So close to cheating :(...leave him alone?

[Belissa]

Hello everyone, I need your advice... I am the other woman. I am in love with a man who is in relationship with his girlfriend for ten years now. They have two children (4 & 1) but they are not married. They live together in the house he built himself and he will be paying for it for next ten years. She is at home with children and support family from her maternity leave. He doesnt love her ( from all I know) but he take care of her and is nice to her and really loves his children. We have "relationship" for nearly a year now, including great chemistry and understanding. He visits me or we meet at our neighbors house few times a week. He helps me repair our family house and do all hard chores. I cook for him and we spend time eating, talking, laughing, drinking coffee together or just sharing what's new. We exchange some small presents when there is some occassion and support each other. He is here for me nearly all the time I need him. His older son loves me and I love him. They sometimes visit me on weekends and we spend time together. He loves that and make plans for the future trips we will take with his son. He says that in the same minute she dumps him, he want me to come to live with him. He says if he is not in this relationship, he would marry me immediatelly. He says he feel great with me, he feels really at home in our house. I know he wants me but he doesn't want to cheat on her. We touch each other all time but not more. We share interests and feel happy and safe together. However, there is the other side of that. My family doesn't really approve. They like him but they don't approve his behaviour. He can't or doesn't really try to hide his feeling towards me in front of other people. I feel frustrated because of the arguments I have with my family, because I want him to be with me all time and because I feel bad about the situation and his girlfriend. She knows about me but she trust him because he has not cheated on her before. I want him ( sex, life with him, everything) but I don't want to destroy his life. Please, help me. What should I do? Leave him alone ( i am not sure if he let me)? Is there a chance that he will leave her? Or I am just one of thousands naive girls? I've decided ... I want him despite all the troubles, I want to take care of him and his sons, love him and live with him... But only when he will be free...I can wait some time...but I need to know if it is possible that he will leave her...It's getting harder and harder every day...my family is more and more angry, his girlfriend surely too, we get used to each other more and more and we get attracted to each other more and more... I am affraid that it will end badly soon. Please, what's your opinion?

[Eggplant]

I was there. Madly in love for more than a year. His family, like that of your MM, lives in a house he built himself.

 

He was from another country. I didn't know he was married. But still -- the ultimate position I found myself in was your position. When I found out, he said he would divorce, but I cut off all contact.

 

Despite my best attempts to rationalize everything else, what I couldn't deal with was his betrayal of his wife. I couldn't be an accomplice in tearing his family apart. How could I be with a man who would betray his wife? That for me was like being in an oven; I'd have melted. He wouldn't even show any remorse about what he'd done to her. It's truly a horrible situation. I'm still so devastated. I would have faced down all the barriers between us (country, standard of living, being a stepmother). But the last thing had to do with his character.

 

Even if you're 10x better than his girlfriend, a good man wouldn't lie to and betray the mother of his children. He would have been up front with her about the situtation.

[Belissa]

Thanks for reply. It really makes me feel that I am not alone in this. I cant really say that he lied to anybody yet. He is sincere to me about all situation ( at least I hope in that), to my family and people around us too. And she knows about me too, about his visists in my house and his help, she also know about his feelings towards me (but probably not everything) and that her son loves to spend time with me. She behave as she doesnt care as long as we don't sleep together. He is very good and honest man. He really doesnt want to cheat on her. We try to be friends but it is getting very hard to not become more than that.

They are not really married.

[dubliner]

I'm in almost the same situation, although I had a relationship with the man many years previously (long story)

My EA is now in its 4th year, he has been waiting for her to end their relationship for 5years, they also have a very young child that was conceived despite the fact that he no longer loves her.

I feel there are two types of person, one that directs their own life and one that allows their life to be directed.... unfortunately one who waits for their partner/spouse to make the decision to end the relationship is a coward and surrenders their direction to others.

your year may become two, four, ten.... don't wait around for something that is unlikely to happen, get out and live, meet single men, if he wants to be with you he will make that decision, if not then you'll be on step one of letting go.

[whichwayisup]

He is very good and honest man.

 

Very good and honest men don't do what he is doing, and they certainly don't bring their children along for the ride.

