Going into no conact... but is there still hope for us?

[CorridorE]

My ex and I were together for 3 years, the last two of which being a LDR because he is in the military, stationed in North Carolina and I am in Michigan. Our relationship was always very stable and we got through the long months between his leave times using calls and skype to keep us close, and we both agreed the long waits for time together only helped our love grow. The last time I saw him in person was at Christmas and New Years; he was able to come home and spend time with my family, and everything seemed normal and perfect. During that time we even discussed being married in the next two years after is tour with the Marine Corps. is over.

 

Well, a month ago he broke up with me out of the blue. He said he doesn't know if he love me anymore, or if he does it isn’t in the same way. He said he can’t go on this way for another 2+ years because of his physical and mental loneliness, and feels heartbroken when he sees friends of his with their girlfriends who are able to visit frequently. He says the loneliness is so crushing that he is afraid he might end up cheating on me and would rather break up now than hurt me that way in the future. I asked him to please not give up on us, that I have complete faith in us and this was just a rough patch, but he says he’s ready to move on…

 

For the last month since we’ve been broken up we’ve had a text conversation about once a week. The first he texted me asking about dividing up our things... (I have a lot of his belongings at my house). After that I sent him a letter in the mail and took a long time to get my feelings on paper just right, and the second time I heard from him was when he received my letter. He said that not seeing “I love you” written right before my signature really killed him because it was the first time I hadn’t signed it that way since he left for boot camp. I told him I still loved him but didn’t write it because I didn’t know if that was too much considering the circumstances.

 

I asked him why he was so affected by it since he said he was ready to move on from he, and he said, “I’m confused. I don’t know what I want. I think I want someone else but at the same time I can’t stand not seeing I love you written there…” I told him if he ever has second thoughts, to let me know. He said thank you and that it meant a lot to him.

 

The third time I heard from him was a week later. I texted him asking how he was doing, and he said he was fine… that our breakup hadn’t really changed his day-to-day life at all… but he also said: “Once I know I won’t cheat on you, I’ll fight for your heart again.” And again, I said I’d always be here.

 

I’ve been trying to give him space to think things through but the fourth time was last night… he texted me and for a while we just talked about his work and how he didn’t know when his next leave time would be (not because he wanted to see me, just conversation) and I told him to just stay positive. Then he asked if I wanted him to be happy…. I told him of course I do, and out of the blue he hit me with “I want you to be happy to, but you need to move on. I can’t be that person for you anymore” I didn’t know what to say… I would give absolutely anything in the world to be with him. I said back, “I don’t have anything to move on to,” and he said I’ll meet other guys to make me happy and feel loved… I was so confused… everything he says anymore contradicts. I asked him about what he said a week ago: “Once I know I won’t cheat on you, I’ll fight for your heart again.” I asked if it was true. He said, “I don’t know…” Again for third time I told him if he ever figures out his feelings and misses me, I’ll be there for him… but instead of thank you all he said was “I’m sorry.” I never texted back… I'm too heartbroken to know what to say.

 

I’ve read a lot about the no contact theory and how you have to really give someone a chance to miss you for them to realize they still want you. I’m going to try my best not to text him anymore and let him come to me if he wants to talk… I have no idea when the next time he’ll be home will be, and even when he does come home I’m not close with his family the way he was close with mine so there's a chance I might not even find out. But I feel that if we could talk in person things would be different. I just want advice on whether you there is still a chance for us?... Thank you for reading.

Edited March 10, 2013 by CorridorE

[ShockS]

Personally i'm not sure if you will or won't get back together. It's heartbreaking being caught between those options. I think you will have to do the thing that's probably the hardest thing to do. Accept that he can't be who you want him to be right now. Maybe he will be in the future. But he has to have a void in his life where you used to be. And you have to accept that someone else might be the one for you. I always think that you find someone when you stop looking for them. Try & do as much for yourself right now. Make yourself into a better version of you. Treat this as a complete break with no hope of reconciliation. Accept someone new when they come along. But don't go out expecting to find them. Maybe he will be back someday. But if you don't move on then you won't be ready to accept him fully. You might have to turn into two different people to make it work. I'm only saying these things to you because they are exactly the things i can't do. I hope your life turns out for the best. I hope someday you will find peace of mind.......

[Renard99]

I think you have to move on with the assumption that there is no hope for reconciliation, regardless of whether there is a slight hint of hope or not. That way you're prepared for the worse.

 

My personal opinion is that, unfortunately, there isn't any hope left for you. Although confused about his feelings, he does appear to already be distancing himself from you. He has already made the decision, and although he says he's missing elements about the relationship, he has not taken his decision back and continues to add distance between you.

 

My ex did something very similar. Out of the blue she said that she didn't love me any more and that her feelings for me 'weren't the same any more'. In the following weeks, whilst she organised a place to move to, we moved into separate rooms in the house and lived separate lives. During that time she would often say things like she missed sitting with me on the sofa, missed me kissing her goodbye as I left for work in the morning and missed hearing me say 'I love you' everyday. She frequently told me she was having second thoughts and wondered if she'd made the right decision..... but she still left and never came back.

 

I think once they've had the conviction to actually go ahead with the decision, their mind, for the majority of people, is fairly made up at that point.

 

My advice to you would be to go 'No Contact' and not reply to any of his messages. If he continues to contact you, you can always send a message simply stating that, because of your feelings for him, continuing contact is too difficult and painful for you and that, respectfully, could he please cease contacting you.

[Treasa]

Oh my God. Tell this guy to piss off, **** off, go pound sand, whatever.

