My “Good Guy” fiancé doesn’t know about the “bad boy” in our circle

[dichotomy]

To be completely honest here, I'm scared that if Matt finds out (or when I tell him) that he won't want to marry me. I'm only his third and he'll see me as one of the many that Joe has gone through.

 

Not a good view of the girl he wants as his wife. Even if we get past my lie, he's not going to be happy that a guy he barely tolerates had a strictly sexual 'relationship' with me.

 

Yes he may feel that...and more:

 

He will wonder if you truly love him - because people who love don't lie like this (about beliefs important to them ), and even more that you allowed him to hang out with Joe (and him not knowing), or that you did not cut Joe out of your life for him (sacrifice).

 

He will wonder if he truly loves you - because YOU may not be the YOU he fell in love with.

 

He won't trust you and will wonder what else you will say, do or lie about in the future, or are still hiding.

 

You have to tell him now - it will come out later, Divorce is 10x painful than breaking up. However, after you tell him the basics, there will be ways for you to save the relationship - but it will likely take some deep regret on your part for the lying and disrespect, getting Joe out of your life and expressing regret over joe (possibly requiring you to do it openly), and being brutally honest about past details (answering any question Matt may have - and I mean ANY). You have essentially betrayed him - and the steps necessary to rebuild the relationship will be like those of a person who had an affair.

 

You have dug yourself a hole, don't make it a cavern by marrying him and not telling him.

Edited March 8, 2013 by dichotomy

[clia]

I think you have to tell him because of this:

 

He said he can accept that I’ve had “some partners” but he does notwant to meet any of them but if we were to run into any of them to tell him. Isaid no problem and that I’ve had “so few” that this would probably never happen.

 

You told him you would.

 

I would never agree to a condition like this. It's none of his concern who you slept with before you ever met him. You should've told him to go pound sand when he demanded this of you. But you didn't. You said "no problem" knowing that Joe was part of your social circle. When you agreed to his conditions, how did you plan on dealing with Joe? You claim you can't eliminate Joe from the circle, so you knew it would come up. So why agree? Honestly, your story makes no sense.

 

And now...you've let it go on and on and on. So, expect Matt to be pissed. I expect he will dump you. But, you walked into this with your eyes wide open. If you think there is no chance he will ever, for the rest of his life, find out about Joe, you can probably keep it to yourself.

[Discjockey80]

The OP definitely should feel bad that she hasn't done more to get Joe out of their lives and it's NOT wrong on Matt's part to be sensitive about his relative lack of experience.

 

Regardless of whether she tells, it's paramount that they get Joe out of their lives -- otherwise, the OP and Joe are just rubbing Matt's nose in it, even if Matt doesn't realize it. With Joe's permanent exit, the relationship might survive laying all the cards on the table, but I would think it would be difficult.

 

I'm in Matt's area of experience level and if a woman I'm in love with sprung this on me, it would create some big rifts to overcome. How on earth would I ever know if I'm satisfying her sexually? How can a tamer sex life with me equate to a stronger attraction than what she had with the player? If she really wants me more, why isn't she just as uninhibited with me?

 

Yeah...see this last part about the tamer sex life, etc. Thats the core of this issue aside from Joe's continued presence. Reading through this I've had

 

Jessie-

Would you do anything you did with Joe the same with Matt as far as Matt's fantasies are concerned?

[diskostu]

prediction: op will end up sleeping with the bad boy once again.

 

 

god women are predictable.

[Drseussgrrl]

Oh the tangled webs we weave.

[aed]

To all the ladies that say Math is to insecure, clinging the problem etc....

 

He doesn't know and OP is just saying what she thinks his reaction would be.

 

(Also why lie about something, that you know the other person has problems with? Why trick someone to be in a relationship with you. And at the same time the same women make threads about how guys are jerks and have used them. lie (question is if those guys realy lied, but that is an other discussion) to them to sleep with the girl. That is wrong, but something like this is not?!)

 

 

When you marry someone you want to know that person. And like it or not previcous behaviour can be a prediction of how someone will be in the future.

 

At this moment the only one that is insecure is OP, because she fears his reaction, because of the lie she created. She doesn't know what he is going to do. But lets be fair: that is being an adult: being open en vulnerable. that means that people will not like some parts of you and how you view the world. Yet being vulnerable is one of the most important characteristics a person needs for being a good partner.