 

They are not your children so please, do not wish for you all to end up in your house as one family with his girlfriend of ten years, mother of their children looking in. Sorry to say this, even though you haven't actually said it, the feeling i get from reading what you've said about it all, you just wish she would leave him and their kids so you can take her family for yourself, leaving her looking in at you all while she's all alone.

 

JUST KNOW that there is lying going on. This man is making a fool of his partner. She might as well be his wife since they are a family and been together for 10 years.

 

He isn't leaving. Yet he is playing 'house' with you on the side. Sick game and yes, you are going to get hurt.

 

Do you feel bad about what is going on? He isn't yours and his children are not yours either. yes they may like spending time with you but don't think they will choose you over their mom. Sorry if I've misunderstood your posts, but it just seems like you have all this hope and think he is leaving her for you when in fact he isn't going.

[Belissa]

Dubliner, you are right... And I know exactly what you mean...well, it is not my first time... I lost 6 years of my life on previous man like that...it is starting to look like some pattern on my side...but I believe it is not... Both are different cases and really accidents...long story...but I am more affraid now that I will loose long time on this man and get hurt again although I love him...

I want to do that...start to see somebody else...but I cant really find anybody with whom I want to go out

[whichwayisup]

.well, it is not my first time... I lost 6 years of my life on previous man like that...it is starting to look like some pattern on my side...but I believe it is not... Both are different cases and really accidents...long story...but I am more affraid now that I will loose long time on this man and get hurt again although I love him...

I want to do that...start to see somebody else...but I cant really find anybody with whom I want to go out

 

Something is broken inside of you to keep going after men who are already married. Your first painful experience should have been enough to keep you away from this guy. Yes, he is not married, but he does have a partner of 10 years and children with her. They are family. HE is wrong to do what he is doing with you, leading you on. Sadly you will lose this man, he isn't available to start a life with you, have kids with you.

 

I hope you do some counseling to figure out why you don't think you're good enough for a single man to start a life with..Why you go after MM. You're choosing the wrong kind of men to date and get involved with. Once you gain confidence and realize that MM are NOT worth fighting for, especially this one, when the timing is right you will find a better (single) man, to love only you. Someone you can be proud of and not hide and worry what your friends and family think of him.

[whichwayisup]

I'm in almost the same situation, although I had a relationship with the man many years previously (long story)

My EA is now in its 4th year, he has been waiting for her to end their relationship for 5years, they also have a very young child that was conceived despite the fact that he no longer loves her.

I feel there are two types of person, one that directs their own life and one that allows their life to be directed.... unfortunately one who waits for their partner/spouse to make the decision to end the relationship is a coward and surrenders their direction to others.

your year may become two, four, ten.... don't wait around for something that is unlikely to happen, get out and live, meet single men, if he wants to be with you he will make that decision, if not then you'll be on step one of letting go.

 

Don't you think his (non) action is showing you he isn't leaving his wife and child?

 

So both you and your MM are passive and waiting for the other to make a decision. His wife is not going to divorce him because she loves him and has NO clue he's been having an A throughout most of their marriage. You are waiting for him, and sadly, you'll be waiting another 4 years.. What happens when he tells you she's pregnant again? Will you still stay and wait or will you wake up and realize you're wasting your precious heart on someone who is having their cake and eating it too. Yes, that's what he's doing. He is where he wants to be. Those who divorce, DO SO, they don't sit passively waiting to see what happens next.

 

Wish you both luck in gaining strength to end your A's so you can find single men who can give you everything, not just bits and pieces on their time frame.

[wisernow]

I'm confused. Perhaps, you can help me understand your situation. You brought up your family not being happy with your relationship with him, and the many fights because of that. Do you live with your parents? Are you very young? Do you want your own man and family (children) one day? Also, I don't think you said, but how long has all this been going on? Days, weeks, months, years?

[Belissa]

I dont want to argue about that. No one is saint. I just want to say by that - he is not evil bastard who doesnt care about mother of his children.

Yes, I know they are not my family. And i didnt want to get involved with his children from the beginning because I know it will hurt her more. And I dont want that. It just hapenned. He made this decision that he wants me to meet his kids.

I dont want to steal his family. I want him and he comes with the children.

