Dealing with the abuse aspects of infidelity

[SidLyon]

This is something I've been thinking about for a while.

 

Most reputable sources state than infidelity is abusive behaviour by one spouse to another.

 

Personally I have no doubt that my fWH's conduct towards me during the A was abusive. Mainly psychologically and emotionally (eg the continuous gaslighting) but also physically in that he exposed me to STDs and had sex with me, while assuring me that he was being faithful, when he wasn't.

 

However I still don't quite understand how his OW was willing to "overlook", (if that's what she did), the abuse of me that she knew was happening during the A. I have seen OW on this board tell others that spousal abuse is never acceptable.

 

If you are or have been a BS my questions to you are do you consider your WS's infidelity to have been abusive? If you stayed/reconciled, how do you deal with the abusive aspects to the infidelity now? Do you pretend it didn't happen, write it off as an aberration, hope it won't happen again, address it in counseling or anything else?

 

If you are or have been an OW/OM (and want to respond) and are against all forms of spousal abuse, how do you rationalise participating/enabling your MM/MW in abusing their spouse? Do you feel you are a hypocrite? Or do you feel that it's acceptable because the BS has done wrong, or do you just ignore that aspect of your MP's personality or pretend it doesn't happen or do you define "abuse" to exclude the behaviours that go with infidelity? Anything else?

[SidLyon]

I tried to add to my original post but was too late:

 

I should probably ask similar questions of WSs. Do you consider some of your behaviour to have been abusive to your BS? If not, why not? Have you defined "abuse" in your mind to exclude whatever it is you are doing to your spouse (eg dishonesty, gaslighting etc) and, out of interest, do you pretend to your AP that you're not doing any of this?

[sweet_pea]

I am not doing anything to her, but I do feel pity, thinking, dang, that's messed up. I've seen her pictures. She was never beautiful to begin with in my opinion, but the most recent pictures do indicate a decline over the last few years. I find that indicative of something.

 

 

 

Nope.

 

1. You are doing something to her.

 

2. What does her outward beauty have to do with this? What does it indicate? Clearly her SO finds her beautiful, etc. do be with her (although it's terrible he's treating her so horribly).

[Bittersweetie]

I tried to add to my original post but was too late:

 

I should probably ask similar questions of WSs. Do you consider some of your behaviour to have been abusive to your BS? If not, why not? Have you defined "abuse" in your mind to exclude whatever it is you are doing to your spouse (eg dishonesty, gaslighting etc) and, out of interest, do you pretend to your AP that you're not doing any of this?

 

At the time, in the midst of things, I didn't see myself as abusive at all. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. He was far away.

 

Now, I see I was abusive. I lied by omission. He saw our relationship in one light but in reality it was in another. I robbed him of making choices based on the truth of his and my life. He made a huge decision based on what he thought was real but wasn't.

 

Those are the two main abuses I committed...lying and theft. In addition to the infidelity.

Edited March 8, 2013 by Bittersweetie

[beenburned]

Sid,

 

Good question!

 

I suffered much emotional abuse from H when he was cheating. This was NOT his normal behavior at all.

 

So when we eventually reconciled, I made sure he understood that his behavior toward me was totally unacceptable ever again.

 

As to his OW knowing how he treated me behind closed doors:

They didn't have any idea, nor did they care. They all were young and single and simply wanted to have sex with my H since they thought he was so HOT!(puke icon)

[2sure]

I didn't feel like my husband having sex with someone else was abusive.

I'm not sure many people do. Some spouses don't even care about that aspect very much, as made clear here.

 

Some of what got me through my XHs cheating was having been OW prior to meeting him. I knew the OW wasn't important to him, could be anyone, and was not a threat to our marriage.

 

The psychological abuse of gaslighting me when I asked him if he was cheating, if he wanted to divorce, if he needed help....and he kept crying, swearing , begging, promising that he wanted our marriage to work.

 

The person you trust and love telling you what you see, what you feel, is all wrong. That you are crazy, paranoid, and imagining things....over a period of time, the banging someone else is nothing compared to just wanting this person to say the god damn words.

 

It's abusive.

[SidLyon]

I am not doing anything to her, but I do feel pity, thinking, dang, that's messed up. I've seen her pictures. She was never beautiful to begin with in my opinion, but the most recent pictures do indicate a decline over the last few years. I find that indicative of something.

