The 'other woman' - common background themes?

[Decorative]

That's NOT the way she rolls.........maybe you should just back off and process your other stuff until you can be objective.

 

Thank you, LG.

[White Flower]

Stable family and a respect for marriage so you fell in love with another and LEFT your marriage. You did not play the triangualr game.

 

As to caing about the wife she doesn't know. In his mind he is not hurting her because she will never find out (general she) but the ow knows and is in pain every night as he goes home. He knows his paramour is in pain knowing about the triangle he thinks his wife is naively protected from that pain.

 

I know that Coco addressed the fact that BW, in my case, knew about the A and ignored her own pain by burying her head in the sand but I'd like to address the issue about my pain as the OW. There wasn't any the first 5 years. It worked for both of us all that time until he expressed that he feared I would begin to feel the need to have a man in my life full time as time progressed after my D became final. And since he kept expressing a concern we then began discussing options in which he made promises. The pain only began when he broke those promises. Oh, he kept a few, but not long term. The pain I felt off and on the last two years was enough to be the catalyst to begin a new life apart from him. A healthy future was to be mine for sure, but last I heard BW still asks if he's got a secret cell phone or if he's called or seen me. That can't be healthy...taking back someone you know is a high risk.

 

In contrast to the two years of waffling during the A, the last ten years of my M were very painful. My tolerance is getting shorter, making me a healthier person as I age. I think, too, this may be a common theme among OW.

[White Flower]

NO the pathetic part is sneaking around and lying and hurting an innocent person. The pathetic part is not holding up your part of the household while running around lying and playing with an affair person. The pathetic part is thinking you have an all encompassing love when that love is going home to a whole other life. If you fall in love with another you do not lie. You don't cheat and cake eat and hurt everyone in the process. You live an honest life. Anything else is pathetic.

 

I didn't lie at all, and my xH never accused me, so I assume you aren't speaking about me. xMM wasn't pathetic when he lied or cheated, but he was pathetic when he got caught and proclaimed to still love his BW when he didn't because what he really loved was the assets, the lifestyle, and the image of being the only (ok, one of the few) of his kind who isn't D, and he was pathetic when he tried, and continues to try, to win my affections after all has been said and done.

 

Considering what BW knows and has admitted to xMM as to having seen on my FB when she was stalking me there, she is also pathetic for witnessing his love for me (Pierre, talking about past love does not mean I am validating myself!), witnessed his happy smiles in pictures with me, saw his adoring words of affirmation all over my page, then still begging him to come home is pretty darn pathetic. I'd rather die than be with a man who so obviously loves and adores another.

 

Turning away someone you love deeply who refuses to grow is not pathetic, in fact it's tough love and very healthy. It might mean we'll never be together again but there's still a payoff: my sanity.

 

And though many don't post after the end of the affair, I think tough love, claiming your rights (or your sanity), and a healthy future whether together or apart are common themes of the OW.

[stevie_23]

The common theme is the desire to be loved, but I think it goes beyond that.

 

Most people have a desire to be loved.

 

Here is my theory.

 

Childhood. Were you loved unconditionally? Were both parents positive influences in your life? Did you ever feel abandoned, neglected or abused by either parent? Did you experience trauma, such as physical or sexual abuse? Were you bullied by siblings or classmates, if so did your parents/teachers take steps to protect you? Did you have an alcoholic or addict parent? Did you have a parent that was dishonest, unfaithful, criminal?

 

It is apparent that many people feel that their childhood has no bearing on their actions. People don't like to blame their parents, because they often feel their parents did the best they could. The fact is, like it or not, our childhood shapes us. Even things that we don't remember from childhood shape us.

 

In dysfunctional families, we develop defense mechanisms to deal with our pain as children, because the truth is too hard for our immature minds to process. Our alcoholic dad is yelling & screaming because he had a bad day. Dad still loves us but never takes us on his weekends because he's busy with work (or his new family). Mom is nice one day and hits us the next day because she's stressed out. Uncle Rob is touching my legs because he thinks I'm special & pretty. You get the picture.

