My “Good Guy” fiancé doesn’t know about the “bad boy” in our circle

[Estate]

I feel so sorry for the OP.

It was really great of you to want to tell your fiance, have no secrets and give him all he wanted... it's just horrible what he is/has done to you.

 

I'm sure this must be a REALLY tough time for you but please remember you did NOTHING wrong. This guy is deeply irrational and insecure. Past relationships, flings, friendsships or ANYTHING do not and never have effected your relationship and it's despicable that he is laying this guilt trip on you liek you did something wrong... YOU DID NOT! Your past is your past and I didn't hear ANYTHING you did wrong.

 

As difficult as this must be, try take some solice in know you deserve so much better. So many girls out there wouldn't care enough about their partner to go to such lengths to keep them happy.

It's also irrational that he wanted to know these things but then flips out when he does know...

 

Also... in terms of the "hints" he's referring to from Joe... I doubt a guy like Joe would do such things. If a guy is happy meeting new people, he won't dwell and cause trouble for previous girls he's met. Only insecure guys and those dwelling on girls they can't have (i.e. desperate guys) do that.

 

The sad part is... it won't be long before your fiance realized what a mistake he's made. I think you said you were his 3rd girlfriend and already he found a potential wife? That doesn't come often for guys.

He'll be back out in the real world in the future and he'll realise not just how hard a time he will have meeting anyone, but how impossible it will be to meet another girl who is not only goes to ridiculous lengths to please him, but also find a girl who can in anyway live up to his ridiculous "pure" standards over the age of 18.

 

It's of no consolation but be prepared for him to come crawling back eventually. Be strong, move on and meet someone who deserves you and when he comes crying back... ignore him. Let him live in his fantasy world of fairytale princesses.

[sweetjasmine]

There is indeed the possibility, yes, that Matt would not have gotten involved knowing that Jesse had gotten involved with a d-bag like Joe.

 

...which underscores my point that there is absolutely nothing she can do right now if Matt just doesn't respect her anymore because of what she did in the past. She could shoot Joe out of a cannon into outer space to prove her loyalty, and it wouldn't matter.

 

I was also astounded that Joe got all this wild-n-crazy sex with Jesse while Matt had not.

 

It sounded like Matt brought up that stuff and Jessie was willing to do it, so I really don't see what the problem is.

 

We accept that people have a past.

 

It sure sounds like Matt doesn't accept it.

[aed]

...which underscores my point that there is absolutely nothing she can do right now if Matt just doesn't respect her anymore because of what she did in the past. She could shoot Joe out of a cannon into outer space to prove her loyalty, and it wouldn't matter.

 

You don't know she lied from the beginning!

 

 

 

It sounded like Matt brought up that stuff and Jessie was willing to do it, so I really don't see what the problem is.

She also lied about that. He thought he would be the first that it was something they would share and you are going to marry someone with the intention to stay with only that person for the rest of your life!

 

So if she didn't lie he wouldn't had any other believes about that.

Edited March 10, 2013 by aed

[Krieger]

I am not relationship expert but it just not a good idea to keep people around you use to sleep with if your in a serious relationship and about to become husband and wife.

 

I do not know of too many woman that would be cool with a guy hang out or being in close contact with a girl they use to sleep with .

 

I might be wrong what the hell do I know about woman

[StanMusial]

I am not relationship expert but it just not a good idea to keep people around you use to sleep with if your in a serious relationship and about to become husband and wife.

 

I do not know of too many woman that would be cool with a guy hang out or being in close contact with a girl they use to sleep with .

 

I might be wrong what the hell do I know about woman

 

You are farther ahead in the game than you even realize.

[Green Light]

They all three sounds like giant d@uches to me!

[Krieger]

You are farther ahead in the game than you even realize.

 

 

I might be one of the guys that just get it. I know when I get a gf I know what to do to keep her.

 

 

All I really did is study other people and how they failed with woman and do not make the same mistakes . I am very good a listing and paying attention to details.

[Jessie2013]

I logged back on but this is going to be my last post today. I'm just exhausted.

 

All I want to say is that Matt is not the bad guy here. He's the man I love and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I guess to add to all my other mistakes, I should not have called him nice or sweet or whatever. I guess to some that leaves the impresssion he's insecure and manipulating. That is just so not true. I was actually very flattered that he had limited experience in the bedroom. I actually really really liked that!