 

Nope.

 

Worst analogy ever. I'm in a relationship with one person. He's in relationship with two. End of story.

 

Well, I was just shocked when I saw her. I was expecting a beauty queen.

 

He said as much, but there was a smirk/glimmer in his eyes. Like, mocking. I feel bad for her.

 

...I don't care much, but have speculated what he might put her through to her face (not counting what she doesn't know or may suspect). I had a light bulb moment recalling being told she tiptoes around in the morning if he's sleeping. That is kinda crazy/sad.

 

Thank you for replying SweetiePie.

 

I guess from your response you are an OW who is against all forms of spousal abuse. You have not said that you don't think your MM is abusing his wife, but more that it isn't you doing it, so you don't care. You obviously don't feel it's hypocritical of you. Yet I still sense a slight feeling of unease in you in that you acknowledge that he is treating his wife very badly.

 

I guess this is what I never quite come to grips with when reading the many posts from OW here on LS saying essentially the same thing.

 

To me it's so obviously hypocritical of OWs to condemn abuse (for example by a BH who lashes out at his WW), but fail to recognise they are participating is a situation where their MM is abusing his own wife. Maybe a different kind of abuse but still just as destructive. Abuse is abuse.

 

To be honest I don't see the relevance of her not being beautiful. Did you mean to imply that somehow any abuse by him of her was more appropriate because she lacked beauty. If not, why did you mention her looks in a thread about abuse?

[SidLyon]

...

 

Not at all. Only that she may have an insecurity because he blatantly admires women, and that low self esteem may cause her to tolerate things no one should.

 

Ok now I understand why you mentioned it.

[2sure]

Alcohol is an addiction which sometimes leads to a spouse being beaten.

The beaten spouse often gets used to it and blames the alcohol. That's being a victim.

[sweet_pea]

I have to say that I really don't think it's up to the other person to say whether or not an affair is abusive to the betrayed spouse, especially in their situation. I mean come on, isn't there too much bias there to get an honest answer?

 

This is where hypocrisy comes in yet again...

 

the hypocrisy of being against abuse for all women ( and men too), yet enbaling the abuse of someone is just mind boggling, as are the mental gymnastics required for that to happen...

 

if it were any other situation where someone was treating their spouse that way it would probably have people up in arms, yet because it enables the affair to keep going, suddenly it's acceptable behavior, and given tacit approval?

 

I have spoken with several mental heath professionals, social workers, counselors et.al., who all agree that cheating is a form of abuse. It can be emotional abuse, an abuse of trust, financial abuse, verbal abuse or even physical abuse...

 

I really don't think that it for the other man/woman to decide if its abuse or not. It's also irrelevant how they may have felt as a betrayed spouse, as each situation is unique, and if one sposue feels that the behavior is abusive, then , to them, it's abusive, and they are enabling that.

( i would take the word of a trained mental health professional, social worker or counselor before I take the word of someone with a stake in the continuation of the abuse...often it's the abusive behavior that allows the affair to continue...once kindness, honesty, gentleness, being truthful, stopping verbal abuse, etc. goes full stop, the affair can not longer be hidden and quite often fizzles away..

 

I think that says it all!....

[stevie_23]

I absolutely never considered having an affair / cheating / infidelity as a form of abuse, and since reading this thread, and a few other posts in other threads touching on this subject, I see that it CAN be in some circumstances, though I don't see my actions in MY affair (which is now over) as being abusive to anyone.

 

1. There was obviously no physical abuse as (a) my ex-MM and I were long distance and never had sex, and even if we DID, (b) I haven't had sex with my partner for several years (way before I even met my ex-MM)

 

2. My behaviour towards my partner has not changed at all since before, during or now after the affair. If anything, there may even have been a POSITIVE slight change in my behaviour overall, as I was happier due to being with my ex-MM (well, happier most of the time). I remember for about 1-2 years before I met him, I tended to get a bit snappy, bit impatient with my partner at times because I was unhappy in my life and (though I didn't know it yet) was not feeling how I used to for her. I used to have to make an effort NOT to be that way sometimes and I felt bad about my behaviour (mostly we were good though). Once I became happier in general, due to my affair and how it made me feel, that behaviour towards my partner completely stopped and I was much more patient and in a way, I actually enjoyed my time spent with her (no less time than we used to spend since before the affair) MORE than I had previously. I guess I was able to compartmentalise quite easily. Time with him I loved and wanted. Time with her was enjoyable too.