Well, i dont really know what to do...to be honest, i wish to be with him but I cant sit and wait if they split up or not...we cant stop seeing each other ( he lives near and help my family etc.)...we are trying to be friends but it is hard...in the end we always start to behave as a couple...

[Belissa]

I'm confused. Perhaps, you can help me understand your situation. You brought up your family not being happy with your relationship with him, and the many fights because of that. Do you live with your parents? Are you very young? Do you want your own man and family (children) one day? Also, I don't think you said, but how long has all this been going on? Days, weeks, months, years?

 

Well, I live in the house my parents bought. I live here mostly alone, I repair it while finnishing my studies. They will come to live here full-time when the house will be ready. I am 28. Yes, sure I want my family. It is year now.

[georgia girl]

Please don't do this. Not for his sake or for hers or for even their children's. As much as you think you want this, don't do this for YOUR sake.

 

As soon as you accept a relationship with someone who is married or otherwise committed, you have agreed to settle. You don't go into it thinking that you've made that deal, but you do. At that point, the equity is lost in your relationship. You will always be the one to give more. You will look for every instance when he gives and amplify it to validate the equity. You will ignore every time he goes home to his partner as invalidate it as "something he has to do."

 

He has made a choice. Until he chooses you freely and clearly, he has not chosen you. Force any man you ever meet to choose you clearly. Stay away from the ones who are committed, the ones who have a fear of commitment, the ones who are "not ready" for a relationship, the ones who have something to finish before they can commit and the ones who do not enter the relationship with you fully engaged.

 

You are entering the relationship fully engaged and excited, smitten and ready to move heaven and earth to make it work. Unless the person you've chosen comes to you with the same eager heart - and that means NO other commitments that he CHOOSES not to end - he isn't offering you a fail deal.

 

I am not an OW or even a BS. I am a MW with a man who was once "not ready" for a commitment. I dumped him and moved on. He wanted to come back and I truly didn't want to let him because I didn't trust him to come to me with a real open heart. He proved it to me and I'm incredibly happy.

 

I have likened being the OW as very similar to being the woman in a relationship with a commitment phobe. If he isn't free to offer you all of him, then don't take what little he will give you. Because like it or not, you're offering him all of you. He is not and regardless of why he says he can't offer you all of him, he has still made that choice. And it will more than likely fail. It does work out on rare occassions, but more than often it doesn't. Relationships without balance are exercises in futility.

 

Sorry for the tough love, but every single person - and especially every single woman (yes, I'm a feminist) - deserves to pick a partner who chooses her first, too.

[whichwayisup]

I dont want to argue about that. No one is saint. I just want to say by that - he is not evil bastard who doesnt care about mother of his children.

Yes, I know they are not my family. And i didnt want to get involved with his children from the beginning because I know it will hurt her more. And I dont want that. It just hapenned. He made this decision that he wants me to meet his kids.

I dont want to steal his family. I want him and he comes with the children.

Well, i dont really know what to do...to be honest, i wish to be with him but I cant sit and wait if they split up or not...we cant stop seeing each other ( he lives near and help my family etc.)...we are trying to be friends but it is hard...in the end we always start to behave as a couple...

 

You cannot be friends with him.

 

Here are your options.

 

-End it. Go no contact and NO friendship. One cannot be 'friends' with someone they're in love with, you've tried that and it isn't working.

 

-Tell him to make a decision. You or her. NO more being his side dish. He cannot have both of you.

 

-Tell her. Let her know that you love her partner and want him for yourself, that you're not going away and that it would be best if she ended it with him and you intend on staying in his life reguardless. Maybe she will not fight you and end it with him.

 

Not sure what else to suggest, but the path you're on is not healthy.

 

Sorry if my replies are harsh, just know they are coming from a good place.

[Belissa]

Don't you think his (non) action is showing you he isn't leaving his wife and child?

 

So both you and your MM are passive and waiting for the other to make a decision. His wife is not going to divorce him because she loves him and has NO clue he's been having an A throughout most of their marriage. You are waiting for him, and sadly, you'll be waiting another 4 years.. What happens when he tells you she's pregnant again? Will you still stay and wait or will you wake up and realize you're wasting your precious heart on someone who is having their cake and eating it too. Yes, that's what he's doing. He is where he wants to be. Those who divorce, DO SO, they don't sit passively waiting to see what happens next.

