I left and I'm miserable

[dreamingoftigers]

As for what to do next, it sounds like she wants to be married to you but she can't resolve this conflict.

 

Nope. It sounds like she wants to be anything BUT married.

 

It sounds like she's even the wonderous female sexual addict.

(I've been to group, I didn't just pull that theory out of my ass.)

 

It sounds as though OP isn't the idiot in all of this! His wife is and she's gone off of the rails.

 

To tell you to sleep with someone before she would even consider MC is nothing less than disgusting. But she will get her wish. After the divorce, (or filing for it anyhow) somewhere down the line you most likely will sleep with someone else. And it will be a long, long time before you'd ever consider marriage counseling after that.

 

The 'wife' needs to get hit with those papers, yesterday.

 

I don't know how to express to you that this was not your fault and their shouldn't be a truckload of empathy/sympathy delivered to your wife in exchange for the warehouse of bullsh*t she's given to you. YOU were not the idiot AT ALL in this. You've extended more than you should to her while not compromising your values or allowing her to manipulate you. It isn't "old-fashioned" "prudish" or "closed-minded."

 

It's being a man and following through where most people would have caved on one front or another. You have fortitude and you overcame her guilting, manipulations despite months of isolation and watching her break her end of the agreements AND go outside of the marriage again. There are names that women get called for that. In this case they fit beautifully. Feel free to let your counselor know about all of the ones that you brainstorm.

 

Her offering you a "hall pass" or telling your to go outside the marriage isn't for you one iota at all. It's for her so she can tell herself that you "did the same thing." It's her telling herself it's "what this marriage needs." When really it's what's brought a semi through a stained-glass window.

 

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT OP. THERE IS VIRTUALLY NOTHING THAT MAKES SENSE ABOUT THIS OR NOTHING THAT YOU "SHOULD'VE SEEN COMING." Her behaviour is very aberrant to the point where I wonder if she has a personality disorder.

[zoobadger]

...er.... Have you actually read the thread, zoobadger....?

 

Only the original post, then skimmed after that. So my remarks might not be apt. Nevertheless, perhaps food for thought.

[Cierra351]

Now she's angry at me for leaving and making it so public when a simple hall pass would have been easier. She said she loves me and wants to spend her life with me, but this is something she wants to do.

 

I was going off of OP's original statement when I said it sounds like she wants to be married...may have missed something else that was said.

 

I still think marriage counseling is a good next step if both parties are wanting to stay married... it might help her to hear some concerns about the hall pass from someone other than her husband, too.

 

Otherwise, I completely agree with dreamingoftigers - it is not his fault at all. I didn't mean to imply otherwise.

Edited June 9, 2013 by Cierra351

[dreamingoftigers]

I was going off of OP's original statement when I said it sounds like she wants to be married...may have missed something else that was said.

 

I still think marriage counseling is a good next step if both parties are wanting to stay married... it might help her to hear some concerns about the hall pass from someone other than her husband, too.

 

Otherwise, I completely agree with dreamingoftigers - it is not his fault at all. I didn't mean to imply otherwise.

 

Oh I was just trying to tell OP that it wasn't. I wasn't saying that you were saying that it was.

 

(omg, what a sentence)

 

The only thing is that the W won't attend MC unless he uses his "hall pass.":sick:

[LivingWaterPlease]

Good for you in maintaining your integrity and dignity! You are doing very well so far! Now it is time to take another step back and file for divorce.

 

Your wife, being the daughter of alcoholics, grew up, most likely, in emotionally, spiritually and physically chaotic surroundings. Because of this, she has a subconscious comfort level with chaos and is drawn to emotional, physical and spiritual disorder. Seems to me she is trying to recreate this atmosphere in your home, even wanting you to be a part of it instead of being "old fashioned and conservative." In her mind she believes (believed) that if you would subscribe to this lifestyle along with her that she can have her cake and eat it, too. IMHO if you really love her and want a decent relationship with her ever again, you are going to have to file for divorce at this point and not approach her about marriage counseling, either. She needs to understand that her behavior has closed the door on your relationship with her. She needs to have consequences for what she has done. She will respect you for it and also discover that this lifestyle she's choosing has unpleasant consequences. Be kind, but firm with her. Keep your distance and stay in IC. I don't know anything about your spiritual beliefs but I have found that reading the Bible daily is a fantastic comfort and support. This might be a good time to try it if you never have before. The Psalms. The gospels (especially John) Isaiah chapters 40-50 and thereabouts. I hope that you have family and close friends who are also comforting and supporting you.

[RollerCoast]

So I did find out who the other man was. He was her best friend in towns husband and my friend. Not to mention he's a narcissistic *******. I am sick that a woman I cared for and loved would treat me like she did. The adultery is one thing, but this seems especially loathsome to me. I do not want my kids to think this is okay. I don't want them to be raised by someone without any values. I'm filling next week. I can't even look at her now without wanting to puke.

[GorillaTheater]

Does his wife know? If not, tell her.

 

I'd consider posting the douchebag here:

 

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know

[RollerCoast]

She's known longer than I have. We are neighbors too. It's ugly as he'll.

[RollerCoast]

I'm not being very mature about this. I insulted her to her face on Sunday. I know it wasn't right, but this is so hard. She takes no responsibility for her actions. It's all my fault to her, and I should be cool about it. WTF. Today I got the "You brought this on yourself" crap from my STBXW. It's scary how the truth doesn't matter when someone has decided to believe their own lies. I should be serving her next week.

[ver13]

Now you can start working on your recovery which is a good thing to see. The time for reconciliation is gone be cordial and brief in all conversation from here on out. Remember the only things that you have to discuss with her pertain to the welfare of the babies. If its not about them then you have nothing else to talk about. Should she attempt to engage on any other level tell her she is right about her new life style choice and you agree with her needing someone else. Since you are not willing to participate in her wacky world of the crazy at this time. Unless this woman has a life changing event that re-aligns her reality in a major way there is no turning back at this point for her. Which is not your concern from here on out whatsoever, it's all about the kid's and your well being. Now look in the mirror and smile you will see relief written all over your face now that you know which way you are going. Yes you are headed into the unknown, yet you can face it knowing that you did all that you could do and this is where you are supposed to be. You tired and in the end you won back your self esteem and your dignity.