My Husband is a Sex Addict

[Starry Sky]

I'm a 27-year old woman married for 5½ years to a man (40) who has a pre-teen daughter from a previous relationship.

 

A few days ago I realized that my husband is a sex addict. I was in denial for some years until now. Throughout our whole marriage he's been using porn almost daily. I tried to understand that most men are probably like that and tried to learn to accept that fact. For many years I bothered him though by looking through his phone and computer history (acting completely like his parents when he was a kid) and I always found long lists of porn sites... And my controlling behaviour of course didn't make him want to use it less and love me more...!

 

In 2009 I had had enough of the relationship because I felt that he was not respecting me (we fought a lot and he would verbally abuse me). It ended up being just a threat though.

I was a very jealous partner (I have seriously worked on that since then) and have a lot of crap in my bagage from my childhood and past relationships. Therefore my trust in men was/is very limited and I mostly attract men who had a traumatic childhood.

So my husband and I really MATCH in the negative sense. We are both aware of this... We know that there's also a lot of work that needs to be done when it comes to our parents and what we have internalized from them! We have both been in therapy and most recently couples therapy.

 

In the end of 2009 my husband started visiting escorts. I found out a few months later, because he was not very good at hiding websites with time tables of escort services... I asked him many times what that was all about and he told me it was just a fantasy and nothing he'd really do. I knew though that he had visited 20+ escorts in his past, because he'd been very open and honest about his past with me.

For two years I sort of knew what was going on and blamed myself, because I'd threatened to leave him, which had upset him so much (he has a history of being abandoned).

I could always smell the perfume and he would always take showers at night if he'd been with one of these girls. I don't know how many times it happened exactly, but what I know of: 5-6 times. But of course I can never know for sure.

In 2011 there were about 2 more incidents with escorts and probably strip clubs aswell! After the 2 escorts in the Summer of 2011 I told him I couldn't handle it anymore and he agreed with me that he would never have sex with anyone besides me anymore.

I think it was first half a year later that he started visiting strip clubs (again), but still letting me know that he was keeping his promise (no intercourse). So throught 2012 he's been visiting strip clubs (with some months break sometimes) and in 2013 he's visited them many times already. It has really escalated recently because all aspects of his life are shaky at the moment (the relationship with me, his ex-wife, his parents, some friends, his carreer).

Last weekend I had an odd feeling again and for the first time in years I checked his phone and he'd indeed called three escort services and one strip club that weekend, where I wasn't at home. He admitted to having visited strip clubs, but I didn't want to ask him about the escorts. Btw. I always know when he's been up to someting. I always intuitively know and then of course there's the evidence with his clothes that smell of perfume and bills he sometimes forgets to throw away... and all the cash he suddenly has, late night showers...

 

Yeah. So I am definitely married to a sex addict. He doesn't use that description, but he knows he has a problem.

This week I completely collapsed for the first time ever. I'd just had enough. I felt so worn down and so sick inside. I've had no appetite and am actually very depressed. My self esteem is worse than ever before and I've started having panic/anxiety-attacks when he comes home late no matter if something's happened or not! I feel like I'm going crazy.

He asks me to understand that he has a problem and that he does not(!) want to live like this forever and that it's got nothing to do with me - although he will of course use porn and strip more if we don't have sex.....and at the moment I really can't have sex. It almost hurts psysically if I just get a bit aroused. I know I've completely lost myself in this relationship.

 

Right now I'm not at home with him. I told him I had to be somehwere else this weekend, because we have his daughter for 5 days (since Wednesday) and I can't handle anything at the moment really.

 

He thinks we have to make an agreement now. Something like that he doesn't do anything for one month and then maybe two months, three months etc. while he works on his issues from his childhood (by reading Toxic Parents etc.).

The problem is I feel like I've gone too far already... I have no hope and even if there is hope for him - that he will "get clean" one day - I don't know if I can stay with him... If the damages that this relationship gave me can be healed while I'm still in the relationship...although I believe him when he says that he doesn't want to continue living like this.

I still love him! I just feel like moving out and ending this - but then again I don't know if I should give him a last chance. He's never realized until now that his problem is so serious and that it has to end... But I think it's such a struggle and on top of that I also have to be a step mother, which isn't a piece of cake either anymore.

 

What would you do in my shoes?... I know no one can make the decision for me, but I feel so hopeless and sad that I need some advice.

 

Btw. I know I also play my part in this! I am not just a martyr here! My bagage and controlling behaviour etc. also affected how this relationship has turned out.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Long half-way interesting story aside, life decisions really are simple actually. You have two options: 1. Leave him or 2. Stay with him. That's it.