 

Just accept we men have different things we find important in a life partner, then girls. And we experience and look different at a relationship and the love that is shared. Just try to understand us a little better, will make your life allot easier (same goes for us men in our attitude to women)

[diskostu]

Everyone is right and it's not like I didn't know that. I want to tell Matt and make good. It's just that I know his reaction is going to be bad. He's going to say 'how could I have gone for such a guy - Joe's a jerk who uses women. How can you be one of those women? I thought you were different' and on and on. I just don't have the right answers for all this.

 

No matter what you do know, it will end up bad. If you come clean now, after some time has passed, he will wonder what took you so long. Why did you feel the need to hide it from him.

 

You should have told him at the beginning. Now, you shouldn't really say anything at all. I can guarantee you that telling him will danger the relationship. You have betrayed his trust on something that he thinks is important. Women and betas can try to shift the blame all they want (he's insecure blabla!), but these are his values. Deal with them or move on.

[aed]

Who the hell is "Math????" Jeez, that was confusing.

 

Anyway, some of these guys here on LoveShack are so damned bitter, and uninformed. Take their bullsh*t with a grain of salt.

 

Truth is Jessie, most guys can't friggen HANDLE the type of information you've been witholding, regardless of the advice to tell Matt all about this Joe guy.

 

Go look at the Dating forum and the Cheating/Flirting/Jealousy forums here on LoveShack. Almost every single day there's at least one or two guys whining like little girls because they can't get over their girlfriends' sexual histories. I believe the term is "retroactive jealousy." It doesn't MATTER that it happened long before you even knew the guy. Doesn't matter.

 

All guys want to think they got you brand new and THEY were the ones to peel the plastic wrap off you. Some of them simply can't HANDLE that you had a sexual past.

 

And quite honestly, what you did in the past has nothing to do with your current relationship. Matt does NOT have to know every single THING about your past. He DOESN'T. Take it from an older gal who has lived to REGRET having 'shared' with guys and been 'honest' with them about my past - it comes back to bite you in the ass OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

 

Yeah, it might suck that the guy is part of your social circle, but just start keeping your distance and he'll start to fade way just like your sexual history - and stay in the past where it BELONGS.

 

why should it be a guys problem. I never ever asked a girl about her historie, and I was even a little shocked when, the first girl asked me.

 

It is not about insecurity it is about or morals, and things some guys are looking for in a life partner. When a guy knows uphand and he goes along with it and builds a relationship, then a person have every right to complain. But when you speak about fantasies and giving the guy the impression is just wrong

 

Try to see it this way: You are going to marry for the first time with the man of your dreams. You think it is also his first time. But secretly he has bin married to a girl in your social club, that you really hate.

 

Should that matter, or is it alright because the past is the past?

[NiceGuyDTW]

Ill add my 2 cents to the OP...this guy is not right for you. Period. He appears to be hung up on your past, you lied to him. If you hide it now, it will come back...karma....If you tell him, he will likely lose respect for you, and you'll never know where he stands with you. It's a lose/lose situation.

 

Advice...come clean now. See how he reacts. If he wants to end it, then you'll have to deal with it. If not, then you both need to have a long discussion about this issue and put EVERYTHING out on the table about how you feel...as mentioned professional counselling may be needed.

[tman666]

Who the hell is "Math????" Jeez, that was confusing.

 

Anyway, some of these guys here on LoveShack are so damned bitter, and uninformed. Take their bullsh*t with a grain of salt.

 

Truth is Jessie, most guys can't friggen HANDLE the type of information you've been witholding, regardless of the advice to tell Matt all about this Joe guy.

 

Go look at the Dating forum and the Cheating/Flirting/Jealousy forums here on LoveShack. Almost every single day there's at least one or two guys whining like little girls because they can't get over their girlfriends' sexual histories. I believe the term is "retroactive jealousy." It doesn't MATTER that it happened long before you even knew the guy. Doesn't matter.

 

All guys want to think they got you brand new and THEY were the ones to peel the plastic wrap off you. Some of them simply can't HANDLE that you had a sexual past.

 

And quite honestly, what you did in the past has nothing to do with your current relationship. Matt does NOT have to know every single THING about your past. He DOESN'T. Take it from an older gal who has lived to REGRET having 'shared' with guys and been 'honest' with them about my past - it comes back to bite you in the ass OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

 

Yeah, it might suck that the guy is part of your social circle, but just start keeping your distance and he'll start to fade way just like your sexual history - and stay in the past where it BELONGS.

 

Ehhh... I think this situation goes a little beyond your typical retroactive jealousy situation that you see on LS daily.

 

In this situation, the other guy is basically still in the picture, even if they're not actively ****ing, and she seems hesitant to want to overcome the hurdles of snipping "Joe" out. While it does sound like it'll be a tough thing to do (with the whole family friends thing involved), it's not impossible.

