Same old story... any new perspectives?

[Quilly]

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here… a shoulder to cry on, a sympathetic ear, the answers to all my problems, or someone to knock some sense into me… but I have a ton of questions/issues bouncing around in my head with no one to share them with… and so here I am again. I’m sure most of you have heard this same story a hundred times, so I’ll try to just hit the highlights…

 

Two years ago I met a new coworker and we became instant friends. A year ago our friendship evolved into an affair (we were both married). We have an amazing relationship and sincerely love each other very much. I was unhappily married but was trying to stay in it for the kids (I just recently separated); He loves his wife like a sister (no kids). My MM is my best friend and biggest supporter. I’ve learned and grown so much emotionally because of him and our relationship. It seems like there is nothing we can’t talk about or work through together.

 

Unfortunately, my separation seems to have forced the issue of our future so MM has now decided that it is too difficult for us to continue to be physically intimate with each other (and it has been). He’s decided that he can never leave his wife (their relationship is okay, not bad -- just no sex and lacking in communication and emotional support). Yet he wants to continue to have me in his life… to still talk to every day, support each other, but just as friends. I always told myself that it would have to end someday (even though I couldn't stop hoping it wouldn't)... I just hadn't expected it so soon.

 

I truly believe that he has struggled with this decision and that I have to respect it, but a part of me still wants to whine and cry in hopes of getting him to change his mind. That irrational side of me is also angry that he he’s ending this at time that is very inconvenient for me as I need to deal with figuring out this separation, a husband that won’t let go, making sure the kids are adjusting, and starting four graduate classes which I’m already falling behind in after only one week because I can’t focus (note: I did preface this with "irrational side of me"). And I’m angry that he wants me there to fill the emotional void so that he can have a perfect life while I’m just left wanting more.

 

A part of me wants to hurt him by refusing to have any contact with him, but then I know that I’ll only be hurting myself as well. But I just don’t know that I can turn off my feelings for him and just be friends. I don’t know that I can talk to him everyday and not still want to be with him. And the icing on the cake is that my dream job is going to be posted at his work and now I don’t know that I can apply for it.

 

I wish that he would just act like an @$$hole or tell me what it is that is lacking in our relationship, or in me, so that I could get over him. Hearing that we have a wonderful relationship and that he loves me with all his heart but that he can never imagine his life without his wife in it doesn’t make sense to me. Why would anyone settle for an okay life if you could possibly have a great life?

 

I feel like such a cliché. I already know the typical dialog that should follow… I’ve been stupid and naïve… I just have to walk away… I should never have gotten involved in the first place… I’m wrong for thinking he should leave his wife for me... I need to get a life… etc., etc. Like I said, I'm not sure what I'm looking for here so feel free to be as harsh as necessary… maybe I just need a good wake up call.

[Kizzyfur]

their relationship is okay, not bad -- just no sex and lacking in communication and emotional support

Then why is he staying with her as husband and wife?? Do you know this to be true or are you just taking his word for it that this is how it is with her??

 

to still talk to every day, support each other, but just as friends. he wants me there to fill the emotional void so that he can have a perfect life while I’m just left wanting more.

He wants you to be there when he needs the support but isn't available to you when you need it? That's not even friendship.

 

A part of me wants to hurt him by refusing to have any contact with him, but then I know that I’ll only be hurting myself as well.

Actually you're wrong here. Refusing contact with him will eventually help you, not hurt you. It would probably be the best thing you could do for yourself. Especially since he's been straight up with you that he doesn't intend to ever leave his wife.

 

Why would anyone settle for an okay life if you could possibly have a great life?

EXACTLY!!! Quit giving him so much credit. Go out and find yourself someone who will treat you right. This guy feels nothing for you.

[rogueless]

I know you are hurting right now, but I think you should end all contact with him. He chose to stay with her. You deserve more than table scraps.

