The 'other woman' - common background themes?

[Catplates]

I am not making this stuff up. All I am doing is quoting the posters.

 

Sure, everybody likes to be in a loving relationship. But, this should not be pathological or drive a person to do the wrong thing.

 

That was my point... it is a human need to be loved . It doesn't follow that everyone is a potential OW/OM.

[LadyGrey]

I have said previously that the broken parts of myself and xmm is what caused the attraction between us. I think he sensed my vulnerabilities and not so great boundaries. He took a long time to get to know me enough to see what he could get away with and what he couldn't.

 

One of my biggest shocks after it was all over with, is how much alike he and my father are. That I never saw coming.

 

 

It's not about blame though. It's about figuring out why we make certain choices. It's beneficial to do this because it keeps us from repeating unhealthy patterns.

 

You have figured out that your affair was probably about the attention from MM and the feeling of being wanted. It is good that you acknowledge that.

 

Now you have to go further and ask yourself, why do I need that attention? Why does that attention feel so good to me? Why does MM wanting me feel more special & validating than my husband wanting me?

 

People that have this need for validation will say "who doesn't want to to feel wanted?" or "who doesn't like attention?". They rationalize this need by assuming that everyone is the same way. They're not.

 

Most emotionally healthy people wouldn't choose to particpate in something that is against their values. They would not choose to risk causing pain to others, especially children. Even if they don't believe in marriage or monogamy, they would not be comfortable with the dishonesty in an affair. Instead of seeing MM as sexy, attractive and trapped ...they wouold see MM as pathetic.

 

Why is the need for attention, love, validation so powerful for some that they go against their values and risk hurting others? Where is that boundary that says "Stop, don't go there". Where is that inner voice that says "This can't be good for me". If they do have internal warning bells that go off regarding MM, why is his attention so addicting that those warnings are ignored?

 

A common theme from OW is "I love the man, not his circumstances", which indicates that they tolerate his marriage in order to have a relationship with him. Why is the love from that particular man so strong that they would accept a married man? What is different about that MMs love, compared to the love of a single, available man? OW's answer would probably be something like "It's the way he makes me feel". My point is that there is a reason, usually rooted in your past, that causes those feelings to be so strong. There is a reason that particular person sparks such feelings of attraction and attachment. That intensity causes some women to proceed past a hundred red flags. It's blinding.

 

It can be scary and uncomfortable to figure this stuff out, but it's very freeing in the long run.

[White Flower]

I am just quoting the words of the posters. They wanted to be loved. I did not make this up. I simply say it is the common denominator.

Well I suppose, then, you can be proud of yourself for recognizing a recurrent theme, however insignificant it is.

 

Big difference between wanting to be loved versus wanting to love someone.

One would presume by that statement that OP (is it just women in your case?) only look to be loved but do not love in return. That could be very telling indeed about the lack you may feel but I won't play games like that; just saying if you like to assume then you're not open to the whole story.

 

I had it all, a lovely house in a desirable neighborhood, a H who just recently inherited over $1 million, and a hot lover on the side but I dumped it all (I kept the house) for love because I loved my MM in return and didn't want to have to play two sides. They both deserved it, that's for certain, but I don't roll that way.

 

The love I shared with xMM was mutual but most would say I loved him more because I proved it over and again. I can be proud of that.

 

If he really cared for you he wouldn't allow you to be hurt by this triangle. He would leave his wife.

Hmm, and if he really cared about his BW of (x) years, in my case 45, then he wouldn't allow her to be a part of a triangle either.

I do believe many ow come from broken families and just don't have a lot of respect or the same feelings about marriage as those from happily married parents. Different boundaries from different life experiences.

I was M for 25 years and tried every which way to save it before D. My parents were M for 35 years before my mom died, and I think coming from a very large family that only experienced two Ds is pretty telling of strong family values. Yet, I don't really think its about family values as much as it is people figuring out that they no longer have to placate their families in order to be true to themselves.

 

 

I don't think that was the point. I believe the point was that to throw caution to the wind in order to get the love is very telling. It is also telling in the same sense when someone, whether it be OP or BS, continues to allow the WS to cake eat for year after year after year, they are not commanding respect. They are taking what they can get just to get that love.

