friends or not?

[gapgirl]

here's my story...

 

i started dating a close friend of mine about nine months ago. we recently broke up but have somehow managed to maintain a civil relationship from which we hope to develop our friendship again once enough time has passed. we spoke the other day and decided that now is as good a time as any to begin a new friendship since i will be leaving on an extended trip out of the country soon. my problem is this...things are good, surprisingly so, right now but i am afraid i will botch things up by being too forward or too emotional around him. i broke up with him for reasons i'd rather not get into, but i know that we are both still attracted to one another and i fear that my attraction to him is probably greater than his to me. any advice as to how to proceed from this point beyond the standard "you need to take more time before trying to be friends?" anything else is much appreciated.

[Tony T]

Get ahold of yourself and get control of yourself. You speak as if your behavior is controlled by some force outside of yourself. If you do not have some reasonable control over your behavior and your emotions, seek help. Emotions are a decision we make. Make the decision today to have rational and reasonable friendly feelings toward the guy.

 

Yes, I know, when you've been in love with someone it's really hard to turn the switch off cold turkey. But, take it from a guy whose had one hell of a lot of experience, you can be around people you are madly in love with and not show it. If you want to, you can be the coolest person on earth.

 

You did not want the alternative of taking more time, so you have absolutely no choice but to get control of yourself, make the decision that HE IS YOUR FRIEND, and move on from there.

 

It's great you will be leaving on a long trip soon, assuming this is without him. This will give you time for healing because you WON'T HEAL AT ALL if you remain in his company right now.

 

I think two very mature people can go from being friends to being lovers and go back to being friends without a lot of trouble. Friendship is often preferable, much less demanding and a lot more fulfilling. There is a whole lot less pressure to being friends. Get your mind wound up to look forward to this new friendship that could be stronger than ever.

 

But there is absolutely nothing in the universe that will make this any easier for you except changing your own attitude, controlling your feelings and the passing of time.

[Ed]

I really want to respond to your post Gapgirl. However, your post is confusing the hell out of me. Every time I start to type something, I stop and reread what you said, then I have to erase what I typed. Your post asks for advice on how to proceed. Well, I don't have any. I do have a couple of observations. Maybe it will help.

 

If you can breakup with the guy and he is still willing to see you and continue a friendship, then I don't think you need to be worried about "botching things up". What I mean is, he's either a very, very mature and forgiving man (extremely rare) or he didn't really want a romantic relationship with you to begin with. Either way, if things were going to be "botched up", they already would be.

 

You express your concern about your attraction to him possibly being stronger than his to you. Here again, I'm getting mixed signals from your post. I'm not sure if you are worried that he may reject you, or you are worried that you have a physical attraction to someone you don't want a love relationship with?

 

It can be difficult to be near someone you are attracted to without acting on those feelings. If you have solid boundaries in place, you can do it. I work with and have female friends that I find very attractive. For one reason or another, I know it is best that I do not express my attraction to them. It's a matter of - I will do this and I won't do that. Once you get those boundaries in place, you can carry on a semi-normal relationship with that person.

[Deejette]

It seems that you really don't want friendship with him, you really want love. It is confusing because you broke up with him but you also say you are more attracted to him than he is to you. Under those circumstances, you could act on your desire and get the whole thing really mixed up and even lose the friendship as well.

 

Keeping your emotional distance is a good idea for a while and let him approach you for contact and friendship.

 

I really want to respond to your post Gapgirl. However, your post is confusing the hell out of me. Every time I start to type something, I stop and reread what you said, then I have to erase what I typed. Your post asks for advice on how to proceed. Well, I don't have any. I do have a couple of observations. Maybe it will help.

 

If you can breakup with the guy and he is still willing to see you and continue a friendship, then I don't think you need to be worried about "botching things up". What I mean is, he's either a very, very mature and forgiving man (extremely rare) or he didn't really want a romantic relationship with you to begin with. Either way, if things were going to be "botched up", they already would be. You express your concern about your attraction to him possibly being stronger than his to you. Here again, I'm getting mixed signals from your post. I'm not sure if you are worried that he may reject you, or you are worried that you have a physical attraction to someone you don't want a love relationship with? It can be difficult to be near someone you are attracted to without acting on those feelings. If you have solid boundaries in place, you can do it. I work with and have female friends that I find very attractive. For one reason or another, I know it is best that I do not express my attraction to them. It's a matter of - I will do this and I won't do that. Once you get those boundaries in place, you can carry on a semi-normal relationship with that person.