[brandx]

Ahh QUilly, thank you for posting. It is always better to examine someone else's challenges than continue to dredge over our own, so this is a welcome bunch of questions. It is even more so since you have been so kind and supportive for me, now I get to return the favor a bit I hope. And how right you are that our lives are on such similar paths at similar times; we are both faced with measuring our OW/OM at times when we did not expect to, and quite frankly, at times when we really need to be focusing on dissolving our marriages and protecting our kids, but what is life if not oen surprise after another. So one step at a time here:

 

 

I truly believe that he has struggled with this decision and that I have to respect it, but a part of me still wants to whine and cry in hopes of getting him to change his mind.

 

I hear you there. But we both know that pushes people away. And you have to respect yourself more than that.

 

That irrational side of me is also angry that he he’s ending this at time that is very inconvenient for me as I need to deal with figuring out this separation, a husband that won’t let go, making sure the kids are adjusting, and starting four graduate classes which I’m already falling behind in after only one week because I can’t focus (note: I did preface this with "irrational side of me"). And I’m angry that he wants me there to fill the emotional void so that he can have a perfect life while I’m just left wanting more.

 

I have felt this as well. Now, granted, my relationship with OW has not been nearly as long as yours in any way. I have only known her 4 weeks, so even though I feel such a deep connection, I know in my mind that I cannot allow myself to cling there and it helps me move past it. Quite frankly, though, it is BS that he wants you to remain there to fill his emotional void. Who is going to fill yours? Answer: Quilly. Not him. So you need to focus on you. Plain and simple. He is going to have to find his emotional support elsewhere. If you have some left over, then great, spread it wherever you choose, but I would recommend you choose another person. He is not going to reciprocate it in the way you need it.

 

A part of me wants to hurt him by refusing to have any contact with him, but then I know that I’ll only be hurting myself as well.

 

I agree with Kizzy here. You are not hurting yourself, you are making yourself stronger. It will hurt at first, but look deep; you know you are going to get hurt with him. Cut it now and give yourself time to heal. But don't lower yourself to do it in order to hurt him; do it to better yourself.

 

But I just don’t know that I can turn off my feelings for him and just be friends. I don’t know that I can talk to him everyday and not still want to be with him. And the icing on the cake is that my dream job is going to be posted at his work and now I don’t know that I can apply for it.

 

Ahh yes, the true questions. This is the one I have wresteled with. Luckily for me, I do not have the same investment of time and emotions that you do, so I can allow friendship if mine comes to that. You , on the other hand, have a very different situation. You will not be able to just be friends. Quite frankly, you should not want to be. If you do, he will be using you, and you will be hoping against hope that it is something else. I am not trying to question your strength, but given the events in your life, your energy will be better spent somewhere else than trying to fight your emotions while being his "friend"/emotional crutch. I hate to say this, but screw the job. It will not be your dream job if he is there.

 

I wish that he would just act like an @$$hole or tell me what it is that is lacking in our relationship, or in me, so that I could get over him. Hearing that we have a wonderful relationship and that he loves me with all his heart but that he can never imagine his life without his wife in it doesn’t make sense to me. Why would anyone settle for an okay life if you could possibly have a great life?

 

Quilly, he kind of is acting like an a**h***. He is not doing it in a mean way, but if he truly had you first in his heart, his actions would be otherwise. I cannot figure this guy out for the life of my, bye the way. You and I have both struggled in loveless marriages for years and hung on because of the kids. He has none of that. Don't give me that loves his wife like a sister stuff; I love my wife as the mother of my daughter and as a good person, but make no mistake, if it was not for our daughter, you would never have seen someone run so fast. So he has more emotions for her than he is telling you. Bottom line. I don't think anyone would live life the way we have without something else tying them in. And don't tell me he doesn't want to hurt his wife; he is hurting her infinitely more by having an affair than by leaving her. And you know I know this by what I have done. even if she doesn't know, it is wrong. So then what; money? Please, I would pay half of my salary for 10 years to get out of this if that is all it is. I can make more money; what I cannot make is more time. I want to LIVE, not wither and die. So that is all BS as far as I am concerned, or priorities being in the wrong places.

 

Look at this a step further; do you really want him to leave her for you? Shouldn't he be leaving her because he is unhappy? That is why you leave a marriage; you and I both know that. Leaving for another person is naive and probably stupid. Other people can change; hell they can be different and you just don't know it yet, as we ahve seen. Other people leave, die, cheat, whatever. He needs to leave for him. If he can do that, then he is strong enough to forge a relationship with you that you should want a part of. If not, forget him.