 

I never avoided her so I could spend time with him. The 2 times (time with him and time with her) did not coincide due to my ex-MM's time zone (14-15 hours behind mine), so it was convenient and did not "get in the way" of my relationship with my partner on a surface level.

 

Obviously the emotional side is a different story. My normal, unchanged and happy behaviour towards my partner was NOT just keeping up appearances or having to make an effort to portray anything specific, it was just how we'd always been together. But of course, because I was in love with my ex-MM, most of my emotional energy was consumed with him.

 

I still didn't let anything in my real relationship slip though. As I said, I have NEVER treated her poorly, and my behaviour hasn't changed towards her at all because of the affair. I still enjoyed buying her presents for her birthday, still enjoyed spending time with her, still was affectionate with her, still laughed with her, watched TV together, went away on vacations together, visited her mother with her, visited my parents with her, etc. NOTHING changed. I just want to emphasise that.

 

I never had to directly lie to her either. Obviously I was still eaten up inside by what I was doing, after I fully realised it (which admittedly did take a while), and even though I never had to actually TELL her anything about what I was doing, I NEVER gaslighted her (GOD NO!), it still was lying by ommission and just generally deceiving, which is the ONLY "abuse" I can say I inflicted upon her. And again, she was not aware of it so I can't really grasp if it even WAS technically abuse or not. If it WAS abuse, then it still IS abuse currently going on because nothing has changed now either in how I treat her, in how I spend my time (still go online, but just not talking to him now) and the fact my mind is still regularly on HIM and not her.

 

Side note - I actually didn't quite understand what the term "gaslighting" meant until I googled it before to respond to this thread, and oh my god, it sounds TERRIBLE!!!!

 

In terms of my ex-MM abusing HIS wife? I don't know. He SEEMED to treat her well. It seemed to be the same as my situation. On the surface, he was there, did what he was meant to do, but underneath, emotionally, he was with me. She had a much harder time though, because she did find out four separate times. I find it somewhat abusive towards her that she kept finding out and he kept continuing on with me. So it kept her constantly wondering and worrying about whether he was still with me or not.

Edited March 8, 2013 by stevie_23

[Furious]

I remember sitting in my doctors office getting my blood taken and spread eagled getting a pap smear. I remember crying in that office having to explain why I was there.

 

I was afraid I might test positive for who knows what, I felt humiliated, ashamed and dirty.

 

I felt so violated, so scared and I would rather have been at the doctor for two broken legs than there because of who knows what I might have contracted.

 

It's abuse to be lied to, abusive to unknowingly and without my consent to share someone else's body fluids.

 

Then there were the weeks I had to wait for the results and it killed me the not knowing if I was ok.

 

Thank god everything was good, but I know many others were not as lucky as I was and my heart goes out to them.

[SidLyon]

Why look at it as abuse? It merely reinforces the perpetrator - victim setting which is so unhelpful and prevents healing.

 

My xSO was abusive, but his serial cheating I considered an addiction, not abuse.

 

Well, I don't think anyone is questioning that a woman who is being beaten is being abused, whether it be by an alcoholic or by a serial cheater.

 

You seem to be limiting "abuse" to physical abuse.

 

Do you accept that there are such things as emotional and psychological abuse but exclude infidelity behaviours (such as gaslighting and getting sex from the BW by deception) or do you accept these things as abusive behaviour?

[SidLyon]

...

 

As far as they physical/sexual risk, I am more obsessive about safety than anyone I know. They use condoms and I require him to complete regular testing with me. (The fact that I think this is a need for all smart people to do this was discussed thoroughly in another thread last week) I am completely exclusive with him. If she has an STD risk it isn't from me or from him.

....

 

Thanks for the response.

 

I'd just like to say something from my own experience, that I consider was abusive towards me.

