Insecurities....

[Sobbing]

This is another follow up on the post "follow up" and "how could this happen?".

 

I went out with the guy and the girl that he has a crush on...the three of us ate dinner and went out for a drink. Since the dude said that he was going to buy the first round tonight (out of the guilt of rejecting me?) we went out drinking. So interestingly...he seemed to make more eye contact with my friend than before. As I said...he has a crush on her and since he knows now that she's "unavailable" that he somehow feels more comfortable around her. It was that shy guy thing where he couldn't even look at the women he loves until he felt "relieved" to know that she's unavailable.

 

Also, I noticed that he would touch her more in a friendly way...which is something he would have never done before. I mean, the only time I remember him making physical contact with either one of us was when he pushed me from behind as a joke...and at that time, I thought he did it because he was interested in me. But now, he would push my friend, but not me....which was odd.

 

I think he might feel more uncomfortable around ME now cause he wasn't making a lot of eye contact with me like before (that's what initially made me think that he liked me!) So since I have nothing to lose anymore...I was acting like my normal self, without any inhibitions. I was acting like I would in front of my normal female friends...meaning...I didn't show any special interest, or shyness to impress him. I am sooooo proud of myself for doing so! Also, the fact that I partially gave up on the idea that he might ever like me kicked in, so I was "natural" me 95%. I used to be like...hmmm...75% in front of him. He even commented that he thought it was interesting to see me the way I was behaving. I was more confident and less giddy.

 

Also, I slightly scratched my car when parking and he said that he had a cream that would scrape it off and that he would do it for me "next time". So I think...the friendship is established very well. I am feeling good....but whenever I catch a glimpse of him staring at my friend with dreamy eyes....it did hurt. I don't know...but I constantly started to compare myself to my friend, which is something I never did before. I wonder....do guys ever change their opinion on girls in situations like mine? We are both beautiful, but I'm a little heavier than my friend....would that make such a big difference?

[Nic]

you being a 'little heavier' than your friend certainly sounds like insecurity to me. i have many friends who are heavier than me, and to be honest, they actually have good relationships with their boyfriends. my relationship recently broke up, but it definitely was not on account of my weight. and their boyfriends are not with them on account of their weight. weight would make a difference if you have specific preferences or are shallow, but if that's the case, who wants someone like that anyway. there's a hell of a lot more to a person than looks, which don't last forever anyway.

 

when i think about the many people i've met in my life, and the guys i've had crushes on, they've all been different builds and looked different, but it was their personalities i was attracted to. the fact that they were happy in their own skin was very, very sexy. (i can honestly say that i don't go for a guy because he has a nice bum, or is a babe, because even the babes can have the worst personalities).

 

this friend of yours, being relieved that this girl is unavailable, probably feels more comfortable around her now because he knows he can't have her. he probably didn't make eye contact and touch her like that before because he didn't want to come on too strong or get rejected. now he can't come on to her, he already is, for want of a better expression, 'rejected', so he's in a safe place to touch her like a friend because that's all she will be now. and we all get touchy-feely with our friends because we're in a comfort zone with them.

 

he might feel uncomfortable with you around because he doesn't want you to think that he's pining for her or trying to make moves on her. it would be kind of awkward in his situation, but he's probably trying hard to show that everything's ok. if he thinks his feelings towards you are veering towards more than frienship, he'll stop treating you like a buddy and pushing around and stuff. i know guys like that. in fact, i'm a bit like that myself. it's weird, it's hard to explain, but i can sort of see it from that angle.

 

please don't compare yourself to your friend. you'd have a lot of endearing qualities that she doesn't, and it appears that this guy has started to notice you for the "real" you and he likes that. comparing is futile and will only make you feel more insecure when you have no reason to be. when you find yourself comparing, think about all the things that you really like about yourself, because chances are, he will like them too. and him noticing your confidence is something to feel good about. confidence is a big turn on. insecurity is a big turn off. and him staring at your friend with "dreamy eyes" is most likely your insecurities letting your imagination run wild. he could have stared at you with dreamy eyes and you wouldn't have noticed because you're too busy comparing and feeling paranoid. insecurities are 9 times out of 10 our own irrational feelings. and you don't want to draw attention to something about yourself you don't like, which this guy hasn't probably even noticed anyway. don't draw attention to them.

 

the more you enjoy who you are and accept who you are, the more he will notice this and the better you will feel. stop comparing, because you will only put yourself down in the process when you have no reason to and drive yourself mad. you will end up becoming someone you're not and that will obvious. you've reached a good point in this friendship so just let it flow and be yourself and see what happens from there.

 

good luck!

This is another follow up on the post "follow up" and "how could this happen?".

