She lucid dreams about REAL PEOPLE.

[LonelyInsomniac]

My girlfriend is a hobbyist lucid dreamer. Lucid dreaming is a technique for taking control of your dreams, and being an active participant in them. The appeal of it is that the sensations are very, very real.

 

When we weren't committed to each other, she talked often about her sexual lucid dreams - people on the bus, mostly. This made sex with her significantly less appealing to me.

 

The mention of lucid dreams in a sexual context stopped as things started getting heavier, thankfully. It hadn't come up explicitly since we'd been exclusive, so, feeling safe in that department, I made a lighthearted joke about what I thought was the past. I assumed since now she had someone real to have sex with... that it was filling the void.

 

It isn't.

 

She's having sexually simulated fantasies about people she could feasibly reach out and touch. It would be different if it were celebrities, or fictional people, or voyeurism. If it wasn't about people she could get to know, or her best friend whom she still seems to have a minor crush on, or if it wasn't so real to her - she's described it as having sex with other people in a world with no consequences.

 

I'm going to address this with her. Her intent has never been to harm me - she's been very honest with me, and I appreciate that. I need that. I'm in love with this woman. It's an otherwise healthy relationship. She's still very clearly attracted to me, and she cares about me deeply - and visa versa.

 

But I feel so violated, and I feel bad for feeling so violated when she trusted me enough to say this. I haven't been able to stop thinking about this since yesterday. It reminds me of the many, many people who have cheated on me - all but two exes, all of whom also had a lot of fantasies about other people. Am I overreacting? Am I wrong to feel this way?

[anna121]

Wow - what a fascinating problem.

 

I can totally understand why you are upset. I would be, too.

 

I don't personally consider this "cheating". But it makes you unhappy and that should concern her. When you talk to her, I would focus on that and see where it takes you.

[Feelin Frisky]

This is a role reversal of the familiar tale on LS of women taking it personal that their male counterparts avail themselves privately of a lot of porn. The porn isn't the issue, it's the leaking out of of persons fantasy life into view of their partner where it is taken as a personal inferrence of a shortfall on their part. The brain is the primary organ of sex not the genetals--a healthy hormonal level drives a sexually imaginative libido which IMO one does wrong to repress and force to just addressing involvement of only sex with the partner. It only matters if we're faithful to each other and considerate but there is nothing healthy about owning each other's brain. If he disclosures bother you tell her so, but accept that she has a capacity she likes to indulge that is really not your business. It's not an insult to you--it should be her fantasy life kept courteously to herself (just like dudes would do well not to leave an audit trail around of their use of porn).

[GSB81]

Damn, if it were regular dreams about her banging these guys I'd just be a little worried, but since she's actively triggering these dreams I would be pretty pissed. Especially about her dreaming of her friend. This is one step above her simply having naughty fantasies. What I don't get is her thinking this wouldn't bother you to know about. I'm all about coming up with creative ways to get people's attention in situations like this. Sometimes the best way to get through to someone who is being inconsiderate is to mirror their behavior. You'd be amazed how some respond to a taste of their own medicine. I did this recently and the girl said "well at least I don't mean to be cruel, you did that on purpose!"

 

Anyway, told you that to tell you this. If you talk to her about this and she dismisses your feelings... There are a few things you can do to get her attention, if you choose to stay with her.

 

1. Start watching porn and make sure she knows about it. If it's ok for her to have lucid dream sex romps with guys she's knows, it should be ok for you to watch porn. Right?

 

2. Call her by another name during sex. Make sure it's a female friends of yours name. When she calls you on it, and she will, admit that you were fantasizing about this other woman, look her right in the eye and ask her if it bothers her.

 

3. When you know she's awake, pretend to start talking in your sleep. Guess what you're gonna talk about, see above.

 

 

Off course this crap might not work, but it could show her a little bit of what it's like to be on the other side of the issue. Good luck and have fun with it.

[GSB81]

This is a role reversal of the familiar tale on LS of women taking it personal that their male counterparts avail themselves privately of a lot of porn. The porn isn't the issue, it's the leaking out of of persons fantasy life into view of their partner where it is taken as a personal inferrence of a shortfall on their part. The brain is the primary organ of sex not the genetals--a healthy hormonal level drives a sexually imaginative libido which IMO one does wrong to repress and force to just addressing involvement of only sex with the partner. It only matters if we're faithful to each other and considerate but there is nothing healthy about owning each other's brain. If he disclosures bother you tell her so, but accept that she has a capacity she likes to indulge that is really not your business. It's not an insult to you--it should be her fantasy life kept courteously to herself (just like dudes would do well not to leave an audit trail around of their use of porn).

