Where did it all go wrong?

[seriously-let-down]

Right where do I start? As of today I feel broken. I’ve been doing so well since my break but after yesterday, what I saw set me back to the very day my marriage ended.

 

I met my wife in 2005, in 2008 we married, and in 2012 she wanted a divorce. I’m completely lost as to where it all went wrong? When I met my wife she was a chubby girl. I’m a bit chubby too. This was never an issue between us. We got on well, we enjoyed being together, doing things together, enjoyed lots of quality time together. Then in 2007 my wife got a promotion, it was a job she wanted but I started to notice she was getting stressed, she’d be snappy and depressed after she finished work. To get the bottom of the problem of the new job, she felt she was being bullied by co-workers. I was supportive for her. What could I really do, other than listen? And give advice. Anyway in 2009 my wife had Weight Loss Surgery, people joked with me at the time that my wife would dump me and go off with someone else! In 2011 my wife had plastic surgery on her stomach, and also managed to get another job in another company. This is when I noticed her change towards me. She kept telling me I needed to change. Why did I need to change? I was me the man she married and was happily in love with until she changed! She started drinking heavy which was something she never really did before. She started going out all night with other women who also had had the surgery. She started to buy clothes that she never would have worn before. My wife was becoming sexier. I still loved her, but she kept moaning at me that we never did anything together. She always was making arrangements in our free time, but that stopped us doing anything together.

 

This is when I noticed her behaviour change, making friends with men she didn’t properly know on Facebook, always having her phone on silent, locked and always with her. Her Facebook account was always pass worded, she would suddenly go shopping but never come back with any shopping. She would talk on the phone very coyly with someone when I was out of the room. Then she made friends with a guy she worked with through Facebook but then deleted him, telling me she doesn’t want work colleagues to see her pictures that she had on Facebook, only to re-friend him later and not saying she had. One minute being loving and the next being horrid. Picking fault and putting me down.

 

Then in July 2012 my world crashed around my feet. She told me that “She loved me but was not in love with me anymore!” I was devastated, this was the woman who kept telling me she loved me, she couldn’t imagine life without me, and I always felt that way towards her. I loved her unconditionally. Then she said we needed marriage counselling, this was a mistake, because everything that was wrong with our relationship was with me, it was my entire fault. Even the counsellor seemed to take my wife’s side. Whenever I stated what was wrong from my point of view it was brushed off. I also started personal counselling and this made me feel better and it helped me understand what was going on. This was different to what was happening with the couple therapy.

 

Me and my wife agreed to make time for each other to try and workout where we were going wrong. We did spend some nights out together, and these were great nights, she even told me she was falling back in love with me. But then at the end of November 2012 she told me it was over. That she could never love me again. That she couldn’t stand me touching her and was going on a date with someone. I wasn’t romantic enough, didn’t buy her enough flowers, and didn’t make her feel special. I was controlling her life and that she was divorcing me for unreasonable behaviour.

I left the marital home a week later, I was broken, Christmas never happened, then she kept messaging me but these were mixed messages, she wanted me, but didn’t want me. Then New Year’s Day she messaged me she wanted to work at our marriage. I was scared, and still hurt, I kept away from her. Then 3 weeks later she contacted me again, this time wanting to go for a date. For 5 days I was sort of back in her life, but something wasn’t right. She told me that we both needed to change, for it to work. The problem was she told me about the guy she friended on Facebook from work, he was the guy she dated, and she couldn’t stop talking about him. She told me she gone to a friends the night after she ended it, but instead she spent it with him, they dated over Christmas and it ended in the New Year. So she only wanted me back because he didn’t want her. Anyway after she wanted me back she’s now back with this guy. Putting things on Facebook about their relationship, my friends tell me, tagging in friends and family with this guy. And putting that she’s had it rough but now life is so much better. Then yesterday I saw them together and my heart smashed. I feel like I’ve been replaced, ironically this guy’s own marriage ended as his wife went off with someone else. I feel I’m the victim of 2 broken marriages. I only wanted the best for my family.

 

Sorry for my long story, but it feels good to get it off my chest. There are parts of my story omitted, and I know it take 2 to make a marriage work. but I feel that her friends and family believe that it’s all my fault! When all I did was to love my wife for better and for worse……..

Now I’m single awaiting a divorce, wondering why my life I loved died……..?