 

I actually got a relatively minor STD that most likely came from his OW. I didn't recognise it as potentially a STD but when I eventually went to the doctor (after it had got quite unpleasant) she asked me if either I or my H was having sex with someone else. When I said "no", she indicated that the particular infection was one that could come from others (ie be sexually transmitted) or could arise from either poor hygiene on my part or a disturbance in my own immunity that allowed it to take hold.

 

Meanwhile the OW knew what she had, and got treatment for it. My H told me this after d-day - bear in mind he wasn't her only AP, although he didn't know that at the time.

 

On another occasion my H thought he had something and went to the doctor pronto without telling me (until after d-day). He told the OW and so she had the opportunity to get it treated if she noticed any symptoms. Meanwhile if it had been serious I had no chance at all to deal with it quickly. It turned out to be a particular male problem with no effect on women.

 

My H told her that we always used condoms too but it just wasn't true. I also used a diaphragm which does not give the same level of protection, but my H seemed to genuinely believe it did, and so as a form of short-hand to the OW (to avoid going into detail about our sex life) he told her we always used protection.

 

After d-day my doctor insisted on comprehensive STD testing for me - it was awful.

[Woggle]

I never really considered it abuse. Our marriage was abusive before I discovered her cheating. The cheating was what made me realize just how bad and toxic our relationship was. I should have left way before I caught her in bed with the OM because the other stuff clearly was abuse. Holding a knife to my throat and getting mad at me because I didn't find it funny is what I would call abuse.

[whichwayisup]

...I don't care much, but have speculated what he might put her through to her face (not counting what she doesn't know or may suspect). I had a light bulb moment recalling being told she tiptoes around in the morning if he's sleeping. That is kinda crazy/sad.

 

You believe every single word he says about his wife and marriage?

[SidLyon]

...

 

Side note - I actually didn't quite understand what the term "gaslighting" meant until I googled it before to respond to this thread, and oh my god, it sounds TERRIBLE!!!!

 

....

 

In a nutshell, the origin of the term "gaslighting" was from a movie of the same name where the abusive husband kept dimming the gaslights, while convincing his wife that they weren't, and that instead, she was going crazy.

 

In the context of infidelity, gaslighting is a husband (or wife) having an affair while trying to convince his wife (her husband) that he/she isn't. Any hints or clues as to what's really going on are re-framed in terms of an overly jealous/paranoid/controlling (etc) wife (or husband) in the sense that she/he has mental problems.

 

Assuming I have understood this correctly then lies of omission, ridiculous excuses about working late or whatever, the perennial "I don't remember", "none of your business", "we're just friends", "you're just jealous", "there's nothing going on" etc etc, and all the other horrible behaviours, constitute gaslighting.

[stevie_23]

In a nutshell, the origin of the term "gaslighting" was from a movie of the same name where the abusive husband kept dimming the gaslights, while convincing his wife that they weren't, and that instead, she was going crazy.

 

In the context of infidelity, gaslighting is a husband (or wife) having an affair while trying to convince his wife (her husband) that he/she isn't. Any hints or clues as to what's really going on are re-framed in terms of an overly jealous/paranoid/controlling (etc) wife (or husband) in the sense that she/he has mental problems.

 

Assuming I have understood this correctly then lies of omission, ridiculous excuses about working late or whatever, the perennial "I don't remember", "none of your business", "we're just friends", "you're just jealous", "there's nothing going on" etc etc, and all the other horrible behaviours, constitute gaslighting.

 

Yeah. I never did any of that. I didn't have to because there was never any suspicion of anything by my partner. If there HAD been, I'm not sure what I would have done...

[stevie_23]

How melodramatic. Why do people assume a lover #2 is some disease laden pariah? LOL!

 

Oh my goodness. I know you're a bit defensive sometimes by the number of people who insist you're not happy or that your MM treats you badly, etc, but...this response to Furious' traumatic and distressing personal experience is VERY insensitive and rude.

 

Nobody is saying any OW are disease ridden. But ANYONE can potentially have any sort of disease and if you assume, as a spouse or partner, that your partner is exclusively sleeping with you and they're not, you ARE potentially open to any number of risks / diseases. And a lot of those diseases need to ideally be treated early to avoid long term complications, and again, you're potentially at risk because you don't even know you've been exposed to anything.