 

I know it is easier for me to say this being on the outside, but look at all you are going through to try to live a real life, one that is good for your heart and spirit; I know because I am doing the same thing. If he cannot do that, he willnever be able to give you what you need. He won't be able to respect you and really, he will not have earned your respect.

 

If a wake up call is what you are looking for, then maybe you caught me at the right hour because I am feeling stronger with every key stroke. You are sacrificing everything you know to be comfortable under a lot of stress and pressure from your Husband, and a lot of guit for the children. This guy can't do that because of why? His wife/"sister". Damn it, Quilly, go look out a window. Go to a mall, bar, church, store, whatever. How many millions of people are there outside? Surely ONE of them will be better for you than this? Surely one of them will be able to compelemnt you better than your husband or this guy. And now, you are wiser. You know what NOT to do in getting into a relationship; you have the benefit of hindsight. Please use it. For your own sake.

 

One step at a time. That's all it is. That is how you will have to live for the forseeable future. You can be strong that way. Do not let the emotions you have tied up in this guy drag you down. And do not let him suck any more energy from you. A relationship is a 2 way street. Time to take a different route.

 

I hope that helps. Let me know if you need anything at all; I am here for you to vent or whatever I can be, as we all are.

 

Take Care

 

Brand X

[Quilly]

Brand X,

 

I'm glad to have been able to temporarily divert you from your challenges, but I sure hope this is the last time... I can't take on any more problems right now.

 

So thanks for your reply. I sit here nodding my head to everything you said. I know I should get out of the relationship, but I really do love and respect him a great deal. I didn't leave my marriage because of him, but if it hadn't been for him I don't know that I would have been emotionally capable of leaving it. Perhaps my post didn't give him enough credit... afterall, he is the one that is trying to end this relationship on friendly terms. He's the one that has acknowledged that our relationship has become too difficult for both of us. He made the decision to stay with his wife and I'm the one that's having a difficult time accepting it. Did I not just a few short weeks ago complain about my husband not accepting that I didn't love him anymore. How hypocritcal am I?!?!

 

I know I can't ask him to leave his wife for me... I had hoped he would have come to that conclusion on his own. He says that if he followed his heart he would be with me, but that he has to listen to both his heart and his mind and therefore has to stay with his wife. I asked him long ago why he would stayed in the relationship when he wasn't getting everything he wanted/needed from it... he said that he's learned not to want more than he already has. I'm sorry, but that doesn't make sense to me. However, fact is, he's made his decision so there's really nothing more to be said or done. If I really care about him then I should accept this instead of hurting him more by continuing to question it.

 

I just can't imagine not having him in my life and I don't know how I'm going to get through this separation and divorce without his support. Which is why I keep flip-flopping about whether or not to end all contact with him. Yes, I would be filling his emotional void, but I'd be getting the continued emotional support I need. Okay... even I can see through that line of crap. Who am I trying to kid here... I don't want to lose him and I'm probably just trying to keep the hope alive that he'll chose me by dragging this out and giving him whatever he wants.

 

Dammit, I hate this! I know what I need to do, I just don't want to do it. I'd like to say that if I had it to do all over again that I wouldn't, but that's so not the truth. In fact, I would do it all over again right now... even knowing that this is where we would end up. It was the most amazing, insightful, growing experience of my life. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Damn him for not valuing that as much I do!

 

As you can probably tell, I'm not quite ready to let go yet and I'll probably be whining about it for another couple of days. I do so appreciate your advice as your posts have always impressed me. I'll come around soon and get through this just like I'll get through everything else. However, in the meantime, I have a 500 word essay to write on something to do with economics... like that's really important right now. Anyways, thanks again!

 

P.S. Where are you at in your marriage? Separated? Filing? How's it going?

[brandx]

Quilly,

 

I hope this is the last time too. While I appreciate the diversion, I would rather it not come at your expense.

