spice4life Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I think that affairs have common background themes more so than anything else. It's a roller coaster ride and a lot of the dynamics are the same. It's up to the indivduals involved to speak up and communicate what they need and want and not settle for less. Some do and some don't as we so often see here in these forums. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 xMM jumped through a lot of hoops to be with me during my time off as I worked and he was retired. We did everything out in the open and I posted photos all over FB. I've seen other OW/MM Rs behave in similar manners. Wow! On Facebook. Then it was not a secret affair. It was an open relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Wow! On Facebook. Then it was not a secret affair. It was an open relationship. This is not so unusual. I know of several A couples who are open about their R status on FB. In most of those cases, the BW is either not on FB, or on FB but not FB friends with the MM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Wow! On Facebook. Then it was not a secret affair. It was an open relationship. Only if the wife is friends with them and/or you. ExMM and I were FB friends and there were photos, check-ins and such, but as the 2 spouses were not FB friends it was pretty irrelevant! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Only if the wife is friends with them and/or you. ExMM and I were FB friends and there were photos, check-ins and such, but as the 2 spouses were not FB friends it was pretty irrelevant! But, why do you publish details of the affair relationship in FB? The assumption is that the wife is not a FB friend with her own husband? Or that the wife is not into the FB culture of telling everything. Why is it important to you that you were able to post your affair details in FB? Link to post Share on other sites
Bailey14 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Pierre, this forum is hardly a scientific sampling of women who are involved in EMRs. You know, just because you go to an AA meeting doesn't mean you know how all alcoholics think. You only know how OW think who go to online forums to talk about their EMRs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Pierre, this forum is hardly a scientific sampling of women who are involved in EMRs. You know, just because you go to an AA meeting doesn't mean you know how all alcoholics think. You only know how OW think who go to online forums to talk about their EMRs. ....How *some* OWs think who go to online forums... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 But, why do you publish details of the affair relationship in FB? The assumption is that the wife is not a FB friend with her own husband? Or that the wife is not into the FB culture of telling everything. Why is it important to you that you were able to post your affair details in FB? Most couples do this. Why should it be any different, if the OW- MM are the primary couple rather than the MM - BW? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bailey14 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 ....How *some* OWs think who go to online forums... Ooooooooops!!! Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 (edited) Wow! On Facebook. Then it was not a secret affair. It was an open relationship. It was always open to me and he knew it. He let me take his pictures, check us in to places together, and he posted tons of territory-marking comments so everyone knew we were in a R. I only posted all that out in the open, though, once he was separated. Tbh, I figured she was stalking me and I wanted her to see how darn happy he was with me. I thought maybe her sense of dignity would rise and she'd set him free and let him have his happiness but instead she went into competition mode. He fell for it, but for months after he kicked himself in the pants citing that he wasn't happy, should have stayed separated and filed for D and bla bla bla. I don't need cry babies so he can stay where he is and get mothered. Edited March 18, 2013 by White Flower Typo Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 WF, I'm curious about something since you've came back and I've read your posts. You say he and the wife are co dependent and dysfunctional, so do you think your relationship was co dependent also? I ask because you were talking about all the d days and how she kept taking him back, but yet so did you, so I'm confused with how you both weren't enabling him to go back and forth, straddle the fence per say. I don't mean to be offensive, it's a sincere question. Oh I absolutely enabled him! I stated so on at least one thread here that it was on an OP/MP forum only where my peers got me to realize that I was guilty of that and since the whole experience for me was about learning and growing I had to recognize when he stopped growing. I no longer enable him as a result. But reconciling with his W doesn't mean he will stop his wandering ways; I'm almost certain now that I'm out of the picture he will look for somebody new. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 So it WAS in secret after all? Effectively yes, in that it didn't expose an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 But, why do you publish details of the affair relationship in FB? The assumption is that the wife is not a FB friend with her own husband? Or that the wife is not into the FB culture of telling everything. Why is it important to you that you were able to post your affair details in FB? I use Facebook, I enjoy it. Things I do or places I go are mentioned or have photos put up etc. The 'affair' was not an affair for me as such, it was my only romantic relationship and so I behaved the same as I did in the relationship prior - as far as 'keeping secrets' and posting on FB was concerned. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) I use Facebook, I enjoy it. Things I do or places I go are mentioned or have photos put up etc. The 'affair' was not an affair for me as such, it was my only romantic relationship and so I behaved the same as I did in the relationship prior - as far as 'keeping secrets' and posting on FB was concerned. You are a very risky OW. I hope your activities did not precipitate a d-day. A OW should be discret. Edited March 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Pierre, this forum is hardly a scientific sampling of women who are involved in EMRs. You know, just because you go to an AA meeting doesn't mean you know how all alcoholics think. You only know how OW think who go to online forums to talk about their EMRs. Yes, this is a sample of all the women in the world that are having the same issue. I am almost certain there are exceptions to the rule. But, I suspect most OWs do not publish they are having an EMR with a married guy on FaceBook. As for AA. Yeah the folks there are not all the alcoholics in the planet, but they are a good example on how alcoholics operate. That was an awful analogy. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 You are a very risky OW. I hope your activities did not precipitate a d-day. A OW should be discret. Aw hush! If he couldn't afford a d-day he shouldn't have had an OW!! There were no secrets for me to keep, I was free to date who I liked and he was never that bothered either. Hence us eating at the restaurant next to his work a few times etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Aw hush! If he couldn't afford a d-day he shouldn't have had an OW!! There were no secrets for me to keep, I was free to date who I liked and he was never that bothered either. Hence us eating at the restaurant next to his work a few times etc. So as far as you are concerned it was not an affair?? So why post here? Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 You are a very risky OW. I hope your activities did not precipitate a d-day. A OW should be discret. It's the MP who takes the risks, he's the one who has something to lose. But he probably fears losing nothing if his BS keeps taking the abuse over and over. My posting my life gave me freedom; it gave BW a mirror with a sad reflection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 So as far as you are concerned it was not an affair?? So why post here? Oh Pierre, you are a one! I was in an affair for a time, HIS affair, not mine. For me I had a loving relationship with a boyfriend. He was the one with the headache of working out what to do given he was married to one woman but wanted to be with another. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 So as far as you are concerned it was not an affair?? So why post here? Probably for the same reasons you feel the need to post. Seeing as its a public forum and all. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) Aw hush! If he couldn't afford a d-day he shouldn't have had an OW!! This isn't true in all cases! My ex had 4 D-days and the final one was the nail in our coffin. If he'd had any more, he would've been out on his ear in the street, with no money, no home, no stability at all. I know these are selfish reasons for him to stay with his wife and throw me away, but that's how it is for them I guess. In any case, it is a very rare WS indeed who EXPECTS to have a D-day. EDIT - my brain's mush, sorry. I just re-read what you actually said and you said he SHOULDN'T have an OW if he can't afford a D-day, not that he WOULDN'T have an OW. UGH! YES. I agree with you now. lol Edited March 19, 2013 by stevie_23 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 You are a very risky OW. I hope your activities did not precipitate a d-day. A OW should be discret.:cool: Some of us didn't get that rule book. We wrote our own. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Bailey14 Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) Yes, this is a sample of all the women in the world that are having the same issue. I am almost certain there are exceptions to the rule. But, I suspect most OWs do not publish they are having an EMR with a married guy on FaceBook. As for AA. Yeah the folks there are not all the alcoholics in the planet, but they are a good example on how alcoholics operate. That was an awful analogy. Pierre, I have two close friends who are recovering alcoholics and they share no common traits except their inability to handle alcohol. My analogy was not awful. Edited March 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LFH Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Aw hush! If he couldn't afford a d-day he shouldn't have had an OW!! There were no secrets for me to keep, I was free to date who I liked and he was never that bothered either. Hence us eating at the restaurant next to his work a few times etc. Yep. I don't make allowances because he's married. I go where I want, do what I want, I don't follow any "rules" that say I shouldn't do something. He's my boyfriend. If he wants to be my boyfriend he's expected to act like it. Oh Pierre, you are a one! I was in an affair for a time, HIS affair, not mine. For me I had a loving relationship with a boyfriend. He was the one with the headache of working out what to do given he was married to one woman but wanted to be with another. Yep. That. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) Pierre, I have two close friends who are recovering alcoholics and they share no common traits except their inability to handle alcohol. Yeah, they are both alcoholics, they have a lot in common. Edited March 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
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