 

These types of families do not usually have good models that teach coping skills. Problems in the family are usually hidden or ignored. There is not much open, honest discussion about resolving problems. No plans, no procedures, blurred boundaries. There are usually a lot of excuses offerred for bad parental behavior, and these trickle down to the kids. The kids need to feel loved, and they cannot cope with the fact that the people that are supposed to love them, treat them in ways that are not loving. The kids use excuses to make sense of it. They minimize the bad behavior and focus on the good. They NEED their parents to love them unconditionally, so they rationalize away, and they minimize, the unloving actions. They pretend their family is normal, and their young minds are often filled with dreams & wishes of a happy, smiling family.

 

These methods that kids develop to cope don't disappear at age 18. You don't magically mature into a emotionally healthy adult with good coping skills. You need good models or a good counselor for that. So you keep using those same coping skills. You don't do this consiously. You don't recognize that the skills you used to protect your fragile mind as a child, have now turned into an unhealthy pattern of thinking & coping.

 

So you end up with an adult that was not loved unconditionally, who is still subconsciously seeking that love, affirmation, validation & emotional support that they were robbed of as a child. Imagine if parenthood had a checklist of tasks to create an emotionally healthy adult. Imagine that the "showing your child unconditional love" task never gets completed. This results in an emptiness, and a subconsious longing for that unconditional love. And as adults, we subconsciously seek ways for that missing piece of development that was so vitally important, to be resolved.

 

This is why I think many OW find the love and attention of a married man so validating. They have been conditioned in childhood to be perpetually disappointed by those that claim to love them. They may logically know that they deserve more (like they did as a child, wishing & dreaming), but they fall back into the same patterns of making excuses. He loves me, he just doesn't want to hurt his kids. He loves me, he's just confused & afraid to change. He's trapped & misunderstood. But he loves me, that's what matters. The same pattern of ignoring hurtful behavior, focusing on the good.

 

Children have no way out. They are stuck in that dysfunctional way of life. They don't have an option, so they become very resigned to their circumstances. They twist & turn their reality in ways to make it seem not so bad. They have to, they have no choice. They make it work, they have no other options.

 

As adults, we have choices. A married man might flirt with us, and we can decide not to engage. But what happes if we are weak & vulnerable to love and attention? Those patterns developed as a child, cause that attention to feel very validating. He is risking their marriage and life to talk to me. He is interested in me. He thinks about me. He cares what I am thinking about. He cares about what I did today. He cares about what I'm going to do tomorrow. He feels a connection with me.

 

Someone with a strong sense of self, someone that loves and takes care of themselves (because they were loved and cared for as children), are less likely to feel flattered by this attention. Their thought process would be along the lines of , so what if some married dude feels a connection with me? WTF? Some married guy is thinking about me, big whoop! Go talk to your wife, loser! You got issues, man! Inner thoughts: STAY AWAY, DUDE'S BAD NEWS! These feelings come in because your loving parents instilled something in you. You know you are worthy of more. You don't need that kind of love. You love yourself. You protect yourself. You keep yourself out of harmful situations and away from shady people. You act towards yourself the way a protective parent would act towards their child.

 

So I think experiences in childhood play a huge part.

 

It affects the way a perceives love & attention and how that love & attention makes them feel. This is what sucks the OW in. The feelings. Feeling loved, wanted, desired.

 

Once she is involved, the coping mechanisms from childhood keep her there. There seems to be so much rationalizing of MM's behavior. Minimizing the wife, maximizing the good. Ignoring his home life. Making assumptions. Projecting your wishes onto his feelings. Believing lies. Pushing down those thoughts. Burying the pain. Disregarding what doesn't make sense. Wishing, dreaming of better circumstances.

 

And finally, the resignation. Just like a child that has no choices, they seem to feel resigned to accept whatever comes their way. The love is that valuable. Disappointment is not a new & scary feeling...they've been conditioned to expect it. Waiting for him to leave his wife? No sweat. They've waited their whole life for someone to love them like this.

