Why does the BS dismiss the pain of the OW

[TheOW]

As you all know I'm rubbish with words so i will let the caption do the talking, I will end up causing a massive fall-out between us.

 

But I have been reading through some posts today and I feel that some people dismiss the pain of the OW like we are completely irrelevant and have no feelings at all ... Or more likely how dare we feel pain over theirs.

[eleanorrigby]

As you all know I'm rubbish with words so i will let the caption do the talking, I will end up causing a massive fall-out between us.

 

But I have been reading through some posts today and I feel that some people dismiss the pain of the OW like we are completely irrelevant and have no feelings at all ... Or more likely how dare we feel pain over theirs.

 

I dismiss their pain when I feel as if they are dismissing mine. I completely and utterly dismiss any pain my personal OW felt and may feel. On this forum, and others, I dismiss or emphasize depending on the person posting and how I feel about how they appear to understand my pain.

[LadyGrey]

As you all know I'm rubbish with words so i will let the caption do the talking, I will end up causing a massive fall-out between us.

 

But I have been reading through some posts today and I feel that some people dismiss the pain of the OW like we are completely irrelevant and have no feelings at all ... Or more likely how dare we feel pain over theirs.

 

I think some do, some don't.

 

The answers are complicated but yet simple. My thoughts on a few of them.

 

• Some BS feel the ow's deserve the pain because they invited it into their life by seeing a mm and they should have known they would get hurt
   
  
• Some BS's are swimming in such of a sea of their own pain that the ow's pain doesn't even come into play
   
  
  • Some BS's feel the ow deserves what she gets because the ow inflicted pain on the BS by having the affair.
    

[LFH]

Because in some cases it's easier to dismiss the pain of the other side, no matter which side you are standing on.

 

Pain is pain and no matter what it sucks to be the one hurting.

 

A random few people stand in judgement and feel that because we are "evil" we deserve everything we get, but those posts aren't the majority. Others feel that if we aren't sorry enough then we dont' deserve their compassion.

But honestly, more often than not, people just can't see past their own pain.

 

My opinion. Your thoughts may vary

[Decorative]

As a BS, I don't dismiss your pain.

 

Emotional pain sucks.

 

But unless you didn't know he or she was married, I view it differently than mine. Yours was a choice. Mine was not.

 

I have empathy for people in pain, no matter what's happened.

 

But I don't dismiss the cause. If you choose to hit your thumb with a hammer repeatedly, I am sorry your thumb hurts, but if you keep choosing to smack it, I do view it differently.

[TheOW]

I think some do, some don't.

 

The answers are complicated but yet simple. My thoughts on a few of them.

 

• Some BS feel the ow's deserve the pain because they invited it into their life by seeing a mm and they should have known they would get hurt
   
  
• Some BS's are swimming in such of a sea of their own pain that the ow's pain doesn't even come into play
   
  
  • Some BS's feel the ow deserves what she gets because the ow inflicted pain on the BS by having the affair.
    

 

Thanks LG

 

That makes sense but what about the BS on here when they read about OW and what they have been through and yet still dismiss us and our pain ?

[eleanorrigby]

Damn auto correct, I meant Empathize, not emphasize in my post above.

[dreamingoftigers]

I admit that there are a few circumstances in which I'll dismiss it:

 

1. They appear to be unremorseful.

2. They didn't have genuine feelings for MM, they just wanted a "bit of fun" and their pride got kicked, not their life, hopes and dreams.

3. When they lash out at BS or their character after showing that they have a pretty big hole in their own.

4. If they are married, when they have no regard for their own partner. Or when they have a much higher regard for precious MM's feelings.

 

Times I will empathize:

 

1. When they seem to be genuinely hurting instead of blaming.

2. When they own their part in the issue

3. They genuinely believed his lies

4. When they didn't know he was married to begin with (huge empathy here, one of my biggest fears when I was dating).

5. When they participated in an affair due to extreme isolation.

6. When they openly empathize with BS in a non-condescending way

7. When they are lonely.

 

Any of the above, not all conditions must be met for either.

 

I will not pay someone on the back for their actions of they are still throwing a self-righteous temper tantrum.

 

However, when someone admits "hey this was a bad idea, or hey, I thought this was a good idea, but this hurts." I'll offer out an olive branch.

 

But when someone is constantly on the defensive and offensive, what's the point of empathizing with them anyway?