Edited March 11, 2013 by seriously-let-down

[orionboxing]

I'm very sorry for all the torment you've been through. Your timeline of meeting your wife and the separation eerily match mine as well.

 

I also know the feeling of having to MENTALLY deal with the other guy and what that entails. It is unbelievably tormenting to know that what you thought was yours is now someone elses. You also get the feeling they are making fun of you, taunting you, and saying things behind closed doors. Let me tell you that these feelings actually subside and go away faster than the pain of an actual divorce, as strange as that sounds.

 

Let me tell you that her constant back and forth decisions about your relationship is not fair to you. You must refuse to live in a life of limbo and get a plan, move forward, and stick with it. If you choose to stick it out with this girl you are just asking for more heartache.

 

Trust me, I've taken girls back and they just stomp all over you again. Now, I don't give girls any sort of free pass these days. If more men would stand up to this sort of lousy behavior we wouldn't have so many entitled child-like women walking around and demanding so much undeserved respect.

 

She seems to be in constant state of approval seeking and attention seeking and that is a seriously flaw that she may never fix.

 

Face it. Get tough. Demand more out of your life and your partner. This girl is not getting the job done FOR YOU and you need to acknowledge this, no matter what some doctor tells you.

[seriously-let-down]

Thank you Orionboxing for replying to my post. Its good to know I'm not alone. Not though its a situation I like to see anybody else in.

 

You said in your post that my ex was playing with my emotion by her confused emotions. Well I have not had contact with my STBXW for 10 days, but that was over trivial things to tie up the loose ends of ending our relationship/marriage. Its been nearly 5 weeks since I've had any mixed emotional contact. That'll be because she has got back with the guy she left me for.

 

You also hit the nail on the head with the quote that she is seeking attention, you are very much correct, this seems to be what happens to patients of weight loss surgery. They lose the weight, and the world changes how it views them, as they change. They get an ego boost, and in the case of my wife she thought she could find better. Grass is greener! So looking back I was only second best when she married me. One thing for me though, because of the stress and pain I have lost 60 pounds (4.5 stone) in weight and feel better for it.

 

TBH I don't want her back, she destroyed our marriage with her lies and excuses. The trust has gone. She pushed me away in the end. Though she told me it was me that pushed her away. It hurts because I've had to rebuild my life in 4 months, I know have a future that I couldn't see at the day of splitting. I think she will eventually come to her senses that we had a good life together, she said that as we ended.

 

She told me when she wanted me back, that her and the guy she was with wouldn't work. As he loved his ex wife to much! Yet she's back there! with him and that what hurts, because deep down I still love her and will always love her, and I know she is going to get hurt. But then again maybe she needs to get hurt, just to show her how she hurt me!

 

What hurts me more is her friends and family believe that she has done no wrong, and that I was to blame for my marriage ending. But then again, blood is thicker than water!

 

I would like to thank everybody for taking time to read my story. I'm new to this site. It make you understand being here that you're never alone.

 

Thank you.

[worldgonewrong]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I did, too, in a similar fashion.

If it's any consolation (ha!), this stuff is practically textbook:

Wayward spouse gets involved with someone else on the sly; demonizes you to justify her poor decision; makes you doubt yourself; you can do no right all of a sudden; in-laws and some mutual friends only hear the wayward's side of the story and hence you're further dragged through the mud and never allowed to tell your side of the story. And then, after all that exhausting deceit, merciful divorce comes.

 

Trust me. Divorce will be a merciful thing for you. Getting caught up in the maze of a walkway's mind - where you're always tortured and given the run-around - is a slow death by degrees. Once you're out of the maze, aaaaaaah, fresh air again & dreams/goals/aspirations start to resurface. You'll end up being a tougher s.o.b. in the process, but by the same token, you'll have a sharper eye toward the next woman who is actually true and forthright.

[TailSpin75]

Sorry to hear of your troubles SLD. I too am in a similar position in terms of OM but still having feelings for STBX. It does get easier with time, but is a slow and long process...

[seriously-let-down]

Thank you Tailspin75 and WGW. Very kind words from you.

 

The pain will go in time I know, I was here before 10 years ago, after a relationship of 5 years died. She decided it was over and moved on very quickly. Yet she married the guy and as far as I know everything is fine with them, and I'm happy for them. I met my wife after 2 years, but I'd been dating others for 12 months before I met her.