 

I think you have given him enough credit, but I wonder if you give yourself enough. Don't beat yourself up. What's done is done. Focus on today. That will get you through. I know I have not really said anything that you don't already know in your heart; my job here is to help confirm some of those things.

 

I am not sure where he is coming from for the heart and mind thing. I can understand not wanting to think the grass is greener, but if he knows he is not happy, then in my mind, he should leave regardless of you. Don't get me wrong, that is not a criticsim of your worth, just the logical conclusion: if you are unhappy, then get happy, either by improving your marriage or leaving. For you and I, we know if is by leaving. For him, if it is by staying, then don't tell me your heart wants someone else. That is not raelly accurate as far as I am concerned. I don't want to judge him though. I have not walked in his shoes.

 

I suppose you are right, that if you care about him, you should accept it. More importantly, though, if you care about YOU (and you should), then you need to accept it and move on.

 

You will get through this without his support. We are here to support you. You will either have or find other friends and family to support you. Don't let yourself flip flop on that; just lean harder on other resources. And don't put the cart in front of the horse. What is the worst that can happen? You have NC with him. You have to find other resources to lean on including LS'ers, family, friends, co workers, whatever. People are out there for you, you just have to keep looking. I know it is hard not to waver. I struggle every day, not because I think I want to be married, but because of the heartache I am causing in others and the disruption it will cause for my daughter. But I know I will be a better father on the other side of this. And I will be a better husband, SO, or just plain old single human on the other side, because I will be being honest and truthful. You will also be in that same boat.

 

Glad you could see through your own line of crap, bye the way. I would have had to call you out otherwise.

 

Never feel bad for your past; without your past you could not be the wonderful person you are today. Mistakes allow us to grow. Yes, they hurt, but no one is going to shoot you or jail you for what you have done. Learn from them and be stronger. And do not get caught up being too upset about what he does or does not feel. That truly reflects that he is not right for what you need. Again, that does not mean he is a bad person, just not the right person for you.

 

Don't worry about feeling this way; you have a lot to process and will be going through quite a grieving process for both him and your marriage. I will always be here for you if I can help it. Just take one step at a time. You are always welcome. Have fun with the essay. Can you write "economics suck" 250 times; that should get you there.

 

My marriage is at an interesting point. When I told her it was time, she then agreed to counseling. We have our first session tonight, but I am hoping to utilize it to help her understand why it is over; I have nothing left for this marriage. I am filing by the end of the month if I cannot help her feel better about what we are going through. I am not sure how we will seperate; I have a feeling I may stay in the house in a different bedroom for a while (which is what i am trying to do now anyways), but if she gets too upset to have me there once I take the final step and our daughter gets caught in the crossfire, I will leave sooner. Thank you for asking. I'll try to keep you posted.

 

Take Care,

 

Brand X

[Quilly]

Brand X,

 

Just a word of warning... be careful with the counseling. I had also suggested counseling in hopes of getting my husband to understand that we shouldn't be together. Unfortunately the therapist's assumed we were there to work on our marriage. Obviously these are two very different things. So, by the end of the first session the the therapist advised us that I was depressed and needed to take Prozac (which I still to this day disagree with... yes, I'm sad about the failure of our marriage and living in limbo for 10 months had taken its toll on me but that is all situational). Anyways, my husband took this as fabulous news as it confirmed what he'd been saying all along -- that I just needed to take a pill to fix me so that I would want to have sex with him again. And now, my refusal to take the medication is just one more example of why I haven't tried hard enough to make this work. So... I don't have any good advice to give you... just something to keep in mind. Hopefully you'll have a better therapist we did. Good luck and thanks again for the support!!!

[brandx]

Quilly,

 

An extremely interesting point you make, especially in light of our session last night. The guy was pretty good, but I could see him to some extent undermining me in certain ways because of the exact thing you say -- my wife and I are there for different reasons. I think I got enough things out, though, that i can steer this down the correct path; and he clearly recognized things in my wife that show parts of her issues. Anyways, I had already determined next week that I would be very blunt about having checked out of this marriage and seeing if there were any reason for me to check back in, so to speak, or try to help my wife transition. I can tell you this, my wife saw EXACTLY where I was coming from for the first time ever I think. I am not sure if this guy will help us, but I think the experience will help the transition. Thanks for the heads up, though. I know my wife would love for this guy to tell me I am depressed and a pill will fix it; that is basically why she was willing to go. I am sorry you had to deal with that. Be strong; you are doing the right thing by leaving.

