whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Share Posted March 11, 2013 Maybe I am just damaged... I couldnt commit to any single guy in my life... I always run away from them because I know I would never love them...i fell in love only with men with whom I cannot be... maybe is something terribly wrong with me... I keep on telling you to seek some counseling. You are making choices that are wrong for you and ones that mess you up. Picking the wrong types of men, having affairs with taken men, is not good and you lose out every single time. Fix you and face your problems head on so you can change your ways and live a happier and healthier life. Settling to be second fiddle is not a good way to live life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Belissa Posted March 11, 2013 Author Share Posted March 11, 2013 How is she to know her relationship is at risk if he doesn't say a word and isn't talking to her??!! She isn't a mind reader! HE HAS to communicate what he feels with her, that is, if what he is telling you is true. For all you know, he could be fine with things at home and he's just looking to have two women to meet all his needs, have an A with you and keep living with her and keep his family together. Bottom line is, if someone is unhappy and wants out of their marriage, they just DO IT, even if children are involved. You're way too focused on him, his kids, their life. What about YOU and your life, your friends, your job, neighbours, co workers etc..etc.. Everything seems to be all about him. Try putting yourself first and less focus on him. You are always harsh on me. Thanks for that! Maybe I dont believe everything you say it is true for my case. I left out a few things which are hard for me to speak about. Maybe they would change your opinion about him, maybe not... But what you are trying to do here helps me a lot... I am not so naive...all of these things goes in my head...but I just couldnt say them out loud. I just doesnt feel strong enough to end this affair now. Yes, I said "affair"...because that's what it is... I know what I am doing to his family and I know what he is doing to me...Maybe I am stupid but I still hope...cant help myself... I am trying to focus on myself, keep him away from me as long as possible (he doesnt make it easy for me, he always stays close in case I need him)... I considered that he could be really happy at home...that is why I dont want to speak with her and make bigger mess than it is... And I also dont want to give him an ultimatum... I am just not that kind of girl...i am more like " if you want me, you know where to find me" but I need to add to this "when you are free" ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Belissa Posted March 11, 2013 Author Share Posted March 11, 2013 Thanks all of you for your advice and support!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Share Posted March 11, 2013 Just keep on being honest here and talk out your thoughts. If you want to share more of your situation and the taken man, then do so, if not then that's okay too. It's good you see what I'm saying, even if you're not ready to end the A, you can day by day rely on him less, (rely on friends, family, neighbours to help you with fixing stuff in your house) focus on YOU and YOUR life, not his. Detach emotionally, not lean on him or rely on him for your own happiness. this is a process of continual effort, that is, if you want to try to do this so you can get stronger to end things completely. The longer you stay with him as things are, the harder it will be for you to end it. And, the bigger chance of her finding out if you stay with him. Imagine that conversation and the pain you'll be facing. Not only hers but your own because he WILL choose her over you. Please do the counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Belissa Posted March 11, 2013 Author Share Posted March 11, 2013 Well, i will have to face him tomorrow. I am not ready to end this right now ...but I've decided to tell him all of this and confront him and eventually insist on being friends "without any benefits" as long as he is not available. I will try to spend more time with other people, get out of his reach and think. If he crosses the line, I will have the reason to end it. He will leave her, we end up real friends, he lose interest or he will behave the same as before and I will put an end to this ...either way I would know what to do next... I know it is risky but if I can be strong and strict enought and dont cross the line myself...maybe it can work??? I need to find a compromise between my heart and my head... Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I just wanted to say by that... I am prepared to take care of them if necessary...i dont have children yet and to have two children to take care of even partially is not easy for me... You all dont understand one thing... i dont want to be mother for his children... And i will never be... I just wish I would have a good relationship with them ( if we will be together) Well, if you think so... Than yes, I am cheating... But I dont want to take over anybody's life...i didnt choose this... I tried to be "moral" for almost 8 months... He did everything to make me happy and get my attention...and i dont mean stupid things like flowers and chocolates... He helped me repair our house and he helped me with all hard chores in the house, he got everything I need...many times I insisted that he should stop helping me but he come anyway...and he didnt get anything else than smile and thank you from me...i am sorry if you think I am immoral but after so long time I just became weak and I stopped pushing him away... i don't think you are immoral. i believe you are a good person, that you genuinely care for MM and his children. and it would be hypocritical of me to judge you for falling for someone that's taken. the point i was trying to get across was that if his BS found out about what's going on between you, she will be hurt, and could lash out. if she found out that he was involving his kids in the A, i can guarantee you that she WILL lash out. you are putting yourself in a potentially dangerous situation, and need to put some boundaries in place. and what you two have going on is an affair. you might not think it is because you haven't had sex yet - a good test is, can you be completely honest with his spouse about everything that's said between you? BS probably has no idea what's going on and that's why she's allowing him to bring her son over, i would sincerely doubt she 'doesn't care'. please look after yourself first. don't take everything he says for granted, there is a good chance he could be lying to both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I know it is risky but if I can be strong and strict enought and dont cross the line myself...maybe it can work??? I need to find a compromise between my heart and my head... Actually, what's riskier is to continue to risk your heart and your happiness on someone who hasn't picked you. There's no compromise in real love. He's either all in or he needs to be all out. That's how relationships work. Value yourself more than you value him. You can do this. It's the best thing in the world you can ever do for yourself. Take care! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Actually, what's riskier is to continue to risk your heart and your happiness on someone who hasn't picked you. SOOO true. I should have heeded this myself. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Well, i will have to face him tomorrow. I am not ready to end this right now ...but I've decided to tell him all of this and confront him and eventually insist on being friends "without any benefits" as long as he is not available. I will try to spend more time with other people, get out of his reach and think. If he crosses the line, I will have the reason to end it. He will leave her, we end up real friends, he lose interest or he will behave the same as before and I will put an end to this ...either way I would know what to do next... I know it is risky but if I can be strong and strict enought and dont cross the line myself...maybe it can work??? I need to find a compromise between my heart and my head... I'm sorry Belissa, but you are wanting to bargain and that won't work for you. You have allowed yourself to be at a disadvantage, don't put yourself into more harms way. You lack boundaries, and you are kidding yourself if you think you can control it by bargaining a friendship. Step away from the fire and figure out why you have commitment issues. A good website is baggage reclaim. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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