 

What you are doing is implicitly choosing #2 by not explictily making a decision. From this point on, you are responsible for all the bad things he does to you because of this. As long as you continue to stay with him, every time he bangs someone else, you have no one to blame but yourself, not even him.

 

Not get some courage and make an active decision in your life. Otherwise you will be in this same situation in 3 years.

[Fallen Petals]

His behavior appears unlikely to change without therapy and self realization. If he tells you he'll stop "for you" then he will revert back to old habits. He's clearly using other women as a coping mechanism for the stresses in his life. Now you need to decide if his coping mechanism is something you can handle or if you need to move on. You're 27...and he's not irreplaceable...and believe me when I say I know how hard it is to hear and believe that.

[Starry Sky]

Long half-way interesting story aside, life decisions really are simple actually. You have two options: 1. Leave him or 2. Stay with him. That's it.

 

What you are doing is implicitly choosing #2 by not explictily making a decision. From this point on, you are responsible for all the bad things he does to you because of this. As long as you continue to stay with him, every time he bangs someone else, you have no one to blame but yourself, not even him.

 

Not get some courage and make an active decision in your life. Otherwise you will be in this same situation in 3 years.

It's so very true. I have now chosen that I will leave him. I just need to put it in the most right way possible... He'll of course be devastated and I'm afraid of his anger and possible violence, since he has pushed me once before and yells extremely loud and threatens me occasionally... I will take responsibility for my life now though.

[Starry Sky]

His behavior appears unlikely to change without therapy and self realization. If he tells you he'll stop "for you" then he will revert back to old habits. He's clearly using other women as a coping mechanism for the stresses in his life. Now you need to decide if his coping mechanism is something you can handle or if you need to move on. You're 27...and he's not irreplaceable...and believe me when I say I know how hard it is to hear and believe that.

Thank you for your comment. I have decided that I want to leave him. As I wrote above: I'm just thinking about how to do it in the most right way possible without upsetting him all too much - or putting myself in danger. I'm really really anxious...

[KathyM]

It's unlikely he's going to change. He may hope or intend to change, but the addiction is something he has been too weak to control. I would suggest not wasting more of your life with him. That is no way to live, and it is doing psychological damage to you, and probably physical as well, the longer you stay with him.

[Starry Sky]

It's unlikely he's going to change. He may hope or intend to change, but the addiction is something he has been too weak to control. I would suggest not wasting more of your life with him. That is no way to live, and it is doing psychological damage to you, and probably physical as well, the longer you stay with him.

Thank you. I know it is I'm not "myself" anymore and haven't been for a long time...even longer than I realized myself! My sister had to point that out yesterday; that we almost always see each other when I need some breathing space from my marriage and I mostly cancel our café meetings etc. because "something just happened" again...

I just posted a thread about my anxiety about breaking up with him in the Break Up forum... Need some help because I feel so weak at this point...

[BetheButterfly]

Thank you. I know it is I'm not "myself" anymore and haven't been for a long time...even longer than I realized myself! My sister had to point that out yesterday; that we almost always see each other when I need some breathing space from my marriage and I mostly cancel our café meetings etc. because "something just happened" again...

I just posted a thread about my anxiety about breaking up with him in the Break Up forum... Need some help because I feel so weak at this point...

 

i am so sorry. It's not your fault though that he is like this, ok? It's important to remember that. It's his decision how he wants to live his life.

 

It's good that you are seeking freedom from being married to a verbal abuser who puts porn and escorts before you. That type of man does not have the integrity needed to be your protector and truly love you. It is dangerous to your own heart to truly love such a man, too.

One thing that I have been sadly noticing is that not many men nowadays are strong and good. Not many men nowadays value True Love, but rather are just very lustful creatures who follow their desires and selfishly just think of themselves to the detriment of those who love them.

 

Please protect yourself from his violence. Also, hold your head high. You are a queen. Believe it. You do not deserve to be treated badly. Rather, you deserve True Love.

 

Please work on healing yourself and in enjoying time with your family. Please don't allow yourself to wallow in the pit of despair. Rather, enjoy the beauty of Nature and the beauty of Family.

 

Free this man so he can pursue his escorts and his porn without a wife. If y'all promised to be faithful to each other, he has broken his promise of faithfulness again and again. Your marriage has been broken by him.