 

Also, it's not JUST the physical fear Furious (and other BS) encountered, it was the embarrassment at having to admit to the doctor the situation she was in (though SHE had nothing to be embarrassed about) and the emotional violation and shock of finding out she'd been exposed...her personal life, her privacy, her health...all violated by the one person she thought she could trust most.

 

I have wondered for a while how much of your apparently cold and uncaring attitude around here has been caused by you having to shut off some of your deeper emotions because of your MM and how he behaves / treats you and his partner as well. From some of his remarks that you've mentioned here, you both seem to lack some empathy and normal human response.

Edited March 8, 2013 by stevie_23

[waterwoman]

Abuse? I guess that depends on how you define abuse. But as it's behaviour that directly leads to the BS feeling beaten down, confused, miserable, near suicidal (in my case as I am already clinically depressed) I think it could be defined as abuse.

 

Being short-tempered with me and with children.

Being hyper-critical.

Being non-communicative.

Sulking.

Then being flamboyantly extravagantly affectionate and sexually demanding for a short time.

Shouting.

Smacking our youngest son when he had never down that before.

Picking on eldest son to the point where eldest son refused to be in the same room as him.

Refusing to explain why he was like that and what might be wrong.

For months and months.

 

Abuse? Yes I think that constitues abuse of a sort.

 

To the extent that when I found out about the affair I was almost releived. Because I knew neither of us was going mad.

 

trinity - I agree with you about to a certain extent, but that is only a problem if neither the WS or the BS are prepared to work hard to fix things. But calling it abuse is simply calling a spade a spade. It's the truth.

[Furious]

Oh my goodness. I know you're a bit defensive sometimes by the number of people who insist you're not happy or that your MM treats you badly, etc, but...this response to Furious' traumatic and distressing personal experience is VERY insensitive and rude.

 

Nobody is saying any OW are disease ridden. But ANYONE can potentially have any sort of disease and if you assume, as a spouse or partner, that your partner is exclusively sleeping with you and they're not, you ARE potentially open to any number of risks / diseases. And a lot of those diseases need to ideally be treated early to avoid long term complications, and again, you're potentially at risk because you don't even know you've been exposed to anything.

 

Also, it's not JUST the physical fear Furious (and other BS) encountered, it was the embarrassment at having to admit to the doctor the situation she was in

(though SHE had nothing to be embarrassed about) and the emotional violation and shock of finding out she'd been exposed...her personal life, her privacy, her health...all violated by the one person she thought she could trust most.

 

I have wondered for a while how much of your apparently cold and uncaring attitude around here has been caused by you having to shut off some of your deeper emotions because of your MM and how he behaves / treats you and his partner as well. From some of his remarks that you've mentioned here, you both seem to lack some empathy and normal human response.

 

 

Thank you Stevie_23, for your sensitive and thoughtful post.

[cocorico]

I accept that some As may feature abuse, but I do not agree that *all* As are by definition abusive.

 

The only abuse in my A was from my H's xW toward him, over decades. Plenty of gas lighting, emotional and psychological abuse, and physical abuse - diagnosed and do I,enter by qualified professionals rather than laypeople on message boards, and independently witnessed by many others who have confirmed the frequency, severity and duration.

 

Nor was she exposed to any STDs - not only because I didn't have any (I take my health very seriously) but because they did not have sex - which I also have independently corroborated, not only from her but from other (professional) sources.

 

I don't consider it remotely hypocritical to refrain from publicising an otherwise out-in-the-open R to a known abuser.

[Spark1111]

Well, I was just shocked when I saw her. I was expecting a beauty queen.

 

 

 

He said as much, but there was a smirk/glimmer in his eyes. Like, mocking. I feel bad for her.

 

How SHALLOW.

[Spark1111]

Abused women become downtrodden in appearance by virtue of their reality.

 

 

So HE DOES abuse her emotionally? To the point her appearance has suffered? And you are okay with his mocking of her?

 

what a prize couple you two make.

[Spark1111]

I think this is a great thread, but I have to respond to this. Sweetie, it's very telling that you consider this woman to be so inferior, is somehow less than you. Must really chap your ass that you are secondary with regards to his affections. You must in his eyes be lacking or he'd certainly be with you full time and not just some piece on the side.

 

Oh yes, sweetie is so superior. It's important to her, her MM knows that and FEEDS it so they can both feel smug.