KatherineX Posted March 9, 2013 Share Posted March 9, 2013 I don't think there is one thread left in this forum that I haven't read about reconciling with an ex. So here I am writing out this post hoping someone could shed some light or wisdom on my breakup. Little background info on my breakup... I dated my ex for an amazing 3 years and we parted ways as a couple almost 9 months ago due to a heated discussion about marriage and kids, anyway I made the stupid comment that if he really wants kids then he should find someone else that does (Mistake #1). The weeks that followed he became distant and he eventually caved and broke up with me, I was devastated but remained calmed and thought he would come to his senses and return to my embrace. I suggested we remain friends and he happily obliged and ended up spending a lot of time together socializing and going to the gym. At the the 6 months mark I was getting concerned as he was showing interest in a girl that lived in my apartment building. I knew I had to either tell him how I feel or set him free to date this girl, so I went and set him free (Mistake #2). Now my ex lives in the apartment building across the street so when I stand at my bedroom window I have a full view of his apartment and could always see what he is up to. So he started dating this girl and I would lay at night on my bed watching over these two through my window and it breaks my heart to see them cuddling, him rubbing her feet, cooking dinner together and all the things we used to do as a couple. Yes I know stalking them is keeping me from moving on but I don't want to as I want my ex back and I want to get married and HAVE kids with him. I realized what I have lost and I am willing to donate my kidney to be back with him. Do I write a letter and explain all my feelings to him and hope for the best? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ajax Posted March 9, 2013 Share Posted March 9, 2013 It sounds to me that your willingness to consider marriage and kids now is more about getting your ex back than something you actually want for yourself. You both have different goals in life, and recognizing that and making the difficult choice to move forward separately was the right and mature thing to do. I'm sure that you really do love him. And seeing him with someone else, someone with whom he might realize his hopes and dreams with, is of course very hard. But that doesn't mean you're right for each other. Is it right for you to have children just to hold onto a relationship? I think if you did you'd eventually become resentful of him and the relationship. Even though you'd no doubt love your kids, you might resent that you gave up the life you'd originally wanted for him. Or what if he agreed to sacrifice the marriage and kids he wanted to hold onto you? Might he someday come to resent you for denying him the life he wanted? Sometimes even though two people may love, respect, and want to be with each other, they're on two different life paths. The best relationships allow partners to grow both individually as well as together as a couple. When you're on separate paths though you can't really do either. The best thing in this case is to cherish the time you had, but but accept that continuing a relationship would prevent each of you from living your lives to the fullest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KatherineX Posted March 9, 2013 Author Share Posted March 9, 2013 Going to be so hard to let him go, but I refuse to not have him as a friend though. I know it might keep me from moving on but having him in my life makes it a life worth living. He is truly a great guy and I want us both to be happy but you are right not at the expense of each others dreams. Thank you for your valuable input =) Link to post Share on other sites
emmalynro Posted March 9, 2013 Share Posted March 9, 2013 A letter may be a good idea, but you should be prepared to move on with your life. This doesn't sound healthy. Can you imagine what your ex would say if you told him you were stalking him and his new girlfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
destroyed4sho Posted March 9, 2013 Share Posted March 9, 2013 You should tellhim how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted March 9, 2013 Share Posted March 9, 2013 You have nothing to lose at this point by telling him how you feel..BUT..you have to make sure that you're prepared for whatever the outcome is. You have to prepare yourself for the possibility that he will reject you, and if he does, you need to genuinely move on. Are you ready for that? Link to post Share on other sites
