wife undecided about reuniting, new person involved

[persistantecho]

Sigh...OK. where to begin? I am going through something heavy. It weighs me down. I am an alcoholic /pill addict. I've been sober nearly a year. While on my last hoorah I had a black out. I beat the living daylight out of my wife. I believed she was an intruder at one of my patient's. Long story short, I had a 2 1/2 years affair out of a 4 1/2 years marriage, not proud of it, and the most intense need for a crutch to cover up my guilt and shame. I sobered up, spent 4 1/2 months in rehab, 5 months in intensive outpatient therapy, I was doing AA, Step Down outpatient therapy and individual therapy. The whole time I was a living amends to my wife. I apologized, provided all monetary support, was an excellent sounding board, got her domestic violence group therapy and encouraged Al-Anon. I moved out of our home when she started saying she needed space to find herself w the understanding that we would work on ourselves and reunite soon again. I had only been out of rehab a week. So we had already been apart physically for 5 months. That was in October 2012. She stopped getting all help and has become frigid. She went from visiting every visitation at rehab to zero emotional intimacy or emotional availability . I've asked if we needed To completely make a clean break but she says she scared of losing me. So I'm stuck. She won't make a decision and it's been nearly a year since we separated when I went to rehab. I finally told her I was tired of trying so hard I.e. texts, emails, calls, visits, all initiated by me. Most calls and texts go unanswered for hours or a day or two. It's almost like she cannot accept that I have done a complete turn around. I asked if we were dating other people, she said no. I obliged. Finally a month ago, I started talking to a woman who shows me respect, reciprocates and really is positive and healthy. Problem is, she moved in as my roommate but now we have this connection. We are both aware of my situation and she tells me that she'll be my friend no matter what if we cannot be together. I really miss my wife but the more time I spend with this new roommate the more I appreciate how positive, understanding and respectful she is. I don't know what to do so I asked my wife for a period of no contact for three weeks. At the end of those three weeks we're supposed to date for two weeks and see if we can reconnect... if not I file to dissolve the marriage 5/21/13. The last day before it turns into having to file for divorce. I need some ideas, thoughts...whatever you guys have...

[Darren Steez]

This relationship is so broken, not withstanding the addictions and the abuse, unfaithful for most of the marriage.. let her go.

[Mack05]

You are not in a position to be in a healthy relationship with anyone right now. I would for sure leave your wife go and not get involved with the new girl.

 

I know you won't heed that advice though..Not sure that you are strong enough to be on your own. If that is the case, all you do is drag others down into your mess (doesn't matter how good your intention are).

 

That is not fair.

[2.50 a gallon]

It is evident that your wife is not putting in much of and effort, which is understandable.

 

As for your friend, as long as they know what is what, accept whatever help you can get

[persistantecho]

I have been on my own. I was not meaning to find something to start up but it did. Through little effort it began w the new girl. I resisted it for two months until my counselor asked me why I was still punishing myself and not accepting love. So I have taken things very slowly and not made promises or commitments besides friendship. I can u understand the way it looks. My reality is that I communicate very well with all the parties involved. No one's getting the wool pulled over their eyes.

[Mack05]

No one's getting the wool pulled over their eyes.

 

That's not true, you are...

 

"Fooling people is a serious business, but when you fool yourself it's fatal.."

Edited March 10, 2013 by Mack05

[persistantecho]

I'll take your words w a grain of salt. Maybe it's my HPs way of showing me humor through a rough patch.if I truly didn't want help, I wouldn't ask or be here. So how do you suppose I'm fooling myself besides the obvious?

[Mack05]

I'll take your words w a grain of salt. Maybe it's my HPs way of showing me humor through a rough patch.if I truly didn't want help, I wouldn't ask or be here. So how do you suppose I'm fooling myself besides the obvious?

 

You beat your ex wife senseless and don't remember it! That disgusts me to be honest.

 

You have listed numerous substance abuse issues above. Recovery from these issues takes time..

 

Ok you have made good progress in a year, but need FAR more time before embarking on a new relationship. You need to make sure that you are NEVER going to drink or do drugs again. You need to make sure that you will never hit a woman again.

 

Can you make those guarantees? Cause if you say yes you are kidding yourself. If you say no then you can't be in a relationship...period..

[persistantecho]

I'll start out today with a prayer:

Kindness Prayer

Keep us, O God from closed mindedness, let us

Be large in thought, in word, in deed.

Let us be done with faultfinding, and

Leave off self seeking.

May we put away all pretense and

Meet each other face-to-face, without

Self-pity and without prejudice.

May we never be hasty in our judgement

And always be generous and helpful.

Teach us to put into action our better

Impulses, straightforward and unafraid.

Let us take time for the right things. Make us

Grow clam, serene, and gentle.

Grant that we realize it is the

Little things that create difference,

That in big things in life we are one.

And may we strive to touch and know

The great common heart of us all;

And O God. let us not forget to be kind.

 

I really enjoy this prayer. I came here for advice from others. I learned some important lessons while here in the last week. I learned that others here are soooo hurt by their own journey that belief in recovery, real recovery seems unrealistic. I don't think that I have ever been bashed verbally by another addict for accomplishing recovery and living moment by moment. I ran into a doubtful moment in my life and asked for help as I was taught to do in rehab, group therapy, individual therapy through my hundreds of self help books and by what my soul was wanting out of the situation.

