Partner's former porn use and my self-esteem

[Mr. Lucky]

When he used porn, he wasn't really supplementing our sex life. He was replacing a huge chunk of it. We would have sex once a week and he wasn't even that into it. There was a dramatic change when he stopped. We started having sex more, and you could tell he was a lot more excited when we did have it. I even commented on it at the time... I just never knew the reason for it until I found out that he had been using porn.

As easy a target as it is, porn isn't the issue. The issue is that he's using ANYTHING to replace your sex life. If he was so preoccupied with Facebook or Call of Duty 4 that he ignored you, would you feel better? Be more fulfilled? Have higher self-esteem? I respectfully submit that you're looking at the wrong part of his anatomy.

 

What is he - late 20's? Early 30's? If you were having sex "once a week and he wasn't even that into it", I guarantee you the occasional solo dance wasn't the reason. You're looking at the wrong issue...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Keenly]

I am seeing a desire for control. Control of thoughts and what he looks at. What's going to be next on your list of things he can't do? You are carving a dangerous path... the thing I don't understand is if the very start of your relationship was fantastic, where he was most likely looking at porn before you made the demand that he stop, if the start was fantastic then what is the problem other than your own jealousy over his thoughts?

 

What if he came to you and said you are no longer allowed to watch your favorite movies or shows because he didnt like them ?

 

It almost seems like you have zero trust on your partner...

 

Also, your "I don't care about how men think" comment is pretty disturbing. Way to invalidate his thoughts.

[kamani]

From what I read in your post, I can see some points that would surely hurt a woman in a long term run.

 

1. He said your body puts him off sometimes.

2. He made suggestive remarks to another woman.

3. He prefers watching porn and masterbating, over you.

4. Doing this he keeps you dissatisfied and your physical demands neglected.

5. He makes your self esteem low by doing all these.

6. He looks unwilling to change his conduct.

7. Above all, you feel so unsecure and a sense of potential betrayal.

 

Can you fix these all, at least the majority?

[Els]

Porn isn't about not being satisfied with the woman that is available. It's about variety, a change of pace. It has NOTHING to do with you at all.

 

No offense but you sound extremely insecure. that's very sad. You should be nothing but proud of losing so much weight - that's a very difficult task! BE PROUD!!!

 

No one has a perfect body. So there is something about yours he doesn't like. Are you saying he looks like Brad Pitt? You need to not be so hard on yourself. It's not healthy. We all have flaws, and if we didn't it wouldn't matter. Men that will cheat will cheat. Halle Barry was cheated on. She's near perfect! Eva Longoria was cheated on! Christie Brinkley. Farrah Fawcett. The list of beautiful women that have been cheated on is endless. Cheating isn't about the betrayed. It's about the cheater having low self esteem and wanting more than they have now.

 

Back to you - porn isn't an awful thing. Not watching porn isn't making your sex life better or worse (unless he's an addict that masterbates daily or more). You shouldn't be so hung up on it. Yes, it hurts to think of our partners getting pleasure by looking at someone else. The truth is, men do this. ALL men. They look at other women. It's how they're wired. I'm not saying men are wired and have to cheat. No, but they are certainly wired to want more than one woman. Society and biology are very much at odds here.

 

So please, don't beat yourself up. It sounds like your boyfriend loves you the way you are. Now you love him - all of him, the him that watches porn occassionally and masterbates. The him that thinks you're beautiful - flaws and all. The him that wants to be with you and is trying to be everything you want.

 

You don't need to be perfect, and the more you try, the more flaws you'll find. Be happy that you're you.

 

I agree with this in most cases. But the OP's bf has clearly stated that it would not be okay with him if SHE watched porn. Don't you think that's a wee bit hypocritical? I could understand porn usage if both parties were free to watch, but it only being okay for him and not for her would lead to resentment. Not to mention that his porn usage was actually affecting their sex life because it was replacing sex for him and he wasn't satisfying her. It's really good that he stopped.