True, it happens on both sides of the WS. BS in this case agreed to a lifetime of looking over her shoulder when she asked him to come back. I was the one commanding integrity but he chose the one who would always look the other way.

 

I disagree. In fact she has admitted it was not a good idea and she no longer does it.

Disagree about what? She didn't feel that way back then, so back then they suited her for the very reason she chose them. Personal growth isn't synonymous with rewriting history.

 

 

Again, at what cost? Do you demean yourself just to get something branded as "love?" Or does one maintain their sense of self worth and demand more for themselves while still finding love?

One should always seek growth and demand what is healthy for themselves. I don't understand why you get to deem those who have love over those who brand themselves with it. It is very possible to love someone when you're M to someone else. It's been 7 months since xMM and I broke up but I got red roses for V day and a card saying he loved me. I didn't acknowledge it though.

[Pierre]

Well I suppose, then, you can be proud of yourself for recognizing a recurrent theme, however insignificant it is.

 

However, t seems to be the common denominator. Did you read the post of Quiet Storm?

 

One would presume by that statement that OP (is it just women in your case?) only look to be loved but do not love in return. That could be very telling indeed about the lack you may feel but I won't play games like that; just saying if you like to assume then you're not open to the whole story.

 

Do not attempt a straw man. That will not work this time. Yes, it applies to men. Philandering men are also looking to be loved.

 

 

 

 

Hmm, and if he really cared about his BW of (x) years, in my case 45, then he wouldn't allow her to be a part of a triangle either.

 

Two wrongs do not make a right. He does not care for his wife that is a given. He only loves what gives him validation. The wife already knows he is a loser so he will not get any validation at home. Therefore, he loves YOU who provided a ton of validation to him.

 

One should always seek growth and demand what is healthy for themselves. I don't understand why you get to deem those who have love over those who brand themselves with it. It is very possible to love someone when you're M to someone else. It's been 7 months since xMM and I broke up but I got red roses for V day and a card saying he loved me. I didn't acknowledge it though.

 

 

Do you understand the post of Quiet Storm?

 

 

 

It's been 7 months since xMM and I broke up but I got red roses for V day and a card saying he loved me.

 

And the quotes keep on coming. This is all about wanting to be loved.

[White Flower]

However, t seems to be the common denominator. Did you read the post of Quiet Storm?

 

 

 

Do not attempt a straw man. That will not work this time. Yes, it applies to men. Philandering men are also looking to be loved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two wrongs do not make a right. He does not care for his wife that is a given. He only loves what gives him validation. The wife already knows he is a loser so he will not get any validation at home. Therefore, he loves YOU who provided a ton of validation to him.

 

 

 

 

Do you understand the post of Quiet Storm?

 

 

 

It's been 7 months since xMM and I broke up but I got red roses for V day and a card saying he loved me.

 

And the quotes keep on coming. This is all about wanting to be loved.

Why would I partake in a thread and not read all the posts in it? Of course I understand it and though I'm sure she put a lot of thought into it not all As are about the same thing, nor are all people who are looking for love also looking for validation whether M or S.

 

Quoting me twice doesn't mean I said it twice, that's a bit misleading, isn't it? And so is taking something out of context. The quote was about a man who chose to stay home but loves someone outside of it, not about wanting to be loved.

 

There is nothing shameful or pathetic about wanting or needing love, but those who are adamant that As are bad and only M love is good seem to think AP are pathetic and MP are not. Well I can attest to the fact that the MPs in my triangle are pretty darn pathetic! Neither are happy, nor are they healthy, but hell--they are married! But not happily so.

[kristismiles]

Well I suppose, then, you can be proud of yourself for recognizing a recurrent theme, however insignificant it is.

 

One would presume by that statement that OP (is it just women in your case?) only look to be loved but do not love in return. That could be very telling indeed about the lack you may feel but I won't play games like that; just saying if you like to assume then you're not open to the whole story.