 

Also, about Joe. He is a user and I was incredibly dumb enough to get used. It was all about sex for him. And worse it was all about "ass." And I foolishly thought it would lead to something and it didn't. I am just so mad at myself cause he was beyond a mistake and i just let it happen again and again. So when people here say "Joe is the hero" in all this, it kinda hurts and makes me feel even worse.

 

And it's not like I wanted him around after we stopped our non-relationship. His parents have been friends with mine for a very long time. I just figured I'd let sleeping dogs lie. And I believe Matt when he said Joe made "comments" to him. Joe is just bad news. He is not a hero. You know, I know it'll sound pathetic, but if there is any hero it's my Matt.

[ThaWholigan]

I logged back on but this is going to be my last post today. I'm just exhausted.

 

All I want to say is that Matt is not the bad guy here. He's the man I love and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I guess to add to all my other mistakes, I should not have called him nice or sweet or whatever. I guess to some that leaves the impresssion he's insecure and manipulating. That is just so not true. I was actually very flattered that he had limited experience in the bedroom. I actually really really liked that!

 

Also, about Joe. He is a user and I was incredibly dumb enough to get used. It was all about sex for him. And worse it was all about "ass." And I foolishly thought it would lead to something and it didn't. I am just so mad at myself cause he was beyond a mistake and i just let it happen again and again. So when people here say "Joe is the hero" in all this, it kinda hurts and makes me feel even worse.

 

And it's not like I wanted him around after we stopped our non-relationship. His parents have been friends with mine for a very long time. I just figured I'd let sleeping dogs lie. And I believe Matt when he said Joe made "comments" to him. Joe is just bad news. He is not a hero. You know, I know it'll sound pathetic, but if there is any hero it's my Matt.

Sorry, it was a joke on my part - obviously Joe is not the hero, but the stereotypes that follow these "nice guy/jerk" threads tend to have that effect. It's sweet that you liked Matt's inexperience, and I don't believe he's anything close to the bad guy, but at the end of the day going from what you told us, there were things about Matt that clearly indicated that this wasn't exactly a perfect match.

 

Your parents being friends suggest that he's firmly entrenched in your social circle and that is a slight problem. I suggest you have a very thorough conversation with Joe and tell him to f*ck off if he causes any trouble in your future relationships.

 

Regardless, I'm not sure if it will work with Matt anymore, sadly. Matt may be a nice guy and perfect for you, but (and I hate to say it without sounding insulting here but) you aren't exactly what he was looking for. Me personally, I don't share his viewpoint regarding past relationships, but that's his prerogative and unfortunately because of your omission, it made things worse.

 

I suggest you take time to yourself and think about things. It will be difficult to get over as I'm sure you love Matt a great deal, and it's sad that things ended up this way. Do what you must to get over this, and you will come out the other side. And if you do go back to dating, don't try to find another Matt. Find someone who has similar qualities, but make sure that his values allow for your past to be exactly that - the past.

 

I wish you luck, and I hope that things work out for the best.

[RedRobin]

And just try to support OP in one way or an other.

 

Ok... will do...

 

The OP shouldn't have to twist herself into knots and come up with elaborate scripts about this, that, or the other thing because he, Matt, has a fantasy.

 

... and here is something else...

 

A lifelong marriage requires more than honesty... It requires the ability to forgive.

 

That said, everyone deserves full disclosure about things that are really important to them so that they can make an informed decision. Unfortunately for Matt, I believe he will be the one regretting this decision in the long run. But that is life.

Edited March 11, 2013 by RedRobin

[TheGuard13]

A lifelong marriage requires more than honesty... It requires the ability to forgive

 

This. Exactly.

[Woggle]

If a woman was about to marry a man who was once obsessed with trying to turn an attractive maneater into a loyal girlfriend and gave up when he realized it was pointless would this not raise any red flags. If said guy also kept this woman around and hung around with her would she not have any problem with it at all? This is in no way saying Jessie is guilty of anything but in Matt's mind he is trying to protect himself and prevent heartbreak before it happens. We are allowed to do that. We are entitled to take steps to avoid becoming another statistic.