J_L_C Posted March 9, 2013 Share Posted March 9, 2013 Hi KatherineX, I am of the mind that writing a letter wouldn't cause anymore harm than what's already happened. I say write it. I was in a similar situation. I had so many things I wanted to say to him and it was eating away at me. First of all, writing down all my thoughts and feelings was quite therapeutic. Second, I finally got it out of my system and he FINALLY knew how I really felt. Here's the downside: He messaged me back. Didn't call. He basically just said "You're a wonderful girl. Thanks for letter. I understand how you feel. I enjoyed everything we shared together and I wish you the best" I can't explain how much that stung. BUT...at the same time, at least I can say "I tried" and had NO regrets. Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted March 9, 2013 Share Posted March 9, 2013 Hi KatherineX, I am of the mind that writing a letter wouldn't cause anymore harm than what's already happened. I say write it. I was in a similar situation. I had so many things I wanted to say to him and it was eating away at me. First of all, writing down all my thoughts and feelings was quite therapeutic. Second, I finally got it out of my system and he FINALLY knew how I really felt. Here's the downside: He messaged me back. Didn't call. He basically just said "You're a wonderful girl. Thanks for letter. I understand how you feel. I enjoyed everything we shared together and I wish you the best" I can't explain how much that stung. BUT...at the same time, at least I can say "I tried" and had NO regrets. Did you ask him to take you back though? Link to post Share on other sites
J_L_C Posted March 9, 2013 Share Posted March 9, 2013 Did you ask him to take you back though? I didn't say it that bluntly. I explained how important he was to me and all of the qualities I admired in him. I reflected back over those special moments we had while we were together and how I don't understand it falling apart. I described how difficult it was for me to try and let him go, but that I would always hold onto hope because I believe he is meant for me. Link to post Share on other sites
lavenderlove Posted March 9, 2013 Share Posted March 9, 2013 You must analyse your feelings. Isn't it the jealousy and the fact that your partner is appreciated by someone else is what makes you think he is valuable? How would you feel if you would see him every night curled up in bed alone and depressed? Would you still want him? I know that every time my ex have seen me outside our relationship existing in the world independently (eg long distance) he found me so attractive. Because I didn't need him to stay alive, but then when I returned home and embraced our relationship with passion and this appreciation has disappeared. What do you think? Can your feelings be partly due to this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KatherineX Posted March 10, 2013 Author Share Posted March 10, 2013 You must analyse your feelings. Isn't it the jealousy and the fact that your partner is appreciated by someone else is what makes you think he is valuable? How would you feel if you would see him every night curled up in bed alone and depressed? Would you still want him? I know that every time my ex have seen me outside our relationship existing in the world independently (eg long distance) he found me so attractive. Because I didn't need him to stay alive, but then when I returned home and embraced our relationship with passion and this appreciation has disappeared. What do you think? Can your feelings be partly due to this? If it only was the case, but no my ex was since day one the love of my life. He is strong and assertive with good moral values, always inspired me to be a better person. I wrote the letter last night and will be giving it to him today and pray for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
MyAngel Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 Oh god... I can't imagine the pain at having to see him and her together from your window. Yeah, you shouldn't be looking but I wouldn't be able to stop myself either. Have you got any binoculars, prolong the pain a little hehe Maybe by you setting him free he felt you didn't care about him enough anymore to fight for him. I was dumped, and of course my initial reaction was "she doesn't love me, she doesn't care" so he may have thought this too. Let us know what happens with the letter. I hope things work out for the best for you, whatever that may be. Link to post Share on other sites
StephanieLynn1982 Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) Oh my god! Please tell me what happens with this and the letter. I'm in a similar situation myself and my ex husband. Even the kid situation is similar! I can't imagine the pain of seeing him night after night. That is awful. How have you not moved your belongings and gotten a new place?! Like your guy, my guy was great too and I know this sounds cheesy, but I once saw a psychic and they told me that this guy was my soul mate. I laughed about it at the time but the more and more I thought about it recently, the more it really does seem true. Good luck. I really hope he gives you a well thought out response. In my experience, the good ones usually will follow up with you...and if it's right, they do come back. Edited March 10, 2013 by StephanieLynn1982 Link to post Share on other sites
jovan Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 well you should at least try. If he's not in to you anymore, then its time for you to let it go and find some1 else. But don't wright him a latter, just ask him to meet up and talk to him. Tell him you made a mistake and blah blah and you want im back. That way youll at least know whats your standing point. Gl Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 Writing a letter and giving to him is a bad idea. Don't you think if he wanted to get back with you it would have already happened? You need to let this go and move on. This will be another setback. Cav Link to post Share on other sites
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