 

 

Considering the fact that these fantasies are about guys she actually knows, don't you think the issue is a bit more serious than a guy who watches porn when his wife isn't around? I don't think fantasy should be dismissed so quickly. What if OP was a female who found out that her husband or boyfriend was having lucid dreams of the pedophile nature? Would you tell her it's none of her business that he likes to indulge in this fantasy? Your initial response to this is probably something along the lines of "no because the sick bastard is likely to at some point act on these fantasies." To which I would reply "Exactly."

[nonameforme]

I'm going to take a little bit of a different stance than others here and ask a simple question--do you trust your girlfriend? If she is honest, not deceptive and has never done anything to betray your trust, then I would probably just make the choice not to "go there" with the conversations. I know what she told you is upsetting and disturbing, and I understand why it's unsettling to you, but if it's only in her fantasies (which is what it sounds like to me), maybe it's better off if you don't get into the nitty gritty. It would be like me asking my husband if he has ever pleasured himself while thinking of a woman we both know. I'm sure it has happened, but I truly don't believe it necessarily means anything hinky is going on. And I don't want to know about it because I know I would be feeling the same way you are. It's not a good feeling, and I'm sorry you are going through it.

In a perfect world, your mate would think and dream only of you in a sexual way. And likewise, you would think only of her in a sexual way. But we are all human beings and we're not perfect. Maybe her lucid dreams are her outlet, the thing that is pleasurable AND keeps her from acting out on anything that would not be on the up and up.

Maybe I will get slammed for this opinion, but I would ask anyone who disagrees whether or not they have ever thought of another "real" person in their fantasies while in a committed relationship. Sorry, I think it's just part of being human and doesn't mean there is a correlation between that and actual cheating. Now, if you were to say that she has lied to you about her whereabouts and who she was with, then I would be concerned.

Personally, I think the fact that she shared this with you indicates that she is honest. Maybe I'm in the minority, but I don't know if it is an obligation (or even very wise) to tell your partner what your imaginary fantasies are that don't involve them. It just leads to hurt feelings, insecurities and these other things you are now feeling.

[nonameforme]

. . . . .The brain is the primary organ of sex not the genetals--a healthy hormonal level drives a sexually imaginative libido which IMO one does wrong to repress and force to just addressing involvement of only sex with the partner. It only matters if we're faithful to each other and considerate but there is nothing healthy about owning each other's brain. If he disclosures bother you tell her so, but accept that she has a capacity she likes to indulge that is really not your business. It's not an insult to you--it should be her fantasy life kept courteously to herself (just like dudes would do well not to leave an audit trail around of their use of porn).

 

I completely agree with this - my partner does not own my brain and I do think there are some things that you have a right to keep private (as well as things he would not want to share with me). As long as both people are honest and truthful in their real lives, that is all that should really matter.

I think OP and his girlfriend should not discuss these things any further, other than perhaps for him to tell her that he's not comfortable hearing about it. We all have our right to what is contained within the organ between our ears as long as we are not hurting anybody. The end.

[nonameforme]

Considering the fact that these fantasies are about guys she actually knows, don't you think the issue is a bit more serious than a guy who watches porn when his wife isn't around? I don't think fantasy should be dismissed so quickly. What if OP was a female who found out that her husband or boyfriend was having lucid dreams of the pedophile nature? Would you tell her it's none of her business that he likes to indulge in this fantasy? Your initial response to this is probably something along the lines of "no because the sick bastard is likely to at some point act on these fantasies." To which I would reply "Exactly."

 

I respectfully disagree with you, GSB81. Comparing a healthy "normal" sexual fantasy to a pedophile is not the same type of thing! One scenario involves two consenting adults, and the other involves someone horrifically violating a child. Not remotely similar in my opinion!

The only reason the OP should be worried is if his girlfriend is showing signs that she is acting out on the fantasy - lying, being deceptive, etc. I would probably warn OP's girlfriend to evaluate if this person she knows is a true threat to her relationship (which only she can answer), and if so, she needs to back away from him in real life. But otherwise, she probably should just keep mum about her naughty little dreams that don't involve OP.

