A question for the Involuntarily Celibate virgins.

[Mrlonelyone]

How does it feel?

 

I see much negativity directed towards you guys, mostly men on here and elsewhere. I can imagine what that's like. Perhaps if you told us in non-blaming language what it felt like it would engender some sympathy.

 

 

Personally I was in a situation for years where I wasn't proud of my sex life and so I did not talk about it. I let people think I was a virgin and I know the way people act about that.

 

My sex life had comprised sex I could not really feel proud about. Being Bi and having had most of my experience when I was young with two different female teachers may sound great to some people. It isn't. If ones sex life isn't normative in any way there is a stigma.

 

What I felt was a profound sense of "otherness" and shame. There was also a profound feeling of "what's wrong with me?" "Why can't I just have a more normal relationship life?"

 

Is that what you all feel? Tell us about it, in non-blaming language.

[IndianGuy87]

It sucks. Personally, I just feel like I'm highly unappreciated by the opposite sex as a human being. I don't know why there's so much hate for virgin males. Just because we weren't blessed with physical traits and all like other males.

[USMCHokie]

It sucks. Personally, I just feel like I'm highly unappreciated by the opposite sex as a human being. I don't know why there's so much hate for virgin males. Just because we weren't blessed with physical traits and all like other males.

 

How are your non-physical traits...?

[IndianGuy87]

How are your non-physical traits...?

 

Huh.......

[normal person]

Huh.......

 

Ok fine, I'll put you out of your misery.

 

He's referencing the completely erroneous notion of yours that because you don't have overtly desirable physical traits, that women aren't attracted to you. There are a variety of reasons why that might be the case, my guess is that you have an off-putting personality, for one.

 

The fact that you didn't even consider that shows me how out of touch you are.

[USMCHokie]

Ok fine, I'll put you out of your misery.

 

He's referencing the completely erroneous notion of yours that because you don't have overtly desirable physical traits, that women aren't attracted to you. There are a variety of reasons why that might be the case, my guess is that you have an off-putting personality, for one.

 

The fact that you didn't even consider that shows me how out of touch you are.

 

I think our overt physical traits are much more a reflection of our non-physical traits than we may realize...

[IndianGuy87]

Ok fine, I'll put you out of your misery.

 

He's referencing the completely erroneous notion of yours that because you don't have overtly desirable physical traits, that women aren't attracted to you. There are a variety of reasons why that might be the case, my guess is that you have an off-putting personality, for one.

 

The fact that you didn't even consider that shows me how out of touch you are.

 

You don't know me. If you're comparing my real life personality with my online persona, then yeah, you don't know me. I'm not like this in real life and I never really believed in what I believe in that I post here till recently. If I was like this in real life, I'd have no friends for sure.

[fortyninethousand322]

What I felt was a profound sense of "otherness" and shame. There was also a profound feeling of "what's wrong with me?" "Why can't I just have a more normal relationship life?"

 

Is that what you all feel? Tell us about it, in non-blaming language.

 

Yup. That's what it feels like for me (the part I bolded).

 

Being a virgin is meaningless, it's the lack of being "normal" that bothers me. I can't just meet a girl, go on some dates and decide if we like each other.

[Bengal Tiger]

It sucks. Personally, I just feel like I'm highly unappreciated by the opposite sex as a human being. I don't know why there's so much hate for virgin males. Just because we weren't blessed with physical traits and all like other males.

 

You don't appreciate yourself as a human being and you hate yourself. Why would some woman want you? Do you have any positive qualities at all? Are you fun to be with? Are you thoughtful and charming and empathetic towards others?

 

From your posts you don't even sound beta. You sound like an omega male.

[USMCHokie]

You don't know me. If you're comparing my real life personality with my online persona, then yeah, you don't know me. I'm not like this in real life and I never really believed in what I believe in that I post here till recently. If I was like this in real life, I'd have no friends for sure.

 

So if your online persona isn't the "real you," then why even display it online...? Why not show your real persona on here...? Why go through the trouble of fabricating a fake identity...?

 

Methinks this is the real you, whereas the offline you is only trying to hide what we are seeing here online.

 

But I merely speculate...

[Mrlonelyone]

Indianguy,

 

I can relate to what you are dealing with in regards to the whole board persona vs real life. i.e. I am on a different board these days, with different subject matter, and folks have made all kinds of judgements based on God knows what. I'm not judging you right now.

 

Just tell us how you feel. People please lets try listening to these guys for a bit without passing judgement on them for feeling what they feel.

 

49322

 

Yeah, those are what has to sting the most. I can only imagine the feeling.

...

When it comes to having "dates" I too know what you feel. I have had relationships, and sex ... but never dates. To take someone out on a date is a statement that has never been made about me. Either for reasons of gender, race, age religion I have been taboo. i.e. if your banging the teacher you can't exactly take her to the homecoming dance. Therefore you don't go and are made to look and feel like a looser. Same if your banging the star linebacker.

