EchoAbove Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I posted this once but it was hard to read . I reread it and fixed a lot I'm still working on my English.Please if you have any advice it will help. Lets start at the beginning, my wife and i have been married 3 years we dated only 4 mouths before we got married. Im 25 and shes is as well .We have a 2 year old son.I've been very verbally abusive to my wife and I would also do it in front of my son when we would argue because I was so mad I really didn't care . When we argue, yeah she would say some stuff that would hurt me but I never really took it to the heart but I never really notice because I was to comfortable in the situation that the stuff I was saying when I was angry was very hurtful. Also I've been very controlling I wouldn't let her get a job or even go to the store without wanting to know what she's wearing. It's not all bad she's a stay at home mother before she left and I provided everything for the family working everyday to make sure we have everything we need to survive. Also when I come home I'd never spend time with them I would just come home and jump right on the video games. I wouldn't spend any time with my son and wife. Well about a month ago she left with my son out of the blue while I was at work.When I came home I wasn't mad I was very surprised. I kinda just sat down and thought about things and realized wtf was I doing. It was a super kick to the face and a big reality check. I knew I needed to straitened up and quick and get control over myself and my jealously and being controlling.. So I started going to marriage counseling and going to church (which I told her in the past I'd never go). I got rid of all my games, also started marriage classes. She was very confused by this because she thought I was just gonna be angry and get a divorce when she left. I really wanted to fix myself for her and fight for my marriage like the bible says to do. Will she saw that I was changing and went to marriage class with me and decided to come back home. So she came back home and everything was going great. I was still going to class I was spending time with them. I was doing everything she wanted to show her I'm gonna change for the better. She came up to me one night out of the blue and tells me she's leaving again because she feels like she loves me but not in love with me and she needed more time to think.. Well I tried talking her into staying and letting me win her love back but it didn't work she left again. Well she's been gone for about a month and we email back and forth almost everyday and FaceTime every once in awhile .When she left I rearranged the whole apartment to give it a new feel to get all the old memories out.. Two weekends ago we went to the beach and I got us a hotel and we stayed on the seawall.We had a blast you could tell she was comfortable and was hugging me and telling me she loved me . That Sunday while we were there I got sick so she actually came and stayed at the house with my son until I got better. Then I went and dropped her back off at where's shes staying. Ok this through me off even more because I thought everything was getting better. She came over this past weekend and earlier that day she was giving me signs she wanted to have sex.So I waited to that night and we were laying there and she said she didn't feel good and was tired. I guess out of confusion I told her that it sucks my wife doesn't wanna have sex with me which wasn't the right thing to say and I apologized right after. Knowing that wasn't the right thing to say .Well we started talking and she told me she sees me as a bestfriend and is comfortable with me but she has no drive to have sex.. So I tried to change the subject and told her well talk about it later when she's not sick or tired.. Well I went to work the next day and we emailed all day while I was there I apologized again to her for the night before and everything was going great. Well when I got home she asked if I wanted to take a shower together and we had sex which through me off. She ended up staying to Sunday and we had a blast.When she got back to were she was staying she emailed me and said she missed me already and loved me.Its Thursday and she's not emailing me as much ,I'm soooo confused. It seems like she's scared to trust me or something's holding her back. I just want my family back . I'm a changed man and I'm never gonna act like that to anybody ever again..she keeps telling me that she's just thinking it through and making sure she makes the right decision so she doesn't leave again.. I'm feel so empty cause I'm doing everything in my power to show her and idk what's going on in her head! Link to post Share on other sites
imfine Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Yay for you on taking the initiative to work on your issues! It's a difficult step to admit & even harder to do the work so keep doing what you're doing regardless of what happens with your marriage. Keep in mind that verbal abuse is very damaging to the receiver. Just because you are trying to do better doesn't mean she's going to trust you to stay this way. It's only been a month since she got the courage to leave. Abuse victims struggle with low self esteem, low self respect, trust issues & fear often caused by the actions of the abuser. You say you want your family back, but at this time it isn't about you. If you want this to work, you'll have to let her heal & come back on her time. If she chooses not to give your marriage another chance it's a consequence you'll have to accept for your choice to be an abusive husband. Just don't let it derail you from your goal of ending your abusive behavior. If she comes back, don't violate her trust in you again & do not take her for granted. No one deserves to be abused & no child should ever have to witness it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EchoAbove Posted March 7, 2013 Author Share Posted March 7, 2013 Yeah I feel really bad about doing that around my son. I can easily blame it on my childhood but I'm not because there's no excuse for it. But I'm glad I realized it while he's young because I don't want him to go through what I am going through.I'm gonna show him how to treat a women right from now on! I've learned a lot through this whole experiance. I'm just in the waiting period going through her ups and down emotions waiting to see if ill get another chance! Link to post Share on other sites
imfine Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Sounds like you are on the right track. Something else to think about, there are LOTS of "I's" in your posts. I'm working on this. I realized this. I want this. What I am going through. Although your needs are important, try to focus on the "us" in your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EchoAbove Posted March 8, 2013 Author Share Posted March 8, 2013 Well she's not at the house so I am mostly working on myself for us.I can't really work on us when she gone but I try as hard as a can to work on us. Link to post Share on other sites
jf2good Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 Just because you changed doesn't mean she is willing to forget all the abuse you did. I would suspect she has found someone else who has been treating her nice, not a permanent replacement for you or even a BF, maybe not even sex, but that along with your past explains why she isn't willing to get back together. Of course she loves you but love doesn't fix everything and you can be in love with someone and not willing or able to take them back. I am glad you are fixing yourself, let her fix herself and maybe it will be okay. But what if she did find someone who treats her nice, are you going to blow up and become verbally abusive again? Link to post Share on other sites
Techie Artist Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 It seems to me that you haven't invested enough time to get to know each other as people before engaging in some pretty serious relationships. You don't know how to talk to her because you don't know her. You get frustrated because you can't communicate like you want. She's probably thinking, "how stupid of me to have jumped into this relationship with this jerk..." and is running for the hills. I'm not saying she is not responsible for her haste, but it seems like you met and got right to baby making. Once you're caught up in the excitement of a baby (whether wanted or not), you're not really focusing on your spouse. The magic has worn off and there's nothing but cold reality that you don't even know yourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 EchoAbove knowing a bit about living with a control freak, I can tell you that even the most mundane comment or action can be perceived as intending to micromanage. Something as innocuous as "there are some crumbs on your shirt" could feel to her that you are only looking for flaws and not seeing the positive about your partner. You may have conquered the abusive language, but for your spouse having lived through that period in your life may take a while longer for them to feel comfortable that the changes are more than skin deep. As much as you can allow your spouse to feel free to be an independent free spirit, even in your company. It sounds like she desires this kind of empowerment because she turns down intimacy when you raise the desire, but welcomes it if she raises the desire independent of you. It sounds like you are on the right track, but that there is more work to be done as long as you are willing to work at it. Link to post Share on other sites
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