[veggirl]

Exactly, that's the f*cked up thing about this whole story. One way or another, Joe seems to be the hero that gets away with it. Matt is painted as the insecure beta who can't handle that his woman has a freaky side and got with the player one time, and the heroine is a party girl who just wants to settle down. A little too convenient but.....

 

Matt is entitled to feel the way that he does - the problem is, it won't do him any favors, which is why I said to Quiet Storm that I think it is silly. Just the same way it doesn't do Jessie any favors to lie at the beginning to snag a nice guy, and pretend to be something she isn't - even sexually. Joe sadly can just keep being Joe because he's getting what he wants.

 

I feel for both Matt and Jessie - both could have handled things differently, but I reckon it wasn't meant to be anyway. I know that girls want to settle down after they've had the fun, but it's usually a bad idea to get with a guy who would think lowly of your past if he knew - no matter how compatible you are with him and how safe he makes you feel in a relationship. Besides, later on down the line, there will be another Joe who comes along that may complicate things anyway.

 

Wholigan, major word!!!

 

Summed the whole issue up very well. It is very true, the bolded. I have "had my fun" in my past and then afterwards yes it was a bad idea to date guys who would be pissed off that I'd done so, I experienced that first hand! And I've actually thought that part of the reason my bf and I are so cool with each other (apart from a general don't ask don't tell about specifics, #s, etc) was because its clear from both of our personalities/lives that we have "had fun" in the past but when we met were looking for something more. I couldn't even IMAGINE a guy I am compatible with asking me to tell him if we run into someone I have slept with or dated or to tell him my specific # (not that its all cray cray but I mean I'm sure its more than Matt would approve of, lol). Like if a guy said that to me in the beginning, I would just know that he'd NEVER approve of me.

 

OP I hope it works out for you, maybe Matt will come around in a few days. I feel for you, but if it doesn't work out its a lesson learned. Matt is obviously very insecure about his sexual history, which is sad, but it's not YOUR fault and he shouldn't have put that burden on you.

[fortyninethousand322]

Sometimes insecurity is justified, because there are people who will judge you on your sexual history or lack of a history. I'm not saying OP would judge Matt for not having a wild enough sexual past but there are women who would. Likewise, there are men who would judge women for their sexual pasts (as this thread demonstrates).

 

I freely admit I am one who would judge someone (man or woman, though I'm only attracted to women) based on their sexual history. If a woman told me she had lots of casual sex in her past and enjoyed it, I would view her negatively. That is why I do not want to know anything about sexual pasts. As long as you're clean and you have no children living at home, I don't want to know anything. The less I know the better.

[kaylan]

Ok... will do...

 

The OP shouldn't have to twist herself into knots and come up with elaborate scripts about this, that, or the other thing because he, Matt, has a fantasy.

 

... and here is something else...

 

A lifelong marriage requires more than honesty... It requires the ability to forgive.

 

That said, everyone deserves full disclosure about things that are really important to them so that they can make an informed decision. Unfortunately for Matt, I believe he will be the one regretting this decision in the long run. But that is life.

Doubtful.

 

The way most people work, they feel better off knowing that their partners former lovers are no longer hanging around in their life, especially not in their friend group. I dont wanna date a girl whos screwed her friends, and I dont wanna date a girl who remains buddies and hangs out with exs/former lovers.

 

Its unsettling. So with that being said, I can see a guy being happier, and not regretting finding someone who knows how to be honest from the get go, and also knows how to keep past lovers out of their new life. Thats some good piece of mind and more assurance of less drama.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I don't know why everyone seems to think Joe is a jerk.

 

He just wanted and had a sex only relationship with Jessie, before Matt was in the picture. He was honest and straightforward about that to Jessie. After Matt was in the picture, there was no mention of him trying anything on Jessie. Only after Jessie confessed did Matt suspect that Joe had made snarky comments to him (Matt). Which was probably just how Matt's mind was going because of discovering Jessie's deception about Joe. And why would Joe snipe at him? He was the one who moved on from Jessie. I don't see that Joe did anything wrong to either of them.

 

My impression of the story was that Joe was causing problems with Matt before she told him....and they never liked each other.