 

Best

Brand X

[Quilly]

So many problems, so little time...

 

#1: My husband is continuing to pressure and guilt me in to moving back home. Statements like "I'm tired of doing this" and "the kids are tired of being bounced around all the time" (which neither has indicated any real problems to me with the living arrangements other than occassionally wanting a toy/game that is at the other location). So I guess this whole separation has been a big flop. In was never about me needing time to figure out what I wanted, I had just hoped it would give him time to adjust before I actually filed for divorce. It seems like no matter how much time I give him to adjust and accept the situation, he never uses it for that purpose. The time is just spent making me feel guilty about my choices. It's a no win situation. I look back on it now and wonder if it wouldn't have been easier on both of us to just have dropped the bombshell on him and ran. But fact is, it's still a lose end and I have to deal with it... soon.

 

#2: In the meantime, I haven't yet cut off contact with MM. We get so little time to talk that we're never able to process through everything. I know it sounds crazy but we're going to try to figure out how we should proceed together. And it's so easy to fall back into our relationship by talking about my kids or school or his work... that sometimes it doesn't even feel like anything is ending. Have I come to terms with it or am I just really good at pretending he didn't make the choice to stay with his wife even though he loves me? Or worse yet, am I just hoping that by keeping him on the line long enough that he might change his mind? Oh boy... that's probably not good. But right now I feel like I'm only capable of handling one problem at a time and while the MM seemed to be the most pressing issue for me over the weekend, now it would seem that the husband wants the top spot. Yuck!

 

So anyways... this was helpful for me (even if it's getting boring or tedius for everyone else). Thanks for listening!!

[brandx]

Many problems, but each one at its own time. You'll get through this. Know that. I promise you will.

 

1. Time to end it. You know it. I am not going to either bother with a seperation for my part; why do that just to ease them into it. And don't buy all the excuses/guilt he is laying on you. I am dealing with that now and have not even gotten to the declaration point. Stick to your guns. Focus on you and your kids. He is a big boy and has to take care of himself. It sounds cold, but you have to focus on the things you can contol and help. So set a date. And stick to it. And tell us the date, so you feel a sense of accountanility, knowing we will be on your @$$ to follow through on your commitment.

 

2. Again, time to end it. You are holding in there for the wrong reasons. I am not trying to be cold, just help you keep this in perspective. You CAN do this. Set a date here too if you need to.

 

Always glad to see your posts. It is not getting tedious to me, at least. If you need to, you can always pm me.

 

Be Strong!

 

Brand X

[Tracy]

Q--man, your story sounds like you tore pages from MY book!!! I've been divorced three yrs in October. After yrs of an emotionless marriage, I had an affair with a man from work. At the time I didn't think I could have left without our affair, and I credited him for so many things. He was married also and left his W before I left my H. I see now that, with him in the picture, I left under false pretenses. This was true even though my marriage was in a bad state before we met, mostly to the fault of my H. However, leaving while being involved with OM caused so many problems.

 

I went back and forth, and back and forth, between OM and my H for over two years. Mostly because guilt my H put on me,,,,,saying I never really tried, I wouldn't have left if it wasn't for OM, kids being bounced around, on and on. In January I reached my limit. My H asked for one last attempt. I was still seeing/talking to OM, but I said ok because I thought I was going crazy.

 

I'm not sure how things are going to work out with me and my H (ex). I think things will be better whether we get remarried or not. I do know that I didn't think I could live without OM. I haven't had any contact with him since January. I still miss him, I miss the passion. But, I am finally beginning to see him, us, in a different light. It was the hardest thing I've ever done...to tell him goodbye and give my marriage another try. Even though your situation is different, I def feel your pain....not being able to be with him.

 

#1 - you shouldn't settle for less (what MM expects from you right now). He wants to stay with his W and you remain there for him.....you really will be better off if you could tell him no.