[TheOW]

Thanks Eleanor and decorative

 

I'm having a bad day and was reading some posts where my pain as an ow was discarded, yes I went into the affair knowing the likely outcome but I went into it with my heart and not my head and now I just feel crippled.

[Decorative]

Thanks Eleanor and decorative

 

I'm having a bad day and was reading some posts where my pain as an ow was discarded, yes I went into the affair knowing the likely outcome but I went into it with my heart and not my head and now I just feel crippled.

 

Don't be crippled. I know it hurts. But let this be the bottom. Make this be the point where you take the power back. And make the changes you have to in order to go forward on a positive manner.

 

You're feisty. I can tell. It will serve you well. It will.

[Pierre]

As you all know I'm rubbish with words so i will let the caption do the talking, I will end up causing a massive fall-out between us.

 

But I have been reading through some posts today and I feel that some people dismiss the pain of the OW like we are completely irrelevant and have no feelings at all ... Or more likely how dare we feel pain over theirs.

 

TOW:

 

I think it has to do with the concept of self inflicted pain versus pain inflicted by external factors.

 

The BS played no role in your pain. OWs do play a role in the pain of the BS.

 

I understand the cheating man caused bilateral damage, but you knew this a priori whereas the BS was just an innocent party.

 

I often ponder who has more pain: The scorned OW thrown under the bus or the BW that loses her entire marriage history in an instant? I don't know the answer because the level of pain is very personal. Some OWs hurt more and viceversa.

 

Why do you ask?

 

It is not surprising that your BW is upset with you. Why are you pondering this?

 

How are you doing? I always hope you do OK. There is a lt of potential in you because you have a good heart.

[LadyGrey]

Thanks LG

 

That makes sense but what about the BS on here when they read about OW and what they have been through and yet still dismiss us and our pain ?

 

I think there is danger in trying to group everyone together, whoever you might be or whatever side you have resided on.

 

Perhaps there are a few particular comments from one BS today that are triggering you? Maybe you can find empathy for her, because she herself is having a shyte day.

 

On the other hand if there is someone who posts who really gets your goat, for whatever reason, put them on ignore for now.

[TheOW]

TOW:

 

I think it has to do with the concept of self inflicted pain versus pain inflicted by external factors.

 

The BS played no role in your pain. OWs do play a role in the pain of the BS.

 

I understand the cheating man caused bilateral damage, but you knew this a priori whereas the BS was just an innocent party.

 

I often ponder who has more pain: The scorned OW thrown under the bus or the BW that loses her entire marriage history in an instant? I don't know the answer because the level of pain is very personal. Some OWs hurt more and viceversa.

 

Why do you ask?

 

It is not surprising that your BW is upset with you. Why are you pondering this?

 

How are you doing? I always hope you do OK. There is a lt of potential in you because you have a good heart.

 

 

I'm fine thanks P, I think now things are starting to calm down abit and I'm starting to reflect on everything that has happened, the last few weeks have flown by and now it's starting to slow down I'm over thinking things.

[whichwayisup]

I'm fine thanks P, I think now things are starting to calm down abit and I'm starting to reflect on everything that has happened, the last few weeks have flown by and now it's starting to slow down I'm over thinking things.

 

Time to make some phone calls and gather your women friends! Spa day! Do it and have a fun time with them, NO talk of men, just gals having fun and spending time together. It'll make a difference.

 

Over thinking stuff messes ya up and makes you feel worse.

[TheOW]

True.

 

tOW, think of it like this:

 

A drunk driver smashes into a woman and her kids driving down the street. The mother was doing nothing wrong. The drunk driver was, well, drunk driving. Everyone in the accident is horribly disfigured.

 

A few years later, the mother in said accident meets up with another horribly disfigured drunk driver. How much sympathy do you think this mother is going to have for this second drunk driver? Sure, this isn't THE driver that smashed into her, but she was just as thoughtless, selfish and careless. This other drunk driver willingly put another family at risk because that's what they wanted to do. It was fun, and what business was it of anyone else's anyway?

 

The mother, understandably, has little to no sympathy for this horribly disfigured drunk driver. Sure, there is the 'well it's a human and I hate to see a human suffering' sympathy, but beyond that, it just all seems so self-inflicted.

 

I can't speak for others, but for me, that's a very good analogy.

 

 

I think it's a crap analogy

[AnotherRound]

From what I have seen and experienced, it is somewhat of a power struggle. A "my pain is worse than yours" or "my pain is more valid than yours" kind of thing - which to me is unrealistic as all pain is relative, obviously, to the person experiencing it.