 

OP, AFAIK he has stopped, right? And your sex life is back to normal? In that case, perhaps just let bygones be bygones. Make yourself stop thinking about it and move forward.

[Arabella]

Well, I spent some time thinking about all these responses I've gotten here, and I went and talked to him about it again last night.

 

Like xxoo suggested, I asked more specific, pointed questions about his former porn use to try and understand better what was going on in his head.

 

Here is what was discussed.

 

He was very aware from the beginning of how strongly I felt about porn, he chose to give it up because he felt I was worth it... but he didn't do it right away. He deleted his porn stash and stopped using it back in December. He said he also realized, on some level, that it was damaging to the relationship. I questioned whether he might resent me in the future for having had to give that up (even though I was unaware of it in the beginning) to be with me, and he said he didn't think so, because he did it willingly.

 

When we first got together, we were just FWB and not a couple, and we were only supposed to meet twice a week so he had needs beyond that and he used porn to fulfill them. He also said that he made a point of masturbating the night before seeing me so that he wouldn't be so charged and perform better. However, all this masturbation also meant that he didn't really feel like having sex with me as much.

 

I asked what type of porn he liked to watch, and he told me, he only really looks at man/woman intercourse type porn. No threesomes, no girl-on-girl action, or solo girl scenes... he literally said "None of that does anything for me". This seems consistent with what other posters have said about just wanting to watch the act of sex itself. He also mentioned he likes to mix it up as far as origin/race of the actors goes, although he tends to prefer white women.

 

Turns out that he had never really masturbated without porn, and while he thinks he might be able to do without, it takes so long that it's basically not worth it to him. When we were already a couple but not living together yet, he used porn as a replacement for actual sex to just get off fast and "take the edge off", as he called it, so he could sleep better. He prioritized his immediate needs over me (his words).

 

There is absolutely NO doubt that his masturbation was affecting the frequency and quality of our sex life. For example, we had sex last Sunday, but not Monday. Last night (Tuesday) I asked him if he felt sexually charged at all and he said yes, but he was just very tired and needed to get sleep. This would be one of the times he might have just jerked off and gone to bed. Instead, when I came on to him, the scale tipped and he became quickly interested in having sex with me. Incidentally, it was pretty awesome and satisfactory.

 

So, the conversation ended in a good note. I feel satisfied with the answers and with the current status of our relationship. Case closed.

 

-Arabella

[Els]

Glad to hear it worked out for you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Glad to hear Arabella!

 

Furthermore, porn can be a pretty hard thing (no pun intended) for men to give up because of it's rather addictive nature (no I don't care to hear any backlash about this statement other posters).

 

The fact that he wasn't able to trade it in "right away" isn't really all that bad.

 

It seems he put in the effort and has now been honest with you about a bunch of things. Your reaction to it can make your relationship that much stronger.

 

Best of luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

So, the conversation ended in a good note. I feel satisfied with the answers and with the current status of our relationship. Case closed.

 

-Arabella

Good news all around...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xxoo]

I love it when things feel better after really talking it out. Great resolution!

[Sparty97]

A couple of things:

 

-Why on earth would you ask someone to stop masturbating? It feels good and it's his body. You don't own him any more than he owns you. The very fact that you would expect him to stop (or believe that he did) tells me you are very immature.

 

-Why does the porn really bother you? Is it about YOUR feelings about your body? If so then that's your problem not his. Do you look at fashion mags? Or read rags like US or People? Did you go out with the girls to see Magic Mike? He's not perfect, nor are you.

 

As long as his viewing of porn isn't constant or illegal why on earth should it be a problem for you?

[donnabella8]

I will not compromise on porn. It was one of my absolute deal-breakers when choosing a man, and I communicated that very clearly. He could've chosen to walk away. He had a choice. He chose to hide it from me, at least in the beginning.

