She lucid dreams about REAL PEOPLE.

[GSB81]

 

Also GSB81 advice is sh*t. Yell someone else's name out during sex? that will for sure be the beginning of the end. Don't play games.

 

 

Yeah, he wouldn't want his girl to think he was thinking of another woman during sex would he? That would be the beginning of the end but her "dream cheating" isn't?

[GSB81]

Girls,

 

why do you always minimize the things a gf does in a thread. she is activictly dreaming about a guy she is hanging out with.... This is a problem why doesn't she have active dreams about her bf?

 

 

You noticed that too, huh?

[todreaminblue]

maybe because those dreams are actively fulfilled and realized......she has the real boyfriend so he is actively in her conscious mind ......often dreams are subconscious.......a word, an action a tv commercial a tv show...i have had seriously warped lucid dreams where horrible stuff has happened as of yet, hasnt come true.and i am not going to make them happen either....i have had some lucid dreams come true too....not sexual..dreams are dreams...actions are another thing..doesnt mean if i had a boyfriend who was dreaming about other women i would want to know.....he can keep that between him and god..........deb

[camillalev]

Yeah, he wouldn't want his girl to think he was thinking of another woman during sex would he? That would be the beginning of the end but her "dream cheating" isn't?

 

The OP stated that she 'thinks' of these guys while she's asleep. Not while they're having sex. "Dream cheating"?? OK.

[LonelyInsomniac]

Hey guys. Thanks for all the input. We spoke the other morning on the issue. According to her, she stopped doing it with other people when we started seeing each other on a regular basis. She'd said things the other night that imply it was still an active practice in her life, but as advised, I'm not going to obsess over it - the important thing is she knows it's not something I want involved in my subconscious every time she gets off the bus feeling a little randy.

 

To note - we're both fully comfortable with the use of porn and erotica in our lives. We have an active sex life, a lot of affection, and a lot of understanding between each other.

 

Frankly - our sex life hadn't started until her mention of lucid dreams were rare. I found it... well, very unattractive. I can honestly say I don't fantasize about myself having sex with real people. Maybe it's my strong beliefs on the matter (I feel like I'd be violating someone by fantasizing about them), maybe my trust issues are so intense I'm wary I'll get fantasy herpes... but it just feels wrong to me. That probably also influences my view and response to this.

[todreaminblue]

Hey guys. Thanks for all the input. We spoke the other morning on the issue. According to her, she stopped doing it with other people when we started seeing each other on a regular basis. She'd said things the other night that imply it was still an active practice in her life, but as advised, I'm not going to obsess over it - the important thing is she knows it's not something I want involved in my subconscious every time she gets off the bus feeling a little randy.

 

To note - we're both fully comfortable with the use of porn and erotica in our lives. We have an active sex life, a lot of affection, and a lot of understanding between each other.

 

Frankly - our sex life hadn't started until her mention of lucid dreams were rare. I found it... well, very unattractive. I can honestly say I don't fantasize about myself having sex with real people. Maybe it's my strong beliefs on the matter (I feel like I'd be violating someone by fantasizing about them), maybe my trust issues are so intense I'm wary I'll get fantasy herpes... but it just feels wrong to me. That probably also influences my view and response to this.

 

 

you actively view people who are recorded having sex yet you find her dreams bad..........what do you feel when you are watching porn....what gives you an erection?

[LonelyInsomniac]

todreaminblue - I think porn is a healthy, impersonal outlet when used correctly, and I don't do anything I'd be uncomfortable with my girlfriend doing. I'm not into double standards.

 

The difference is the personal level. I'm strictly voyeuristic in my fantasies.

 

She's dreaming, and feeling the sensations of having sex with people she has or can form relationships with. In her own words, it's "sex without consequence".

 

What I hear when she says that is, "I'd have sex with them if I could and it didn't bother you. But it does, so I'll only do it in my head - which for me is a lot closer to the real thing than porn." And now that she's denying having had fantasies like that recently, what I dread is... "And now I do it in a way you can't find out." The majority of my exes have done that to me, except in real life, which is harder to hide.

 

Porn is scripted. Dreams are random. Fantasies don't usually include the actual sensations. Lucid dreaming... is what you choose to do.

 

I realize I personally have some irrational fears about being cheated on yet again. If she smells different when she comes home, I silently wonder (though only for a moment) if it's someone else on her breath. I realize this has everything to do with me and nothing to do with her.