Edited March 10, 2013 by nonameforme
typo

[camillalev]

This is a role reversal of the familiar tale on LS of women taking it personal that their male counterparts avail themselves privately of a lot of porn. The porn isn't the issue, it's the leaking out of of persons fantasy life into view of their partner where it is taken as a personal inferrence of a shortfall on their part. The brain is the primary organ of sex not the genetals--a healthy hormonal level drives a sexually imaginative libido which IMO one does wrong to repress and force to just addressing involvement of only sex with the partner. It only matters if we're faithful to each other and considerate but there is nothing healthy about owning each other's brain. If he disclosures bother you tell her so, but accept that she has a capacity she likes to indulge that is really not your business. It's not an insult to you--it should be her fantasy life kept courteously to herself (just like dudes would do well not to leave an audit trail around of their use of porn).

 

I agree with Feelin Frisky. These are here fantasies, that's it. Do you know how many women also fantasize about rape? yet they would never want such a thing to happen in real life. I've had 'on the bus' type fantasies as well while jilling off, but if a guy IRL were to try to touch me I would be knock him the F down. Also, uh, how many guys do you know who jerk-off to women they know in real-life? Pretty much every hot-blooded, straight male on the planet.

 

I think the real problem isn't that she's fantasizing about these guys, it's that you've been cheated on in the past and you're feeling insecure, you worry she will turn her fantasies into realities and cheat on you. If she loves you, she wants no one but you. Maybe bring it up to her, tell her how you feel if it's something that will severely effect the R. However, I agree with some of the people on this thread when they say you can't own someone's mind.

 

Also GSB81 advice is sh*t. Yell someone else's name out during sex? that will for sure be the beginning of the end. Don't play games.

Edited March 10, 2013 by camillalev

[aed]

Girls,

 

why do you always minimize the things a gf does in a thread. she is activictly dreaming about a guy she is hanging out with.... This is a problem why doesn't she have active dreams about her bf?

 

This could be a huge redflag (and yes she can take it underground!) But it is stil a redflag.

 

Of course no nobody ownes your brain, like nobody owns your gentiatals but directing them willing to an other direction sexual can be just as bad.

 

No one has the right to forbid you anything, but loyalty and honest and not cheating is are basic agrements people have in a R. When people stepout it is there choice, but minimazing those things when the other gets hurt by your own action is a lack of empathy.

[aed]

I agree with Feelin Frisky. These are here fantasies, that's it. Do you know how many women also fantasize about rape? yet they would never want such a thing to happen in real life. I've had 'on the bus' type fantasies as well while jilling off, but if a guy IRL were to try to touch me I would be knock him the F down. Also, uh, how many guys do you know who jerk-off to women they know in real-life? Pretty much every hot-blooded, straight male on the planet.

 

I think the real problem isn't that she's fantasizing about these guys, it's that you've been cheated on in the past and you're feeling insecure, you worry she will turn her fantasies into realities and cheat on you. If she loves you, she wants no one but you. Maybe bring it up to her, tell her how you feel if it's something that will severely effect the R. However, I agree with some of the people on this thread when they say you can't own someone's mind.

 

Also GSB81 advice is sh*t. Yell someone else's name out during sex? that will for sure be the beginning of the end. Don't play games.

 

 

A rape fantasy is something different, because it is about being completly dominated. So what is the meaning of those fantasies?

[nonameforme]

Girls,

 

why do you always minimize the things a gf does in a thread. she is activictly dreaming about a guy she is hanging out with.... This is a problem why doesn't she have active dreams about her bf?

 

This could be a huge redflag (and yes she can take it underground!) But it is stil a redflag.

 

Of course no nobody ownes your brain, like nobody owns your gentiatals but directing them willing to an other direction sexual can be just as bad.

 

No one has the right to forbid you anything, but loyalty and honest and not cheating is are basic agrements people have in a R. When people stepout it is there choice, but minimazing those things when the other gets hurt by your own action is a lack of empathy.

 

Not one of us "girls" said that it's okay to cheat. Not one of us said that it is okay to lie or deceive your significant other. Yes, there may be a red flag here, but that can really only be assessed by the girlfriend of OP. She probably needs to really examine her own behavior/motives and make sure her fantasies are truly just that--sexual fabrications that are complete concoctions and not based in any reality or hope for future events.

If OP tells her that he's uncomfortable and threatened by her fantasies, then maybe she will stop trying to have lucid dreams about other people. Or she may keep having those dreams and then decide that she's just not going to share those things with him anymore. I personally feel that any sexual fantasy in my head is no one else's damn business, and I don't have to tell anybody about them unless I choose to, but that's just me.

