My “Good Guy” fiancé doesn’t know about the “bad boy” in our circle

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

LOL @ this thread.....

 

first, that it's still going on

 

second, that everyone is so passionate about these random people

 

third, that OP stopped contributing pages ago.

[ThaWholigan]

LOL @ this thread.....

 

first, that it's still going on

 

second, that everyone is so passionate about these random people

 

third, that OP stopped contributing pages ago.

This has been a hot topic for a few months now - women with otherwise "colorful" (sometimes not even that) sexual histories with men who do not approve of this. It's a back and forth. I understand both sides of the argument, but I just think it is silly all round.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

This has been a hot topic for a few months now - women with otherwise "colorful" (sometimes not even that) sexual histories with men who do not approve of this. It's a back and forth. I understand both sides of the argument, but I just think it is silly all round.

 

Hahaha agreed.

 

It's funny too. These topics always pins the girls against the guys.

[sharklazers]

It's not hard to imagine most women handling it the way Jessica did. And if I were Matt I would have done the same thing. The only surprising parts of this story is that Jessica actually told the truth and Matt didn't come crawling back. (At least not yet). Everyone here is so quick to judge and find fault. No wonder some of you are single.

[ThaWholigan]

Hahaha agreed.

 

It's funny too. These topics always pins the girls against the guys.

Well, I have a lot of "Joe" friends, and instead of shunning them I learned from them. That doesn't make me a Joe - it makes me f*cking smart, damnit . I am Matt+Joe.

 

I'm Moe .

[mn311601]

Assume every women you ever ask about her sexual past is lying to you. End of thread. They will never tell the truth, they'll look you in the face and lie to their heart's content. If it's that important to know about, find someone else to date.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Assume every women you ever ask about her sexual past is lying to you. End of thread. They will never tell the truth, they'll look you in the face and lie to their heart's content. If it's that important to know about, find someone else to date.

 

I'm not touching this one with a 50 foot pole.

 

But, in my experience.......

[pbjbear]

Your bf must be insecure.

 

Most girls have dated douchebags at some point. Thats how you learn. It a woman hasnt, she must have married the first boyfriend shes ever had. Alot of men have dated the equivalent of douchebag women too

 

Now, if you still had feelings for Joe or had poor boundaries when with him, itd be different

[pbjbear]

She's only with her current beau because she can monopolize his life unlike Joe. She doesn't come off as someone who fell out of love with Joe for his flaws meaning she will be back with another Joe.

 

Her bf might be insecure about the Joe's of the world and the women who prefer them, but he also knows Joe's women are never going to be relationship material as much as they pretend they want a LTR. They don't have the qualities necessary for a stable, long term commitment since they are chasing unattainable guys for the excitement factor. You can't grow out of that kind of personality. A woman who wants that kind of guy will always put them above others. They can force themselves to be interested in men who commit but they won't be satisfied.

 

I find it funny women like OP label Joe as disrespectful toward women and players. Respect is earned and she along with all of Joe's women don't live a life warranting respect. He isn't disrespectful. They aren't respectful of themselves so what is there to respect? Then on to the player business. A player tells a woman a pack of lies to get what he wants from her, but when a woman gives up exactly what he wants without having to play games then he is no player. That he went along with the agreed upon ground rules and she wanted to change them later on yet he was never on board for this bait and switch and didn't acquiesce to her demands doesn't make him a player. If anything that makes her a player.

 

I 100% agree with the bolded part, for both men and women. Anybody who chased unattainable boys/girls is not fit for a healthy LTR

I dont think Joe is a disrespectful player. He seems like a nice guy based on whats written. Its just worrisome he gets insecure he hasnt slept with the same # of people as his girlfriend and would flip out if he found out his girl once dated a bad guy for a short period of time

[pbjbear]

It is a common pet peeve of guys who want LTR. They won't want a woman whose life is such a radical departure from their own and a significant mismatch. When he finds out he was lied to about something so crucial to him he will take great issue with it. That's the way anyone would react to something so important to them. The difference is only in the expression. Some brood and some explode.

 

Its all g. I agree. I am not a whore and I dont want to date a guy who has a history of sleeping around. Most guys like that make ****ty boyfriends because they dont have much self control and tend to be kinda selfish.

As long as people arent hypocritical, I dont care. I just hate it when manwhore men think they are entitled to a pure loyal innocent girl as a girlfriend because theyre huge hypocrites or when women do the same.

[Woggle]

Like I keep saying it has nothing to do with past sexual experience. I don't care how many partners a woman has but keeping somebody around who you tried unsuccessfully to turn into a real relationship is just a red flag. One thing I will say is that the OP is being honest and isn't trying to turn Matt into the bad guy for his concerns. That is a huge plus.