 

#2 - I think you would be better off without MM while you work through the separation/divorce with your H. This is true, even if MM was willing to be with you. I had to learn this the hard way. I wish I would have taken a break from my OM and dealt with the situation with my H without OM in the picture. I knew even then that's what I should have done....I was just SO AFRAID of losing OM. Now, look where I am. Have lost OM for good, and still trying to reconcile marriage/friendship/whatever with my H. Especially if you are experiencing guilt from leaving your H.....try to break from MM while you two work through your current relationships.

[Mr Spock]

I know I can't ask him to leave his wife for me... I had hoped he would have come to that conclusion on his own.

 

No. Men are cattle, and need to be prodded. If you wanted him to leave his wife, you should have put that out in plain sight and saved yourself a heck of a lot of trouble now.

 

 

 

 

I just can't imagine not having him in my life and I don't know how I'm going to get through this separation and divorce without his support.

 

If you can't live without him, you probably can't live with him!! You're at a VERY vulnerable time in your life, and this man may seem like the greatest thing since sliced bread, but remember, there is some other woman who won't have sex with him either. Do you see the paralell in your situation with your husband and his wife's with him?

People get divorced every day without a tidbit in the wings. You WILL get over this, you WILL get through this, and you'll be stronger for it.

 

 

 

#1: My husband is continuing to pressure and guilt me in to moving back home. Statements like "I'm tired of doing this" and "the kids are tired of being bounced around all the time" (which neither has indicated any real problems to me with the living arrangements other than occassionally wanting a toy/game that is at the other location). So I guess this whole separation has been a big flop. In was never about me needing time to figure out what I wanted, I had just hoped it would give him time to adjust before I actually filed for divorce. It seems like no matter how much time I give him to adjust and accept the situation, he never uses it for that purpose. The time is just spent making me feel guilty about my choices. It's a no win situation. I look back on it now and wonder if it wouldn't have been easier on both of us to just have dropped the bombshell on him and ran. But fact is, it's still a lose end and I have to deal with it... soon.

 

There comes a point in time Quilly when you need to stop thinking about other people's feelings and just cocentrate on you. Before you really do need therapy. Ok? If you are certain you want a divorce, get one, and stop the wishy washy stuff....it will be less confusing for everyone involved.

 

 

 

 

 

2: In the meantime, I haven't yet cut off contact with MM. We get so little time to talk that we're never able to process through everything. I know it sounds crazy but we're going to try to figure out how we should proceed together. And it's so easy to fall back into our relationship by talking about my kids or school or his work... that sometimes it doesn't even feel like anything is ending. Have I come to terms with it or am I just really good at pretending he didn't make the choice to stay with his wife even though he loves me? Or worse yet, am I just hoping that by keeping him on the line long enough that he might change his mind? Oh boy... that's probably not good. But right now I feel like I'm only capable of handling one problem at a time and while the MM seemed to be the most pressing issue for me over the weekend, now it would seem that the husband wants the top spot. Yuck!

 

Quilly, he chose someone else. He didn't choose you, didn't appreciate you, and gave up love to go back to a marriage he wasn't comitted to, a wife he is distant from. For what? This means he does NOT get to enjoy your personality, your body, your company. It is, in a sense, his punishment for making the wrong choice. Do not allow him to use you as a free psychologist. You are not his therapy service.

[brandx]

not that you need anyone's approval, but excellent post spock. She is right on every count Quilly.

[Quilly]

I know... I'm a such a wimp! And I'm glad that all of you are where ever it is you are so that you can't choke me when I tell you that I'm going to see the MM for a short time tonight before my evening class. I can't help it! A part of me wants to hold on to him... and why not? I've got at least 6-9 months before I'm going to be officially available to even start dating. So why can't I spend that time with him? It seems perfectly plausible to me. However, he doesn't seem to be as willing to go along with this. So if he insists on shifting gears and just being friends then I don't see any other way to get over him than to stop all contact. I know I'm not seeing the situation for what it is... and I know that everything you're telling me to do makes sense. I suspect ireality will come crashing down on me soon enough... until then I'm going to do what I do best... stomp my foot and whine about it some more! Sorry guys... I'm still a lost cause when it comes to the MM.

