Sick of the back and forth game

[blackendangel13]

Ok, I have posted here before on my situation with my ex boyfriend. To make a long story short and not rehash, we broke up (hastily) after a year and a half because I was feeling neglected and he did not know how to deal with some of the obstacles I was facing. Well during the whole month and a half we have been apart we have still been hanging out and when we are together he is wonderful. He acts like my boyfriend and treats me out and everything. Then after he leaves I have no contact with him for a week or so. Well I tried to cut the ties, I quit calling, I quit answering his calls, and tried to move on with my life. I actually started seeing someone else and one day out of the blue, my ex calls while this guy is sitting next to my machine so I didn't feel comfortable not answering. I took the call in the other room and all of the feelings came flooding back. We hung out the following day and it was killing me. I listened to him talk about how he was going crazy since we broke up and he regrets it, but still was very vaugue and did not tell me what he wanted.

 

Throughout the breakup he has said how I was not always open with my feelings and he was right, but now he is completely closed off. I have been putting off talking about how he feels and forcing him to choose but I think I have to now. I have tried to walk away and can't and I think the sooner I get a straight answer the better. Any thoughts on this? I either want to try to work it out or not be with him at all.

[Papillon]

People always regret breaking up, and it's only time that will give you the perspective to see that it was for the best. Unfortunately some people just aren't able to deal with the pain of a breakup, and choose to just keep taggin along....

 

 

"People will choose the misery of the unknown over the uncertainty of the unknown" (Nietzche?)

[shellen]

I know what u mean....

I've been trying to ask my ex for a clear ans for a long long time...

he has a gf already but somehow still wants contact with me...even when i told him i was not interested in a friendship with him....

and when i told him either give me an ans by the end of the day or give me up...he just responded with a gd night

i hope ur ex is not like mine, or else u will never get any straight ans...

 

but ya i think you should ask him directly, if he wants to reconcile then good for u..

if not u can get on with life with no regrets...

but if he is evasive like my ex..

then u will just have to accept his refusal to give an answer as a "no, he does want to be with me".

[blackendangel13]

Thats is why I want to ask him to his face. That way if he does not answer me I still have an answer. I have tried giving him deadlines and all that but then he avoids the subject. I just want him to say he doesn't want to be with me if he doesn't. It is hard though to think that might be the case because I did the no contact thing and he always comes running. You have to love that. Thats why I just need closure and to be done. Good luck to you and thank you for the advice.

[Kate]

same thing with me. my ex has been back and forth in his BEHAVIOR since the first day we started dating. i was too hopeful, thinking things would change. however, he hasn't even been that motivated about his own life, getting financially established, etc., AND it took him a good 2 years to even get the courage to walk away from his first relationship of 4 years which ended shortly before we started dating.

 

some people don't know what they want in life, period. you have to look at the whole picture. i have been torturing myself. when my ex first broke up with me, he said he didn't want it to be for goo d-- just needed time and space. bulls.hit. he didn't want to put in the effort a real relationship requires -- he wanted me, but on his terms only.

 

i have finally decided that the only surefire way to deal with him AT ALL is to cut him off completely. this means a full 60 days. as of a week ago, he is completely cut out of my life. i didn't announce this to him either, as talking was getting too heavy, and it would just keep me in contact with him while he told me that he wasn't ready, but didn't want to lose me. that is the coward approach. he didn't want to risk having it be his fault that we were "over". so he stayed in limbo while i was happy only 10% of the time when he was wonderful. sadly enough, he even told me that the only way he learns is when he has time away from a situation and then realizes what he has. this tells me he will never be capable of giving me what i want at any given time. as long as i am there, he will treat me with what little energy he does have. he wants a lot in life supposedly...but does hardly anything to get it. if he finds a situation he is comfortable with, he will settle and put in the required minimum effort.

 

my advice is to walk clear away. i am hoping i dont talk to him either, because that will send me right back into a tail spin. he is smart enoug to know that i am avoiding him for my own interest. he knows i have been very hurt by his half assed approached to "us". the saddest thing is, even though i am removing myself, i know he won't chase. it's not in his nature. he is a talker, not a doer. i don't want that kind of man. unfortunately for him, he has only had one real relationship (just goes to show, he is 26) and has avoided women almost completely except for flirting at bars when he was not in the relationship. he has intimacy problems and is not emotionally open and has never made himself vulnerable to me. in the end, he doesn't know what he wants, though he claims i am the perfect girl...except he doesn't know how to give me what i need. that is a load of crap, because i have given him everything. the only thing i needed was to feel acknowledged. funny how low i dropped my standards.