 

Marriage is a huge step and can seriously blow up in your face if you marry the wrong person. A woman caught up with some jerk who then tries to get with a guy who is the complete opposite but one day realizes she is not really attracted to him is a cliche at this point so what is so wrong with Matt not wanting to risk this happening to him?

 

I would say the exact same thing if the genders were reversed. It all boils down to not wanting to get involved with somebody you think is caught up on an ex.

[Vercetti]

Ive got the perfect wedding card for Matt " Tell your wife thanks."

 

Really, are you going to let Joe pimp you, your family, your future husband to the end of time?

 

My mind goes wild with the power plays Joe could pull, lulz he could have you sucking his dick in a closet at a family reunion just to keep his mouth shut.

[dichotomy]

Jessie,

 

I think you are a good person. I think from your recent story from Matt's breaking up with you - you have grown and learned something.

 

As a former "Matt" type guy - I think this can help you in the future for relationships. I think Matt may mature as well if he has a few more relationships before he gets married. But as mentioned by many others here there are certain things Matt type men want

 

1) Honesty

2) Respect/honor/protect

3) Feeling that they are special and that often means getting your best or something that all the others did not..(sex is one way, but there are other ways to show it)

4) that no matter what your past, that you share their beliefs now

 

Many people talk about being loved but actually what they believe is love (called love 5 love languages) varies from person to person. Acts of service "show me love" is often the major language for some men.

 

Also there is a common difference among men and women that I heard in a sermon. When asked whether they value love or respect, women will most often say "love" while men say "respect". In fact men will say they if they were forced to choose - that would choose to be respected over being loved in a relationship.

Edited March 12, 2013 by dichotomy

[TheGuard13]

Her bf might be insecure about the Joe's of the world and the women who prefer them, but he also knows Joe's women are never going to be relationship material as much as they pretend they want a LTR. They don't have the qualities necessary for a stable, long term commitment since they are chasing unattainable guys for the excitement factor. You can't grow out of that kind of personality.

 

Yes you can. That's absolute nonsense.

 

A woman who wants that kind of guy will always put them above others. They can force themselves to be interested in men who commit but they won't be satisfied.

 

I seriously doubt she was chasing Joe because he's an *******. She was chasing him because there was some excitement. There's nothing wrong with wanting a man with confidence and experience. She made a mistake regarding Joe, but it seem she recognized that mistake, hence being with Matt. Now she may just need to find a happy medium.

 

Speaking of respect, I don't see much respect for the OP on here, with everyone assuming she still wants to be with Joe, would cheat on Matt with Joe, etc. Is it possible? Sure, anything's possible. But she's given no indication that this would be the case. Ease up.

[Jessie2013]

I've stopped moping around and I'm going to make things right!

 

First, I want to thank everyone for all the advice.

 

Second, I REALLY want to make clear that Joe is history. Period. So the suggestions that I'm going to run back to him or do him in some reunion closet like somebody suggested IS. NOT. GOING. TO. EVER. HAPPEN. I'm going to do my best to make it up to Matt and get back together. Joe is unfortunate regretttable history. So please stop saying I still have a thing for him. I do not. At this point I can't even imagine what I saw in him in the first place.

 

 

Third, I told my Mom yesterday about Matt and me and why. I've always been close to my Mom and she (and my Dad) really like Matt. Anyway, my Mom told me to apologise to Matt for everything he thinks I did wrong. (She also looked at me disapprovingly whenI told her about Joe because she knows Joe's track record with women. She told me not to tell my Dad because he would flip).

 

My Mom also explained alot about good guys like Matt which is pretty close to what the "pro Matt" people said here. She told me to "make him feel extra special in the bedroom" - more so than I have up to now. I knew all this already but having my conservative Mom say this really hit home.

 

Anyway, I'm not going to let what was a great relationship with Matt just die because of stupid things I've done with with stupid ass Joe. (I am still just so completely pissed at him for needling Matt) .

 

Anyhow, anything can be fixed with the right atitude, right? I'm kinda optimistic today so for starters I'm thinking of trying to see Matt tonight and "make up."

[Untouchable_Fire]

I've stopped moping around and I'm going to make things right!

First, I want to thank everyone for all the advice.

Second, I REALLY want to make clear that Joe is history. Period. So the suggestions that I'm going to run back to him or do him in some reunion closet like somebody suggested IS. NOT. GOING. TO. EVER. HAPPEN. I'm going to do my best to make it up to Matt and get back together. Joe is unfortunate regretttable history. So please stop saying I still have a thing for him. I do not. At this point I can't even imagine what I saw in him in the first place.

Third, I told my Mom yesterday about Matt and me and why. I've always been close to my Mom and she (and my Dad) really like Matt. Anyway, my Mom told me to apologise to Matt for everything he thinks I did wrong. (She also looked at me disapprovingly whenI told her about Joe because she knows Joe's track record with women. She told me not to tell my Dad because he would flip).