 

I think Quiet Storm sort of put the nail in the coffin by looking down the road. When there is a family (i.e. kids) involved, suddenly it's not just about you anymore. This sort of long term lie/secret could certainly break apart a marriage, and dropping that sort of bomb during the marriage, and even worse, post kids, would only compound the fallout.

 

Jessie, my advice to you is to grow a set and tell Matt before you get married, sooner rather than later. If your relationship with Joe is something you indeed regret, then explain why you regret it. Don't cave in and try to soften the blow with any more lies. You also need to commit to getting Joe out of the picture, even if it will be difficult for you. Basically, you ****ed up by carrying on a lie, and you compounded this by keeping Joe around. Think of Joe's continued presence as an exponential multiplier.

 

Basically, you need to realize that you're facade was never to protect Matt; it was to protect you and your own image. To be honest, it sort of sickens me that you think of him as too fragile to handle the truth, yet you're willing to let him promise to spend the rest of his life with you. By carrying on with the lies and keeping Joe around, you're basically manipulating Matt into marrying you.

 

If I were in Matt's shoes, I would be hurt, angry, and wary to replace my trust in you, but I would be much more willing to want to work past it if I felt that you were being 100% sincere and honest with your desire to be with me and only me. If you do tell him, hopefully he'll take into account that you respected him enough to come clean before marriage.

 

If he finds out later down the road, expect the fallout to be 1,000 times worse. Even if he never finds out, you'll be living in fear that he will, and you'll have to carry that burden. Ask yourself if this sounds like a healthy way to approach a marriage.

 

I'm sorry if I'm coming off harshly here, but consider that going through a moderate amount of pain now could save you (and him, and your future kids) massive amounts of pain later. Best of luck to you.

[salparadise]

I think you have do one of two things: 1) tell Matt about dating Joe, or 2) tell Matt that after thinking it over you are withdrawing the promise to tell him about past partners if you happen to bump into them.

 

The second may be easier but it could raise questions as to why you're withdrawing the promise when in fact you've already broken the promise. You could explain you agreed to it without thinking it through, and as far as you're concerned the past is ancient history and you don't ever want it to interfere with your relationship or cause Matt any grief. Then, if he ever finds out in the future you have at least mitigated the damage and it may not seem so much like a betrayal. Not perfect but better than nothing.

 

If you tell Matt about dating Joe you will have to deal with immediate fallout but you will begin the marriage with a clean slate. If you do tell him I would not go into any detail about the sexual part–– just say that you dated a few times, it didn't go anywhere, and you ended it. If Matt asks if you slept together just say, yes unfortunately and don't elaborate. Then reassure Matt and tell him that you'd prefer they not be to chummy with Joe because you aren't comfortable around him. Hopefully Matt will have the good sense to not go digging for details.

[aed]

I think you have do one of two things: 1) tell Matt about dating Joe, or 2) tell Matt that after thinking it over you are withdrawing the promise to tell him about past partners if you happen to bump into them.

 

The second may be easier but it could raise questions as to why you're withdrawing the promise when in fact you've already broken the promise. You could explain you agreed to it without thinking it through, and as far as you're concerned the past is ancient history and you don't ever want it to interfere with your relationship or cause Matt any grief. Then, if he ever finds out in the future you have at least mitigated the damage and it may not seem so much like a betrayal. Not perfect but better than nothing.

 

If you tell Matt about dating Joe you will have to deal with immediate fallout but you will begin the marriage with a clean slate. If you do tell him I would not go into any detail about the sexual part–– just say that you dated a few times, it didn't go anywhere, and you ended it. If Matt asks if you slept together just say, yes unfortunately and don't elaborate. Then reassure Matt and tell him that you'd prefer they not be to chummy with Joe because you aren't comfortable around him. Hopefully Matt will have the good sense to not go digging for details.

 

And still keep the lie alive?

 

But she lied when he asked about fantasies and she said she didn;t do that and he will think when they are going to do those things it will be especial and new to her as it his to him.

[tman666]

I think you have do one of two things: 1) tell Matt about dating Joe, or 2) tell Matt that after thinking it over you are withdrawing the promise to tell him about past partners if you happen to bump into them.

 

The second may be easier but it could raise questions as to why you're withdrawing the promise when in fact you've already broken the promise. You could explain you agreed to it without thinking it through, and as far as you're concerned the past is ancient history and you don't ever want it to interfere with your relationship or cause Matt any grief. Then, if he ever finds out in the future you have at least mitigated the damage and it may not seem so much like a betrayal. Not perfect but better than nothing.