 

One excuse my STBXW used was that I'd been studying for 6 years part time, that this study pushed her away. You'd think from that she meant I was doing it in every spare moment. But I wasn't, it was in my spare time over a 4 month period broken in to 2 different periods over any 1 academic year. Why would bettering yourself be a problem? It was for the family not just for me!

 

Now I'm using my newly acquired qualification to look for a better paid job, with better prospects and status. Not that my current job is to be sniffed at. I need to prove to myself that doing my qualification was worth doing if it really did kill my marriage. But I think its just guilty BS from her as she thought the Grass was Greener with the guy she left me for. I hope it works out for her, I don't want her back. But I still cry everyday for the loss of my marriage, which was wonderful before Weight Loss Surgery (WLS). The her ego grew and I became nothing to her. My friends and family have given me support, but to hear it from you guys just makes me realise that its not wrong in what they are saying, or trying just to please me.

 

Again thank you, your words make me feel stronger as I'm not alone. We will come out of this dark place stronger I hope, it just takes time.....

[seriously-let-down]

I just wish I could forget my STBXW. My moods are swinging about. I miss her, I hate her, I Love her, I'm angry at her. All because I saw her and him on Sunday. I was being strong. Now I feel weak! I know I need to man up, but boy does this hurt. She probably doesn't give a toss about me? So why are my emotions like riding a rough sea? She can't feel my hurt as its my hurt about something I had that is gone! I need to move on like she has, then I wouldn't be feeling like crap. Its just time of my life I'm loosing thinking of her, she isn't thinking of me now!

 

Time is the Healer, Not wishing my life away, but I hope time passes quickly then. I'll never get this time back, as Stewie Griffin said "Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb!"

[seriously-let-down]

This sucks, can't sleep, just woke up crying! I'm rebuilding my life but it's not the life I truly want! I want my old family life back. I know not too far from here she's in bed with him. Like we used to be. Why can life be so cruel, all I ever wanted was taken away from me. My heart is shattered. I can't keep feeling like this. I'm slowly dying inside. I wish the last 8 years could be erased from my memory. My emotions are back at square one, why? How long will this last? Will this happen again? Yes I saw her and him Sunday! It's now Wednesday and I feel no better? I know I'm wasting my life getting upset over her, her but I can't help it. My thoughts are full of what ifs and if only.

 

Please God ease my pain,

[seriously-let-down]

Just been shown a Facebook photo of her and him together my heart is dead. Is there any point for me carrying on? How can my life turn so **** in 6 months? I did nothing wrong! So unloved and unwanted, never been so low.

[seriously-let-down]

You know what the saddest thing to happen today? I've got an interview for a better job, and I had no one to share the news with. My first person would have always been my wife! Let's hope I can get through the interview, better pay and prospects if I do. I need some luck.

[seriously-let-down]

I'm feeling a lot stronger today. Things in my life are turning around, and lets hope some good comes from this. There's no going back now. yes its only been 4 months but I ain't ever letting her put me through that again. Her loss my gain. Here's to a new beginning.

[seriously-let-down]

Well wish me luck, Got a job interview today, better pay and prospects. Something I put on hold when my marriage broke down. My STBXW messaged me wishing me luck? how did she know? Hopefully this is another new chapter in my life towards my new goals and aspirations. Its all about me now, and rebuilding my short, medium and long term goals. Fingers crossed.

[aMguilts]

Well wish me luck, Got a job interview today, better pay and prospects. Something I put on hold when my marriage broke down. My STBXW messaged me wishing me luck? how did she know? Hopefully this is another new chapter in my life towards my new goals and aspirations. Its all about me now, and rebuilding my short, medium and long term goals. Fingers crossed.

 

 

hiya seriously-let-down

 

 

i`m sorry but i have only just come across your post or i would of replied sooner

(why no one else didn`t, i don`t know:sick:)

 

so how did the interview go??

 

aM

[Techie Artist]

You also hit the nail on the head with the quote that she is seeking attention, you are very much correct, this seems to be what happens to patients of weight loss surgery. They lose the weight, and the world changes how it views them, as they change. They get an ego boost, and in the case of my wife she thought she could find better. Grass is greener! So looking back I was only second best when she married me. One thing for me though, because of the stress and pain I have lost 60 pounds (4.5 stone) in weight and feel better for it.

