JoL Posted September 6, 2004 Share Posted September 6, 2004 I have a problem in my 1 year relationship which i was wondering if anyone could relate to/give advice on. My boyfriends extreme, raging jealousy/insecurity. If i look out the window of the car he thinks im staring at a guy, if his own friend dances next to me when we go out he thinks theres something going on, if he hears a guys voice in the background when on the phone to him when im at work or school he thinks that im lying and am actually at a guys place or meeting up with a guy and lying about it, he has acussed me of cheating on him so many times and been paranoid about that many different guys that i have lost count and cant even remember the REASON he was suspicious in the first place. I don't flirt, don't talk to guys i dont know when im out, dont socialise with guys that often, dont have close male friends, dont look at other guys...but yet he doesnt trust me and thinks any guy that talks to me is interested in me. i have never cheated on a boyfriend EVER and as far as i know he hasnt been cheated while in a serious relationship. his insecurity and jealousy is driving me insane! Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted September 6, 2004 Share Posted September 6, 2004 Everyone is entitled to trust and the respect that goes hand in hand with it. If you were doing things that gave him a legitimate cause for distrust, then I'd understand his position, but like you say, it's just total insecurity. He needs to understand the irony that you choose to be with HIM, and no one else, but because he disregards that, you might just choose to NOT be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoL Posted September 7, 2004 Author Share Posted September 7, 2004 I know, its so hard to explain to an irrational person in their moment of sheer insane anger that i havent DONE anything wrong..EVER! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 7, 2004 Share Posted September 7, 2004 This is one warning sign of controlling behaviour - and, often, abusive behaviour. If he doesn't wise up soon, run far and fast because it'll only get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
moongirl Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Run the other way as fast as you can. I've been in this situation. It was exactly like yours. Once we went to a restaurant and he accused me of looking at the waiter (I hadn't even noticed him). I told him I didn't but he kept harrassing me about it for TWO hours saying I was lying and that I was drooling over some waiter I didn't even see! He also broke into my e-mail accounts all the time, looked through my cell phone, asked around about me in chat channels, read my diary, opened my phone bills, even accused me of thinking of other people when we slept together! This kind of stuff happened ALL the time. Eventually, it got violent. He lost it one time over something that had happened between me and a guy four years before! He kept threatening to kill me and hitting me and asking me all these questions and saying if he even suspected I was lying to him he would knock me out! I was positive I was going to die. Once he drove me into the mountains and forced me to answer his questions. Take my word for it, girl, this is not going to get better. This is a kind of mental illness. Guys like this are psycho, they are controlling, suspicious, violent maniacs. And to top if off, they are not jealous because they love you so much. It's because they are untrustworthy themselves. I think it all comes from their own guilt, because THEY are the ones who lust after other girls and who think about other people, but they just make themselves feel less guilty by talking themselves into believing that YOU are the one doing it. Guys like this are nothing but slime. I hope you get out of this, fast. There are a LOT of nice guys out there. Don't waste your time on a loser like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoL Posted September 8, 2004 Author Share Posted September 8, 2004 I'm starting to think so too... Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Keep us posted on what you decide to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoL Posted September 9, 2004 Author Share Posted September 9, 2004 How did you eventually get away moongirl? I am almost at my wits end. Every question he asks me is so loaded, im sitting at home when he calls and he insists on knowing where i REALLY am..(!!!) i get the impression sometimes he WANTS me to cheat just so he feels like he is validated in his crazy thoughts about my fidelity. He has even said "just tell me, dont worry ill still be with you"...like he is trying every mindgame in the book to make me admit to something i HAVENT DONE! I HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Your boyfriend is a controlling jackass! I agree with the other poster that said he does this crap and accuses you because he is judging you on what HE is doing. He thinks that because he does it behind your back that means you do it too. Aaaaggghhhh! My boyfriend would do a lot of this crap too. Be the first to draw blood and hurl accusations out of the clear blue, and guess what? It was HIM all along who was lying, and cheating on me. Dump this guy, he isn't going to get any better with his physco behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoL Posted September 9, 2004 Author Share Posted September 9, 2004 how do you deal with a guy like this? do you just hang up the phone and tell him to get help? or do you sit there defending yourself till you're blue in the face and have no energy left? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Don't defend yourself anymore, because it won't matter. Ending a relationship like this isn't easy. Your boyfriend is obsessed with this so telling him to get some help isn't going to do anything but piss him off more and if I don't miss my mark, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him, it's all you. The only way you're going to have any peace of mind here is to make him stop. That means telling him and meaning it that you're not going to put up with this B.S anymore. That you're not going to continue to defend yourself against the ugly things he says to you or accuses you of doing. This also means that instead of hanging up on him (because as we both know he will only call back more pissed off that you hung up on him) that you DON'T take his calls to begin with. The hard part isn't in telling him you're not going to take this crap anymore, the hard part is meaning it and standing by it. Thoughts are with ya girl;) Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoL Posted September 9, 2004 Author Share Posted September 9, 2004 I have told him time and time again that he needs to trust me, and if he cant then i cant be with him..of course i get the token reassurance that he does... yes. right. sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 You know what to do, sweetheart. Like tikibrandy would say..."don't just stand there, bust a move." Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Like Papillion has said, you know what to do. I know it's so hard. Strange isn't it that even when you know someone isn't good for you, or good to you how it can still be hard to leave. I think it is because you want to believe that if you just love them enough, or prove to them somehow that you care for them and are being honest that eventually they will see the light and stop being an a&&hole. BUT eventually NEVER comes. AND this will wear you down..... you are already more than half way there girl. TELLING you he trust's you AFTER throwing out accusations grounded on NOTHING isn't trusting you, and it seems to me this isn't just about he feels he can't trust you as you haven't given him any reason not to, it seems to me, this is about controlling you and an excellent outlet for HIS own bad behaviour and choices. Life is to short girl Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 99.99% of the time........the person who is doing the hyper accusing is acting out of "GUILT" I stuck it out with my ex of 7 years who acted like this from day one. I wanted to stay in the relationship just to "prove" to him that I was a good woman and that I was worthy of his love. The only problem with that? He was a slime ball cheater and it took me 7 years to figure it out because I was always so busy answering to him and making sure that I wasn't doing anything to upset him so that he knew I was a "good girl". I will never seek another person approval ever again. Either you accept me for who and what I am or take a walk in the other direction! Most people are not cheaters. Even though you love him - he will NEVER change. He expects you to cheat on him it's almost as though a person like that wants you to cheat on them just so they were "right in the first place". He's a scumbag! Kick him to the curb! Bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 I agree 110% with Bubbles. This type of guy almost wants you to do something, conduct yourself in the same manner he does just so he can say he knew it all along, that he was right about you. It's sick really. I agree as well that when you're involved in a relationship you do get so caught up in proving to that person that you are worthy and a good person and you are so busy showing them and answering to them that it is easy to not even see what they are doing. Please think about this. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 It's not you that he mistrusts, it's how he is dealing with his own insecurities. Not sure how old you two are, but I would ask him to see a counselor about this, because it is going to make you leave him. Make sure he knows this. Link to post Share on other sites
JumpRun Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Run and never look back. This will eventually lead to abuse............he's in serious need of professional help. Link to post Share on other sites
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