confusedandhurt123 Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I know this sounds stupid and I know the automatic response is to dump his a**, but there's more to it than that.. I have been with him for 5 years and we were at one point engaged. Things started going downhill, but I have always always had the strongest love for him in my heart. We took a break in December, and I moved away for the month to figure things out. I know it wasn't fair to him to leave but I came back realizing I would do anything to be with him and have him back in my life. I wanted to try and work things out. When I came back things were fine, they were just different. I know he had seen other girls but he kept saying he just wanted to work things out with me. I invested so much into this relationship emotionally and financially and so when I hear him talking about being with other girls it hurts me. He keeps talking about how he wants another girlfriend. Not to break up with me, but to have 2 girlfriends. He says it wouldn't be cheating, he would give equal love to us both. He has this girl in mind too, some high schooler that he says is gorgeous (he's 21). I try to tell him that I love him so much and I don't want to share, but I know he will just start lying to me and cheating if I am too nagging and crazy about it. I am completely devoted to him. The love for him in my heart is immense. It drives me crazy. At times I want to completely cut my heart out because I know he's just going to hurt me but I love him and I have for 5 years. What can I do? I want to be okay with this situation and act cool to keep him.. maybe he will realize having two girlfriends isn't the best and come back to just being with me, i dont know..? Please someone help I need to get myself to be okay with this, I can't lose him. I've done so much and I am so incredibly in love with him it's crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 One day you will love yourself more than you love him. In order for that to get into your head, your going to have to experience a lot of pain before you truly understand though. Good luck, because you clearly don't want to listen the obvious answer, that you already acknowledged and discarded. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 He's too young for the committment you want. 21 yrs old? Okay well it will start with one "extra" gf and then when she is done with him (really, what girl would agree to be the +1 in this s.hit storm?!), it will be another. He will not be satisfied with one...it will be a string of "other girlfriends". I mean are you freaking serious, how do you expect this to work? He will go on dates with another girl and then come home to you? Or does he get to sleep over with her on his nights with her? I think you need some mega counseling, I can't even fathom considering this situation. You sound like you have no self-esteem, no self-respect. Your bf is a kid, basically. He has been tied down since his balls dropped--its natural to want to experience other things. My advice to you is to let him go, because honestly his foot is halfway out the door anyway, it's only a matter of time til this blows up in your face. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 btw, your entire post is about how much YOU give, how much YOU love him. what about the reverse? what does he do? how much does he love you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 In polyamory, the two partners can partner with others. Is he prepared for you to have multiple boyfriends? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) At least once a day I see a thread that makes me think "WTF!", but I never say it. I'm saying it now, "WTF!!!" Never compromise your needs and values to be with someone else. Do you want to wake up ten years from now still with him, knowing he's sleeping around? Will the other woman at the time share you're bed? Or do you want to be with someone who actually loves YOU and values YOU? Edited March 8, 2013 by ScienceGal 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 Its OK if you think its OK. And clearly you don't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
iKING Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 .... What? Unless you're into open relationships refer to the above. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coffeebean201 Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 Don't be intimidated by the fact the other girl is younger and very pretty. He likes you enough to spend so many years with you. But maybe he's going to go date her for a while, while phoning you constantly because he misses your friendship and companionship. If you get a cool and good looking boyfriend to replace him, then you will find out really how he feels about you. Link to post Share on other sites
sayyes19 Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 Don't be intimidated by the fact the other girl is younger and very pretty. He likes you enough to spend so many years with you. But maybe he's going to go date her for a while, while phoning you constantly because he misses your friendship and companionship. If you get a cool and good looking boyfriend to replace him, then you will find out really how he feels about you. I like this idea. If he is this brazen about getting a 2nd girlfriend there's no way he would be offended by you finding another boyfriend. Right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedandhurt123 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Share Posted March 8, 2013 I agree with you all, but please some of you have to understand it's not that easy to just move on.. I do have low self-esteem and being with him 5 years limited my social circle. It's horrible but I feel like I need him even if he's going to do this. How do I get over him? It's like I'm constantly thinking about him and I have so much love for him. I don't know I guess I'm just stupid. But yeah, haha. I said I should be able to date other men if I have to share him and he completely refused. I know I'm getting screwed over completely in this situation I just wish I could stop loving him and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Absewarrior Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 Why do I feel like someone just punked me? Link to post Share on other sites