 

The husband issue is going to have to wait as I have to get some school work done. And guess what! I have a new problem now... addiction to this forum!

[Tracy]

It IS hard, isn't it. I honestly cannot remember the number of times I said I would not run back to OM. Even though my H and I were divorced, I knew it would only cause more problems. Still, I couldn't help myself. I guess I am lucky that I don't have a choice now. OM moved many states away and he is done with my uncertainties. And, guess what, other than missing him like crazy, things really have been better.

 

Too bad you aren't forced somehow to stay away from him, because you WOULD BE MUCH BETTER OFF. At least try to keep things in perspective and be prepared for a heartbreak. Oh, and, enjoy your time with him tonight. I know I would love to feel OM's arms around me.....

[Tracy]

And guess what! I have a new problem now... addiction to this forum!

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!!! As if things weren't bad enough, now I have to deal with this obsession

[Quilly]

Oh, and, enjoy your time with him tonight. I know I would love to feel OM's arms around me.....

 

Unfortunately I don't know that this will be the case... I talked to him a little bit ago and asked what the rules were going to be when we see each other tonight (since he is the one that is cutting off the physical intimacy). He only mentioned holding hands. I told him I could refrain from ripping his clothes off but that I knew I would want to touch him and kiss him (we rarely saw each other in person and so when the opportunity ever arose it almost always involved the quick removal of clothes). It's so strange... other than knowing I can't physically be with him, this feels like exactly the same relationship as before. I can't begin to comprehend how he could possibly expect me to continue to talk to him and not continue to love and want him! Why me! Why did I have to end up in an affair with a MM that has too many morals and ethics to continue having sex with me?!? Geesh!

[Tracy]

He really doesn't have too many morals and ethics (don't take that wrong). If he did, he wouldn't have any contact with you at all. First thing you should do is quit fantasizing about what a terrific person he has been. He's not doing his wife any favors by not having sex with you while he leaves her to be with you tonight.

 

And, in my experience, there is NO way that OM and I could have met without it turning physical. There's just too much energy in a situation like that.

[sami]

you need a road map for yourself. You must plan it really well in your head and go for it. Without it you will spend the rest of your life wandering what to do next.

[Quilly]

So I saw MM last night... only for about 40 minutes. And as expected it was both wonderful and painful. He seems definite on ending the initimate part of our relationship, which I know makes sense so I guess I'm lucky he has more will power than I have. It would be easier to accept all of this if he would simply say that he doesn't love me enough. But instead he says that he loves me so much that if we continue to be together that his heart would win out over his mind (which is telling him to stay with his wife) and that would be too difficult for him. I guess I would have to agree... since someone has to be hurt by all this it should be me since I am the one that entered into the relationship knowing he was married -- not his wife. So with that said I realize that I have to accept that this relationship is going to have to just be about friendship and for some reason I feel like I can handle that this morning. Maybe I'm just doing a really good job of fooling myself but after talking with him this morning (just light, casual conversation) I'm not feeling like I have to cut off all contact with him. I'll see how I feel over the next few days and the weekend.

 

Now, for the crazy part... because my situation (being in love with someone that I can no longer have and wanting so badly for that person to change their mind) so mirrors what my husband has been going through as a result of my separating.... that I've become sympathetic towards him. It's actually crossed my mind a few times that maybe I should give it another try. I don't know if this is just because I feel like if I can't be with MM, then I don't want to be with anyone and therefore why not at least give my husband what he wants and my children a normal family life or what. This is crazy right? There was a time when I was certain that I didn't want to be with my husband, irregardless of MM. Is it because my heart is feeling broken that I don't care about my future happiness right now? Or did I really fool myself all along into believing that MM wasn't the reason I left my marriage? Maybe I'm just having a lapse in memory.... I'll go back and read some of my earlier posts. I'm not seriously considering doing anything drastic at this time, but the fact that is has crossed my mind has me a bit worried.

 

Putting down my thoughts and feelings is always so helpful.... Thanks again for listening!

