such a dark place...so many questions

[who_am_i]

It’s been about 3 weeks since the breakup. Until now I’d found comfort in reading the advice you’ve given to each other. I just have so many questions of my own. I’m new to this, it might get long, but here it goes.

 

 

I met my now xMM 2 years ago on a dating website for people who are married and looking. (I know! I know!) It was such a nice surprise to have met a regular guy in such an unconventional way. We seemed so similar when we talked about how things were at home and it was really good to be able to talk to someone who understood. The more time we spent together the closer we got. The way he looked at me, the way he touched & kissed me, and the way he made me feel…it was hard not to fall in love with him.

 

 

 

About a year into our A I told him that I loved him. Looking back, I think that’s when everything changed. I knew going in that he was married and I guess I just never expected for it to get the best of me. He told me he had never intended to get so close either, but he was never going to leave his wife and 2 young boys. At this point I decided that we should stop seeing each other. Yeah, right! That lasted for about 2 days. He told me that everything would be ok and I believed him as neither one of us was ready to let the other go. This is when I started to feel a little short handed in the relationship. I loved him, I said it…but he didn’t say it back. After this he told me on many occasions that he couldn’t love me and it was easy for him to compartmentalize his feelings. That if he didn’t have those 2 boys, things would be totally different.

 

 

 

Soon after this he had an accident. He was out of work for about 6 weeks and it was very difficult for us to see one another. We stayed in touch and talked about how we missed the other. Once he was back to work things picked back up where we had left off except things would be great one day and then he’d get all weird and distant the next. It became a sort of cycle. Now that I’d said I’d loved him, was he trying to keep me from getting closer? Or was he trying to keep himself from getting closer? I’ve asked…the answer was always very vague.

 

 

 

It was only about 3 months after his return to work that he was transferred to another location. It was a promotion and good for him and his family so I understood him taking it even though it meant that it would be difficult for us to get together. We promised that we would put the effort in that it required to try and make it work, but that only lasted a few weeks. He told me that “logistically” he did not see how the A was going to be able to continue. I was devastated and as I sat there crying in the park…he walked away from me. He made it look so easy.

 

 

There was NC for 2 months when I sent him an email saying….this has to get easier. His reply was that he had been thinking about me too. He was finding that his new position required him to visit his old office from time to time and that he’d still like to see me when possible. I agreed, as I missed him terribly, and things began again. I didn’t get to see him as much as I liked, we didn’t talk as much as we used to, and I found myself settling for any time I could get. I knew being without him was awful, so I told myself this was better than nothing. As you can guess, soon I wasn’t satisfied with the situation. I wanted to be with this man more…not less. I told myself I was going to end it, but then each time we’d get together I’d be reminded of why I didn’t want to. It became a game between my heart and my head...and my heart was winning.

 

 

 

I told him I need more time and he understood. He had taken the Monday before Valentine’s Day off from work so we could spend the day together. He was always so worried about being caught so this was huge for him and I was ecstatic! The day came and it did not go as planned. He received a text from his brother-in-law around noon about not being at work. This changed the whole mood. I could tell he was worried it would get back to his wife. He ended up leaving much earlier than planned to go home and assess the damage. The day I’d been waiting for was such a disappointment and I cried the whole ride home.

 

 

 

The next day when he called me he said that things were ok at home, but after that scare he couldn’t see me anymore. Of course I cried and asked him to reconsider, but it seemed he had his mind made up. Later on that night we spoke again. He said that he’d just got done walking around the toy store for over an hour trying to figure out a way to make it work. He didn’t want to stop seeing me, but he was afraid if she found out he’d lose his kids. He said that she’d “make it worse than death for him”. He told me how he didn’t know what to do because he’s never had feelings for anyone like this other than his wife. By the end of that call we were both in tears and he said it had to end. Again I begged and cried but he seemed firm on his decision. He said he cared for me a great deal and would think about me always.

 

 

At this point I didn’t know what end was up anymore. For the last 2 days I had gone through every emotions and done more crying then I can remember ever doing in my adult lifetime…and I snapped. I was so confused…I thought about how he was just going to go home to his family and live a happy life, about how stupid I was for lessening my expectations of him and lowering my standards because I thought something was better than nothing, about how he must have been taking it all for granted…it made me so mad and I told his wife. I told him what I had done. All he could say was, “if the pain I feel right now is any indication of the pain I’ve put you through, I am so sorry”. I'll never forget those words. They were so painful to hear and still so painful to remember. Who was I?

 

 

It was by far one of the darkest times of my life. I will regret it as long as I live. She and those kids did not deserve the **** storm that I rained on their life that day. It is an awful, awful, place to be.