 

I feel that these reasons often apply to OW, but also to BW that continually accept unloving behavior from her husband.

 

I apologize for the length, but I felt I had to really elaborate in order for this to resonate to those that it may help.

 

This really is an excellent and thought provoking post.

 

Growing up my childhood was good, but...my dad was an alcoholic and also dishonest about various things relating to his drinking and also a gambling addiction. So dishonesty and verbal abuse were frequent in my house growing up. Feeling not good enough for him to stop doing what he was doing to my mum and me, and us as a family. Feeling inferior. Feeling embarrassed to show any negative emotions because they didn’t change anything anyway – so feeling impotent really. My mum was very strong and the main parent, really. We were very close (still are). I think I feared men because of my dad, and couldn’t trust them. My mum actually told me I said once when I was a kid that you couldn’t trust any men. I have no recollection of this, but the fact I said that at such a young age is quite confronting.

 

I was very sheltered as both my parents were protective, but at the same time because of my experiences with my parents, and the fact my mum confided in me a lot about that stuff, I also feel I grew up a bit too fast in terms of the emotional side of things. I think this is why I’m quite wise and introspective now.

 

I never had anything to do with men growing up apart from my dad. Went to an all girls exclusive school. Never had any male friends, only girls. Then I thought I was gay from age 17-18 until about 2 years ago when I fell in love with my ex-MM.

 

Maybe I chose an unavailable man and a relationship situation fraught with dishonesty, deception, selfishness and pain because I didn’t have any previous relationships with men to guide me. Maybe I was only with girls prior to this because it was a kind of “default” option for me. Maybe I feared men and only bonded with women because of the close bond with my mother and the fear and impotent feelings surrounding my father.

 

I do know also that once I hit my teen years and felt if I wanted to be who I wanted to be and do what I wanted to do (and then once I felt I was gay and wanted to be with women), I felt I had to lie and hide just to not hurt and disappoint my loved ones (my parents). And I got so used to doing this, I think that doing it to my partner in terms of my affair, it was just kind of a fairly easy (if also UNEASY) reversion back to that earlier time of hiding in order to be me.

 

Also at school for a few years I had NO friends at all. It was quite bad. I just survived for a while, not talking to anyone, eating lunch by myself, feeling 100% self conscious all the time. At home I could relax and be myself. I never showed any emotion at school, never showed I was unhappy. What was the point? So I kind of learnt to compartmentalise things then as well, and hide my feelings again, which also has made it potentially not such a stretch for me to do it in terms of my affair.

 

Later on, I started cutting myself (rarely, but even once is significant). I got mildly into drugs. I stole some things. I was a quiet, obedient person, a good daughter, I was a functioning, decent member of society. And yet underneath I did not feel any of those things. I just went my own way, quietly (hiding all the time).

 

Maybe also, underneath my expectation and demands for my ex-MM to make changes in his life in order to really be with me, I never felt deserving of that. Not only because of my residual feelings from my childhood with my dad and men in general, but also maybe because of my guilt and self-hatred over my treatment of my partner. Why SHOULD I deserve a proper relationship with this man I wanted to be with? Or something like that anyway…

[GettingOver]

For anyone who calls this 'over analysing' - if I hadn't over analysed, I imagine I'd be having a full blown affair with a MM with whom I would claim the attraction and connection we had was so strong that it was obviously 'meant to be'. Instead, I looked at what I was getting from him that I craved so badly, and how he seemed to fill a void in my life. It was this I was so addicted to, not him.

 

Working to 'fill that void' on my own and to understand myself so I can avoid such vulnerability and such situations in the future, is what I would MUCH rather be doing. So hey, a little 'over analysing' can be a good thing

 

WOW! I have not been posting here in about a year and actually have only one thread. But this thread made me log back in!

I still cannot figure out what is the reason for my bad choices and my affair is still sort of going on. Because of MY bad choices. I realize it is not healthy, wrong, etc. but I am still there. I progressed from "I can't live without him" though to "I'm ok without him" but I cannot completely let go.