 

Mack, I am sorry that you got hurt. I am sorry you never got complete closure from your exg/f but man, I am not that girl. There is no need to bash me on here. I wanted to take my time with this response. Being in the medical field has always served my natural way of thinking which is that something presents itself and either you know what the ailment is or you figure it out through process of elimination. Same thing with you Mack. I went back and read all your posts, your story so that I could see the "why" behind the "disgust". I wanted to make sure you were not projecting and I was not taking it seriously. I am sure glad I did. A) I found some wonderful references to music, books and some genuine heart felt advise. B) I see how broad the pendulum swings for you. You were really all over the place with your emotions over this chic. But the worth reading portions were when you overcame your trials. I've read all the books you referred to in your posts. They are good reads indeed.

 

I know that finding a resounding amount of peace with my wife in whatever direction it goes in will take a lot of time. In the mean time I have been celibate, meditated, prayed, went jogging, abstained from all temptations pretty much remained safe. You ask if I can guarantee I will never drink or pop pills or hit a woman again. The mere idea is preposterous. No one can make these guarantees. I do not intend on drinking or drugging which leads to blackouts which lead to the confusion and violence. To ask for a guarantee at any point in recovery would be the equivalent of me asking that you guarantee that you will never gamble, gain weight, be codependent, ruin another of your mum's holidays, grovel and plead for closure until the police are notified....you see what I mean? We are all in recovery here. It is my want and goal to never again pick up and to never again strike anyone, be it man or woman.

 

I'm now reading a list of books from my library and I think you would like these books Mack: Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody, Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap-Dr. Weinhold, The Intimacy Factor- Pia Melody, Playing It By Heart- Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go Melody Beattie. Stop Being Mean To Yourself Melody Beattie. They are all excellent reads, jammed packed with information. Also, Melody Beattie is a great website.

 

I made the correct choice that I felt was right for me. I have set a date to dissolve the marriage. My wife is welcome to try to salvage whatever she wants out of the marriage but I am pretty much done carrying around the guilt and shame. As my therapist said, "You cannot carry the burden around that she stayed out of her own choice in this marriage while everything fell apart. You did your part and told her that you were sleeping with someone else and needed to separate because you didn't want to lie to her. She decided to stay. That's her own issue she has to deal with." I am not excusing my behavior at all. What I did was wrong but two wrongs do not make a right. Now is the time that I love myself enough to say "Ok, enough...I have tried and tried to make it work without results. You cannot tell me if you are still in love with me or want the marriage but you don't want me to file for divorce either." That's called having your cake and eating it too. I refuse to be a welcome mat just because I did bad things in the past. I made amends, I make amends every day. So, my flat mate remains just that and my wife has a chance, free will....whatever she wants to make work for a set period of time. After that, I'm filing.

 

Sorry for the length of my rant. Just needed to clarify some things and clear the air.

[Mack05]

No air to be cleared. My opinion (it's only one opinion) is you need to be on your own for the foreseeable future. It really is up to you what you want to do with the advice..

 

We deal with things different but that is ok. I won't be in a relationship again until I know that I will never fall into past negative patterns again. I know just how huge a statement that is. I am 18 months single now. To be honest it could take 18 years. Indeed, I don't ever see myself ever settling down. That is a cross I have to bear. As long as I learn to be happy everyday (and I'm getting there) that is the only ask I will make of myself.

 

I will never bring another human being into my mess again. That is just how I deal with it. That is the advice I will give you from my perspective (the experience I have gained from the paths that I have chosen). That is why LS is great, you get more the one perspective. You just need to pick the one that works for you.

 

You seem to have done a lot of work on self improvement. Good for you. I just hope you never lay a finger on a woman again. If you do that and go on to lead a happy peaceful life then kudos to you.

Edited March 13, 2013 by Mack05

[persistantecho]

Mack, u snd like a great guy. I know it's scary but not finding love again on purpose isn't healthy either.I've been single a year in separated status. I wish you much positivity and self love (first requirement before you can love some else), inner peace and the ability to forgive urself not just saying u have. Good luck mate!

[Trimmer]

I learned some important lessons while here in the last week. I learned that others here are soooo hurt by their own journey that belief in recovery, real recovery seems unrealistic.

Just to be clear, I mean this gently, and not sarcastically: Do you suppose that this lesson is one that you may need to apply in order to understand your wife's ambivalence about staying in your marriage? How she could be afraid of losing you, but afraid of having you, all at the same time? How she could be just as "stuck", in her own way, as you mention that you are in your first post?

Edited March 14, 2013 by Trimmer

[persistantecho]

Just to be clear, I mean this gently, and not sarcastically: Do you suppose that this lesson is one that you may need to apply in order to understand your wife's ambivalence about staying in your marriage? How she could be afraid of losing you, but afraid of having you, all at the same time? How she could be just as "stuck", in her own way, as you mention that you are in your first post?

 

It's been a wonderful journey. I got so much out of the suffering. I know this sounds backwards. I'm learning how to become unstuck and have enough self compassion to forgive myself in order to move on. I was reading last night a book I am so grateful for; The Intimacy Factor by Piano Melody. It talks about how when we addicts were in the full swing of addiction we were much easier to handle. Here, I'll quote it-

"It's easier dealing w the drunk you know than the sober human you don't. I was capable of handling u when u were out if control, but now that you are getting a grip on things, there may not be any need room care for, ameliorate, and deny the actions of an alcoholic, the caretaker may lose touch, not only w humanity of the drunkard but his or her own."

 

Thanks to Mack I found the book isn't breaking the addiction to a person and how to get over it. That book will be next. I'm learning to be a better person to myself, to have enough self respect and self love to detach from her w love.

Sorry for the typos. I'm doing all this via my mobile.