 

If you tell Matt about dating Joe you will have to deal with immediate fallout but you will begin the marriage with a clean slate. If you do tell him I would not go into any detail about the sexual part–– just say that you dated a few times, it didn't go anywhere, and you ended it. If Matt asks if you slept together just say, yes unfortunately and don't elaborate. Then reassure Matt and tell him that you'd prefer they not be to chummy with Joe because you aren't comfortable around him. Hopefully Matt will have the good sense to not go digging for details.

 

And Jessie, FFS, please heed this advice. Even if Matt asks, pleads even, do not reveal any details about what you and Joe did sexually.

[tman666]

And still keep the lie alive?

 

But she lied when he asked about fantasies and she said she didn;t do that and he will think when they are going to do those things it will be especial and new to her as it his to him.

 

The line has to be drawn somewhere, and this is it. Revealing every bloody detail about the sex she had with Joe to Matt will only serve to prolong (or make impossible) the healing process.

[aed]

The line has to be drawn somewhere, and this is it. Revealing every bloody detail about the sex she had with Joe to Matt will only serve to prolong (or make impossible) the healing process.

 

Agree!

 

That would just be plane stupid and very weird if math would ask.

 

But the lying about the things she had done to look like a madonna. She should also be honest about that. Because when they are doing those things he will think it is alll new and equal as special to her as it is to him...

[Quiet Storm]

It's not about insecurity. It's about values, standards and expections. We all have the right to choose those things when we are deciding who we want to spend our life with.

 

BTW, most of us are insecure about something. It's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, your partner should help you work through insecurities, instead of lying to you, which will likely make them even MORE insecure.

 

Being married or in a long term relationship is about supporting each other, caring for each other, loving each other...not hiding the truth from each other. You guys saying not to tell are only thinking about how she can keep him. What about the long term effects of this little omission, on a marriage and possibly a family?

 

Matt told the OP what his values, standards and expectations are.

 

Instead of being honest so that Matt could make an informed decision about who he wants to spend his life with, she sanitized her history so that it would be more palatable to Matt.

 

They are engaged to be married, and she is misreprensenting herself.

 

That is just wrong.

 

We all should have standards, and they don't make us insecure. Some may not want to marry a felon, or even someone that has a misdemeanor. Some people don't want to marry someone that had addictions, or even someone that smokes an occasional blunt. Some people don't want to marry someone that already has kids. Does that make them insecure? No. It just means they know what they want in a partner. What is wrong with that?

 

Past sexual behavior is important to some people, and that is perfectly OK. I knew a woman who found out after marriage that her husband had a few random homosexual encounters, prior to meeting her. She does not discriminate against LGBT, and she is not insecure. But she felt defrauded, nonetheless. She felt that this was an important piece of info about her husband that she had a right to know, before marrying him. Now there are kids involved, and it's a huge mess.

 

If you are woman with a past that men with "standards & values" will have a problem with, then find a guy that will love you for it anyway. They are out there, there are some on this very forum.

 

What is wrong with being authentic?

 

If this were a business deal, this would be fraud at the most and misrepresentation at the least. But because it is "only" a marriage, it's OK to withold pertinant info from the person you claim to love and plan to spend your life with?

 

Poor Matt.

[aed]

@Quiet Storm

 

True.

 

This thread should not be about the guy's insecurity but about Op her own. Yet it shifted to the guys problem.

 

But their are million of things a guy can do is his past sexual that a women will think is very bad and she wont even marry the guy for that.

 

But it seems very difficult to understand that guys also have standards and morals, but then the guy is insecure.

 

great example about the gay sex!

[ThaWholigan]

To be honest, for some guys, it really is about insecurity rather than values - they just pretend it's "morals". Not to say that this is always the case, but sometimes I truly think that it is.

 

I do believe that the woman should own up and tell her man though - in his case, it's his values, and the OP's insecurity.

[salparadise]

But the lying about the things she had done to look like a madonna. She should also be honest about that. Because when they are doing those things he will think it is alll new and equal as special to her as it is to him...

 

aed, please notice that the fiance's name is Matt, not math. When you go on post after post calling him math it's just irritating!

 

This is a situation where a lot of discretion must be used because the goal is to move this white elephant out of the room without destroying Matt. If it has to be dismembered to get it through the door then so be it. Matt probably could not handle all the information, he doesn't need to know in order for the air to be cleared, and it would do only harm and no good. There is no implied obligation for anyone to confess every detail of their history, so that part can be left out. The strategy would to do the minimum amount of harm necessary in the short term to defuse a potential disaster in the future.