My Mom also explained alot about good guys like Matt which is pretty close to what the "pro Matt" people said here. She told me to "make him feel extra special in the bedroom" - more so than I have up to now. I knew all this already but having my conservative Mom say this really hit home.

Anyway, I'm not going to let what was a great relationship with Matt just die because of stupid things I've done with with stupid ass Joe. (I am still just so completely pissed at him for needling Matt) .

Anyhow, anything can be fixed with the right atitude, right? I'm kinda optimistic today so for starters I'm thinking of trying to see Matt tonight and "make up."

 

You should not be apologizing for ever dating Joe. You should apologize for not being honest about it... and for keeping the butthole in your life.

 

The ball is kind of in Matt's court. Either he deals with this and moves forward with you... or he moves forward without dealing with it... or breakup time.

 

Also... I'm not sure your parents should be reacting to this in that manner.

[Drseussgrrl]

"My Mom also explained alot about good guys like Matt which is pretty close to what the "pro Matt" people said here. She told me to "make him feel extra special in the bedroom" - more so than I have up to now."

 

Now I KNOW this is fake.

[Nyla]

She's only with her current beau because she can monopolize his life unlike Joe. She doesn't come off as someone who fell out of love with Joe for his flaws meaning she will be back with another Joe.

 

Her bf might be insecure about the Joe's of the world and the women who prefer them, but he also knows Joe's women are never going to be relationship material as much as they pretend they want a LTR. They don't have the qualities necessary for a stable, long term commitment since they are chasing unattainable guys for the excitement factor. You can't grow out of that kind of personality. A woman who wants that kind of guy will always put them above others. They can force themselves to be interested in men who commit but they won't be satisfied.

 

I find it funny women like OP label Joe as disrespectful toward women and players. Respect is earned and she along with all of Joe's women don't live a life warranting respect. He isn't disrespectful. They aren't respectful of themselves so what is there to respect? Then on to the player business. A player tells a woman a pack of lies to get what he wants from her, but when a woman gives up exactly what he wants without having to play games then he is no player. That he went along with the agreed upon ground rules and she wanted to change them later on yet he was never on board for this bait and switch and didn't acquiesce to her demands doesn't make him a player. If anything that makes her a player.

 

If you think a woman cannot grow out of choosing men who are wrong for her, you are either very young or haven't had much experience with men or relationships.

 

People usually make radically different choices as they get older and mature. This includes learning what works for them in a relationship, as well as choosing partners who have all the desired attributes. It is the same reason why experts say that getting married too young is rarely a good idea; a person who is in their late teens or early twenties is still finding out who they are and what they want. What people want at 20 is often very different from what they choose at 25 or 30.

 

This is why many people will look back on their high school or early twenties romances and laugh at their naive choices when they get to their thirties. Just because a woman is naive and falls for lies at one point in her life, it doesn't mean that she never deserves respect again.

 

People can and do outgrow ANYTHING. It is called maturation.

[Nyla]

I don't think the OP's fiance is insecure. I think he has every right to be upset. His fiancee had the nerve to bring a past sexual partner, around the man she is supposed to marry. That is very disrespectful and cruel.

 

My husband is aware of my past, but there is no way I would disrespect him by parading ANY of my exes or sexual partners around the man I love. I expect the same decency from my husband and thankfully, I have never been exposed to any of his exes.

[serial muse]

OP, can you clear something up?

 

You said at one point that the reason Joe comes over to your condo is because your parents and his are long-time friends.

 

So, you live at home with your parents and he comes over with his? Even though your parents apparently think he's a horndog, they have him over?

 

Or do you live at home and invite him over yourself?

 

There seems to be some confusion here.

[fortyninethousand322]

If you think a woman cannot grow out of choosing men who are wrong for her, you are either very young or haven't had much experience with men or relationships.

 

People usually make radically different choices as they get older and mature. This includes learning what works for them in a relationship, as well as choosing partners who have all the desired attributes. It is the same reason why experts say that getting married too young is rarely a good idea; a person who is in their late teens or early twenties is still finding out who they are and what they want. What people want at 20 is often very different from what they choose at 25 or 30.

 

This is why many people will look back on their high school or early twenties romances and laugh at their naive choices when they get to their thirties. Just because a woman is naive and falls for lies at one point in her life, it doesn't mean that she never deserves respect again.

 

People can and do outgrow ANYTHING. It is called maturation.

 

I don't know, I think a lot of people stick to past behaviors. Despite claiming to change.

[Desensitized]

"My Mom also explained alot about good guys like Matt which is pretty close to what the "pro Matt" people said here. She told me to "make him feel extra special in the bedroom" - more so than I have up to now."