 

I guess the troubling aspect of it for me is the parallels to the ways my other exes would fantasize. One of my girlfriends was a serial cyberer. Another was a major flirt. One of them had guys masturbate for her on webcam. It's the active, realistic fantasy about someone she could replace me with that spooks me. The fact that it sounds like she wants to experience sex with strangers.

 

I can't and won't stop her from having super realistic imaginary affairs. It is, however, my place to decide how I'll move past this, and my ability to do that depends on her continued honesty. White lies only dig the hurt in further.

 

I have trust issues. I know this, she knows this, and the reason I seek outside opinions is to further help ascertain how much is my past, and how much is my present.

[Neffer]

I found it... well, very unattractive. I can honestly say I don't fantasize about myself having sex with real people. Maybe it's my strong beliefs on the matter (I feel like I'd be violating someone by fantasizing about them), maybe my trust issues are so intense I'm wary I'll get fantasy herpes... but it just feels wrong to me. That probably also influences my view and response to this.

 

Its just a difference in approach. Men are pretty visual and women generally prefer more of a story or in depth approach to mental stimulation or porn. It likely feels wrong to you because it is alien or opposite from what works for you. Not to pun, but different strokes for different folks. Also, your male pride may be a bit involved since these people exist in 3D rather than on a monitor.

 

But as most of the reasonable (mainly female) responses noted, she is very honest and you have little to worry about. I can understand feeling somewhat undermined by this, but I think you will adjust if you put it in the background. Its no reflection of reality after all.

 

I am the opposite where I prefer anon fantasy and my partner fantasizes about actual people, even after seeing porn. I thought it was weird too, but then again he was using me in that regard so my jealousy issues were slightly less. He is, like your girlfriend, much too honest at times - no filter. And that has occasionally caused problems. You just will need to explain that you don't want this floating in your head. I know very well how much fun that isn't.

 

Porn is scripted. Dreams are random. Fantasies don't usually include the actual sensations. Lucid dreaming... is what you choose to do.

 

You are ignoring the part where you choose what porn. You also choose what you want to see, what turns you on. You control what/when etc of porn. She is doing the same thing but with people that exist. That is the part you are stuck on.

 

I have trust issues as well from past experiences. Its very hard to separate things out and accept the risk. I get that. Also, don't feel bad about this affecting you. Its normal to feel as you do. Its an adjustment. Good luck.

Edited March 11, 2013 by Neffer

[Darren Steez]

todreaminblue - I think porn is a healthy, impersonal outlet when used correctly, and I don't do anything I'd be uncomfortable with my girlfriend doing. I'm not into double standards.

 

The difference is the personal level. I'm strictly voyeuristic in my fantasies.

 

She's dreaming, and feeling the sensations of having sex with people she has or can form relationships with. In her own words, it's "sex without consequence".

 

What I hear when she says that is, "I'd have sex with them if I could and it didn't bother you. But it does, so I'll only do it in my head - which for me is a lot closer to the real thing than porn." And now that she's denying having had fantasies like that recently, what I dread is... "And now I do it in a way you can't find out." The majority of my exes have done that to me, except in real life, which is harder to hide.

 

Porn is scripted. Dreams are random. Fantasies don't usually include the actual sensations. Lucid dreaming... is what you choose to do.

 

I realize I personally have some irrational fears about being cheated on yet again. If she smells different when she comes home, I silently wonder (though only for a moment) if it's someone else on her breath. I realize this has everything to do with me and nothing to do with her.

 

I guess the troubling aspect of it for me is the parallels to the ways my other exes would fantasize. One of my girlfriends was a serial cyberer. Another was a major flirt. One of them had guys masturbate for her on webcam. It's the active, realistic fantasy about someone she could replace me with that spooks me. The fact that it sounds like she wants to experience sex with strangers.

 

I can't and won't stop her from having super realistic imaginary affairs. It is, however, my place to decide how I'll move past this, and my ability to do that depends on her continued honesty. White lies only dig the hurt in further.

 

I have trust issues. I know this, she knows this, and the reason I seek outside opinions is to further help ascertain how much is my past, and how much is my present.

 

so... Voyeuristic sex in your head is ok because a)it's actors and its not real

b) you're not actually participating in the act so it's ok

 

as opposed to

 

a) someone having a dream (which is not real) and touching them (which is not real)

 

They are both not real, trying to justify one or the other is just plain nonsense. I'm not quite buying this "oh she can fancy the guy on the bus, fall asleep and cop off with him" then it's emotional or she really fancies him on some level so there's a problem...isn't that the same as watching porn and being stimulated by the actors and their actions? On some level you fancy the actors and their bodies, their actions that what makes it arousing, even though it's only for a short time.

