so we could do them together. He hasn't touched the books since we brought them home.

I was online looking at the venue we chose the other week and instead of sitting with me and being interested,he just wanted to me to turn everything off and spend time with him...which is great but it made me feel like he didn't care to discuss the wedding or anything about it.

 

There are a lot of examples of times where it seemed like he really had no interest in pursuing discussions about this wedding. So,since we like to be open,I asked him about it.

 

He swears he can't wait to get married and got upset that I thought he was disinterested in discussing it to solidify plans.

Yet,he still never brings it up.

 

I'm so confused and lost right now. I'm not pressuring him to be married and didn't pressure him to propose so I'm not understanding the sudden decline in interest for planning it.

 

If I don't bring it up,it NEVER gets brought up.

 

I don't know what to do or what to say. I wish he would just be open and tell me if he's having second thoughts. I don't HAVE to be married in order to be happy with him. Marriage isn't the end all be all in the relationship for me and he KNOWS that. So why keep sending mixed signals? Why not just say "i'm not ready for this sweetie." or something!

[Silly_Girl]

Why haven't you asked him?

[smittenforbritt]

One question I have is do you have any female friends or any family at all who will be involved in the wedding planning?

 

The reason I ask is because I think what's happening to you is what happens to many women I've known (my wife included). I don't think it has to do at all with him wanting to be married to you by any means, its just that men typically just don't like planning weddings lol.

 

My wife was feeling exactly the same way as you in the beginning. About a month or two after the proposal as she was asking about colors for the dresses, and I was giving answers in between watching TV, she looked at me and asked if I even wanted to marry her; she was pretty upset . I ensured her that that was in no way the case, that I was excited for us to get married, and suggested that she talk to her best friend or sister about the wedding plans. Well as soon as she got those two, along with her aunt involved, they took over the wedding plans with a fiery passion lol. At that point they wouldn't even allow me to hardly make suggestions about what types of suits I wanted myself and the groomsmen to wear!

 

I know it seems that he's uninterested in getting married, but trust me; he's not. He loves you tons I'm sure, and you'll feel a lot better if you can find someone to plan this thing with you. This is just probably a case of him being a guy. Now on the other hand, and aunt on my moms side got married to a man who actually did more of the planning than her! If your guy isn't that passionate about it though, its probably not gonna happen, just try not to think of it as a disinterest in you or your wedding.

 

As the person above suggested, just ask him about it and tell him that when he doesn't show an interest in the planning it makes you wonder if he's second guessing the actual wedding. You'll know for sure then.

Edited March 7, 2013 by smittenforbritt

[CarrieT]

OP, how old are you guys?

 

It is important...

[Nyla]

Men don't often care about wedding planning.

 

My husband did not make any decisions for our tiny sad wedding; he just wasn't interested and he felt that he had nothing of value to add to the planning.

 

In our marriage, I am the planner and my husband makes my plans become reality. He appreciates that I will do extensive research before a mini getaway because my husband doesn't have time for that.

 

My hubby says I have a good knack for finding lovely hotels and restaurants. He trusts my judgement in that area more than his, just like I leave him in charge of other aspects of our marriage that he is better at than I am.

 

Talk to your fiance and let him know how his lack of interest hurts you. It has only been two months of being engaged. Enjoy your moment before the wedding planning starts. It is very stressful, especially if you have a smaller budget. My husband and I eloped because our families were driving us crazy and we had very little money.

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with Nyla, it may have nothing to do with you. He may just not be the "wedding planning" type of man. A lot aren't. That doesn't change the fact that he wants to marry you, he even told you he can't wait. He just isn't interested in planning this wedding with you. I would advise that you just let it go and plan the wedding on your own. You can ask him questions that you may need his answers to, but make the plans yourself. So, are you okay with that?

Edited March 8, 2013 by Lauriebell82

[SugarPlumFairy]

Why haven't you asked him?

 

I did ask him. Thought I put that in my OP but I guess I didn't. He said he's very interested in discussing the plans and he got upset that I felt he wasn't interested.

[SugarPlumFairy]

OP, how old are you guys?

 

It is important...

 

We are both 31.

[SugarPlumFairy]

One question I have is do you have any female friends or any family at all who will be involved in the wedding planning?

 

The reason I ask is because I think what's happening to you is what happens to many women I've known (my wife included). I don't think it has to do at all with him wanting to be married to you by any means, its just that men typically just don't like planning weddings lol.

 

My wife was feeling exactly the same way as you in the beginning. About a month or two after the proposal as she was asking about colors for the dresses, and I was giving answers in between watching TV, she looked at me and asked if I even wanted to marry her; she was pretty upset . I ensured her that that was in no way the case, that I was excited for us to get married, and suggested that she talk to her best friend or sister about the wedding plans. Well as soon as she got those two, along with her aunt involved, they took over the wedding plans with a fiery passion lol. At that point they wouldn't even allow me to hardly make suggestions about what types of suits I wanted myself and the groomsmen to wear!

 

I know it seems that he's uninterested in getting married, but trust me; he's not. He loves you tons I'm sure, and you'll feel a lot better if you can find someone to plan this thing with you. This is just probably a case of him being a guy. Now on the other hand, and aunt on my moms side got married to a man who actually did more of the planning than her! If your guy isn't that passionate about it though, its probably not gonna happen, just try not to think of it as a disinterest in you or your wedding.

 

As the person above suggested, just ask him about it and tell him that when he doesn't show an interest in the planning it makes you wonder if he's second guessing the actual wedding. You'll know for sure then.

 

Thanks for your input,I definitely appreciate it.

 

I guess I just get confused bc he seemed so motivated about it then all that motivation died out fast. We aren't doing a huge wedding and we aren't having guests or anything like that. I'd never expect him to be interested in picking out the typically "girly" things that go along with a wedding but I do expect him to at least tell me if he wants a wedding in a tropical setting or if he wants it in a more rugged setting like colorado.

 

I don't want to plan OUR day by myself and call all the shots. Then it won't be OUR day...it'll be my day. I don't want a wedding like that. He knows all these things. His past words say he's interested but his actions speak otherwise.

[Silly_Girl]

I did ask him. Thought I put that in my OP but I guess I didn't. He said he's very interested in discussing the plans and he got upset that I felt he wasn't interested.

 

So it's just not his thing. But he's committed to the MARRIAGE? If you feel he is, but wedding details don't interest him, you have little to worry about. Wedding is an event, marriage is your whole lives together.