 

Now I KNOW this is fake.

 

I was thinking the exact same thing.

[Desensitized]

I've stopped moping around and I'm going to make things right!

 

First, I want to thank everyone for all the advice.

 

Second, I REALLY want to make clear that Joe is history. Period. So the suggestions that I'm going to run back to him or do him in some reunion closet like somebody suggested IS. NOT. GOING. TO. EVER. HAPPEN. I'm going to do my best to make it up to Matt and get back together. Joe is unfortunate regretttable history. So please stop saying I still have a thing for him. I do not. At this point I can't even imagine what I saw in him in the first place.

 

 

Third, I told my Mom yesterday about Matt and me and why. I've always been close to my Mom and she (and my Dad) really like Matt. Anyway, my Mom told me to apologise to Matt for everything he thinks I did wrong. (She also looked at me disapprovingly whenI told her about Joe because she knows Joe's track record with women. She told me not to tell my Dad because he would flip).

 

My Mom also explained alot about good guys like Matt which is pretty close to what the "pro Matt" people said here. She told me to "make him feel extra special in the bedroom" - more so than I have up to now. I knew all this already but having my conservative Mom say this really hit home.

 

Anyway, I'm not going to let what was a great relationship with Matt just die because of stupid things I've done with with stupid ass Joe. (I am still just so completely pissed at him for needling Matt) .

 

Anyhow, anything can be fixed with the right atitude, right? I'm kinda optimistic today so for starters I'm thinking of trying to see Matt tonight and "make up."

 

That's all fine and dandy that you just realized that you shouldn't be having contact with Joe, but I think you're a little too late. Your optimism is noble, but think about it... this isn't an issue Matt is going to just forgive overnight. He needs time. A LOT of time. You're completely delusional if you think doing everything you SHOULD HAVE been doing in the first place, will make everything A-okay again. It just doesn't work that way. I hate to be brutally honest with you, but you have a 5% chance of still being engaged to this guy when it's all said and done.

 

But good luck to you.

[twosadthings]

Jessie,

 

Anything worth having is worth working for. Your mom is right on the money and frankly any further revelations about what went before with Joe are best minimized with everyone. I'm not saying to lie to Matt but you have to know that words can hurt and can't be unsaid. Choose them wisely.

 

There should be no further contact with Joe of any kind. No social circle things where he would be involved or even likely to be involved. No family B-B-Qs with his parents where he could expect to be invited. I also think that you should reassure Matt that he could never attend or be welcome at your wedding.

 

You were too slow to get pro-active on this matter when you knew you had made a promise that you didn't keep. Make this the basis for your reconnection with Matt, he needs to know you'll have his back in times and situations to come.

 

Good luck and stay strong,

 

Twosadthings

[craigervine]

Matt finally did call me back and we decided to get together for breakfast. We had a long heart to heart conversation and basically Matt decided that he wanted for us to break up.

 

He was as Matt always is. He spoke softly and did not shout or call me names. He does not see the situation as some of you guys here said he should and as I hoped he would.

 

He figures I lied to him about Joe and insulted him by keeping Joe around. To make matters worse, Matt said that on the occassions he did interact with Joe, Joe would make sideways smarmy comments. Matt thought Joe was being a "dick" but now he knows that Joe was hinting at the "thing" he and I had.

 

Matt asked if I also lied about the stuff we've talked about doing together. Specifiaclly he asked if if Joe "f-ed me in the ***". I kinda sputtered and Matt took that as a yes. So Matt figures Joe "got all the goods" and he hasn't.

 

I guess his biggest issue was (and I knew it would be) that he said he can't see himself marrying a girl who was only his third girl knowing that she's been Joe's 100th. He can't deal with that. He also figures our friends know that I was one of Joe's notches and Matt finds that humiliating

 

People here have said that I should be with someone who accepts me for how I truly am and that I shouldn't have to hide anything. Well, I tried that with idiots in the past and it has never worked out LONG TERM. All the players are more than willing to accept your past as long as they're having fun. But they don't want to commit or get married. So, I decided to change course and was lucky enough to finally meet a genuinely nice respectful guy. That's my Matt. Unfortunately for me, guys with Matt's background and views just don't want a former half party girl. I know that so I fudged things. This is not Matt's fault so calling him insecure and manipulating and so on really does me no good. I screwed it up with him and I just wish I couldmake things better.

 

Our talk sort of ended when Matt stopped talking. I said I really wanted to talk more later and Matt kinda just shrugged.

 

Not much else to say. I am like so completely depressed I don't know whether to cry or to laugh. Even if we do meet up later I don't even know where to begin.

 

the fault wasnt you told him, you just told him too late.

 

theres stillhope, he just needs time.

 

but if it doesnt work, just be upfront early and make it with a point that you dont want to hide anythingfrom a love