 

I saw it as Joe (the bad boy douche) constantly ripping on Matt (the reserved nice guy). Then Matt made the connection after Jessie told him the reality of the situation.

 

Maybe I misread?

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

nice men finish in the shower with a hottie

 

Boom, baby.

 

[Green Light]

Joe didn't do anything wrong. He was just being Joe.

The OP didn't do anything wrong by being with Joe but she should have had full disclosure with Matt from the beginning since they both know Joe.

Matt is being a bit uptight but I'm sure this was a lot to take in but I bet he comes around. And it's really just that simple.

I thank God everyday for the internet!

[lino]

There is indeed the possibility, yes, that Matt would not have gotten involved knowing that Jesse had gotten involved with a d-bag like Joe. Which is why I've really gotten on the women on here who are looking for a relationship with a solid upstanding guy to really think twice about having fun now with Bad Boy, because it might come back against the woman. This advice gets dismissed as "slut-shaming" unfortunately. C'est la vie.

 

BUT Jessie (and several of the other women on here I suspect) have a lot to learn about how men work. Respect is huge to us. Furthermore, we measure respect by (a) whether you put us first over your friends or social circle, and (b) how much sexual access you give to us versus other guys. Jesse failed miserably with respect to both (a) and (b). I was also astounded that Joe got all this wild-n-crazy sex with Jesse while Matt had not.

 

There are many guys--myself included--who would have been OK with Jesse's past disclosed early on but who would have been NOT OK with Jesse (a) keeping Joe around, and (b) only granting "vanilla" sex with me while she gave some d-bag all sort of extra wild-and-crazy stuff. We accept that people have a past. It's the disrespect that we won't stand. Good for Matt.

 

I agree completely.

 

This guy has shown real backbone, well done.

[diskostu]

"slut shaming" is a red herring. irrelevant distraction tactics by "sluts".

 

the past matters to a lot of guys. that is just the way things are. if a woman wants to party up and get with a bunch of bad boys, that will influence how guys look at you. to put it simple, your sexual value drops.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Hi everybody. Bad day yesterday. I took to heart all of your comments and suggestions so I decided to do the right thing and come clean. Matt and I went out for dinner last night and when we got back to his place I told him that I had something totell him. So I told him about the stupid fling I had with Joe. I think he was just stunned. He just kind of looked at me weird for a minute.

He then started with an incredulous "you f-ed Joe?" He looked dazed andsad and I really didn't know how to react. Then all of a sudden there was alot of talk and he wanted all the stupid details - which I didn't really provide. He said he couldn't believe that I was one of Joe's "easy conquests." I then made the mistake of saying that it was only sexual. He cut me off and told me to go home. I didn't want to leave but Matt pushed it so I did. He just had this look on his face that I've never seen before. He never screamed or shouted though so maybe that's good.

He hasn't called me today even though I've left him three voicemails and a bunch of texts. I don't know what to do. I can't believe that this sweet nice man who has treated me so perfectly and who I want to marry would leave me. What can I do?

 

Bravo for being honest! If this doesn't work out then Matt just isn't the guy for you and you are not the girl for him. These situations only occur when you hide and lie about who you are.

 

If this is something you guys can work past then it's a great foundation for a future marriage. Building a marriage on lies is a very bad way to start and always ends in more tears.

 

I really admire your courage in doing the right thing... Best of Luck to you!

[Drseussgrrl]

Given the number of threads started about this topic recently I have a hard time believing this is real.

[ThaWholigan]

Given the number of threads started about this topic recently I have a hard time believing this is real.

I have the same reservations but it doesn't hurt to advise anyway - someone going through the same issue may read anyway.

[Drseussgrrl]

I have the same reservations but it doesn't hurt to advise anyway - someone going through the same issue may read anyway.

 

Yeah um - I dunno. This seems to be an issue I've only encountered on LS. I don't know anyone who goes around saying "Oh I'll tell you if we run into someone I've slept with."

 

How stupid is that?

[Drseussgrrl]

I have the same reservations but it doesn't hurt to advise anyway - someone going through the same issue may read anyway.

 

This is also along the lines of the girl whose boyfriend got the "book" for his birthday that she posed nude in.

 

Just another thread created to somehow make women feel badly about the past.