My advice to OP is to keep aware of the real signs (beyond fantasy land) that she is involving herself in an extra-relationship affair--lying, accountability or other signs of deceit. Don't focus on the fantasy - it's only going to hurt, offend and disgust you. You may decide that you cannot handle being with her, and that is only a choice only you can make. Best of luck to you.

[todreaminblue]

I am a lucid dreamer who cant control them at all wish i could..... I have to ask is your gf creative......does she have another outlet.....

 

 

my lucid sexual dreams have all been with guys i have been attracted to...not randoms, not celebrities.......i actually feel guilty having them at the moment because the guy i have lucid dreamt about isnt attracted to me, it also causes awkwardness when i am around him .......i am hyper sensitive to him....its a bit hard to handle, makes me feel voyeurish and it isnt m e...in the past it has only been with two partners i have had lucid dreams about...one of them wasnt sexual and one of them was a long standing sexual and committed relationship.......both were attracted to me

 

as another poster said if you love this girl and trust her.......dont head towards the sexual dream conversations i actually don't feel lucid dreams can be controlled...they are in all ....an anomaly, not a usual......therefore ...an unknown ...undetermined form of unconscious or maybe conscious thought that can be theorized but not proven to be controlled........deb

[aed]

Not one of us "girls" said that it's okay to cheat. Not one of us said that it is okay to lie or deceive your significant other. Yes, there may be a red flag here, but that can really only be assessed by the girlfriend of OP. She probably needs to really examine her own behavior/motives and make sure her fantasies are truly just that--sexual fabrications that are complete concoctions and not based in any reality or hope for future events.

If OP tells her that he's uncomfortable and threatened by her fantasies, then maybe she will stop trying to have lucid dreams about other people. Or she may keep having those dreams and then decide that she's just not going to share those things with him anymore. I personally feel that any sexual fantasy in my head is no one else's damn business, and I don't have to tell anybody about them unless I choose to, but that's just me.

My advice to OP is to keep aware of the real signs (beyond fantasy land) that she is involving herself in an extra-relationship affair--lying, accountability or other signs of deceit. Don't focus on the fantasy - it's only going to hurt, offend and disgust you. You may decide that you cannot handle being with her, and that is only a choice only you can make. Best of luck to you.

 

How would you feel if your bf/hb is having sexual fantasies about your best female friend?

[todreaminblue]

How would you feel if your bf/hb is having sexual fantasies about your best female friend?

 

 

 

if a husband or boyfriend has these dreams,there has to be some unconscious thought there, dormant maybe forgotten in every day existence......that should remain unsaid, unshared but for god......so the conscious brain can make a choice not to follow through.....and to love the one he/she/you are with...

 

 

 

lucid dreams to me are not controllable.....only when you wake can you control what you say or do which honestly is the most important ..thoughts are only effective or affective when turned into action...deb

[aed]

if a husband or boyfriend has these dreams,there has to be some unconscious thought there, dormant maybe forgotten in every day existence......that should remain unsaid, unshared but for god......so the conscious brain can make a choice not to follow through.....and to love the one he/she/you are with...

 

 

 

lucid dreams to me are not controllable.....only when you wake can you control what you say or do which honestly is the most important ..thoughts are only effective or affective when turned into action...deb

 

actions moslty start with a thought or else someone is very impulsive. And mostly thoughts are created by fantasies.

 

But I know what you are saying it is still a difference between a thought and action (acting and a choice to do something...)

[nonameforme]

How would you feel if your bf/hb is having sexual fantasies about your best female friend?

 

I assume that sometimes he does fantasize about other women, including people I know as well. I've had some pretty good looking female friends. I would not be happy to hear about it, that's why I don't think it's wise to get into those types of discussions, because all they do is make the other person question their own desirability, even if it has nothing to do with it. As long as it's only in his head and is not played out any way in reality, then I just don't want to know. Now if he became fixated on someone and obsessed, then I think it would be apparent by other behaviors that he would exhibit. This is what I'm trying to tell OP. If you know your partner well enough, you can usually tell when something isn't right. Most people aren't good liars or deceivers, as long as they aren't sociopaths. There are signs that are given out when people aren't being faithful. OP's girlfriend told him something in what appears to me to be complete and brutal honesty.

However, I have to say that I don't always think brutal honesty is the best policy. Guys, would you tell your wife her ass looks fat in her jeans (when it does)? Some of you might say yes, but I'm telling you, that is a big mistake. We don't forget those things and you will never hear the end of it. I feel the same way about what I would call "harmless" fantasies (if they truly are harmless, meaning, no intentions of taking them anywhere outside of your own mind).