 

 

 

The next day he sent me an email telling me that they were going to try and work it out, that I was an awful person, that he never told me he loved me because he didn’t, and that it was only about getting laid. He said she knew everything and had seen all the texts, emails, and photos we’d shared over the last 2 years. This was so hurtful to hear. I’m not sure what I thought was going to happen…I never thought that far in advance. I had told her out of desperation…I knew that was wrong!

 

 

Later that day I got a reply email from the BW. She asked me a few questions which I answered as truthfully as possible while trying to be considerate of her feelings. (too late, I know) After the second round of questioning from her I began to realize that I was protecting him by being too considerate. He said she knew everything and if this was true what did I have to hide from her. So I told her everything she wanted to know...basically, I threw him under the bus. (again…not one of my finer moments)

 

 

Since then I have started some pretty serious counseling and have not heard from either of them…not that I expected to. He has cancelled all of his email accounts and deleted his Facebook & LinkedIn profiles. I don’t know how all this happened. I mean, I do…but how did something go so bad so fast? I know that NC is a good thing even though it was forced upon me. I could call him at work or at home, but what good will that do? I think it will just make things much worse. So, NC it is.

 

 

 

Now I’m left with so many questions, like…

 

 

A good male friend and female friend of mine who don’t know each other have both said that they don’t think I’ve heard the last from him. Then, last week my therapist said the same thing. Why would they say that after all the awful things I’ve done to this man? Why would he ever want to talk to me again? Is it weird that made me hopeful even though I know how bad it could be?

 

 

I can see how when a man goes out and has a one night stand with someone in a bar, this can be forgiven by the BS. What I don’t understand is how she can know that he went looking for it…signed up…paid a membership fee…had more than one “date” with different women before he met me…and she still agrees to “work on it”? How much cheating is just unforgivable? Does she love him or is she just trying to win? Will she ever trust him again? He used to say that she was suffocating at times. Won't this just make the suffocation worse? Won't he just be more miserable in his marriage?

 

 

 

If his relationship was so great and he was so worried about his wife, why did he stay with me for so long…even through the “dry” patches? Even when I tried to call it off? Why didn't he just stay away when we stopped talking the first time? Shouldn’t he have been “working on it” then?

 

 

 

Am I the only OW who started out as a strong, confident woman and ended up not even recognizing themselves when it was over?

 

 

 

Logically I know that continuing to ask myself these questions is silly. Through the help of therapy and self reflection I can see now how bad this relationship was for me and how I slowly ended up in such a dark place. A lot of the stories that I have read here about finding strength through sadness have brought me a great deal of peace, thank you all. I hope that by putting this out there, some of you will share your experience & wisdom which I know will continue to help me.

[loredo21]

I am sorry you are hurting! I know how painful it can be. But you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and seep down to know all of the "truths". It is just hard to comprehend it when it all comes crashing down on you...Maybe he didn't love you. Maybe he is not capable of real love (outside of his children) but that in no way means he didn't care about you. As easy as it seems for them to be going on their merry way, just know what kind of hell he is going through in his mind as well. And what kind of hell his wife is going through. I (as well as many other OW on LS) also had a very hurtful response from exMOM. Never expected it. I also tried to call it off a couple of times only for him to beg and tell me he couldn't shut his feelings for me off. You can imagine my surprise when Dday hit and he said "what did you really think we were?" all I could say was "WOW!"....at the time it hurt. I wanted to die. (over everything I was feeling not just him throwing me under the bus)...But one day you will have an epiphany of sorts and realize they all know what they are doing. The stories here are really more of the same over and over again. So in that respect, know that you are not alone. I am glad to hear you are getting counseling. I think that is critical in the healing from an A process for all parties involved. It will get better! Promise you that! But for now....Breathe! HUGS

[threelaurels]

I met my now xMM 2 years ago on a dating website for people who are married and looking.

 

Why did you seek out a relationship with a married man? What were your expectations in joining the website and then later engaging in an affair with your exMM?

 

He told me how he didn’t know what to do because he’s never had feelings for anyone like this other than his wife. By the end of that call we were both in tears and he said it had to end. Again I begged and cried but he seemed firm on his decision. He said he cared for me a great deal and would think about me always.

 

Did he tell you he loved you then?

 

I was so confused…I thought about how he was just going to go home to his family and live a happy life, about how stupid I was for lessening my expectations of him and lowering my standards because I thought something was better than nothing, about how he must have been taking it all for granted…it made me so mad and I told his wife.

 

He was taking you for granted. He didn't want to lose you, but he also didn't want to lose his wife even more.

 

Telling his wife was the right thing to do. She deserves to be able to make decisions about her own life and not have them made for her behind her back and without her knowledge.