 

TBH I don't want her back, she destroyed our marriage with her lies and excuses. The trust has gone.

 

What hurts me more is her friends and family believe that she has done no wrong, and that I was to blame for my marriage ending. But then again, blood is thicker than water!

 

SLD, I'm sorry to read what you're going thru, but you sound like you're on the right track. I (female) have a former friend (female) who did the surgery and turned out to be a whore afterwards. She craved attention and totally changed her behaviors. She left her husband (he wasn't so nice) and just went berserk. I'm no longer friends with her because of how wild she became. There is nothing you can do about this. It's a personality disorder.

 

Good for you that you've lost some excess weight, but because you lost it in an unhealthy way, try to focus on maintaining and improving your health and happiness. It goes hand in hand.

 

Don't go back to her. She's forever changed. Don't allow her back in. She's probably all over the place with more guys than you care to think. Pick up your broken pieces and put your life back together again. You'll make another woman happy someday if you take care of yourself.

 

Best to you!

[seriously-let-down]

SLD, I'm sorry to read what you're going thru, but you sound like you're on the right track. I (female) have a former friend (female) who did the surgery and turned out to be a whore afterwards. She craved attention and totally changed her behaviors. She left her husband (he wasn't so nice) and just went berserk. I'm no longer friends with her because of how wild she became. There is nothing you can do about this. It's a personality disorder.

 

Thank you Techie Artist for your reply. I notice that you say your friends husband wasn't so nice. I read about marriage breakdown through WLS about the marriage being bad before surgery. I can say from my position, I was a caring considerate husband who probably gave my wife too much freedom. And not the evil ogre some sites state. Your words have made me feel better.

 

aMguilts, I had a very good interview, found out more about the job, very interesting and there is also a need for global travel a few times a year. I'd love the job. I could afford that new home my STBXW wanted with that job. Her loss.

 

UnderAndOverItAll, thank you for the date request. Do we even live on the same continent? Lol.

 

Today made me feel stronger, better in myself. I am rebuilding my hopes and dreams. But I still need to look after myself better, and make more adjustments.

 

Thank you all on this site for being there.

[seibert253]

I'm feeling a lot stronger today. Things in my life are turning around, and lets hope some good comes from this. There's no going back now. yes its only been 4 months but I ain't ever letting her put me through that again. Her loss my gain. Here's to a new beginning.

 

Success is the best revenge.

Nothing feels better then when the walk away W has their "oh sh#t I really f'd up" moment, tries to come back, and you tell her to Get Bent.

[Shocked Suzie]

Just been shown a Facebook photo of her and him together my heart is dead. Is there any point for me carrying on? How can my life turn so **** in 6 months? I did nothing wrong! So unloved and unwanted, never been so low.

 

 

Do yourself a favor block her, this way you cant look at her...she cant look at you

 

ive had a nose at mine and did the same, i actually felt very little when i saw them both...only that the pair of them looked a bit rough but i decided that i didnt want to see or know anymore...totally not needed in the old up n down emotional state we're all in.

 

FB can be handy and a real pain in the bum too....all the best, your doing great

Edited March 21, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[Barnacle-Bob]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

 

It's not going to do you much good to try to figure out what she did, and at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter anyway. She's gone, and ultimately, its probably for the best. Be thankful you didn't have kids with her.

 

The thing to do, though, is to look at yourself and your performance in the relationship. Did you put a lot of effort into it? Did you make your wife feel special? Did you take her for granted or assume that because you were married, that everything would just work out?

 

I don't ask that you blame yourself. Rather, its a way of objectively looking at yourself, because really, you can only control your own actions, decisions and performance. It's never too late, and you're never too old, to improve yourself. This one's gone, let her go, don't worry about who's fault it was because, in reality, you were probably both at fault. Work on yourself and move forward.

 

If you do this authentically, when the time comes, the right girl will come along and you'll be ready for it and you will take care of your end of the relationship properly.

 

You'll be fine, man.....just give it time. Good luck!

[GuyInLimbo]

Dude, stay the f*ck off of Facebook. Close your account and move on. You're just torturing yourself. Why?

[Jethro]

Dude, stay the f*ck off of Facebook. Close your account and move on. You're just torturing yourself. Why?