 

I have not read all the replies to this thread, but wanted to reply to this quote. If you will not compromise on porn, that is your right and you should then realize this isn't the man for you and move on. You have NO right to require another person to change to fit your values, just as he has no right to make you accept porn. Expecting him to change himself to fit YOUR values is hypocritical, because you are refusing to change yourself for him. If you truly love this man, you will accept that your value systems do not mesh and stop trying for force each others code of ethics upon the other.

 

For the life of me I have never understood how people feel they have the right to try to change other people in the name of love. That is not love, that is control. That is not accepting your partner for who she or he is. Saying "if he loved me he would do this or that" is pure manipulation. Sure, there are things we all would love to change about our partners, but the reality is if you are mature enough to make a commitment to each other, you honor each other as they are. If they do something that goes against your value system, I'm not saying you have to accept it - it is your right to walk away, no matter how much it hurts. But it is NOT your right to insist another person change to fit your "script".

[Keenly]

 

It's not HIS job to placate your self esteem issues. That's yours.

 

 

Exactly, its called SELF esteem for a reason.

[BetheButterfly]

Well, I spent some time thinking about all these responses I've gotten here, and I went and talked to him about it again last night.

 

Like xxoo suggested, I asked more specific, pointed questions about his former porn use to try and understand better what was going on in his head.

 

That's cool.

 

Here is what was discussed.

 

He was very aware from the beginning of how strongly I felt about porn, he chose to give it up because he felt I was worth it... but he didn't do it right away

 

My Dad had a very hard time giving up porn at first, even after marrying my Mom. When my Mom found out about his addiction, she was really hurt. He tried giving it up for her out of love for her, but he didn't have much success until he had daughters and realized that the women in porn are the daughters of other men... that really helped him stop because he didn't want his daughters to be used as masturbation "fodder" but rather wanted us to be respected and loved.

 

He deleted his porn stash and stopped using it back in December. He said he also realized, on some level, that it was damaging to the relationship. I questioned whether he might resent me in the future for having had to give that up (even though I was unaware of it in the beginning) to be with me, and he said he didn't think so, because he did it willingly.

 

That's good. My Dad doesn't resent my Mom at all, nor his daughters, for the reasons why he is a recovering porn addict. He has been sober from porn for I'm not sure how long now (it's sort of weird for me to ask him that ) but I am so proud of him for loving my Mom and for wanting to treat other women with the same respect that he believes his daughters deserve!

 

When we first got together, we were just FWB and not a couple, and we were only supposed to meet twice a week so he had needs beyond that and he used porn to fulfill them. He also said that he made a point of masturbating the night before seeing me so that he wouldn't be so charged and perform better. However, all this masturbation also meant that he didn't really feel like having sex with me as much.

 

Yeah some people can't masturbate and then be ready for sex. I'm like that... that's one reason why I strive not to masturbate, because I want to be ready and horny for my husband!!!

I asked what type of porn he liked to watch, and he told me, he only really looks at man/woman intercourse type porn. No threesomes, no girl-on-girl action, or solo girl scenes... he literally said "None of that does anything for me". This seems consistent with what other posters have said about just wanting to watch the act of sex itself. He also mentioned he likes to mix it up as far as origin/race of the actors goes, although he tends to prefer white women.

 

Turns out that he had never really masturbated without porn, and while he thinks he might be able to do without, it takes so long that it's basically not worth it to him. When we were already a couple but not living together yet, he used porn as a replacement for actual sex to just get off fast and "take the edge off", as he called it, so he could sleep better. He prioritized his immediate needs over me (his words).

 

There is absolutely NO doubt that his masturbation was affecting the frequency and quality of our sex life. For example, we had sex last Sunday, but not Monday. Last night (Tuesday) I asked him if he felt sexually charged at all and he said yes, but he was just very tired and needed to get sleep. This would be one of the times he might have just jerked off and gone to bed. Instead, when I came on to him, the scale tipped and he became quickly interested in having sex with me. Incidentally, it was pretty awesome and satisfactory.