 

A good male friend and female friend of mine who don’t know each other have both said that they don’t think I’ve heard the last from him. Then, last week my therapist said the same thing. Why would they say that after all the awful things I’ve done to this man? Why would he ever want to talk to me again? Is it weird that made me hopeful even though I know how bad it could be?

 

He may come back looking to resume the affair, he may not. Whether or not he does is insignificant. Your behavior is not. Will you wait around for him to come back? If he does come back, will you accept him with open arms again?

 

If his relationship was so great and he was so worried about his wife, why did he stay with me for so long…even through the “dry” patches? Even when I tried to call it off? Why didn't he just stay away when we stopped talking the first time? Shouldn’t he have been “working on it” then?

 

Because he wanted you both. He wanted his wife and a piece on the side, or, as they said, he wanted his cake and to eat it too.

 

I am sorry for your pain.

[spice4life]

Hi who_am_I. I just wanted to reply to your post before signing off.

 

I know its hard and yes, you are left with a ton of questions, but you need to try and start asking yourself questions. Questions like how you ended up looking for someone to fill your void and why you felt the need to do so. What he is doing now doesn't matter anymore because he's made his choice and is gone. As long as you keep focusing on him you will be distracted from working on your own life and what you need to do to fix it...in a healthy way. Working on yourself will also help you build up strength to resist him should he try to contact you again.

 

I hope this helps. Best wishes to you...I hope you find your way out of that dark place soon!

[2sure]

You did the right thng by telling BS and not protecting your MM. Sometime soon, this act alne will give you back a piece of yourself. I know you did it to hurt MM or to break up the marriage....but that doesn't matter at all.

 

He took advantage of your love. He took advantage of his wife's trust.

He definitely wanted both the marriage and the affair...for selfish reasons.

 

His wife and he are going to try to reconcile because...what ever was Wrong in the marriage or more likely, with him , might be able to be fixed and they each think it is worth trying . His wife is not competing with you or looking to win.

 

Your MM sounds like a serial Cheater. They usually go back to it. It's what they do.

 

You were vulnerable going into this or you would not have chosen an unavailable man. As soon as you can catch your breath...you have to realize that whatever made you vulnerable is what you need to work on. This relationship was just some kind of band aid.

 

My heart hurts for you...you need to take care.

[who_am_i]

Thank you for your thoughts...it's much appreciated. Any additional perspectives are always helpful.

[georgia girl]

You sound young and a bit lost. If you don't mind, I'll offer advice, but it's advice all about you.

 

First, genuinely try to stop thinking about him. It's easier said than done. One successful way to do this is to compartmentalize it. Allow yourself to think of him for X amount of time a day. When that time is exhausted, tell yourself you can think about him tomorrow. It sounds silly, but what you're actually doing is making him a smaller and smaller port of your thoughts and that relagates him to the background. It speeds up your recovery tremendously.

 

Then, go out and find healthy hobbies and do fun things with friends. Reclaim the life you had before you met him. Be that person again. Enjoy a dinner out or a movie with a friend. Take a class. Do something purely for you.

 

When I had a broken heart, I would also make myself plan a "treat" for each day. Then, no matter how sad the day got, I had a treat to look forward to. I think I went through more bubble baths than any person had a right to, but it was a little something for me.

 

Stay away from him. Don't have any contact whatsoever. Your past with him strongly indicates there is no good future with him. Don't put yourself at risk for any more heartache.

 

Finally, when you are ready, do not ever date a man again who can not offer you the same that you are offering him. That means, date only a single man who can commit solely to you. If he's asking that of you, then he needs to be able to give it back. Also, set high standards. He needs to earn your friendship then ultimately your love. Be kind and earn his friendship and his love while he's earning yours, but don't compromise on those things that matter most: trust, honesty, fidelity and kindness.

 

Broken hearts truly heal. It's when we choose to heal that things can start getting better. Best of luck. You will survive.

[who_am_i]

Thank you.

I still spend a lot of time thinking about him and wondering what things are like for him over there now...if he's better off. I don't know why, but I worry about him. Pathetic, right?

I miss the way things were when we first got together. There is so much regret. I'm sick of crying. It's gotta get easier.

[loredo21]

Thank you.

I still spend a lot of time thinking about him and wondering what things are like for him over there now...if he's better off. I don't know why, but I worry about him. Pathetic, right?

I miss the way things were when we first got together. There is so much regret. I'm sick of crying. It's gotta get easier.

 

It does get easier! It just takes time. I promise one day he will seem like a distant memory. You will feel so much better when you can move on with your life and focus on you a little bit. Start doing things for YOU again!