 

Please work on healing. I do think there are still men out there who are strong and good, creatures of Values and Integrity, and I very much hope you meet one. It's not too late!!! However, the longer you stay with this guy, the more it will hurt you I think. Please get out and be safe and enjoy Family and Nature and know you don't deserve the pain he is giving you. Rather, you deserve a strong and good Man who loves you and knows the value of you. A strong and good Man deserves to be loved by you and that you know the value of him.

Edited March 9, 2013 by BetheButterfly

[Dragonfruit]

I think that is a good decision. I mean you've got to have something to work with and wow, just reading about him makes me tired. Especially since you don't have children together, why not dodge all the drama and let him go play with his whores all he wants and then everyone's happy, right? Best wishes.

Edited March 9, 2013 by Dragonfruit

[Grumpybutfun]

The addiction does sound like something that stems from childhood abuse. He needs therapy even if you two do not decide to stay together for the sake of his daughter. Child abuse is a horrible thing that doesn't stop when the abuse stops.

As you make plans to seperate, write down all the things you will need to do like with finances, your medical, safety,etc. Get those who love you to come around you in support. Don't be afraid to ask for help as you will need it. Get a lawyer to help you with the legal aspects, and make sure it is someone whom you feel comfortable with.

I do hope you know that it is better to have learned this and dealt with it after 5 years than 20. Picking up the pieces isn't easy, but you can do it if you remember that you are working towards a better life. Then go get therapy yourself and find out why you pick men who are damaged.

No one deserves to put up with what you have.

Luck to you-

Grumps

[Starry Sky]

Thank you all so so so much for your kind, honest and quick support!! I really appreciate it! It's impossible to predict life!... My husband called me yesterday (I was at my sister's) and we talked everything through. Because of you guys' support I'd gathered all my strength and I was completely honest with him. When I later went home to our apartment (where he was) I wasn't afraid and he was just completely devastated and so regretful (never seen before) because he had been so blind to what he had been asking me to put up with in the marriage.

Btw. his addiction does stem from childhood abuse (physical violence from his father and brother).

Today he started the 12-step program for addicts and also got a sponsor (he'd - without me knowing it - already made contact to a sponsor a few weeks ago and started on the program because he had realized that he has a serious addiction!).

I will take things slow. I've set my boundaries now and will not accept any bad treatment anymore. He has to show me that he is willing to make an effort to change for the sake of his own life, his child, our relationship etc. otherwise, I told him, I will need to divorce him for my own sake because I can't handle more of those incidents...

 

I don't know if I've made the right choice. Time will tell. But I feel happy to have set my boundaries and made a deal with him - made a plan for our (near) future. Step by step we will see if what happened can be healed over time.

[Starry Sky]

On top of all that: We are both starting up individual therapy again as soon as possible.

[BetheButterfly]

Thank you all so so so much for your kind, honest and quick support!! I really appreciate it! It's impossible to predict life!... My husband called me yesterday (I was at my sister's) and we talked everything through. Because of you guys' support I'd gathered all my strength and I was completely honest with him. When I later went home to our apartment (where he was) I wasn't afraid and he was just completely devastated and so regretful (never seen before) because he had been so blind to what he had been asking me to put up with in the marriage.

Btw. his addiction does stem from childhood abuse (physical violence from his father and brother).

Today he started the 12-step program for addicts and also got a sponsor (he'd - without me knowing it - already made contact to a sponsor a few weeks ago and started on the program because he had realized that he has a serious addiction!).

I will take things slow. I've set my boundaries now and will not accept any bad treatment anymore. He has to show me that he is willing to make an effort to change for the sake of his own life, his child, our relationship etc. otherwise, I told him, I will need to divorce him for my own sake because I can't handle more of those incidents...

 

I don't know if I've made the right choice. Time will tell. But I feel happy to have set my boundaries and made a deal with him - made a plan for our (near) future. Step by step we will see if what happened can be healed over time.

 

That's awesome!!! I am so glad that you set your boundaries and won't accept bad treatment any more!!! I am also so glad that he has started the 12 step program for addicts!!!

 

Yeah, time will tell and I really hope he heals from the abuse in his past and grows and becomes a wonderful and kind and fun husband and that y'all enjoy a wonderful life together!!!

[DannyMason]

What you are doing is implicitly choosing #2 by not explictily making a decision. From this point on, you are responsible for all the bad things he does to you because of this.

 

You are implicitly blaming all abuse victims everywhere for their own abuse. Do you know who's actually responsible for the horrible things abusive husbands do to their wives? The husbands, and people like you who heap even more abuse on people who are already suffering. You are an absolutely awful human being.