 

I'm so glad at the boldened part!!!

 

So, the conversation ended in a good note. I feel satisfied with the answers and with the current status of our relationship. Case closed.

 

-Arabella

 

Cool! I got here late to the discussion, but I just wanted to say that while other people might judge you for your feelings and say that you shouldn't be upset with his porn use, I completely understand because my parents have talked to me, when I was a teenager, about how porn hurt their marriage and about the reasons why Dad decided to give it up: love and respect. I am so glad he did!!!

 

Now, some people might judge my Mom for being hurt by the porn use of her husband, but those who judge her don't know that she's an awesome and loving lady!!!

[dreamingoftigers]

A couple of things:

 

-Why on earth would you ask someone to stop masturbating? It feels good and it's his body. You don't own him any more than he owns you. The very fact that you would expect him to stop (or believe that he did) tells me you are very immature.

 

 

Re-read for comprehension.

[Arabella]

Gotta love it when people respond to a thread they obviously haven't read.

 

I never asked him to give anything up. I communicated how I felt about porn to him back in the beginning and he chose to hide it from me and stop doing it. I did not find out that he had made that choice until months later. His choice, not mine. Had I known in the beginning, I would most definitely have ended it.

 

To those of you who say he should be able to do whatever he wants... Sure, it's his right to use porn, but it's also my right to choose a man on whatever criteria I deem acceptable. End of story.

 

Sorry people here can't simply understand that values differ from one individual to another, and that doesn't mean they're wrong.

 

Still fine. Still have lots of pretty awesome sex -- sans porn.

 

Thank you all for the responses, particularly to those who tried to help without being judgmental, regardless of their own personal views.

 

-A

Edited March 15, 2013 by Arabella

[donnabella8]

 

Back when we first got involved, I stated many times that I felt porn use was inappropriate when in a relationship and told him upfront that I expected him not to use it. I did tell him that I have no problems with masturbation itself, just with the use of porn, but he said that to him they go together because he can't finish without it. Nevertheless... given that we weren't having sex as often as I'd like, I asked him if he was masturbating. He denied doing so and said he was just tired for the most part.

 

 

The porn topic came up again after a couple of months and I had this gut feeling... I can't even explain it, but it caused me to probe at it. Sure enough, he came clean that he had been using porn and masturbating for a few months, but that he had stopped (right around the time I noticed the difference in our sex frequency) because he knew how I felt about it and the guilt was eating up at him. He also came clean about one other unrelated thing that he had been dishonest about, that I would never had a way of finding out if he hadn't told me. The lying hurt me and caused a few pretty bad arguments, but ultimately I appreciated that he had tried to rectify his behavior so I forgave him and we moved on.

 

If you've read my post, you know that he has stopped doing it for the past few months. He did this because he knew my feelings on it, and he chose to give it up. I only found out about it later. I have NO intention of becoming accepting of this now.

 

-A

 

You never asked him to give anything up? See the bolded above from your original posts.

 

You knew going into this relationship, since you discussed this when you first got involved (your words), that HIS belief was that porn and masturbation go together. But you TOLD him it's "ok" for him to masturbate but he can't use porn. What right did you have to do that? Again, you're imposing your value system on him. As soon as you saw your value systems didn't mesh, which in your words was in the beginning of the relationship, it was time to walk away - not to insist your partner change.

 

If you have "no intention of accepting this now", you walk away. You do NOT insist he change to meet your values.

[Els]

 

If you have "no intention of accepting this now", you walk away. You do NOT insist he change to meet your values.

 

Even though HE decided he would rather change a minor habit than have her leave (or left himself, which he could very well have done, because he isn't held back by any sort of threat by her)? Are you usually in relationships with 6 year olds, where you decide on their behalf what to do because they're too young to decide themselves?