OP may not be able to put this behind him. I'm not judging him for it and I do feel badly for him.

[aed]

However, I have to say that I don't always think brutal honesty is the best policy. Guys, would you tell your wife her ass looks fat in her jeans (when it does)? Some of you might say yes, but I'm telling you, that is a big mistake. .

 

 

I would tell her I like her ass in a different kind of jeans. on the other hand I never dated a girl, with what I thought was having a fat ass.

 

Most guys can joke with other guys about those kind of comments, but I doubt they look at there wifes as fat.

[nonameforme]

#1. I'm not 'one of those LS women" who cry about her guy watching porn. I actually told my boyfriend about a few spam-free sites he can use and gave him the URLs to both of them.

 

#2. OP, your girlfriend is one of those metaphysical weirdos who has nothing better to do with herself, obviously. Surely her time would be better spent 'dreaming' about how to be more productive in other areas? Good lord.

 

#3. Maybe you can get her to 'dream' her ass out into the kitchen and make you a sandwich in between 'dream romps' with the UPS man and the guy who cleans your pool.

 

I have a don't ask/don't tell policy involving my husband's porn viewing. We used to argue about it when we were quite a bit younger. I used to feel like it was cheating when I was in my early 20's. After many years, I have come to the conclusion that men (in particular) are visual creatures, so a good portion of them gravitate towards porn. It's what floats most of their boats. So maybe they don't engage in as many imagined fantasies, because porn fits their sexual fantasy needs just fine.

Some women enjoy watching porn. I personally don't like it. It's just doesn't do it for me (I find it extremely unrealistic and I don't enjoy watching close up camera shots of female genitalia). I think a lot of women have their own version of porn in their imagination. Maybe that's one possible difference between some men and women and their personal sexual outlets.

But sorry, I have to say--my husband can make his own damn sandwich if he wants one.

[mesmerized]

I've had lucid dreams but not sexual ones. Man, I'd never want a real man again if I could have hot sex in my dreams.

[nonameforme]

I would tell her I like her ass in a different kind of jeans. on the other hand I never dated a girl, with what I thought was having a fat ass.

 

Most guys can joke with other guys about those kind of comments, but I doubt they look at there wifes as fat.

 

Well, sometimes after being married, having children, etc, etc, your significant other's physique may not look the same as she used to when you met and fell in love with her. We will ask our man if our butts look fat in our jeans, and let me just advise you not to tell her if it does! LOL!

[camillalev]

I've had lucid dreams but not sexual ones. Man, I'd never want a real man again if I could have hot sex in my dreams.

 

gymnastic space sex?

 

Seriously, I'm 99% sure many of my guy friends have jerked off to the thought of me or our other other girl friends. Maybe I should do a survey and ask them if they have jerked off to a female friend? I'd bet it's seriously common.

That's not to say I don't understand. If my bj jerked off to girls who were in our circle of friends I wouldn't be happy about it, but that's reality. Both men and women fantasize about other people. It doesn't mean they will stray. I've fantasized about other people and I've never once cheated.

 

Your mind is a harmless space where you can act out your wildest whim.

 

Don't take this as a reflection of your own desirability.

[camillalev]

A rape fantasy is something different, because it is about being completly dominated. So what is the meaning of those fantasies?

 

She thought it would be an interesting thing to explore, so she went for it knowing she would never stray in real life? Personally, I have had fantasies that I will never act out in real life.

 

What it comes down to is her character - is she the type to cheat? does she have a history?

Edited March 11, 2013 by camillalev

[todreaminblue]

actions moslty start with a thought or else someone is very impulsive. And mostly thoughts are created by fantasies.

 

But I know what you are saying it is still a difference between a thought and action (acting and a choice to do something...)

 

 

 

impulse is something that can be controlled though....some have more impulse control than others...you still make that choice to act or not...buy or not.share or not.

 

 

whether impulsive or controlled thought it all comes back to you being in control....dreams however....anomaly of thoughts that make no difference if you dont use them when awake......deb

[GSB81]

I respectfully disagree with you, GSB81. Comparing a healthy "normal" sexual fantasy to a pedophile is not the same type of thing! One scenario involves two consenting adults, and the other involves someone horrifically violating a child. Not remotely similar in my opinion!.

 

 

Why do we find such sick fantasies dangerous? The reason is the fear and likelihood of them being made a reality. Same goes for OP's girlfriend dream banging her friends.