I don’t think I am very good at love

[stevie_23]

I always thought I was a pretty good partner. Generous, affectionate, gentle, supportive, funny, encouraging, open minded, arguably fairly hot looking…what’s not to love!?

 

BUT…it seems that when I am IN love with someone, I don’t always treat them as well as I should. 90% of the time I’m the above things. A VERY good partner to have. But the other 10% of the time, I am a selfish, verbally abusive bitch. It’s like I’m a different person, and it’s all based on my ever present insecurity that then manifests itself as lashing out and pushing the person away (unconsciously), accusing them of hating me, wanting to leave me, and so on and so on. I’d throw things, swear, cry, storm out, threaten to hurt myself, slam doors and be as verbally hurtful as possible.

 

It seems when I am IN love with someone, I NEED them a LOT. And that need creates those problems in me. I rely on them for my happiness, which is never going to end well. I rely on them to “fix” the stuff that’s wrong with my own self and my life (on an unconscious level). I rely on them to COMPLETE me, which nobody can ever truly do for another person.

 

I used to think my “tantrums” I had (see above description in the 3rd paragraph) were immaturity (and to an extent, they very much are. Self indulgence and an immature coping mechanism), because I don’t do that anymore to my long term partner. But then I suddenly realised I did them to my first ever partner many years ago, my current partner for the years I was IN love with her AND my ex-MM who I was in love with also. And so it seems I have NOT grown out of this behaviour at all.

 

It seems that rather, I just don’t exhibit it when I’m NOT in love. That’s why I’ve been “good” since my in love feelings faded for my partner.

 

And so…what the hell is that? I am a BETTER partner (on the surface) when I’m NOT in love with someone?!

[LadyGrey]

Stevie, we are all a mix of good and bad. Some of it more extreme than others.

 

I see you asking yourself a lot of hard questions, that is a good thing,

 

Maybe therapy could help you find what is at the root of all this? Find who you really are, and how to be at peace and happy with that person. I think you have a very kind heart in there.

[stevie_23]

Yeah. I do like challenging my brain sometimes.

 

I know I have a kind heart. It’d just be nice if my selfishness and fear wouldn’t get in its way so much!

 

I am actually warming to the idea of therapy. I always thought I knew it all before and no therapist would be able to enlighten me, but I’m now leaning towards the idea that just talking and exploring with an objective person who is NOT my own self could be pretty valuable.

 

I do wonder though, why I cannot seem to extract being in love with needing someone to an unhealthy extent. And then when I don't feel in love with them anymore, so I calm down in that regard, I then get bored and do something like have an affair! Is there no balance!?

[LadyGrey]

Maybe you have the wrong expectations of love or should I say wrong expectations of long term love? I have struggled with this myself.

 

 

 

Yeah. I do like challenging my brain sometimes.

 

I know I have a kind heart. It’d just be nice if my selfishness and fear wouldn’t get in its way so much!

 

I am actually warming to the idea of therapy. I always thought I knew it all before and no therapist would be able to enlighten me, but I’m now leaning towards the idea that just talking and exploring with an objective person who is NOT my own self could be pretty valuable.

 

I do wonder though, why I cannot seem to extract being in love with needing someone to an unhealthy extent. And then when I don't feel in love with them anymore, so I calm down in that regard, but then I get bored and do something like have an affair! Is there no balance!?

[stevie_23]

Hmm. I never even thought of that, would you believe?

 

I always kind of thought any relationship (friendship, family, intimate, work colleague) was very much about expectations. If you both expect the same thing and are willing and able to fulfill that, then you’re doing pretty well. Trouble only occurs when there is a discrepancy between the two people’s expectations…

 

But the expectation of love in general? I don’t know. I always thought I had a pretty reasonable view of it in an objective sense. I knew about the honeymoon period, and how that wears off…and then you settle into a more content, stable companionship type of union. What I didn’t know or expect was that my own feelings of being in love would fade to the extent that I’d end up dissatisfied and feeling empty. I didn’t think THIS was what long term settled love felt like. And even if I did know that, I never thought I would be the type of person who wouldn’t be ok with it.