 

I had it all, a lovely house in a desirable neighborhood, a H who just recently inherited over $1 million, and a hot lover on the side but I dumped it all (I kept the house) for love because I loved my MM in return and didn't want to have to play two sides. They both deserved it, that's for certain, but I don't roll that way.

 

The love I shared with xMM was mutual but most would say I loved him more because I proved it over and again. I can be proud of that.

 

 

Hmm, and if he really cared about his BW of (x) years, in my case 45, then he wouldn't allow her to be a part of a triangle either.

 

.

 

Stable family and a respect for marriage so you fell in love with another and LEFT your marriage. You did not play the triangualr game.

 

As to caing about the wife she doesn't know. In his mind he is not hurting her because she will never find out (general she) but the ow knows and is in pain every night as he goes home. He knows his paramour is in pain knowing about the triangle he thinks his wife is naively protected from that pain.

[kristismiles]

 

There is nothing shameful or pathetic about wanting or needing love, but those who are adamant that As are bad and only M love is good seem to think AP are pathetic and MP are not. Well I can attest to the fact that the MPs in my triangle are pretty darn pathetic! Neither are happy, nor are they healthy, but hell--they are married! But not happily so.

 

NO the pathetic part is sneaking around and lying and hurting an innocent person. The pathetic part is not holding up your part of the household while running around lying and playing with an affair person. The pathetic part is thinking you have an all encompassing love when that love is going home to a whole other life. If you fall in love with another you do not lie. You don't cheat and cake eat and hurt everyone in the process. You live an honest life. Anything else is pathetic.

[kristismiles]

If you fall for a married person you tell them hands off no relationship till they clean up their old one. It's not rocket science. It's quite a simple concept.

[sweetkiwi]

All the affairs I know of and the OW who've partake in them were extremely selfish people with low selfesteem who claim they don't believe in true love.

 

I don't have personal experience though.

[Pierre]

Why would I partake in a thread and not read all the posts in it? Of course I understand it and though I'm sure she put a lot of thought into it not all As are about the same thing, nor are all people who are looking for love also looking for validation whether M or S.

 

As Quiet Storm eloquently said: These things happen at a subconscious level.

 

When one looks at the posts of many OWs the words that express a yearn to be loved come loud and clear. This not only about you. In fact, you proudly stated your validation when you got a Saint Valentine's card.

 

 

The quote was about a man who chose to stay home but loves someone outside of it, not about wanting to be loved.

 

The cheating man loves whomever gives him validation. Cheating men are always looking for romantic conquests to feel good about themselves. Basically the OW and the cheating men suffer from the same affliction: They want to be loved. The wife at home already realized the cheating MM is pathetic so MM does not get validation at home.

 

 

There is nothing shameful or pathetic about wanting or needing love

 

I understand this feels completely normal and natural to you. But, it is not natural for many other people. Yearning to be loved is nothing but low self esteem. Women with good self esteem are generally repulsed by cheating MMs. They don't give these guys one second of attention. However, when your drive to be love is high you are willing to overlook many things.

 

 

 

 

, but those who are adamant that As are bad and only M love is good seem to think AP are pathetic and MP are not. Well I can attest to the fact that the MPs in my triangle are pretty darn pathetic! Neither are happy, nor are they healthy, but hell--they are married! But not happily so.

 

I am certain there are many married people with low self esteem that also yearn to be loved. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Edited March 12, 2013 by Pierre

[cocorico]

All of us want to be loved. But, to turn to a married person to get that love shows a greater than average desire for love. Anything in excess is not a good thing.

 

I did not enter an A seeking to be loved, nor seeking to love. I entered an A seeking hot sex.

 

I had more than enough love, intimacy, friendship, affirmation, challenge, fun and companionship. What I did not have enough of was sex, hence wanting an A rather than a FTR.

 

It had *absolutely nothing* to do with a "greater than average desire for love".

Edited March 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Pierre]

I did not enter an A seeking to be loved, nor seeking to love. I entered an A seeking hot sex.

 

I had more than enough love, intimacy, friendship, affirmation, challenge, fun and companionship. What I did not have enough of was sex, hence wanting an A rather than a FTR.

