Lonely in marriage - not all her fault?

[u91746]

I thought I'd post this here as it seems like it might fit.

 

I have been married for 21 years and we have 2 wonderful children. I am in an excellent job with supervisory responsibility that pays well, is stable and is rewarding as far as the work itself goes. I am a very normal and gregarious person; only one cat, but she died earlier this year! All of that to say I should be happy...

 

...but I'm not. Lately, I have pinpointed my sadness on loneliness and not feeling connected socially in any way. I attribute this partially to my work - working shifts, in a supervisory role, I am heading a team but not really connected with those on the team - and partially on my marriage and family situation - my kids are entering or in adolescence now, and don't need me nearly as much, and my wife has always needed me for the things I do for her - cleaning house, making meals, fixing things, taking care of finances and the cars, etc., but not at all for emotional stuff. There is very little emotional connection with her at all. We are kind of friendly roommates, really; we haven't had regular sex in years.

 

Bottom line is I feel very alone. And sad. To the point of exploding my life - having an affair, changing my job, selling it all and living as a monk (kidding on the last one) all to feel that sense of belonging and connection I am missing.

 

For all those who are going to post "IC" or couple therapy, thanks, I'm working on that and can't get in for IC until next week, so I am looking here for feedback and to know whether this is something odd or more common, and suggestions about what to do about it.

 

Thanks

[dichotomy]

Yes "the friendly roommates" thing is a common feeling.

 

You mention two issues

 

1) Is the emotional isolation you have from wife

2) Is the emotional isolation you have in general life (social, kids, work).

 

 

The second one is easier to start to fix - because it is all you, and it does not necessarily require moving away or leaving your marriage. I imagine there are many groups or activities you could explore or needs in your community to serve.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am a very normal and gregarious person; only one cat, but she died earlier this year!

I'm a little confused as to the connection between normality and cat ownership ???

The second one is easier to start to fix - because it is all you, and it does not necessarily require moving away or leaving your marriage. I imagine there are many groups or activities you could explore or needs in your community to serve.

Couldn't agree more. Are you athletic? Sports are an easy way to engage the world around you and the team nature of many activities ensures connection. But then so does book clubs, charity work, etc. The only thing holding you back is you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stevie_23]

Hmm, this is SO common, especially after such a long marriage. The things your relationship and life have been built on are sort of complete. Kids grown and going their own way. Poor cat passed away. Job seems quite a senior level. You've accomplished a lot and now what? You're just...going along...day after day...the same as before...not distracted or focused on anything in particular and not with anything definite to aim for or look forward to. And this is fine for a lot of people, but some people really do need more. That deep emotional connection, to make them feel whole.

 

So I definitely recommend trying to broaden and enrich your life in general by connecting socially with others outside your marriage, like joining a group or a club, or taking up a new hobby, or rekindling your "romance" with an old forgotten hobby or passion of your's, meeting like-minded people, and just having a bit of fun and getting to know other people.

 

This will hopefully provide you SOMETHING of what you're missing right now in your life. Hopefully it may alleviate some of the overall loneliness.

 

I also recommend IC or couples counselling for you and your wife. The thing is, there's probably absolutely nothing "wrong" with you, her or your marriage - this is just how it goes a lot of the time. Friendly roommates, you know? It's that way for my partner and I (12 years, no kids, 2 cats, lol). But learn from me - I had an online affair with a married man for almost 2 years and now I'm an emotional wreck because he left me and because I now have to live with the guilt of cheating on someone I deeply love (but am not IN love with anymore, and have been "friendly roommates" with for several years).

 

Some people are fine to settle into the comfortable, familiar later years of relationships. Others just are not and can't be fully happy without hugely deep emotional (and maybe physical) intimacy. Bonding. Connection.

 

Do you WANT to re-kindle your feelings for your wife? Do you think SHE does? Is it even POSSIBLE to, with counselling? I find that no amount of counselling can always help this sort of thing - if "friendly roomates" are actually more like "brother & sister", well...it can be quite awkward, not wanted and verging on impossible to go from THAT back to in love.

 

Good luck.