This is the first MM in my life BUT not the first unavailable man. Two stories with age gap 15+ yeas and long distance and an alcoholic are the brightest examples. The point is: I had a good childhood, my both parents loved me unconditionally, I was the only kid, my dad was (and still is) always there for me, so as my mom. They did not have a perfect marriage though, I could not see any intimacy or connection between them but nothing like abuse, too much drama, etc. And both of them really loved me and I never felt unloved or abandoned. I was a happy kid.

Basically all of the men I dated were unavailable for some reason, but I cannot find a reason for this in my childhood really. Perhaps it could still be bad luck or smth?...

And one more thing: what is actually this "work" you are talking about to get yourself out of this "circle"?

[Scarlett5]

Hi Getting Over, thanks for posting

 

We learn from the relationships around us as we grow (pretty much from birth). So if you didn't see examples of closeness and intimacy, it's possible that you have grown to become somewhat emotionally unavailable yourself. As I did. And that's how you go for the unavailable, because it's familiar and feels comfortable.

 

I've continually gone for men who are unavailable in one way or another (only one who had a partner), and it just leads to heart ache and feelings of rejection. My very first thread (or at least one of my early ones) details my whole sorry life of dating and relationships, if you ever fancy a read

 

I think half the battle is actually recognising these behaviours and where they come from, and recognising who is bad for you - and staying away from them. I still struggle though and I often wonder whether I'll ever have a 'regular', healthy relationship. I believe that I will, and in the meantime I just plan on working on my self belief when it comes to men and relationships. It's very tough though when other people seem to do the whole relationship thing so easily

[GettingOver]

Scarlett,

I am that happy to have read this thread and to actually post a reply cause I never thought that seeing this kind of relationship between my parents could affect me as they were both taking very good care about me and were very loving to me!

I found and read that long post you mentioned - wow, a lot of things sound very much familiar to me besides childhood background! We are neraly the same age and my last love - the MM - really turned my world upside down as I fell sooooooooo much for him - I have been exploding with butterflies, I felt like I had a shiny Christmas tree inside! I went for the A cause he was from another country and expected him to never come back - what a mistake! I also opened up for him - I trusted him so much and I would never imagine that I could be unavailable!!! I expressed so much love, passion, care... And I received it back. This is what I am missing! How can 2 people be "unavailable" subconsiously and act in an opposite way! Do you understand? What is that you need to change inside to become subconsciously available and attract available people?...

You mentioned you did not have a LTR, so to say I did not either... I lived with one guy (turned out to be an alcoholic), I thought of a few relationships as serious... But also no serious commitment. And I also believe that my last relationship - that is still sort of going on - is the lesson I have to learn from to get out of stuck! Cause I really do find myself in "same **** different day" all the time - i.e. smth else is always more important for men - work, alcohol, kids, marriage, money, etc and it is always surrounded with so much drama!

As for age thing and everyone "coupling up" - I have a lot of gfs of approximately my age being single or having unhealthy relationships. So I do not feel like an outsider or smth. And I actually feel good by myself - I have to admit. I still do not know if I want any kids at all. But I do want a healthy LTR, get married. And I want to do it with a right person... And if this whole drama circle is not "fate" I want to learn how to fix this....

[GettingOver]

Btw, Scarlett, re your thread about moving to the city (this thread is closed for commenting already), sorry for this off-top: I moved to the city from a small town 5 years ago. I did find a job and I did find what I wanted at that time: living here made me happier, I loved the city, I made more money, I made new friends. Now I am looking at moving to another country to study and get a new experience, a bitscared but very excited!

[Snowflower]

The common theme is the desire to be loved, but I think it goes beyond that.

 

Most people have a desire to be loved.

 

Here is my theory.

 

Childhood. Were you loved unconditionally? Were both parents positive influences in your life? Did you ever feel abandoned, neglected or abused by either parent? Did you experience trauma, such as physical or sexual abuse? Were you bullied by siblings or classmates, if so did your parents/teachers take steps to protect you? Did you have an alcoholic or addict parent? Did you have a parent that was dishonest, unfaithful, criminal?