 

It had *absolutely nothing* to do with a "greater than average desire for love".

 

Seeking hot sex with a MM is not that different than seeking love from a MM. These actions are equally validating.

Edited March 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[cocorico]

Seeking hot sex with a MM is not that different than seeking love from a MM. These actions are equally validating.

 

Nope, nothing to do with validation. As i said, I had more than enough affirmation. Perhaps you're wired differently, but I have sex for orgasms, not to feel better about myself

[White Flower]

When one looks at the posts of many OWs the words that express a yearn to be loved come loud and clear. This not only about you. In fact, you proudly stated your validation when you got a Saint Valentine's card.

 

Then you clearly read into it something that wasn't there; I didn't "proudly" state anything. Again, you take things out of context, then use them to your advantage, a very dangerous tactic. My statement had nothing to do with pride, but as you seem to see me as this giddy, immature, and mindless xOW with low self-esteem (I'm trying very hard not to laugh at that) you saw it as a proud statement. If you want me to validate any further points you try to make with me I'd challenge you to go back and read the post in question again. I clearly backed up the point that some MM stay home but don't love their W, love someone outside the home, and continue to live the façade while others (like me) have moved on. I also sated that I did not acknowledge the bouquet because I was disgusted by it, angered even, and it almost ruined a perfectly good day because I almost called the new guy I'm seeing and thanked him for it. I was angered that xMM couldn't respect the new boundaries, which you seem to preach often, when its over now.

 

I'm not going to engage on the other things you stated. You clearly lump all groups into cookie-cutter baskets and don't see individuals on the spectrum. That can't be healthy for you.

Edited March 12, 2013 by White Flower
Typo

[cocorico]

The wife at home already realized the cheating MM is pathetic so MM does not get validation at home.

 

 

Interesting notion. So a serial BW who experiences 20 DDays but continues to beg her WH to return each time he leaves "has already realised he is pathetic", has she? Then why would she be begging him to return? And surely all that begging is validation for the MM - much more so than being told by an OW that she has moved on, and he should stop bugging her and devote his attentions to his BW?

 

I'm afraid you're not making much sense here.

[Pierre]

Interesting notion. So a serial BW who experiences 20 DDays but continues to beg her WH to return each time he leaves "has already realised he is pathetic", has she? Then why would she be begging him to return? And surely all that begging is validation for the MM - much more so than being told by an OW that she has moved on, and he should stop bugging her and devote his attentions to his BW?

 

I'm afraid you're not making much sense here.

 

Coco:

 

It is not rocket science. BTW, no need for straw men. I get your viewpoint.

 

Relationships get old and men and women cannot impressed each other as well as in the beginning. That is all.

 

And yes a BW that takes back a cheater over and over again is not a whole lot different than the OW that waits in the wings for a perennial cake eater. I actually agree with you on this one.

[Pierre]

I did not acknowledge the bouquet because I was disgusted by it, angered even, and it almost ruined a perfectly good day

 

That is how women with a healthy self esteem react to cheating men.

 

Good for you!

[cocorico]

NO the pathetic part is sneaking around and lying and hurting an innocent person. The pathetic part is not holding up your part of the household while running around lying and playing with an affair person. The pathetic part is thinking you have an all encompassing love when that love is going home to a whole other life. If you fall in love with another you do not lie. You don't cheat and cake eat and hurt everyone in the process. You live an honest life. Anything else is pathetic.

 

Yep, it's really honest pretending on FB that your life is just great, and your M is wonderful, when your H is pining for his true love, twisting himself in knots trying to get his attention, looking tortured if he's ever photographed near you.. With all your friends and family knowing the truth, and many of them wanting nothing more to do with you because you won't face up to the truth. The very epitome of honesty, I'd call that...

[cocorico]

Coco:

 

It is not rocket science. BTW, no need for straw men. I get your viewpoint.

 

Relationships get old and men and women cannot impressed each other as well as in the beginning. That is all.

 

And yes a BW that takes back a cheater over and over again is not a whole lot different than the OW that waits in the wings for a perennial cake eater. I actually agree with you on this one.