 

Wish you both luck in gaining strength to end your A's so you can find single men who can give you everything, not just bits and pieces on their time frame.

 

Maybe, i am not sure how much time someone need to make such a decision...to leave somebody after 10 years...

Yes, I am passive... I dont want him to do something stupid and destroy 10 years of his life if he is not sure about us...if she is pregnant again, I will have my answer and end this immediatelly but I doubt that because they dont sleep together for over an year now (i know that for sure), not even in the same room...

I just want to do something before it destroys me

[wisernow]

Maybe, i am not sure how much time someone need to make such a decision...to leave somebody after 10 years...

Yes, I am passive... I dont want him to do something stupid and destroy 10 years of his life if he is not sure about us...if she is pregnant again, I will have my answer and end this immediatelly but I doubt that because they dont sleep together for over an year now (i know that for sure), not even in the same room...

I just want to do something before it destroys me

 

Curious how you are so certain of this? Did he tell you that? That line is a very overused ploy told to OW to keep them in check and in limbo.

[whichwayisup]

ut I doubt that because they dont sleep together for over an year now (i know that for sure), not even in the same room...

I just want to do something before it destroys me

 

Knew that line was coming. Typical line said that most of the time is NOT true.

 

You only have his side of this. Really, is he going to tell you "yes we still have sex and yes I still love her" ?? Of course not!

 

You don't know for sure. You believe him, but that doesn't mean what he is telling you is the truth. So no sex, separate bedrooms, yet they are together for 10 years and he has no intention of leaving her.

 

DO something by telling him YOU'VE been down this road before and refuse to be second fiddle again. Stand up for yourself and don't be afraid of the pain! He isn't yours and never was. One year vs ten years... She isn't going to give up on him so easily, why should she? They are a family.

[whichwayisup]

I want to do that...start to see somebody else...but I cant really find anybody with whom I want to go out

 

You'll never meet anybody or allow any man close to you as long as you're still into him and spending time with him. You gotta end it. Otherwise you will be so hurt.. Though you know this first hand already. Really trying to understand why you're allowing it to happen a second time after being burned already by having an A with someone else who was M.

 

Please consider counseling, a first step.

[Belissa]

Please don't do this. Not for his sake or for hers or for even their children's. As much as you think you want this, don't do this for YOUR sake.

 

As soon as you accept a relationship with someone who is married or otherwise committed, you have agreed to settle. You don't go into it thinking that you've made that deal, but you do. At that point, the equity is lost in your relationship. You will always be the one to give more. You will look for every instance when he gives and amplify it to validate the equity. You will ignore every time he goes home to his partner as invalidate it as "something he has to do."

 

He has made a choice. Until he chooses you freely and clearly, he has not chosen you. Force any man you ever meet to choose you clearly. Stay away from the ones who are committed, the ones who have a fear of commitment, the ones who are "not ready" for a relationship, the ones who have something to finish before they can commit and the ones who do not enter the relationship with you fully engaged.

 

You are entering the relationship fully engaged and excited, smitten and ready to move heaven and earth to make it work. Unless the person you've chosen comes to you with the same eager heart - and that means NO other commitments that he CHOOSES not to end - he isn't offering you a fail deal.

 

I am not an OW or even a BS. I am a MW with a man who was once "not ready" for a commitment. I dumped him and moved on. He wanted to come back and I truly didn't want to let him because I didn't trust him to come to me with a real open heart. He proved it to me and I'm incredibly happy.

 

I have likened being the OW as very similar to being the woman in a relationship with a commitment phobe. If he isn't free to offer you all of him, then don't take what little he will give you. Because like it or not, you're offering him all of you. He is not and regardless of why he says he can't offer you all of him, he has still made that choice. And it will more than likely fail. It does work out on rare occassions, but more than often it doesn't. Relationships without balance are exercises in futility.

 

Sorry for the tough love, but every single person - and especially every single woman (yes, I'm a feminist) - deserves to pick a partner who chooses her first, too.