 

It is apparent that many people feel that their childhood has no bearing on their actions. People don't like to blame their parents, because they often feel their parents did the best they could. The fact is, like it or not, our childhood shapes us. Even things that we don't remember from childhood shape us.

 

In dysfunctional families, we develop defense mechanisms to deal with our pain as children, because the truth is too hard for our immature minds to process. Our alcoholic dad is yelling & screaming because he had a bad day. Dad still loves us but never takes us on his weekends because he's busy with work (or his new family). Mom is nice one day and hits us the next day because she's stressed out. Uncle Rob is touching my legs because he thinks I'm special & pretty. You get the picture.

 

These types of families do not usually have good models that teach coping skills. Problems in the family are usually hidden or ignored. There is not much open, honest discussion about resolving problems. No plans, no procedures, blurred boundaries. There are usually a lot of excuses offerred for bad parental behavior, and these trickle down to the kids. The kids need to feel loved, and they cannot cope with the fact that the people that are supposed to love them, treat them in ways that are not loving. The kids use excuses to make sense of it. They minimize the bad behavior and focus on the good. They NEED their parents to love them unconditionally, so they rationalize away, and they minimize, the unloving actions. They pretend their family is normal, and their young minds are often filled with dreams & wishes of a happy, smiling family.

 

These methods that kids develop to cope don't disappear at age 18. You don't magically mature into a emotionally healthy adult with good coping skills. You need good models or a good counselor for that. So you keep using those same coping skills. You don't do this consiously. You don't recognize that the skills you used to protect your fragile mind as a child, have now turned into an unhealthy pattern of thinking & coping.

 

So you end up with an adult that was not loved unconditionally, who is still subconsciously seeking that love, affirmation, validation & emotional support that they were robbed of as a child. Imagine if parenthood had a checklist of tasks to create an emotionally healthy adult. Imagine that the "showing your child unconditional love" task never gets completed. This results in an emptiness, and a subconsious longing for that unconditional love. And as adults, we subconsciously seek ways for that missing piece of development that was so vitally important, to be resolved.

 

This is why I think many OW find the love and attention of a married man so validating. They have been conditioned in childhood to be perpetually disappointed by those that claim to love them. They may logically know that they deserve more (like they did as a child, wishing & dreaming), but they fall back into the same patterns of making excuses. He loves me, he just doesn't want to hurt his kids. He loves me, he's just confused & afraid to change. He's trapped & misunderstood. But he loves me, that's what matters. The same pattern of ignoring hurtful behavior, focusing on the good.

 

Children have no way out. They are stuck in that dysfunctional way of life. They don't have an option, so they become very resigned to their circumstances. They twist & turn their reality in ways to make it seem not so bad. They have to, they have no choice. They make it work, they have no other options.

 

As adults, we have choices. A married man might flirt with us, and we can decide not to engage. But what happes if we are weak & vulnerable to love and attention? Those patterns developed as a child, cause that attention to feel very validating. He is risking their marriage and life to talk to me. He is interested in me. He thinks about me. He cares what I am thinking about. He cares about what I did today. He cares about what I'm going to do tomorrow. He feels a connection with me.

 

Someone with a strong sense of self, someone that loves and takes care of themselves (because they were loved and cared for as children), are less likely to feel flattered by this attention. Their thought process would be along the lines of , so what if some married dude feels a connection with me? WTF? Some married guy is thinking about me, big whoop! Go talk to your wife, loser! You got issues, man! Inner thoughts: STAY AWAY, DUDE'S BAD NEWS! These feelings come in because your loving parents instilled something in you. You know you are worthy of more. You don't need that kind of love. You love yourself. You protect yourself. You keep yourself out of harmful situations and away from shady people. You act towards yourself the way a protective parent would act towards their child.

 

So I think experiences in childhood play a huge part.

 

It affects the way a perceives love & attention and how that love & attention makes them feel. This is what sucks the OW in. The feelings. Feeling loved, wanted, desired.