 

There were no straw men. I was describing a real life scenario.

 

Which is no doubt deeply validating to the MM in question, and much more of a fix than being sent packing by the OW he's still carrying a torch for.

[cocorico]

Stable family and a respect for marriage so you fell in love with another and LEFT your marriage. You did not play the triangualr game.

 

As to caing about the wife she doesn't know. In his mind he is not hurting her because she will never find out (general she) but the ow knows and is in pain every night as he goes home. He knows his paramour is in pain knowing about the triangle he thinks his wife is naively protected from that pain.

 

After 20 DDays, how could she possibly "not know"?? Of course he knows he was hurting her!

[cocorico]

Are there 20 Ddays in EVERY A?

 

Of course not! There were 20 DDays in the A I was referring to in that post. Many As (evidence suggests most) have no DDays at all.

[Pierre]

But this thread is about "common themes" as the title indicates. 20 D Days does NOT a "common theme" make.

 

The clear common theme is the desired to be loved.

[cocorico]

But this thread is about "common themes" as the title indicates. 20 D Days does NOT a "common theme" make.

 

If by "common", the intention is "every", then no, it's not a "common" theme. If by " common" the intention is " many", then quite possibly it is.

 

"Desire to be loved" may be "common" in the sense of many, but it is certainly far from *all*.

[Quiet Storm]

The common theme is the desire to be loved, but I think it goes beyond that.

 

Most people have a desire to be loved.

 

Here is my theory.

 

Childhood. Were you loved unconditionally? Were both parents positive influences in your life? Did you ever feel abandoned, neglected or abused by either parent? Did you experience trauma, such as physical or sexual abuse? Were you bullied by siblings or classmates, if so did your parents/teachers take steps to protect you? Did you have an alcoholic or addict parent? Did you have a parent that was dishonest, unfaithful, criminal?

 

It is apparent that many people feel that their childhood has no bearing on their actions. People don't like to blame their parents, because they often feel their parents did the best they could. The fact is, like it or not, our childhood shapes us. Even things that we don't remember from childhood shape us.

 

In dysfunctional families, we develop defense mechanisms to deal with our pain as children, because the truth is too hard for our immature minds to process. Our alcoholic dad is yelling & screaming because he had a bad day. Dad still loves us but never takes us on his weekends because he's busy with work (or his new family). Mom is nice one day and hits us the next day because she's stressed out. Uncle Rob is touching my legs because he thinks I'm special & pretty. You get the picture.

 

These types of families do not usually have good models that teach coping skills. Problems in the family are usually hidden or ignored. There is not much open, honest discussion about resolving problems. No plans, no procedures, blurred boundaries. There are usually a lot of excuses offerred for bad parental behavior, and these trickle down to the kids. The kids need to feel loved, and they cannot cope with the fact that the people that are supposed to love them, treat them in ways that are not loving. The kids use excuses to make sense of it. They minimize the bad behavior and focus on the good. They NEED their parents to love them unconditionally, so they rationalize away, and they minimize, the unloving actions. They pretend their family is normal, and their young minds are often filled with dreams & wishes of a happy, smiling family.

 

These methods that kids develop to cope don't disappear at age 18. You don't magically mature into a emotionally healthy adult with good coping skills. You need good models or a good counselor for that. So you keep using those same coping skills. You don't do this consiously. You don't recognize that the skills you used to protect your fragile mind as a child, have now turned into an unhealthy pattern of thinking & coping.

 

So you end up with an adult that was not loved unconditionally, who is still subconsciously seeking that love, affirmation, validation & emotional support that they were robbed of as a child. Imagine if parenthood had a checklist of tasks to create an emotionally healthy adult. Imagine that the "showing your child unconditional love" task never gets completed. This results in an emptiness, and a subconsious longing for that unconditional love. And as adults, we subconsciously seek ways for that missing piece of development that was so vitally important, to be resolved.