 

I really feel for you guys. It has to be very similar, in terms of some of the feelings of otherness and exclusion to being gay or in an interracial relationship etc.

[Mrlonelyone]

So if your online persona isn't the "real you," then why even display it online...? Why not show your real persona on here...? Why go through the trouble of fabricating a fake identity...?

 

Methinks this is the real you, whereas the offline you is only trying to hide what we are seeing here online.

 

But I merely speculate...

 

It's not on purpose. Some people just have a very direct and no BS way of saying things. Folks take that online as being very rude, rough, or unpleasant in real life. While in real life how one says something can make all the difference in the world.

[IndianGuy87]

So if your online persona isn't the "real you," then why even display it online...? Why not show your real persona on here...? Why go through the trouble of fabricating a fake identity...?

 

Methinks this is the real you, whereas the offline you is only trying to hide what we are seeing here online.

 

But I merely speculate...

 

Yeah, I'm done with you.

[USMCHokie]

It's not on purpose. Some people just have a very direct and no BS way of saying things. Folks take that online as being very rude, rough, or unpleasant in real life. While in real life how one says something can make all the difference in the world.

 

I know. The anonymity of the Internet allows us to be much more candid and forthright with ourselves. I speak from a place of experience. I was just like indianguy, except I'm not Indian. I thought I had two distinct "personas," one on LS and one in real life. But in fact, I learned that LS me is the real me, insecure and lost...the offline me was just trying to hide that from the world to see.

[IndianGuy87]

Indianguy,

 

I can relate to what you are dealing with in regards to the whole board persona vs real life. i.e. I am on a different board these days, with different subject matter, and folks have made all kinds of judgements based on God knows what. I'm not judging you right now.

 

Just tell us how you feel. People please lets try listening to these guys for a bit without passing judgement on them for feeling what they feel.

 

49322

 

Yeah, those are what has to sting the most. I can only imagine the feeling.

...

When it comes to having "dates" I too know what you feel. I have had relationships, and sex ... but never dates. To take someone out on a date is a statement that has never been made about me. Either for reasons of gender, race, age religion I have been taboo. i.e. if your banging the teacher you can't exactly take her to the homecoming dance. Therefore you don't go and are made to look and feel like a looser. Same if your banging the star linebacker.

 

I really feel for you guys. It has to be very similar, in terms of some of the feelings of otherness and exclusion to being gay or in an interracial relationship etc.

 

Smart man. And yeah, there are better and important things to talk about in real life. Here, in a specific category of discussion you only talk about this and you get quite deep about what you believe in. I mean this is a LS site, why would I talk about sports and stuff in here.

[somedude81]

How does it feel?

 

Anger, depression, lack of will to live, nothing I do has any meaning, feel that the world has wronged me, very quick to anger, God/fate is playing a trick on me, plus more. I also think I'm slowly losing my sanity so there is that too.

 

I also have almost constant headaches and there are times where I feel exhausted for no reason I can think of and have to take naps. Insomnia happens almost every night.

[TouchedByViolet]

In the past I have went through periods where finding dates, a relationship, or sex were near impossible. I'm not a virgin but have went years with no sex or just 1 sexual experience in an entire year. To me it felt awful. Mainly because dates, relationships and sex were important to me and I put in the effort. Yet the primary result was failure. Even at points where I severely lowered by standards I was met with failure.

 

At first failures are easy to deal with. The natural state of mind is to improve oneself until things work out. You stay busy with friends, school/work, exercise, take up hobbies, and essentially be the best person you can be. During this period of time you do what makes you happy and pursue individuals of interest. Sadly this doesn't work for everyone. Physical and personality limitations greatly hinder us. People assume you have negative qualities that turn off potential mates but that is often not the case. You simply don't have the looks or personality that actively attract anyone. You do the best you know how but the puzzle pieces refuse to fall into place.

 

Some people are just not good at the dating/relationship dance and practice helps only in the smallest amount. It makes me think of people in college who couldn't pass a certain class to save their life. They studied hard, got a tutor, gave it their best but often failed or barely passed. This is after giving a 100%. The feeling is depressing.

 

Honestly, if you haven't felt this pain personally you can not truly relate. It would be like someone who has felt hungry from skipping meals trying to understand what a starving person who is barely alive feels like. Sexual and emotional needs are powerful and often devalued by those who have them.

[USMCHokie]

Honestly, if you haven't felt this pain personally you can not truly relate.

 

I agree that empathy is vital to understanding...but there are those who have felt the pain and made it out alive. Those are the ones we should learn from...

[ThaWholigan]

I went for a long time believing myself to be "involuntarily celibate". I couldn't get dates to save my life, and I didn't know how I would do it.