 

I went out with the guy and the girl that he has a crush on...the three of us ate dinner and went out for a drink. Since the dude said that he was going to buy the first round tonight (out of the guilt of rejecting me?) we went out drinking. So interestingly...he seemed to make more eye contact with my friend than before. As I said...he has a crush on her and since he knows now that she's "unavailable" that he somehow feels more comfortable around her. It was that shy guy thing where he couldn't even look at the women he loves until he felt "relieved" to know that she's unavailable. Also, I noticed that he would touch her more in a friendly way...which is something he would have never done before. I mean, the only time I remember him making physical contact with either one of us was when he pushed me from behind as a joke...and at that time, I thought he did it because he was interested in me. But now, he would push my friend, but not me....which was odd. I think he might feel more uncomfortable around ME now cause he wasn't making a lot of eye contact with me like before (that's what initially made me think that he liked me!) So since I have nothing to lose anymore...I was acting like my normal self, without any inhibitions. I was acting like I would in front of my normal female friends...meaning...I didn't show any special interest, or shyness to impress him. I am sooooo proud of myself for doing so! Also, the fact that I partially gave up on the idea that he might ever like me kicked in, so I was "natural" me 95%. I used to be like...hmmm...75% in front of him. He even commented that he thought it was interesting to see me the way I was behaving. I was more confident and less giddy. Also, I slightly scratched my car when parking and he said that he had a cream that would scrape it off and that he would do it for me "next time". So I think...the friendship is established very well. I am feeling good....but whenever I catch a glimpse of him staring at my friend with dreamy eyes....it did hurt. I don't know...but I constantly started to compare myself to my friend, which is something I never did before. I wonder....do guys ever change their opinion on girls in situations like mine? We are both beautiful, but I'm a little heavier than my friend....would that make such a big difference?

[Tony T]

There is really no big point in analysing this because it would all be speculation. Your best move, if you are interested in this guy, is just to play things very cool and let time take its course.

 

I really don't think it's a cool move for you to go out with a guy you have a crush on along with the girl he has a crush on. Matter of fact, that's pretty cruel on yourself. Not a wise move at all.

 

Pry yourself out of this combo and stop comparing yourself to your lady friend.

 

If this guy is going to make a play for you, he will at some point. But going places under the circumstances you posted about shows him clearly you are not interested in him as anything more than a friend and, therefore, you can never hope for more. That's why you don't need to be part of this trio. Besides, it is insane to put yourself through this. Why??? Why do you want to be there and hust watch him staring at your friend???

[janie]

i'm thinking that since this guy now knows how you feel that he is using it to his advantage and trying to make you jealous, by playing a little game. even tho he does like her, him knowing you like him and doing that in front of you is very immature!

 

why don't you find someone who is interested in you and not in someone else? someone who wont play games and hurt you directly or indirectly. this guy must be on a macho trip.

This is another follow up on the post "follow up" and "how could this happen?".

 

I went out with the guy and the girl that he has a crush on...the three of us ate dinner and went out for a drink. Since the dude said that he was going to buy the first round tonight (out of the guilt of rejecting me?) we went out drinking. So interestingly...he seemed to make more eye contact with my friend than before. As I said...he has a crush on her and since he knows now that she's "unavailable" that he somehow feels more comfortable around her. It was that shy guy thing where he couldn't even look at the women he loves until he felt "relieved" to know that she's unavailable. Also, I noticed that he would touch her more in a friendly way...which is something he would have never done before. I mean, the only time I remember him making physical contact with either one of us was when he pushed me from behind as a joke...and at that time, I thought he did it because he was interested in me. But now, he would push my friend, but not me....which was odd. I think he might feel more uncomfortable around ME now cause he wasn't making a lot of eye contact with me like before (that's what initially made me think that he liked me!) So since I have nothing to lose anymore...I was acting like my normal self, without any inhibitions. I was acting like I would in front of my normal female friends...meaning...I didn't show any special interest, or shyness to impress him. I am sooooo proud of myself for doing so! Also, the fact that I partially gave up on the idea that he might ever like me kicked in, so I was "natural" me 95%. I used to be like...hmmm...75% in front of him. He even commented that he thought it was interesting to see me the way I was behaving. I was more confident and less giddy. Also, I slightly scratched my car when parking and he said that he had a cream that would scrape it off and that he would do it for me "next time". So I think...the friendship is established very well. I am feeling good....but whenever I catch a glimpse of him staring at my friend with dreamy eyes....it did hurt. I don't know...but I constantly started to compare myself to my friend, which is something I never did before. I wonder....do guys ever change their opinion on girls in situations like mine? We are both beautiful, but I'm a little heavier than my friend....would that make such a big difference?

[Sobbing]

I have read all three responses and realized....they are all soooo true! I am so glad that I came here to get such insight! I have this insecurity that puts me in a position that eventually hurts myself (as Tony said...) and he also is immature in a way that Janie said. Also, Nic, your advice was priceless!

