my gf doesnt seem to care that her child is rude to me

[donnie_doormat]

im constantly becoming more depressed with my relationship of over 2 years to the love of my life, and i know the reason revolves around her relationship with her children and how hard i find it to fit in.

 

we are both 34 and she has 2 boys 11 and 7 from her last relationship, i do not have my own children. we do not live together but i try to stay with her as much as possible usually 3 or 4 times a week.

 

a big problem i have is that although im making ground with the eldest son now after struggling hard for ages, a medical issue that has nearly gone for him has meant he is behaving much better now and i feel we get along really well.

 

however the youngest son still is just plain spoilt and rude most of the time i see them, and although im not a disciplinarian by any means, im constantly finding myself unhappy with how he behaves, to the point where he attempts to use sarcasm towards me that a 7yo just cannot pull off, will not greet me unless spoken to, will not even answer me when my partner is not around, and is really leaning towards brat behaviour as he is aware of what he is doing as i see him smile when i actually say something only to get shut down by my partner, as if he has succeeded in getting 1 up.

 

the frustration comes mostly from the fact that my partner refuses to back me up, or even see these things and makes excuses for him and yesterday went as far as telling me im too hard on him, which really hurt. i try to talk about it with her and she does not what to hear a thing about him like hes an angel and im a grumpy bastard!

 

why cant she see hes rude to me and in general? and why doesnt she care that not listening to me or dealing with it is affecting me?!?

 

please help

[2sure]

If she disagrees completely with your parenting skills, discipline expectations, and values ...then you gotta go. You are not for her.

 

But if she doesn't...then she needs to back you up . If she thinks you were a little off or has any advice she takes you aside later. But unless the two of you are acting like a team and backing each other up...you are the outsider and they are the team. It will only get worse .

 

But all is not lost. Have an open discussion with her about this and think about reading some step parenting books together . This isn't something that comes naturally to many people...both the steps and the bio parents.

[Dragonfruit]

I think she is doing the right thing, really. Her kids have already been through a lot of changes and however strong your feelings, that is not the same as permanence or long term commitment, you are only a boyfriend, not the father or stepfather. It would suit you to have things changed with how the children are raised to suit you better, but it would be terrible for them to be re-designed every time mother gets a new boyfriend. You may be it, or there may be a whole string of new ones. Two years as a non-living together boyfriend, imo, doesn't qualify.

 

Things might work better if every time something came up, you pictured what you would do if it was say, a co-worker's child or a guy friend's child. My guess is you would not expect to be very involved or to have the child disciplined the way you preferred, and it wouldn't bug you as much. Any way you slice it, you are not their father (or stepfather), so discipline rightfully belongs to her, her way, not yours. I'd guess that is what she is saying to you as well, with her actions.

 

Which brings up my next point, especially if I didn't have any kids, I would watch this and think long and hard about taking on someone else's children. It is very difficult and the problems you have now are very minor in the overall scheme of it. Just my thoughts, hope it helps. Good luck.

Edited March 11, 2013 by Dragonfruit

[2sure]

If he sleeping over there three or four times a week, that's pretty involved .

[Dragonfruit]

What I said is there is no commitment or permanence. And, right, he doesn't even live there. Parenting is the right and responsibility of parents, not boyfriends, imo. But of course all is up to them.

[todreaminblue]

im constantly becoming more depressed with my relationship of over 2 years to the love of my life, and i know the reason revolves around her relationship with her children and how hard i find it to fit in.

 

we are both 34 and she has 2 boys 11 and 7 from her last relationship, i do not have my own children. we do not live together but i try to stay with her as much as possible usually 3 or 4 times a week.

 

a big problem i have is that although im making ground with the eldest son now after struggling hard for ages, a medical issue that has nearly gone for him has meant he is behaving much better now and i feel we get along really well.

 

however the youngest son still is just plain spoilt and rude most of the time i see them, and although im not a disciplinarian by any means, im constantly finding myself unhappy with how he behaves, to the point where he attempts to use sarcasm towards me that a 7yo just cannot pull off, will not greet me unless spoken to, will not even answer me when my partner is not around, and is really leaning towards brat behaviour as he is aware of what he is doing as i see him smile when i actually say something only to get shut down by my partner, as if he has succeeded in getting 1 up.

 

the frustration comes mostly from the fact that my partner refuses to back me up, or even see these things and makes excuses for him and yesterday went as far as telling me im too hard on him, which really hurt. i try to talk about it with her and she does not what to hear a thing about him like hes an angel and im a grumpy bastard!

 

why cant she see hes rude to me and in general? and why doesnt she care that not listening to me or dealing with it is affecting me?!?

 

please help

 

 

 

you need to tell her why he is rude to you if she can tsee it.....it isnt appropriate for a child to disrespect any adult.....no matter what they think of them or how they feel, could be unresolved father issues....resentment that you are there and not the dad..just ignore it where you can it may take a little time for the younger child to warm to you ...do not put up with disrespect.....it isnt in any way ....a positive start to building a relationship ......you have to pull him up if he is disrespectful to you in a non threatening manner......something like "i am sorry you feel that you can talk to me the way you do" leave it at that and discuss with the mum some strategies to deal with his disrespect.....dont let it slide ....a gentle nudge that you dont accept it.....deb

[donnie_doormat]

thanks guys all good advice,

 

yes it is really hard to talk to her about it as she immediately gets defensive, and i guess my issue is that we talk of spending our life together and love each other so permanancy is kind of where im at and feel that the reason we dont already live together is from her unresolved issues with her ex and custody 5 years later.

 

but i guess my main issue is not even about me, i hear of friends and others commenting on how precious she is with them and how much her kids milk it for all its worth, i feel bad.

 

but on the other note after reviewing your advice i have to make a stand because i do have values that i think are bare minimum and it just makes me depressed if im expected just to shut the **** up every time im spoken to or treated in a way that if it was a strangers child you would just laugh, and this is becoming everytime i see them. or she could teach them respect for adults 101 since its potentially not my job to input into discipline ,and i can get on with having a proper relationship with both her kids and happily ever after!