 

Once she is involved, the coping mechanisms from childhood keep her there. There seems to be so much rationalizing of MM's behavior. Minimizing the wife, maximizing the good. Ignoring his home life. Making assumptions. Projecting your wishes onto his feelings. Believing lies. Pushing down those thoughts. Burying the pain. Disregarding what doesn't make sense. Wishing, dreaming of better circumstances.

 

And finally, the resignation. Just like a child that has no choices, they seem to feel resigned to accept whatever comes their way. The love is that valuable. Disappointment is not a new & scary feeling...they've been conditioned to expect it. Waiting for him to leave his wife? No sweat. They've waited their whole life for someone to love them like this.

 

I feel that these reasons often apply to OW, but also to BW that continually accept unloving behavior from her husband.

 

I apologize for the length, but I felt I had to really elaborate in order for this to resonate to those that it may help.

 

Thank you for taking the time to write this. This post made me really think (and think and think!). I couldn't PM you but I wanted to know that your words were not wasted.

[White Flower]

And what is the common theme that would keep someone coming back for more, whether they are the BS or the OW? To me it smacks of desperation on both sides.

 

As QS put it:

 

"I feel that these reasons often apply to OW, but also to BW that continually accept unloving behavior from her husband."

 

I walked away, but she takes him back knowing that he found her to be less than enough their entire 45 years. I made sure she had all the facts but she kept him anyway, out of desperation, I'm sure, as you stated.

[LadyGrey]

As QS put it:

 

"I feel that these reasons often apply to OW, but also to BW that continually accept unloving behavior from her husband."

 

I walked away, but she takes him back knowing that he found her to be less than enough their entire 45 years. I made sure she had all the facts but she kept him anyway, out of desperation, I'm sure, as you stated.

 

Now that you are several months removed from it, do you feel that your part in it was dysfunctional also?

[White Flower]

Now that you are several months removed from it, do you feel that your part in it was dysfunctional also?

Good question.

 

I went to see xMM's IC with him. His IC had enough knowledge to know about both the R between xMM and his BW, and between myself and xMM, and he stated to us that our R was clearly the healthier R. He also stated of course that he couldn't chose for xMM but he definitely made it clear which R worked to resolve issues, which R was more functional, and which R was overall healthier and it was ours.

 

Problem was that xMM suffers from codependency and those who do so are only comfortable in that zone where there is always chaos. When I recognized my xH as being codependent, and I also realized I was enabling him so I got out because I couldn't change him, couldn't force him to be healthy, and couldn't force a healthier R (and life) upon him. xMM wasn't so obviously codependent as he hid it so well. He enjoyed our healthy R as long as he could return to the codependent one at the end of the day. I think it scared him to take on healthy full time.

 

FTR the first five years of our A was a highly functional, very happy affair when that's all we both wanted. The last couple of years of the R were more tumultuous in that he actually desired more but realized he could not pull it off being so codependent. That is when I pulled away from this board because I didn't need fighting on top of the turmoil. I sought advice from OW/OM only and it was they who actually helped me see that I was enabling xMM to remain stuck in his non-decisiveness which was tearing everyone up, including his family and friends and my family and friends as our R was out in the open now.

 

So in answer to your question, even though our R was the healthier R as stated by xMM and his therapist, I believe my only dysfunctional part in our R was in enabling him to waffle over the course of two years. Ending the R stopped that process.

[White Flower]

But it took a LOOOOONG time for your desperation to finally ebb. Thank goodness you took your life back!

 

I think we all deserve more than 20 D days. Actually we all deserve more than one!

 

You'll have to explain yourself here. In what way was I desperate? The R was 7 years but we only discussed becoming a full time committed R the last couple of years. I don't see it as taking my life back because he didn't control me that way, but I did end something when I felt it became dysfunctional for us.

 

What do you mean "we all deserve more than 20 Ddays"? Are you talking from the perspective of a BS or OP?

Edited March 15, 2013 by White Flower
Typo

[cocorico]

I think a common background theme for OWs is that we're less needful of having to conform to societal expectations, are more willing to forge our own paths that lead to the destinations we choose for ourselves.

