Do/did you LOVE your AP?

[Sarabi]

Only he knows what he truly feels not me. I would say this is the same for each and every one of us on LS and beyond, we know our situations, no one else does.

He told me he loves me. He told me twice recently he will love me until he dies...it might be true but before our fallout/NC it gradually started to become irritating, annoying and slightly irrelevant because once upon a time at an altar or registry office somewhere, he also told someone else he would love them until he died

I love him...

...which is why I want him to really leave me alone now and go and make his family happy.

You can't be reconciling and winning back your wife's trust while still telling me you want to make up. Its all or nothing. She deserves his all...

...and as I am not committed to him I am walking away quietly with nothing.

[Sarabi]

Even though we are where we are supposed to be today, I still love him. I honestly have evaluated myself - I tried to "hate" him, but can't do it. It is what it is. Hating him would be way easier, for sure.

 

Would it? The opposite of love isn't hate...its indifference

 

...Hate means you still care

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Would it? The opposite of love isn't hate...its indifference

 

...Hate means you still care

 

I know - hate is obviously close for sure. What I was getting at is I wish I could feel nothing I guess.

[sunshine63]

I absolutely loved my AP; and I still love him. We are no together I am very happy with someone; and I hope he has found happiness, too.

 

My first husband had a long-term affair during our marriage. I am also completely convinced that he was deeply in love with the woman he was having the affair with.

 

When affairs last for years and years, there is something besides sex, newness, and the Adrenalin of getting caught that keep the fires burning. After two, three or more years, I believe it is love - and I know there are those who are going to vehemently disagree with me - but there are not too many women in the world who have the ability to keep a man around for three years if doesn't want to be there!

[Decorative]

That's actually how I've come to view marriages. It's not a dig, it's actually kind of just a sad statement of the reality I see.

 

You take that view as you actively participate in a situation that harms a marriage.

 

It would be more logical for you to be in a relationship with another unmarried person who also did not respect the idea of marriage.

 

But to view marriage that way, and yet participate in this triangle... That seems like an unsustainable position.

 

To me.

[Sarabi]

I know - hate is obviously close for sure. What I was getting at is I wish I could feel nothing I guess.

 

I think its one of those wait and see situations. You can't force yourself to feel nothing. Or force yourself not to love someone. The feelings fade or diminish or disappear...or maybe they never really disappear for some. Everyone is different.

 

What about parents with children who have moved away who they don't see often or may have fallen out with..? Do they stop loving those children just because they hardly see them or are not talking?(I know its not the same kind of love lol but anyway!)

[HonestNeurotic]

First AP - no. Did not love him. Sure, as a person. As I love my friends. But not courtly/romantic love stuff. In fact, I really have little experience with that.

 

Current AP - Yes. I love him. Now, what does that MEAN? i.e., I cannot judge whether another loves as I do without understanding exactly what the word "love" means to another.

 

It makes a difference where one is coming from in their own personal beliefs. And of course, hindsight for those of us that are say - over 40 and more. I had an entirely different belief system (or rather, I should say I tried to fit within those normal confines that we've placed on ourselves) when I was first married and had a family. I was faithful to him, we had a fantastic sex life. He was a good decent man. But I was never in love with him. I got divorced because I realized that I was not in love with him. We had absolutely nothing in common except for the sex. He loved the "idea" of me. This person that I just never was, trying so hard to be "normal".

 

I went into my current marriage knowing that the sexual attraction was not really there, and that he had a low libido. Because everything else as far as living with somebody is great. Well, except that packratism thang. If it bothered him that I had AP's, then I wouldn't engage in it anymore.

 

I do love my MM. I also expect nothing in the way of a life with him. I anticipate that one day it will be over. I don't find it impossible to love more than one person. I also think that one can be very in love with someone, but it would be a toxic kind of relationship should they try to be married and live "happily ever after". I rather had that with what I call My Favorite Mistake. I loved him, we were both single, but there is no way that could ever have worked out. And it did not. It was great while it lasted.

 

I also separate Sex and Marriage and Love. Hence, I put forth that what we all define as "love" in our minds may not be the same thing. I know that I love my children no matter what. I know my puppeez love me, but if they were lost and another took them in they would love them too. (said in JEST - okay? - I know that people are different from dogs)

[So happy together]

I love him. I have loved him for a long time. As we stepped into the PA, it cemented my feelings for him. I like how he looks. I like how he smiles. I like the way he thinks, his sense of humor, his thoughtful ways, his sensitivity, his caring for others in general. I love his treatment of me, that he accepts me, even with my faults. And I accept his. The positives outweigh the negatives by a landslide.

 

I love him.

 

I have to say, I also do not believe in marriage. I think it is antiquated and I will never marry again. I think that if you believe in it, and want to be married, that is great. It's just not for me. And I see a lot of people not respecting it at all. I think it is unnecessary.

[Mikes Girl]

I agree with So happy together. I love everything about my MM. He is close to perfect in my eyes. I adore and love him more than I have ever loved anyone. Too bad I'm in NC for the last few days.

[psm04]

Yes, I loved my xOMM, and I still love him, but unfortunately, it didn't and doesn't matter. It was still an A, and we weren't each other's to begin with.

[Got it]

And maybe this is why I can not wrap my head around the belief. I'm a science mind. I have a very difficult time believing in an outcome that is so small. I'm an atheist because there is no empirical evidence for god. I'm a socialist because marx's arguments are stronger than smith's. I'm an evolutionist because that's where the science is. I'm an environmentalist because the proof is rationally undeniable. I'm a utilitarianism because bentham's hedonistic calculus' numbers are strong. I go to doctors, not faith healers... And so it is: I don't invest time, energy and resources into a situation where the odds aren't in favor of anything but pain... I find it gullible, naive and redundant.

 

So you don't date I assume?