 

Yeah, I can attest to that. Wish I figured that out earlier than I did. I am going to make it my mission in life to make sure that the absolute first step in any life changing divorce or break up is to deactivate Facebook. It is the biggest and most absolute evil on earth as far as relationships go.

[seriously-let-down]

Thanks Shocked Suzie, Barnicle-Bob, Jethro and Guy in Limbo for you advice.

 

Regarding Facebook, She is Blocked, all her friends and family are blocked. But people keep telling me things that she's putting on there, which I am not asking for. I don't really want to know! As I said I was shown, by people I know who are pretty disgusted by her actions. Your comments about Facebook are correct. But I use it to keep in contact with my true friends and family.

 

Barnicle-Bob, you are correct in what you are saying. I know I took my STBXW for granted, I think its something we all do. I also know that my STBXW took me for granted. So it works both ways. What hurt me more was that the woman I married and gave my life to, and loved unconditionally became a woman I didn't know any more, her personality changed, because of the big changes she went through. Once she got what she wanted, I was tossed aside. Even if I'd have given 110% of my dedication, I was part of her old life, and she was on the hunt for a new one. She has changed into a woman I dont know. What hurt me more was she was straight away into a relationship with a guy she works with. I am getting over her, I dont want her back. I want to rebuild my life and prove to my STBXW that I'm not the sad loser she told me I was, but that I was probably the best thing she ever had. I'll never stop loving my STBXW but I'd never take her back. Because she isn't the woman I married. The memories that hurt me are pre-change, the memories from the post-change period make me realise she wasn't the woman I married. Thank you for your words I will come out stronger from this.

 

I know I'm getting stronger, but it will take time. The people that tell me things will soon forget that we was ever married in time. So that will stop. I also know my STBXW is asking my friends about me, but you know what, I don't ask anybody anything at all about what she is doing. I'm rebuilding my life without her, like it was before i met her.

 

Stay Strong, and we'll get through this. thank you.

[GuyInLimbo]

I, at least, hope you are telling these people to respect your space and NOT continue to tell you or show you anything about her. That's not being a good friend (on their parts).

[Darth Vader]

Thank you Techie Artist for your reply. I notice that you say your friends husband wasn't so nice. I read about marriage breakdown through WLS about the marriage being bad before surgery. I can say from my position, I was a caring considerate husband who probably gave my wife too much freedom. And not the evil ogre some sites state. Your words have made me feel better.

 

aMguilts, I had a very good interview, found out more about the job, very interesting and there is also a need for global travel a few times a year. I'd love the job. I could afford that new home my STBXW wanted with that job. Her loss.

 

UnderAndOverItAll, thank you for the date request. Do we even live on the same continent? Lol.

 

Today made me feel stronger, better in myself. I am rebuilding my hopes and dreams. But I still need to look after myself better, and make more adjustments.

 

Thank you all on this site for being there.

 

 

You know, you can buy that home (just make sure you protect yourself so she doesn't screw you over!) if you really want, then when she hears about it and or tries to come back, slam the door in face! How long till the Divorce is final?

[firemanq]

SLD, many of us have been in a similar situation, we know what you are going through. Stay here, share your problems. That does make it easier.

 

I have been out of town working on a couple of jobs and just saw your posts about job interviews. How did they turn out? Keep us informed, we care.

[seriously-let-down]

Hi All, Sorry for the delay in replying, I've been ill for just over the last week. Never felt so rough for a long time. But hey getting over that now.

 

Firemanq, I was unsuccessful in the interviews, but hey its not the end of the world. Still more irons in the fire. Its good to get interviews whilst we are in these tough economic times. I gained some good experiences out of the interviews, and learned a few new things for my next ones. I wont give up trying! These jobs are away from what I know, and more toward what I've been trained to do. So experience and catch 22 arise. That job is out there its just finding that one. The sad thing was as my marriage started to break down, I turned a good job offer down, because of everything going down the pan.

 

Darth Vader, I know where your coming from, that's why I'm looking for better work now, plenty of time until the divorce will be final. Then i'll buy that place. I've even stopped playing the lottery, because you know my luck!

 

I'm being strong, I know my Ex hates me for all the wrong reasons she came to believe of me! That's her loss not mine. It'll be soon 5 months, the way times going it'll soon be 12 months. I've even stopped thinking of her continuously. Which is a blessing.

 

Take care all and hopefully we'll all be strong coming out the other side.