 

When I read this I feel that everything what you've said is complete true...

The funny thing is that I am a person with commitment issues and unresolved past...and the only person who was able to get me over all of this is this man... I would marry him immediately and have children with him and live with him...i wasnt able to commit to anybody like that before... That is just irony in all of this...and he would choose me first but we met too late...

[Belissa]

Knew that line was coming. Typical line said that most of the time is NOT true.

 

You only have his side of this. Really, is he going to tell you "yes we still have sex and yes I still love her" ?? Of course not!

 

You don't know for sure. You believe him, but that doesn't mean what he is telling you is the truth. So no sex, separate bedrooms, yet they are together for 10 years and he has no intention of leaving her.

 

DO something by telling him YOU'VE been down this road before and refuse to be second fiddle again. Stand up for yourself and don't be afraid of the pain! He isn't yours and never was. One year vs ten years... She isn't going to give up on him so easily, why should she? They are a family.

 

I write I know for sure because I expected this reaction. And yes, I know it...from him (sure he can lie) but also from her and their son who sleeps with his father...and i dont know any reason why whould she lie to me about that...

He knows about my past...I know she will not give up on him so easily but for some reason he thinks or maybe hopes she will...

[wisernow]

This whole story has a very weird dynamic to it. It sounds like you are also a friend to his wife? You're plotting to take her husband, kids and life, yet you're friends with her? I simply ask, because you said that she confirmed to you that they don't sleep together. Very odd. Anyway, good luck. I feel you're going to need it.

[georgia girl]

When I read this I feel that everything what you've said is complete true...

The funny thing is that I am a person with commitment issues and unresolved past...and the only person who was able to get me over all of this is this man... I would marry him immediately and have children with him and live with him...i wasnt able to commit to anybody like that before... That is just irony in all of this...and he would choose me first but we met too late...

 

Please don't lie to yourself and you are when you believe that line. He could choose you first right now. He is choosing not to. WALK AWAY. If he really wants you and he really is the one, he will choose you. If he doesn't, you will have stopped wasting time and moved on with your life.

 

You are choosing your lose/lose situation right now by holding on for something he is not giving you. It's too easy to say, "I would have picked you first..."

 

Repeat this to yourself: "I love me and I put me first. If someone can't choose me, then he doesn't get to be with me. Ever."

 

And then don't waiver. It's too, too easy to give in when you want it so bad.

 

[Lillyfree]

 

Please don't lie to yourself and you are when you believe that line. He could choose you first right now. He is choosing not to. WALK AWAY. If he really wants you and he really is the one, he will choose you. If he doesn't, you will have stopped wasting time and moved on with your life.

 

You are choosing your lose/lose situation right now by holding on for something he is not giving you. It's too easy to say, "I would have picked you first..."

 

Repeat this to yourself: "I love me and I put me first. If someone can't choose me, then he doesn't get to be with me. Ever."

 

And then don't waiver. It's too, too easy to give in when you want it so bad.

 

THIS.

 

should be something all of us who are/were involved with a man already in a relationship say to ourselves EVERY DAY.

[Belissa]

You tell me to move on... but to where? I moved on many times...and it gets me nowhere... I was alone all my life...when should I stop looking? I am tired of looking for "someone better"? Maybe I should just give up right now? What if there is no one better for me? There is plenty of single men around me - nice, handsome, good men but i am not interested in them...

[Eggplant]

You tell me to move on... but to where? I moved on many times...and it gets me nowhere... I was alone all my life...when should I stop looking? I am tired of looking for "someone better"? Maybe I should just give up right now? What if there is no one better for me? There is plenty of single men around me - nice, handsome, good men but i am not interested in them...

Belissa, have faith that you will find love. Take the jump, not knowing where you'll land. It's frightening. I came to the conclusion that I'd rather be alone and sad myself than part of the agony of the wife and daughters. If you love him, don't you love his children by extension? And you must be ready to sacrifice your happiness for theirs. That is what a stepmother should be prepared to do. In my case, he was a devoted father, not an evil person, so it was hard...

[Eggplant]

I'm currently dating and meeting interesting guys, but I haven't gotten over him yet. But I'm trying.