Separation gone array...Confused!!!!

[Idontknowanymore]

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I need major help and/or advise before I go crazy. I hope someone can help. OK, here is the story...

 

My wife and I have been married for 4 1/2 years, been together six. She has a son from a previous relationship that lasted until he found out that she was pregnant. I have known her for a couple of years before that (I met her through her mother that I used to work with at the time), and I always wanted to date her and then I asked her out on a date when her son was about a year old. After 10 months of dating, we moved in together and about 6 months later we found out that she was pregnant. We were both happy. She has always hinted around at the "marriage" question since we moved in but wasn't pressing it beacause she wanted to be sure as did I that the person we were going to marry, it was going to be IT! I was going to propose to her anyway but the "news" brought up the date of asking her to marry me from Valentine's Day to Christmas.

 

She has been after me for the past few years to get our finances straightened out and to go to marrige counseling but I kept saying that the finances would get better because of "this" and "that"- never happened. I refused to go to counseling because I kept saying that we don't need anyone telling us how to run our life. I took the emotional aspect of this relationship for granted. I got confortable.

 

Long story short. July 18th, we have a talk about EVERYTHING and it was decided that if one of us could afford it, we would separate for awhile and see what happens. We decided that we loved each other but were not "in love" with other anymore. That day she flipped the emotional switch to OFF with me. She put up this wall that if I even talk to her about anything with the relationship, she gets angry. I came to terms with what actually was going on here and sought out counseling. I have (after a few visits) come to REALIZATION of what I was blind too. It was like everything opened my mind to the person I used to be before and while we dated. I decided that I would move out on the 1st of September because I wanted to give her that space and time that she requested. She has been "confiding" in a co-worker, (she works at the same place that I used to when we met) and I know the guy. He is married with two children. She says he is just someone to talk to and a "neutral" third party. Then one day I start getting copies via enail of the text messages that she sends him. I wasn't looking for the emails, I setup the computer last year when I had my business to send me copies via email and I forgat until I started recieving them again. TOTAL SHOCK!!!She would tell him good morning and that she missed him and was thinking of him, etc. etc. I set back and let them come in to figure out what was happening. I finally could'nt tkae it anymore and approched it with her on Aug. 27th. She was shocked. Since then she feels that I am "stalking" her out and she has even gone throught the computer looking for "ccokies". I moved into my apt. this weekend and she is completly different since I told her that I got the keys. We would have the boys every other week and I asked her if she wanted to see the place and she said "Not Really". How am I supposed to take this.

 

Here is the question. She keeps acting and doing things as if we were getting a divorce, meaning everything with the house so on and so on including actions. But when I bring something up about it she says to stop thinking about it and we just have to see. Easy for her to say, she has her parents, a friend from the PTA, and Jason to talk to. I have my best friend and a "counseler". Her parents are acting two-faced and are already acting like we are getting a divorce. I am going insane here. If any of this sounds confusing, I'm sorry but I have NO IDEA WHICH WAY TO GO.

1. Hold on, or

2. Let go.

 

If I start going out to meet people that might give the impression that I have let go and now she can cut the string or she might actually snap out of "blinders" that I used to have on and realize something......

 

HELP!!!

 

Thank you.

[randymac]

Your situation sounds exactly like mine!!! WOW!!! A little different but not much. It's been 5 mopnths since me and my wife seperated. And there has been lots of influence from the parents and friends. I too took a lot for granted and sought councilling only after we split because I thought the same as you while we were together. i don't think after the 5 moths apart that we'll reconcile. I think that when enough time passes they get used to you not being there and the thought of someone new or a different life is more than tempting. Especially if they weren't happy before. Hang in there man!!!

[Quilly]

Your wife is obviously having an affair. Did she not admit to this after you confronted her with the text messages? Either way, it sounds like she has emotionally checked out of the marriage. In all likelihood she has already decided she wants a divorce but just isn't telling you to avoid any further difficulties until she can get everything in order.

 

As for dating... if she is openly admitting to seeing someone else then why shouldn't you give it a try too. However, if she is denying it, then it would seem best to hold off. Plus, if she has another man in her life, it probably wouldn't do much to change her mind anyways. Of course, I base all of this on my own personal experience... so take it for what it's worth. Good luck.

[SoleMate]

Please check out the book Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis, and <URL removed> as well.

 

Although there are clearly problems, I don't think your situation is hopeless. Sounds like you want this marriage to last...true? If so, you need to work for it. Just the same way you had to work to earn money to buy that truck you wanted.

 

I refused to go to counseling because I kept saying that we don't need anyone telling us how to run our life.

That was a mistake. A good counselor does not "tell you how to run your life"; he/she helps you examine your own ideas and behaviors and modify them to meet your goals. He/she also can provide information about common problems in marriage and easy workarounds.

 

Just imagine...

 

"I refused to get our car checked out because I kept saying that we don't need anyone telling us how to service our vehicles."

 

"I refused to have the furnace inspected because I kept saying that we don't need anyone telling us how to burn our fuel."

 

"I refused to have our taxes professionally done because I kept saying that we don't need anyone telling us how to file our paperwork."

 

What's the REAL reason you did not want to discuss relationship issues with your wife with the assistance of an experienced professional?

 

And what do you think it meant to her to hear that you would not work on the one issue that was driving her crazy? I can tell you - it hurt, angered, and frustrated her. And yes, although she would rather have gotten sympathy from you, you weren't offering any, so she found a convenient male shoulder and attached ear that gave her what she needed.

 

I recommend FORGETTING the coworker. I don't know if there is an affair going on there, and frankly, I don't think it really matters. What does matter is for you to understand that from being her husband and the father of her two children (yes, I understand one is bio and one not), you are in a position of strength. I doubt if she wants to turn her life upside down. You must make the right moves, however. Act in a way that shows her - NICELY - of how good life can be with you. And do your best to be twice as sympathetic as Mr. Married Man Coworker. I'm sure that deep down she sees him for what he really is, anyhow. It's highly unlikely that whatever they may be doing has the same value for her as the inetgrity of her family unit with you.

 

Most men make similar mistakes to yours. Obsessed with whether the wife may have gotten horizontal with some other male, yet oblivious to the degree in which your marriage was failing to meet your wife's most important emotional needs. And even more oblivious to what you can do RIGHT NOW to start showing her how you can and will meet those needs, even better in the future.

 

The side benefit: While discussing how to meet her needs better, you also get to bring up your OWN needs and work on getting them met by her. It's a win-win situation.

 

it sounds like she has emotionally checked out of the marriage. In all likelihood she has already decided she wants a divorce but just isn't telling you to avoid any further difficulties until she can get everything in order.

That may be true, but it is far from certain. I would not jump to such a conclusion about an important matter without doing some further work. And I DON'T mean any kind of snooping or surveillance. Men seem to think that this builds and strengthens relationships, and helps people make good decisions. It doesn't.