 

i am suspecting that after a few weeks drag on, he will start to think about what it is he wants. in the meantime, i am just trying to move ON. i am AFRAID i will take him back if he comes around to me, because the fact is that people don't change very much. their level of dedication and commitment is dependent on how "safe" and comfortable they feel. the second things require effort or thought, they tune out completely. this is what my ex did. he had the best girl, and if he wants me, he has to change completely. but he only has done that when there has been space between us. it's very much in the nature of people like this to act that way, so you can't blame yourself. but you can blame yourself for enabling the behavior. i know, it's very hard to leave. but as long as you are there, they will never do differently -- you are still there! even if the relationship is hell on earth. you have not taken anything away from them and they are clear on what they can get away with.

 

after enough time, you will realize that you just don't want THEM anymore, nevermind the situation. i had a slight inclination my ex was like this, but ignored it for a number of (what seemed to be) very good reasons. bottom line is, no excuses for anyone. we ALL have struggles and are forced to overcome them. how lazy or motivated we are is what makes the difference. if he thought i was dating someone else, i can bet you he would be breaking my door down. he will see. part of me wants vindication, but part of me just wants to forget about him. he has broken me down -- that is what the back and forth crap will do to you.

 

it's a lot more simple than you think, when you can really pick yourself up and just not deal with it. it's just hard when you are too emotionally ovecome. but, really, what are you risking if the person is arleady giving you either nothing or mixed signals? me ignoring him for good now is no worse than being in contact with him where one day he would look at me very open and loving and i would get totally wrapped in him, then the next he acted platonically. he is a coward and i don't think he's aware of that fact. he is also not aware of what this has done to me. the only way he will know all of this is when he realizes i am gone for good. you can only try for so long. try to go out to different places with different people. i did this, but secretly dreaded it before. now, i am seeing the light. it's easy to question yourself, but realize that the person who should question themselves is the one wavering back and forth. once you start to give, they take as much as they can because they are weak. then they retreat with the love you have given them for safety. totally messed up. but, the good news is everyone has a breaking point -- even the most stubborn character will come around if they love you. if they don't then who cares?? you found out the most direct way you could. don't believe people's crap. it's an easy thing to do when you are in love with someone beyond your control.

[shellen]

i thought speaking to my ex in person wld give me closure. he told me he like me but maybe like his current gf more so he will not break up with her. so i said that's gd enough reason and i told him we will go our separate ways then. After I left he sent a msg saying sorry he was not strong enough to admit he love me and continued to contact me. I ignored him for about a week but I finally gave in and asked him what was that all about and he said he just cannot say it to me that he loves me and when i insisted he said yes. then i told him if after 1 yr being with someone else he still has feelings for me, someone he has not been spending any time with, doesn't that tell him something, that im the one he loves. then he avoids me for a week.when he finally responded i told him if i was being thick skinned in assuming that im the one he loves he can just tell me so and he replied, "maybe i wasnt (thick skinned)."

 

well i hope u will have more determination than me

[Merin]

I've been there myself so many times.

 

I just broke things off with my boyfriend over the weekend the reason's are good and justified on my part, but it still hurts none the less.

 

We have also done the back and fourth game so many times.

 

I can tell you from my own experiance in this game, that it only damages you more.

 

Once you have lost trust and faith in someone, trying to continue on the first time it happens is hard enough on the relationship and the emotional toll it takes on you. When it becomes standard operating procedure in the relationship, then there really does have to come a time when you shall finish the game.

 

Right now that is where I am. Trying to finish the game.

 

Your boyfriend isn't being straight up with you and he is running mind games on you to make you question if you are doing the right thing. Although he keeps calling you and saying he misses you ect. what is he doing to show you that? What is he doing to give you reassurance that he is sincere?

 

Sometimes I really think that if the relationship cannot be salvaged, that it is the person who ultimatly "finishes the game" that feels any better later on. It is getting rid of that baggage and feeling good about yourself that you stop allowing another person to hurt you.

 

I hope you start to feel better soon girl;)