[LFH]

I think a common background theme for OWs is that we're less needful of having to conform to societal expectations, are more willing to forge our own paths that lead to the destinations we choose for ourselves.

 

As Alice said in the movie... "I make the path."

[anne1707]

I think a common background theme for OWs is that we're less needful of having to conform to societal expectations, are more willing to forge our own paths that lead to the destinations we choose for ourselves.

 

Coco

 

You complain about BS saying OW are needy yet in this post you are now basically saying that the OW who are less needy therefore by default the BS are. It suggests that those who are not OW are a bit safe and dull.

 

As it is, I disagree with your comment. It may apply to some OW but not all. It also applies to some BS but not all. Life is not black and white.

[LFH]

I didn't take it that way Anne?

I took it not that anyone is needy but that ap's tend to not feel the need to conform to what other people might think is acceptable or what "most" people might do.

This fits me to a tee. As my one time pink hair would attest.

[anne1707]

I didn't take it that way Anne?

I took it not that anyone is needy but that ap's tend to not feel the need to conform to what other people might think is acceptable or what "most" people might do.

This fits me to a tee. As my one time pink hair would attest.

 

I get that it fits you LFH

 

But this was posted as a common theme for OW. I just don't think it is as common as some may think. And that if some think that it is common then it is be default a criticism of others. Kind of like saying "Us OW are independent, dynamic, free-thinkers. You others are dull, unimaginative and uninspiring"

[Pierre]

I think a common background theme for OWs is that we're less needful of having to conform to societal expectations, are more willing to forge our own paths that lead to the destinations we choose for ourselves.

 

Maybe you, but most OWs wait in secret and cannot operate in an open free manner. Their schedules are affected by the activities of the OM's marriage.

[Bailey14]

Maybe you, but most OWs wait in secret and cannot operate in an open free manner. Their schedules are affected by the activities of the OM's marriage.

 

Pierre, please tell me how you know what "most OWS" do.....

[Pierre]

Pierre, please tell me how you know what "most OWS" do.....

 

I read their personal confessions on the forum. Have you been reading?

[LFH]

Maybe you, but most OWs wait in secret and cannot operate in an open free manner. Their schedules are affected by the activities of the OM's marriage.

 

Hmmm.. maybe I need to start an OW club to teach them how to not do that then. They can spend their time doing much better things than waiting for a guy and in the end will probably decide they don't need him after all. It'll be WAY more fun than a book club!

[LadyGrey]

I read their personal confessions on the forum. Have you been reading?

 

Didn't you know...........most ow's have no baggage, no ghosts from the past. All is good.

 

Damned if I know why it gets under peoples skin to point out that some women do, it's universal, not just a ow problem but a woman problem, but that message gets lost. It's here in this forum, of course not by every ow but those posts get ignored for the most part because I believe it makes some feel superior because they can tell themselves, oh I'm not like that, I've got my chit together because I am not weak and pathetic like THOSE women are.

[LFH]

Didn't you know...........most ow's have no baggage, no ghosts from the past. All is good.

 

Damned if I know why it gets under peoples skin to point out that some women do, it's universal, not just a ow problem but a woman problem, but that message gets lost. It's here in this forum, of course not by every ow but those posts get ignored for the most part because I believe it makes some feel superior because they can tell themselves, oh I'm not like that, I've got my chit together because I am not weak and pathetic like THOSE women are.

 

Well I don't think any of them are weak or pathetic, and I never want them to feel way about themselves. I know lots of people have baggage, frankly I think everyone has baggage and most people have ghosts from the past too.

 

I always hope those that are struggling find a way to a better path.

[White Flower]

Maybe you, but most OWs wait in secret and cannot operate in an open free manner. Their schedules are affected by the activities of the OM's marriage.

 

xMM jumped through a lot of hoops to be with me during my time off as I worked and he was retired. We did everything out in the open and I posted photos all over FB. I've seen other OW/MM Rs behave in similar manners.