my boyfriends words hurt me, what can i say to him?

[janie]

i wrote quite a while ago about my boyfriends grandma, she is a very nice woman but the only time she called is when she wanted something, but i know it was to get out of the house.

 

i complained about going with them and begged off several times cause all she did was complain away the whole meal. i like the lady, i really do, she is so sweet and kind and i even fondly call her grandma as does my daughter.

 

well she is sick now and all though i still don't go much to dinner with her and my boyfriend i do make trips to her house with him to help her.

 

when she got sick and i felt really bad also, my boyfriend said "you'll probably be glad when she dies" i was so hurt by this. i told him i'd never wish that kind of loss or pain on him or his family, having lost my mom and sister and aunt all within six months of each other back in 1992.

 

now that she is worse, i almost feel like i don't deserve to feel sad too. what can i do or say to him that shows him that i do care about her and would never wish harm to her. i'm not a monster, i'm just a very reserved, shy and quiet person who has a hard enough time socializing let alone trying to do so under false pretenses.

 

i don't wish her ill health or worse, or wish it on his family, yet i feel so bad, i almost feel responsible for her health and like he blames me. what can i do? i feel so bad as it is. thanx janie

[Tony T]

You choose your own feelings so I suggest you just choose to feel concerned about this lady and that's all.

 

Your boyfriend's remark was totally uncalled for. It is your decision to allow it to bother you but it is my decision for it to indicate your boyfriend is somewhat of a butthead.

 

You have conducted yourself admirably throughout this whole situation. You have been very kind as well as truthful to your boyfriend and to this lady. You are reaching out to help in whatever ways you can at this time.

 

When we just don't want to be around people, that's just the way we feel. Nothing to feel guilty about. You did not want to go out to eat with this lady every weekend and hear all her bull and I wouldn't have either. You took charge of your life and you should have. You went sometimes to please your boyfriend and you also stayed home sometimes. You did just fine.

 

It would be insanity for anyone, including yourself, to blame you for this ladies health problems at this time. Your boyfriend has made unreasonable demands that you kiss her butt and that's just not what you chose to do. In every way, you have conducted yourself as a lady and you have harmed nobody.

 

So stop feeling guilty, don't go overboard with what you do for her...just do what you feel like doing...and be happy.

 

If your boyfriend starts trying to give you any kind of head trip about this or blames you for anything, tell him I said to kiss off!!!

[Nic]

Your boyfriend should have the maturity to realise that you have been through a lot with your own family, and naturally, you may not always be comfortable around sick people, especially those who you feel close to.

 

normal human beings feel empathy towards someone who is sick, so it's not wrong that you feel sad. it's not right however, that you are letting your boyfriend make you feel guilty over her sickness. her sickness is caused by mother nature alone, and no one else. you not wanting to go to dinner with them or to see her did not make her sick.

 

your boyfriend knows that you think she is a sweet lady who you are fond of. just because he's upset that she is very sick, gives him no right to make childish, spiteful comments towards you. her sickness was not caused by you and he should grow up.

 

if he makes a comment like this again, tell him something like, "i understand her being sick is upsetting you, but you don't need to make immature, uncalled for comments like that. it is upsetting for me too because i am so fond of her. just because she has annoyed me sometimes, does not mean i don't care a lot for her" (or words to that effect!!). he should be mature enough to realise that just because someone might annoy us, does not mean we would wish harm on them, and he should be thankful that he has a girlfriend with a heart like yours!

 

so in essence, don't let silly comments like his eat at you, because that's all they are - silly and immature and designed to get under your skin. you know it's not true what he said, so choose to let it go over your head instead of straight to your heart.

i wrote quite a while ago about my boyfriends grandma, she is a very nice woman but the only time she called is when she wanted something, but i know it was to get out of the house. i complained about going with them and begged off several times cause all she did was complain away the whole meal. i like the lady, i really do, she is so sweet and kind and i even fondly call her grandma as does my daughter. well she is sick now and all though i still don't go much to dinner with her and my boyfriend i do make trips to her house with him to help her. when she got sick and i felt really bad also, my boyfriend said "you'll probably be glad when she dies" i was so hurt by this. i told him i'd never wish that kind of loss or pain on him or his family, having lost my mom and sister and aunt all within six months of each other back in 1992. now that she is worse, i almost feel like i don't deserve to feel sad too. what can i do or say to him that shows him that i do care about her and would never wish harm to her. i'm not a monster, i'm just a very reserved, shy and quiet person who has a hard enough time socializing let alone trying to do so under false pretenses.

 

i don't wish her ill health or worse, or wish it on his family, yet i feel so bad, i almost feel responsible for her health and like he blames me. what can i do? i feel so bad as it is. thanx janie