[threelaurels]

It seems when I am IN love with someone, I NEED them a LOT. And that need creates those problems in me. I rely on them for my happiness, which is never going to end well. I rely on them to “fix” the stuff that’s wrong with my own self and my life (on an unconscious level). I rely on them to COMPLETE me, which nobody can ever truly do for another person.

 

I think this is a good example of what people mean when they say you have to love yourself before you can really love someone else. I dislike the analogy people have of a partner being the "other half". You are your own person, and you must be your own person in a relationship or things get unhealthy.

 

If you are looking for someone to complete you, you will probably never find it. What you should be looking for is someone who makes you feel like more of yourself and who you can imagine growing as a person with.

 

BUT…it seems that when I am IN love with someone, I don’t always treat them as well as I should. 90% of the time I’m the above things. A VERY good partner to have. But the other 10% of the time, I am a selfish, verbally abusive bitch. It’s like I’m a different person, and it’s all based on my ever present insecurity that then manifests itself as lashing out and pushing the person away (unconsciously), accusing them of hating me, wanting to leave me, and so on and so on. I’d throw things, swear, cry, storm out, threaten to hurt myself, slam doors and be as verbally hurtful as possible.

 

The first step to correcting these negative behaviors is to acknowledge them. So, congratulations! You're already part of the way there. These behaviors you're describing are totally normal. Most people experience them at one point or another. However, they're still not healthy and should be worked on.

 

It's not fair to your friends, family, partner, or anyone around you to become the subject of your verbal abuse... but they will always be the ones you take it out on. You show them that side of you because you know they will accept you regardless. You would not show a stranger that side of you under ordinary circumstances because it would alter their image of you.

 

Like I said, acknowledging them is the first step. From here, you should focus on why these behaviors seem to come out when they do. Are they more prevalent under stress? You should also start making mental plans to begin acknowledging what is happening the next time you start to do one of those behaviors. Eventually, you will be able to stop yourself before it happens. However, it takes time and isn't an easy process.

[Pierre]

I always thought I was a pretty good partner. Generous, affectionate, gentle, supportive, funny, encouraging, open minded, arguably fairly hot looking…what’s not to love!?

 

BUT…it seems that when I am IN love with someone, I don’t always treat them as well as I should. 90% of the time I’m the above things. A VERY good partner to have. But the other 10% of the time, I am a selfish, verbally abusive bitch. It’s like I’m a different person, and it’s all based on my ever present insecurity that then manifests itself as lashing out and pushing the person away (unconsciously), accusing them of hating me, wanting to leave me, and so on and so on. I’d throw things, swear, cry, storm out, threaten to hurt myself, slam doors and be as verbally hurtful as possible.

 

It seems when I am IN love with someone, I NEED them a LOT. And that need creates those problems in me. I rely on them for my happiness, which is never going to end well. I rely on them to “fix” the stuff that’s wrong with my own self and my life (on an unconscious level). I rely on them to COMPLETE me, which nobody can ever truly do for another person.

 

I used to think my “tantrums” I had (see above description in the 3rd paragraph) were immaturity (and to an extent, they very much are. Self indulgence and an immature coping mechanism), because I don’t do that anymore to my long term partner. But then I suddenly realised I did them to my first ever partner many years ago, my current partner for the years I was IN love with her AND my ex-MM who I was in love with also. And so it seems I have NOT grown out of this behaviour at all.

 

It seems that rather, I just don’t exhibit it when I’m NOT in love. That’s why I’ve been “good” since my in love feelings faded for my partner.

 

And so…what the hell is that? I am a BETTER partner (on the surface) when I’m NOT in love with someone?!

 

You sound like my ex-wife. The best wife ever, but it was my full time job to give her happiness.:laugh: At the end of the day i was exhausted.

 

As you well know---------it cannot be done. No one can make you happy 24/7. If you are not intrinsically happy you are stuck and will have affairs, etc.

 

Please notice how I did no say external validation.

 

Your insight is simply amazing. That is most of the job. Now you need to modify your behavior. Consider cognitive behavioral therapy.

 

I truly admire your recent posts.