 

I can't say I was always angry - the only time anger hit me was when the girl I really wanted suddenly had a BF. But I certainly felt unappreciated through most of that time and it made me feel rather lonely and inferior, even though I had normally felt safest alone. My life changed after the diagnosis too, but it also became a catalyst for me to stop feeling sorry for myself and making excuses. I felt that feeling down about myself as a result of my lack of a dating life was not good enough, so I decided to be happy about it and happy about everything else. I reframed everything in my mind to something that I was happy with. As a result, everything changed for me.

 

This is the one thing I realized: you absolutely cannot afford to be bitter. You just can't. No matter how righteous you think your anger is (not that being angry is necessarily wrong, you need to be angry every now and then) or how justified you feel you are in being sad and negative, it doesn't serve you in the long run, it only makes your condition worse and compounds it. You have to uplift yourself if even to a level of balance between positive and negative. This is the best thing you can do.

 

And you CAN do it. The worst thing you can do is tell yourself it's impossible and "some people just aren't meant to do....." and all that other sh*t. Don't say that. The more you believe it, the more true it becomes, when it doesn't have to be.

[Revolver]

I've always felt the biggest reason this happens is the lack of sexual/romantic experiences at Key transition points in youth. Most of the men who are virgins at a older age were never "in the game" when everyone else was

[ThaWholigan]

I've always felt the biggest reason this happens is the lack of sexual/romantic experiences at Key transition points in youth. Most of the men who are virgins at a older age were never "in the game" when everyone else was

That is true. After certain points it gets harder and harder. Kinda like when you breeze your way through an RPG and forget to level up and then simple bosses become absolute cunts to beat .

 

Again, one of the keys for me was simply to not make it a big deal. Really.

[jma500]

I've always felt the biggest reason this happens is the lack of sexual/romantic experiences at Key transition points in youth. Most of the men who are virgins at a older age were never "in the game" when everyone else was

 

Very true. The "looks" issue is much more prevalent in youth. Therefore more males failed to have these experiences than succeeded. Sad, but that's life.

[ltjg45]

Anger, depression, lack of will to live, nothing I do has any meaning, feel that the world has wronged me, very quick to anger, God/fate is playing a trick on me, plus more. I also think I'm slowly losing my sanity so there is that too.

 

Yeah, that sounds about right for me.

 

Tried to call a fast-food restaurant looking for a job at 9 AM today. Hiring manager tells me to call back at 2-4 PM today and told me positions is open. I called back around that time only to find out I have to wait another 2 weeks.

 

All this for an entry level job that, apparently, they have open positions for?

 

That same day, I had to sell away my portable game system and games away just to cover a stupid mistake made by my mother that was needed to pay for an utility bill.

 

And yet people ask me why I'm depressed and feel worthless?

[CudLRoo]

Again, one of the keys for me was simply to not make it a big deal. Really.

 

Bang right. Once you take the pressure off yourself and stop bothering/worrying/fretting, just *accept*, then it gets much easier. If you get into a happier state of mind, then you kind of feel like you've already lost your virginity, and seem to become more of a hit with the ladies, because you're no longer dominated by the 'rite' of emptying one's sacs into a female's body (if a slobby, sleazy schmuck like Ron Jeremy can do it for a living, then it's hardly a skilled vocation is it?).

 

What you have to learn to do is lie to yourself a little bit and tell others less, at the moment. You don't have to be honest all the time, remember that, people often ask questions because they're nosy, not just because they're concerned.

 

It's overrated, anyway, I lost mine quite late at 22 and was so anxious I couldn't get it up - which would have destroyed me totally had she not been so understanding, she gave me a bit of time/practice (sweet, she was) and I came out awesome on the third attempt (2nd was another Mr Softee), and almost a sexual artisan in the end but I *still* think about the time that was supposed to be the first time - and the second - and CRINGE.

 

It's not worth the hassle, the stress about losing it actually serves as a negative because not only does it make you exhibit the signs of stress and inferiority, which puts people off, it also keeps you in a horrible, catch 22 situation of perpetually self-defeating thought processes, which will keep you perennially self-loathing throughout. It's a cancerous situation, you don't have to feel that way, please try and downplay its significance.

 

It's odd, Viagra wouldn't have helped in that situation, but Diazepam would've. The mind is a very powerful tool, and stress can ruin if left to run its merry, hellish path.

[Els]

I have no issues with virgins, be they voluntary or involuntary, technical ones or spiritual ones, male or female.

 

I find that most of the 'negativity' here directed towards some of the 'celibates' is sparked by either their own extremely negative posts, or their desire to proclaim themselves the supreme authority on something that they have zero experience with (ie women and relationships). Very rarely do I see any negativity towards someone purely for being a virgin.

 

49k and Ross have gotten a lot of kindness and sympathy here. And regardless of what people say about how it feels like, I doubt any responses will change how people react to some of the others on here. Someone can be wheelchair-bound for all I care, if he/she perpetually makes unprovoked blanket falsities and insults towards all strangers of one gender purely on the basis of the fact that they are bitter that someone of their gender put them in a wheelchair for life, they ain't getting much sympathy.