 

This is why I think many OW find the love and attention of a married man so validating. They have been conditioned in childhood to be perpetually disappointed by those that claim to love them. They may logically know that they deserve more (like they did as a child, wishing & dreaming), but they fall back into the same patterns of making excuses. He loves me, he just doesn't want to hurt his kids. He loves me, he's just confused & afraid to change. He's trapped & misunderstood. But he loves me, that's what matters. The same pattern of ignoring hurtful behavior, focusing on the good.

 

Children have no way out. They are stuck in that dysfunctional way of life. They don't have an option, so they become very resigned to their circumstances. They twist & turn their reality in ways to make it seem not so bad. They have to, they have no choice. They make it work, they have no other options.

 

As adults, we have choices. A married man might flirt with us, and we can decide not to engage. But what happes if we are weak & vulnerable to love and attention? Those patterns developed as a child, cause that attention to feel very validating. He is risking their marriage and life to talk to me. He is interested in me. He thinks about me. He cares what I am thinking about. He cares about what I did today. He cares about what I'm going to do tomorrow. He feels a connection with me.

 

Someone with a strong sense of self, someone that loves and takes care of themselves (because they were loved and cared for as children), are less likely to feel flattered by this attention. Their thought process would be along the lines of , so what if some married dude feels a connection with me? WTF? Some married guy is thinking about me, big whoop! Go talk to your wife, loser! You got issues, man! Inner thoughts: STAY AWAY, DUDE'S BAD NEWS! These feelings come in because your loving parents instilled something in you. You know you are worthy of more. You don't need that kind of love. You love yourself. You protect yourself. You keep yourself out of harmful situations and away from shady people. You act towards yourself the way a protective parent would act towards their child.

 

So I think experiences in childhood play a huge part.

 

It affects the way a perceives love & attention and how that love & attention makes them feel. This is what sucks the OW in. The feelings. Feeling loved, wanted, desired.

 

Once she is involved, the coping mechanisms from childhood keep her there. There seems to be so much rationalizing of MM's behavior. Minimizing the wife, maximizing the good. Ignoring his home life. Making assumptions. Projecting your wishes onto his feelings. Believing lies. Pushing down those thoughts. Burying the pain. Disregarding what doesn't make sense. Wishing, dreaming of better circumstances.

 

And finally, the resignation. Just like a child that has no choices, they seem to feel resigned to accept whatever comes their way. The love is that valuable. Disappointment is not a new & scary feeling...they've been conditioned to expect it. Waiting for him to leave his wife? No sweat. They've waited their whole life for someone to love them like this.

 

I feel that these reasons often apply to OW, but also to BW that continually accept unloving behavior from her husband.

 

I apologize for the length, but I felt I had to really elaborate in order for this to resonate to those that it may help.

Edited March 12, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[wisernow]

The common theme is the desire to be loved, but I think it goes beyond that.

 

Most people have a desire to be loved.

 

Here is my theory.

 

Childhood. Were you loved unconditionally? Were both parents positive influences in your life? Did you ever feel abandoned, neglected or abused by either parent? Did you experience trauma, such as physical or sexual abuse? Were you bullied by siblings or classmates, if so did your parents/teachers take steps to protect you? Did you have an alcoholic or addict parent? Did you have a parent that was dishonest, unfaithful, criminal?

 

It is apparent that many people feel that their childhood has no bearing on their actions. People don't like to blame their parents, because they often feel their parents did the best they could. The fact is, like it or not, our childhood shapes us. Even things that we don't remember from childhood shape us.

 

In dysfunctional families, we develop defense mechanisms to deal with our pain as children, because the truth is too hard for our immature minds to process. Our alcoholic dad is yelling & screaming because he had a bad day. Dad still loves us but never takes us on his weekends because he's busy with work (or his new family). Mom is nice one day and hits us the next day because she's stressed out. Uncle Rob is touching my legs because he thinks I'm special & pretty. You get the picture.