Edited March 8, 2013 by salparadise

[tman666]

aed, please notice that the fiance's name is Matt, not math. It's hard enough to take what you're saying seriously but when you go on post after post calling him math it's just f*cking irritating!

 

This is a situation where a lot of discretion must be used because the goal is to move this white elephant out of the room without destroying Matt. If it has to be dismembered to get it through the door then so be it. Matt probably could not handle all the information, he doesn't need to know in order for the air to be cleared, and it would do only harm and no good. There is no implied obligation for anyone to confess every detail of their history, so that part can be left out. The strategy would to do the minimum amount of harm necessary in the short term to defuse a potential disaster in the future.

 

Step 1) Joe needs to be gone yesterday.

 

If she comes across in any way through all of this that she's trying to protect Joe, or keep him in the circle, or whatever, then this plane is going straight into the goddamned mountain.

[Woggle]

To be honest, for some guys, it really is about insecurity rather than values - they just pretend it's "morals". Not to say that this is always the case, but sometimes I truly think that it is.

 

I do believe that the woman should own up and tell her man though - in his case, it's his values, and the OP's insecurity.

 

It might be insecurity but don't tell me that he has no good reason for it There are tons of affairs that happen because a woman goes too far with the jerk she used to carry a flame for. What some people see as insecurity is simply self protection. It is preventing heartbreak before it happens.

[ThaWholigan]

It might be insecurity but don't tell me that he has no good reason for it There are tons of affairs that happen because a woman goes too far with the jerk she used to carry a flame for. What some people see as insecurity is simply self protection. It is preventing heartbreak before it happens.

Oh I absolutely agree, but IMO, that insecurity is the very thing that can influence a woman to end up cheating. People don't really clock that side of things. Its better to work that out because being aware but secure regardless can make you more attractive in the long run.

 

Either way, I think Matt is in the right here.

[Quiet Storm]

To be honest, for some guys, it really is about insecurity rather than values - they just pretend it's "morals". Not to say that this is always the case, but sometimes I truly think that it is.

 

I do believe that the woman should own up and tell her man though - in his case, it's his values, and the OP's insecurity.

 

I know that some of it is insecurity. I just don't think it matters. Let's assume the reason is insecurity. Do you think that gives OP the right to keep that info from him?

 

From my perspective, it doesn't make one bit of difference if your standards are based on your upbringing, religion, ethnicity, the golden rule, paranoia or insecurity.

 

If your partners standards don't jive with yours, regardless of the reason, then you need to be honest about that, and not hide it. The goal in a relationship is to find a genuinely compatible person, not hide the things you think your partner won't like.

 

Take a woman that can't stand porn. It is likely that the reason she hates porn is because of insecurity. But she still has every right to hate it, and to choose a partner that doesn't watch it. Obviously, she will have a hard time finding one, but she still has a right to set that standard for herself, and for her relationships. Even if it is based in insecurity. Maybe her standards will evolve as she matures and becomes more secure in herself. Maybe not. Regardless, it's her path to walk.

 

It's not up to us to determine the validity of another person's standards, IMO.

[Woggle]

Would some women here be so understanding if they found out their man had went to prostitutes?

[aed]

aed, please notice that the fiance's name is Matt, not math. When you go on post after post calling him math it's just irritating!

 

This is a situation where a lot of discretion must be used because the goal is to move this white elephant out of the room without destroying Matt. If it has to be dismembered to get it through the door then so be it. Matt probably could not handle all the information, he doesn't need to know in order for the air to be cleared, and it would do only harm and no good. There is no implied obligation for anyone to confess every detail of their history, so that part can be left out. The strategy would to do the minimum amount of harm necessary in the short term to defuse a potential disaster in the future.

 

Who are you (or any other girl) to deside for a guy what is good for him, dont you think a guy can do that just fine himself?

 

I never said anything about giving every detail. But the hypocrissy in this cant of threads from women is: They talk about fantasies the guy ask something, they give the idea that they never done that and are open to experience something 'new'. They want theire good guy to think to are the perfect women and just this simple action shows any guy that they are not. People are not perfect, no healty or sane person would expect that from a girl. But lying is always wrong.

 

Allot of people have a problem when they don't knowabout a (sexual) relationship their OS had with someone they both know and hang out with.

Second OP wanted to date Joe serious, but that didn't work out because joe just wanted sex (if I remember correct).

 

Just a question and please be honest:

 

You are going to marry for the first time with the guy of your dreams. You think it is also his first time. But secretly you find out that he has bin married before. and he is making you feel that he also thinks it's special for him, because everything is new! How would it made you feel, when you find out that he has bin married before?