 

Why the hell would you want to be with a guy who is basically saying, "I might cheat on you and I want to be with someone but not you, but if that doesn't work out, I'll use you as a backup."

 

Are you kidding me??

 

Tell this mother****er to take his bull**** to some idiot girl who has no self-respect, because that isn't you, and then hang up, block him, whatever. Don't ever talk to him again.

 

Trust me...you DON'T really want to be reconciled with this loser.

[CorridorE]

Thank you for the responses and thank you Treasa; I'm so in love with him that I hadn't thought of it that way before but you really put it into perspective...

[singme2sleep]

Personally i'm not sure if you will or won't get back together. It's heartbreaking being caught between those options. I think you will have to do the thing that's probably the hardest thing to do. Accept that he can't be who you want him to be right now. Maybe he will be in the future. But he has to have a void in his life where you used to be. And you have to accept that someone else might be the one for you. I always think that you find someone when you stop looking for them. Try & do as much for yourself right now. Make yourself into a better version of you. Treat this as a complete break with no hope of reconciliation. Accept someone new when they come along. But don't go out expecting to find them. Maybe he will be back someday. But if you don't move on then you won't be ready to accept him fully. You might have to turn into two different people to make it work. I'm only saying these things to you because they are exactly the things i can't do. I hope your life turns out for the best. I hope someday you will find peace of mind.......

 

This is what I should be trying to tell myself!

[portableversion]

from what i gathered long distance relationships are rough and tough. IN general im not sure what success rate they have.

 

I hate to say this but my ex is in a long distnce relationship, i hope this is the course it goes.

 

others have said good things, whatever the reason these others are not willing to make us their priority, just gotta take care of our selves and keep as healthy as possible. Gotta love the self relax meditate rub ur own feet and tell urself ur a wonderful person.

[CorridorE]

Just an update...

He has a long weekend next week and is coming home on leave... but get this: it's to see his new girlfriend. So he lied to me about the reason for our breakup being the long distance because she lives in the same city I do, and apparently they have been talking for quite some time. Funny how he literally has a long weekend every month but not once did he ever concider coming home on one to visit me... I am DONE.

[hockeyfan99]

Just an update...

He has a long weekend next week and is coming home on leave... but get this: it's to see his new girlfriend. So he lied to me about the reason for our breakup being the long distance because she lives in the same city I do, and apparently they have been talking for quite some time. Funny how he literally has a long weekend every month but not once did he ever concider coming home on one to visit me... I am DONE.

 

that is so wrong on his part on EVERY level. i just don't understand how someone can do that to another person. he should have just been up front with you from the start, but he didn't and thus made up lame excuse that he was afraid he was going to cheat on you when all along he prob was. thats just SO wrong. i would be done too......i don't blame you one bit.

 

on a side note, i know the hurt you are going thru. my ex and i broke up 6 months ago and she was the love of my life but we had lots of issues and she ended up breakin up with me. i was CRUSHED. i tried everything to get her back for 5 months and then we went into NC last month. NC is a good thing but for me it was harder than the BU b/c now its final and there are NO links to your ex at all. my advice would be to keep yourself busy as much as possible and DON'T stalk his FB. (i had to delete my acct) DON'T reply to his texts. NOTHING!!!!

[CorridorE]

that is so wrong on his part on EVERY level. i just don't understand how someone can do that to another person. he should have just been up front with you from the start, but he didn't and thus made up lame excuse that he was afraid he was going to cheat on you when all along he prob was. thats just SO wrong. i would be done too......i don't blame you one bit.

 

on a side note, i know the hurt you are going thru. my ex and i broke up 6 months ago and she was the love of my life but we had lots of issues and she ended up breakin up with me. i was CRUSHED. i tried everything to get her back for 5 months and then we went into NC last month. NC is a good thing but for me it was harder than the BU b/c now its final and there are NO links to your ex at all. my advice would be to keep yourself busy as much as possible and DON'T stalk his FB. (i had to delete my acct) DON'T reply to his texts. NOTHING!!!!

 

 

Thank you for the advice. I already deleted him on facebook. He texted saying he wants to come over to get his belongings from my house next Saturday. I'm thinking a box on the front porch would be appropriate, yes?

[misswillow]

What a jerk. I'm so sorry. Yes, a box on your front porch...and tell him what time he can come so you can be sure not to be home. You don't want to risk him trying to talk to you if you're home, it will just be more painful than what you're already going through.

[CorridorE]

What a jerk. I'm so sorry. Yes, a box on your front porch...and tell him what time he can come so you can be sure not to be home. You don't want to risk him trying to talk to you if you're home, it will just be more painful than what you're already going through.

 

Well, he showed up at my house w/o warning to get his belongings... and he brought her with him.

[JourneyLady]

Well, he showed up at my house w/o warning to get his belongings... and he brought her with him.

 

What a crappy guy - you dodged a bullet. And if he cared so little to do that, it probably means one of two things (or both). 1. He didn't really care about you at all and/or 2. She doesn't trust him with you.

 

I say he has the makings of a narcissist type. You really don't want that in your life. Go find a good guy, girl! You deserve it!

[CorridorE]

What a crappy guy - you dodged a bullet. And if he cared so little to do that, it probably means one of two things (or both). 1. He didn't really care about you at all and/or 2. She doesn't trust him with you.

 

I say he has the makings of a narcissist type. You really don't want that in your life. Go find a good guy, girl! You deserve it!

 

Yeah, he came in, got his things, and left without looking at me or saying goodbye. I could have just not let him in when I saw she was with him, but I though it'd be best just to get rid of his things since he was there anyway...