 

These types of families do not usually have good models that teach coping skills. Problems in the family are usually hidden or ignored. There is not much open, honest discussion about resolving problems. No plans, no procedures, blurred boundaries. There are usually a lot of excuses offerred for bad parental behavior, and these trickle down to the kids. The kids need to feel loved, and they cannot cope with the fact that the people that are supposed to love them, treat them in ways that are not loving. The kids use excuses to make sense of it. They minimize the bad behavior and focus on the good. They NEED their parents to love them unconditionally, so they rationalize away, and they minimize, the unloving actions. They pretend their family is normal, and their young minds are often filled with dreams & wishes of a happy, smiling family.

 

These methods that kids develop to cope don't disappear at age 18. You don't magically mature into a emotionally healthy adult with good coping skills. You need good models or a good counselor for that. So you keep using those same coping skills. You don't do this consiously. You don't recognize that the skills you used to protect your fragile mind as a child, have now turned into an unhealthy pattern of thinking & coping.

 

So you end up with an adult that was not loved unconditionally, who is still subconsciously seeking that love, affirmation, validation & emotional support that they were robbed of as a child. Imagine if parenthood had a checklist of tasks to create an emotionally healthy adult. Imagine that the "showing your child unconditional love" task never gets completed. This results in an emptiness, and a subconsious longing for that unconditional love. And as adults, we subconsciously seek ways for that missing piece of development that was so vitally important, to be resolved.

 

This is why I think many OW find the love and attention of a married man so validating. They have been conditioned in childhood to be perpetually disappointed by those that claim to love them. They may logically know that they deserve more (like they did as a child, wishing & dreaming), but they fall back into the same patterns of making excuses. He loves me, he just doesn't want to hurt his kids. He loves me, he's just confused & afraid to change. He's trapped & misunderstood. But he loves me, that's what matters. The same pattern of ignoring hurtful behavior, focusing on the good.

 

Children have no way out. They are stuck in that dysfunctional way of life. They don't have an option, so they become very resigned to their circumstances. They twist & turn their reality in ways to make it seem not so bad. They have to, they have no choice. They make it work, they have no other options.

 

As adults, we have choices. A married man might flirt with us, and we can decide not to engage. But what happes if we are weak & vulnerable to love and attention? Those patterns developed as a child, cause that attention to feel very validating. He is risking their marriage and life to talk to me. He is interested in me. He thinks about me. He cares what I am thinking about. He cares about what I did today. He cares about what I'm going to do tomorrow. He feels a connection with me.

 

Someone with a strong sense of self, someone that loves and takes care of themselves (because they were loved and cared for as children), are less likely to feel flattered by this attention. Their thought process would be along the lines of , so what if some married dude feels a connection with me? WTF? Some married guy is thinking about me, big whoop! Go talk to your wife, loser! You got issues, man! Inner thoughts: STAY AWAY, DUDE'S BAD NEWS! These feelings come in because your loving parents instilled something in you. You know you are worthy of more. You don't need that kind of love. You love yourself. You protect yourself. You keep yourself out of harmful situations and away from shady people. You act towards yourself the way a protective parent would act towards their child.

 

So I think experiences in childhood play a huge part.

 

It affects the way a perceives love & attention and how that love & attention makes them feel. This is what sucks the OW in. The feelings. Feeling loved, wanted, desired.

 

Once she is involved, the coping mechanisms from childhood keep her there. There seems to be so much rationalizing of MM's behavior. Minimizing the wife, maximizing the good. Ignoring his home life. Making assumptions. Projecting your wishes onto his feelings. Believing lies. Pushing down those thoughts. Burying the pain. Disregarding what doesn't make sense. Wishing, dreaming of better circumstances.

 

And finally, the resignation. Just like a child that has no choices, they seem to feel resigned to accept whatever comes their way. The love is that valuable. Disappointment is not a new & scary feeling...they've been conditioned to expect it. Waiting for him to leave his wife? No sweat. They've waited their whole life for someone to love them like this.

 

I feel that these reasons often apply to OW, but also to BW that continually accept unloving behavior from her husband.

 

I apologize for the length, but I felt I had to really elaborate in order for this to resonate to those that it may help.

 

Wow! I'm blown away by this. Now, you should be a therapist! (perhaps you are, or have missed your calling). There is so much truth in this for me, especially the much younger version of me. Thank you, thank you.