sayyes19 Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 I agree with you all, but please some of you have to understand it's not that easy to just move on.. I do have low self-esteem and being with him 5 years limited my social circle. It's horrible but I feel like I need him even if he's going to do this. How do I get over him? It's like I'm constantly thinking about him and I have so much love for him. I don't know I guess I'm just stupid. But yeah, haha. I said I should be able to date other men if I have to share him and he completely refused. I know I'm getting screwed over completely in this situation I just wish I could stop loving him and move on. If you can't move on from him right now the best thing to do is to improve yourself in every way you can in the meantime. I promise you will look back and be glad you left him. Can you really picture the two of you sitting on a porch swing one day looking back fondly about when he had other girlfriends for a while and possibly gave you an std or two. This isn't the man for you. If/When you have a way out you should take it. Link to post Share on other sites
aed Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 Just answering the topic titel: No, ofcourse not! Unlesh you have both agreed on an open relationship or something like that. If not just break up! Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 At least once a day I see a thread that makes me think "WTF!", but I never say it. I'm saying it now, "WTF!!!" Never compromise your needs and values to be with someone else. Do you want to wake up ten years from now still with him, knowing he's sleeping around? Will the other woman at the time share you're bed? Or do you want to be with someone who actually loves YOU and values YOU? At least once a day I see that makes me a)Want to bang my head against the wall b) Shake my head in pity Sad 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted March 9, 2013 Share Posted March 9, 2013 (edited) I agree with you all, but please some of you have to understand it's not that easy to just move on.. I do have low self-esteem and being with him 5 years limited my social circle. It's horrible but I feel like I need him even if he's going to do this. How do I get over him? It's like I'm constantly thinking about him and I have so much love for him. I don't know I guess I'm just stupid. But yeah, haha. I said I should be able to date other men if I have to share him and he completely refused. I know I'm getting screwed over completely in this situation I just wish I could stop loving him and move on. Except for rare "mutual" break-ups, ALL break-ups suck big-time for one party or the other. It just works that way. You need to get this under your belt. If you think you have low self-esteem now, wait until he doesn't come home one night. Or any night. Wait until he leaves you alone on Valentines Day or spends his birthday with his other GF after all the work you did to make his day. You are setting yourself up to be gum on his shoe. If you set this precedent, he will never respect you. And you can't love someone you don't respect. You will go from low self-esteem to no self-esteem. He will know he can do anything and you'll stick around. He may even abuse you to entertain himself or his friends. Some couples have successful open relationships. But they are built upon mutual respect, admiration, and trust. They have boundaries that are acceptable to both parties. Both people have to be 100% ok with what's happening or it doesn't happen. This isn't the case here. You clearly don't want to share him. And if you do, you're eventually going to feel like crap. You need to bite the bullet. Break up with him and leave. Don't be his side piece or you will regret it. You deserve to be someone's first choice. Will it hurt in the short-term? Sure. They always do. But the more you distance yourself, the more you will detach from him. Detaching is exactly what you need to be focusing on. Look toward the future and build a new one for yourself. Choose your path and DON'T SETTLE! Chalk this up to your BF not being mature enough to handle a committed relationship and you having enough self-respect to accept only what you want and deserve and nothing less. You can do this. A million other break-ups have occurred before yours. It happens. Grieve the loss of your relationship if you must but realize that there's about 3 billion more men out there. You're young; you'll find a man that deserves you. This one deserves to lose you. Edited March 9, 2013 by BetrayedH Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 I agree with you all, but please some of you have to understand it's not that easy to just move on.. I do have low self-esteem and being with him 5 years limited my social circle. It's horrible but I feel like I need him even if he's going to do this. How do I get over him? It's like I'm constantly thinking about him and I have so much love for him. I don't know I guess I'm just stupid. But yeah, haha. I said I should be able to date other men if I have to share him and he completely refused. I know I'm getting screwed over completely in this situation I just wish I could stop loving him and move on. How do you get over him? First find some friends. Once you get the support you need from them, they will keep you away from him enough to break it off and find someone new. If you arent string enough to do it by yourself, get some friends to help you. Also, you should say ok to him for his girlfriend, but when hes with her, you see someone new on the side and see how it goes. You never know, you might find someone that makes you forget all about this guy and only wants to date you. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 "I do have low self-esteem" ok, so you have to build up a list of things you are good at, whatever you enjoy will be your calling...good with children...protective of animals...caring for the infirm...people like you who suffer easily can help other people, we're experts, just persue something nice, you'll meet nice people too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Richard Friedman Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 A woman will share a winner rather than have a loser to herself. Link to post Share on other sites
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