[Tracy]

I feel like if I can't be with MM, then I don't want to be with anyone and therefore why not at least give my husband what he wants and my children a normal family life or what.

I have felt this many times. I know it won't work, but I'm in it anyway, hoping a miracle will happen and I'll recover intimacy towards my H. It may not be the "right" thing to do by some standards, but I really feel it is what I needed to do at the time. Regardless of whether or not we stay together....we WILL get along better. My H will know I really tried (and I will be able to let go of the guilt). To be honest though, it may really work out between us. There are times when I really believe that. So, I don't think that's so crazy. Depends on your situation.

 

Either way, you and MM are wrong for continuing contact with each other. He is wrong because he has decided to stay with his W. Once he made that decision, his next decision should have been to discontinue ALL contact with you, even just friendship.

 

Especially since you're having doubts about your H, even if you think they're spurred by things ending with MM....be very cautious with your actions. Don't do anything drastic with H or MM (if you get the chance). Try your best to be certain if you leave your H. This has been my biggest downfall. Doubt would creep in and I would just react! Over and over. Caused ALL kinds of problems.

[sami]

It sounds like you started to think in the right direction. Now you are at the beginning of your " road map". Stay on your right direction and speed it up little by little. good Luck.

[brandx]

Quilly,

 

So much happening. I know exactly how you feel. As things have gotten rocky with my OW, I started to question the same things. A few things that helped me as an internal compass, I will share with you. Maybe they will help, maybe not.

 

No matter what, I have felt all along that if my daughter were not an issue (did ot exist or my wife would let me have her, period) it would be done in a second. That has nothing to do with OW.

 

The only feelings of doubt I have felt have been because of fear of finding someone else or because of guilt, never that I loved my wife or that I was doing the wrong thing.

 

THose are the main two. I hope they help you. If I think of anything else, I will post it.

 

Take Care and know we are here for you.

 

Brand X

[Quilly]

I know it won't work, but I'm in it anyway, hoping a miracle will happen and I'll recover intimacy towards my H.

 

Unfortunately I think even if a miracle were to happen and I could get the old feelings back for my husband, I know it wouldn't be enough now. I was able to communicate with the MM and express and explore my feelings in a way that my husband would never understand. I need more now. I hope someday soon you are able to find certainty in whatever decision you come to.

 

BrandX, you're as steady as always... I envy your certainty. Though I guess at times I've been certain too. I do know one thing... I haven't missed my husband even once in the nearly four weeks we've been separated. There's just so much going on in my life right now it doesn't seem like a good time to be deciding anything. I look back on the last year and it's been filled with so much turmoil... so many major changes. It was probably the best and the worst year of my life.

 

I still want to cry about MM and figure out what I can do to get him back, but then I realize I'm stronger than that. I hear myself saying in my mind "I can't live without him" but that's not true. I will live without him... I have to. I won't be happy about it and it will hurt for a long time, but I will live through this... just as my husband will live through our divorce. It's just so difficult to grieve for the loss of something when no one around you knows it existed. I'll never be able to look back on those memories and share them with anyone.

 

Well, I think that's about as bipolar as I can be for one day! Goodnight all.

[9Lives]

Wow that was really alot of stuff. I can relate. People have given you very good advice. From what you are saying, though he has been nice and loving towards you, he is only willing to give you but so much of himself. He is greedy and selfish to a certain extend. You have to know that.

 

For you to be going thru alot of changes and him making those tough decision about what he wants is a big red flag.

 

Let me tell you something. I am crazy about my mm but I damm sure will not be taking for granted. I let him go because I started feeling insecure in the relationship and I am not going to live like that. I want to feel secure and not needy, hopeless, and out of control. We have not been broke up for a week yet and I saw him. My heart was pounding. We had small talk. I was cool. But I did not break down and call him. I just let it go. I cant be there for you when I cant get the respect I need.

 

You need to make changes for YOUR SAKE. He has set his boundaries. You need to set yours. Dont give him emotional support anymore. He could not do it for you. Dont give him

pick him ups when he is down. He could not do it for you. He needs to understand those are benefits you dont have to give him and they are precious. You have to get stronger.