 

If she stops dreaming then you stop watching porn. Fair is fair

[LonelyInsomniac]

We both have watched porn. She has many sexual outlets, moreso than I do. And honestly? I could care less about having porn - I have her. I'd sacrifice it and leave her with every other sexual outlet she has if it meant no longer having to share her with her best friend and people on the bus. Hell, I'd give it up simply because she was uncomfortable with it. I love her, and I want her to be happy.

 

But I know I'll have trouble making her happy with this constantly on my mind.

 

So I'm doing my damnedest to ignore the white lies and for the sake of simplicity pretend this never happened.

[GSB81]

The OP stated that she 'thinks' of these guys while she's asleep. Not while they're having sex. "Dream cheating"?? OK.

 

 

Oh wow... Why do you draw the line there? And are you aware of what he means by" hobbyist lucid dreamer? "

[Darren Steez]

We both have watched porn. She has many sexual outlets, moreso than I do. And honestly? I could care less about having porn - I have her. I'd sacrifice it and leave her with every other sexual outlet she has if it meant no longer having to share her with her best friend and people on the bus. Hell, I'd give it up simply because she was uncomfortable with it. I love her, and I want her to be happy.

 

But I know I'll have trouble making her happy with this constantly on my mind.

 

So I'm doing my damnedest to ignore the white lies and for the sake of simplicity pretend this never happened.

 

I'm sorry, what's up with the best friend? What do you mean? And what white lies? Seems this has gone beyond just someone simply dreaming to something else. Confused..

[LonelyInsomniac]

I'm considering this thread resolved.

 

We spoke, we reached the best conclusion we can, back to the fantastic non-dream sex.

 

At this point, further dwelling on it is just me steeping in my insecurities and getting defensive about it.

 

Thanks for taking the time to help me, and I'll try to return the favor.

[LonelyInsomniac]

There aren't too many happy endings in this forum, so I thought I'd update with mine.

 

It turns out my insecurities were heightened due to her dishonesty with me. I was picking up on things that didn't match up, and this was one of the more blatant lies. In addition to that, she had been manipulating me because "she thought my feelings were her responsibility," due to domestic abuse in her background.

 

I go out of my way to remind her that my feelings are not her responsibility. We have a very loving relationship.

 

This morning, she approached me to talk about one of her sex dreams. That one change has killed most of my obsessive thoughts about her sex dreams and enabled to trust her so much more.

 

How did we get to this point?

 

Both of us are or have been self-improvement/psychology enthusiasts/majors. We're intrigued by the human mind, and we don't mind being challenged in a respectful, productive way. While many people believe in soulmates, we staunchly believe that we have worked to make and create this relationship - and that's why it works.

 

Part 1: I started documenting what happened to be able to maintain my own sense of sanity.

Part 2: Next time she brought something like that up, I asked her about it. Documented it.

Part 3: I get the sense she was wanting to talk. She started talking about a poem, and shared it with me. It was about the fear of love drifting away. We had a long talk about our insecurities. I did a gentle but direct thought experiment with her (she's scientifically minded). I asked her where her defensive reaction (lying) started kicking in. When she couldn't identify it, I asked her about something she'd admitted before that I knew would give her the temptation to lie. She lied, and I pointed out, calmly, that she'd already admitted what she'd done, and asked what her thought process was when she'd started lying.

This did upset her - I don't think she was ready to answer something like that. It wasn't my intent to upset her, and I stopped immediately. Our goal was not to get upset - it was to figure out (for both of us) what was getting in our way of an honest relationship.

 

Got her some pie, reassurance.

 

It's been two days since our turning point, and both of us are more aware of how much distance we were putting between each other for censoring our relationships (I had a lot of getting-cheated-on/lied-to-by-her dreams that I would omit in my own dream rehashes.)

 

She also struggles with self-neglect and an eating disorder. This was probably the actual first part of my reacting to her lies. I've generally stopped asking her if she's hungry, and just start working on supper for us (or bring food if I'm planning to meet her somewhere) when she gets home. While (when asked) I explicitly told her I wasn't going to believe her when she said she's not hungry due to how many times she's starved herself beyond the point of exhaustion and then lied straight to my face, I have also proved I meant it by simply answering the question myself. Gentle adjustments that benefit us both - I don't have to cringe at blatant dishonesty, and she doesn't have to A. think about prioritizing food, and B. lie because she thinks it will keep me from worrying while also struggling with her own compulsions to abuse herself. The option's readily there.

 

Good luck with your jealousy, flirting and cheating problems - and remember. A solution involving other people only exists when all parties involved see there's a problem.