 

I know this guy himself is very insecure about relationships because he never really had a successful one...thus the macho trip and subconscious mind game. But I know he's not doing it on purpose. I used to do that myself when I was very insecure about relationships in general. I used to "test" people by doing so...also perhaps pushed them away subconsciously by doing so telling myself, "see, they didn't like me enough to stick around...everybody hates me...I'm suppose to be a loner" without knowing that trying to provoke jealousy when there is no relationship established only made me feel bad. So...is some ways I see myself in this guy, which is why I try to give him the benefit of the doubt so much, but I know that I shouldn't be making excuses for this guy like this.

 

He is very loyal to his friends and he fears losing established ties because he moved around a lot when he was a kid and became very sensitive to people. He has a lot of fear of rejections and is hard to approach. However, once you do become friends with him...he's such a tender soul. That's why I like him. That's why I know that he is not a typical player, or just an immature prick. He's just socially inept when it comes to relationships.

 

So I know from now on he'll try to hold onto what he knows about me. He'll want me to continue liking him. He wouldn't want me to "stop" liking him and that's perhaps what will make him try to maintain a good friendship with me. Does this make sense? Since he's not functioning on a player level...he's not doing this to satisfy his ego, but to satisfy his secure ties around him...which is some ways sad because it reminds me of a lonely child who wants to hold onto his possessions to feel secure. This is why I feel that I will be friends with him. I truly don't want him to feel rejected by a "friend" like me. I honestly didn't feel that rejected by him, but rather disappointed. In some ways...I am probably more secure than I thought I was. Yes, there were those moments when my weight issue came into my mind (which is totally natural for any women in modern media age!) but thinking of it now...I must have truly embraced this guy because I'm not angry. I felt that if I walked out of this friendship, it would hurt him and that's why I decided to stay in it. Am I sacrificing my feelings? Perhaps...but I don't feel victimized, nor angry about it, which is surprising to me. I usually would say "screw this!" and walked away, which I almost did with this guy. However, something tells me that he is different. The only other person who I felt like this before ended up becoming one of my closest friends (with an almost exact situation like this me and this guy)

 

The only sad thing is that...this guy will never understand how much it took me to come to this conclusion. He is not capable of understanding my indepth maturity, which is something I have to live with...the reason I say this is because, as I said before...he is clueless and childlike when it comes to relationships. I know that I like him as a friend...and I will just live with that. But thanx so much for all the greatful insight. I really do think it helped clear my mind a lot. I might come back agonizing over him again, but for now...my mind is at peace. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

[Deejette]

Sobbing, I'm glad you have come to this conclusion, but I agree with Tony that you are being unnecessarily cruel to yourself to put yourself in the position of watching him make eye contact and touch your friend.

 

The fact that he said, "Next time," is hopeful. But do you really just want him for a friend? I think you want him for a boyfriend and are torturing yourself over this.

This is another follow up on the post "follow up" and "how could this happen?".

 

I went out with the guy and the girl that he has a crush on...the three of us ate dinner and went out for a drink. Since the dude said that he was going to buy the first round tonight (out of the guilt of rejecting me?) we went out drinking. So interestingly...he seemed to make more eye contact with my friend than before. As I said...he has a crush on her and since he knows now that she's "unavailable" that he somehow feels more comfortable around her. It was that shy guy thing where he couldn't even look at the women he loves until he felt "relieved" to know that she's unavailable. Also, I noticed that he would touch her more in a friendly way...which is something he would have never done before. I mean, the only time I remember him making physical contact with either one of us was when he pushed me from behind as a joke...and at that time, I thought he did it because he was interested in me. But now, he would push my friend, but not me....which was odd. I think he might feel more uncomfortable around ME now cause he wasn't making a lot of eye contact with me like before (that's what initially made me think that he liked me!) So since I have nothing to lose anymore...I was acting like my normal self, without any inhibitions. I was acting like I would in front of my normal female friends...meaning...I didn't show any special interest, or shyness to impress him. I am sooooo proud of myself for doing so! Also, the fact that I partially gave up on the idea that he might ever like me kicked in, so I was "natural" me 95%. I used to be like...hmmm...75% in front of him. He even commented that he thought it was interesting to see me the way I was behaving. I was more confident and less giddy. Also, I slightly scratched my car when parking and he said that he had a cream that would scrape it off and that he would do it for me "next time". So I think...the friendship is established very well. I am feeling good....but whenever I catch a glimpse of him staring at my friend with dreamy eyes....it did hurt. I don't know...but I constantly started to compare myself to my friend, which is something I never did before. I wonder....do guys ever change their opinion on girls in situations like mine? We are both beautiful, but I'm a little heavier than my friend....would that make such a big difference?