 

I don't think that most BS dismiss the pain of the OW - I think that some of them see it as not as valid as their own, for whatever reason. Whether they believe that the OW chose their own pain, or that the OW intended to cause pain.

 

Imo, I believe that all pain is valid - regardless of how that pain came about. I don't believe that there are varying levels of validity to anyone's pain simply because pain is so relative - and the person experiencing it is valid. There isn't a person alive who hasn't made a mistake in life, or enacted a behavior that caused themselves or someone pain - intentional or not, it's impossible to not do at some point in life. Nothing invalidates that pain, imo - even if it was a result of an action that someone actively chose.

 

Some BSs dismiss the pain of not only the OW but of their own WS too. Some people are just dismissive of the pain of others, no matter who that person is or their role in their life. Some people just are unable to see past their own pain to anything else. It's sad to see, and sadder when that pain holds that person in an unhealthy place because they can't or won't see that their pain is not the only pain, nor is it more valid than anyone else's pain. But it happens every day, and there have always been people like that on this planet, and always will be - again, no matter their label.

[LadyGrey]

TheOW, if I were you, I wouldn't elaborate on that today. You already aren't having a good day it seems. Maybe another time.

[TheOW]

From what I have seen and experienced, it is somewhat of a power struggle. A "my pain is worse than yours" or "my pain is more valid than yours" kind of thing - which to me is unrealistic as all pain is relative, obviously, to the person experiencing it.

 

I don't think that most BS dismiss the pain of the OW - I think that some of them see it as not as valid as their own, for whatever reason. Whether they believe that the OW chose their own pain, or that the OW intended to cause pain.

 

Imo, I believe that all pain is valid - regardless of how that pain came about. I don't believe that there are varying levels of validity to anyone's pain simply because pain is so relative - and the person experiencing it is valid. There isn't a person alive who hasn't made a mistake in life, or enacted a behavior that caused themselves or someone pain - intentional or not, it's impossible to not do at some point in life. Nothing invalidates that pain, imo - even if it was a result of an action that someone actively chose.

 

Some BSs dismiss the pain of not only the OW but of their own WS too. Some people are just dismissive of the pain of others, no matter who that person is or their role in their life. Some people just are unable to see past their own pain to anything else. It's sad to see, and sadder when that pain holds that person in an unhealthy place because they can't or won't see that their pain is not the only pain, nor is it more valid than anyone else's pain. But it happens every day, and there have always been people like that on this planet, and always will be - again, no matter their label.

 

Thanks for this, it's kind of opened my eyes abit and made me realise that I'm currently drowning in my own pain to see the pain that I have inflicted on others. I guess the majority of BS feel exactly the same.

 

I am not and will never dismiss Xmm wife's pain as I mentioned before their marriage is older than I and that's pretty hard to comprehend. I guess in someway I'm beating myself up because I knew all along this would be the outcome and I'm fighting so hard to show that I don't care about any of it.

[AnotherRound]

Thanks for this, it's kind of opened my eyes abit and made me realise that I'm currently drowning in my own pain to see the pain that I have inflicted on others. I guess the majority of BS feel exactly the same.

 

I am not and will never dismiss Xmm wife's pain as I mentioned before their marriage is older than I and that's pretty hard to comprehend. I guess in someway I'm beating myself up because I knew all along this would be the outcome and I'm fighting so hard to show that I don't care about any of it.

 

It is hard to see outside of our own pain sometimes. Humans, by nature, are self focused beings - it's about survival deep down and we are ALL programmed for it. It's a self actualization to be able to empathize with others even when in pain ourselves - it's not a skill many people have honed, for sure.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. You did the best you could with what you had - I believe that your intentions were not malicious or to purposely hurt others. Sometimes, there is pain in life - it is unavoidable - and as adults, it is our job to learn to self soothe and learn from these things - not keep all pain away from us because we can't handle it constructively.

 

You are at a place right now where you are probably going to be on a roller coaster of emotions - ride it through. They are JUST feelings - not permanent. Yes, they are important - and you should feel them - but they will subside, they will lessen, they will not hurt as much tomorrow as they do today - they will pass and change and morph. And they will NOT kill you.

 

Hang in there...

[georgia girl]

The BS dismisses your pain because he/she does not see it as legitimate. And likely, they also see it as a situation where you should have known better than to invite the pain into your life by entering into this type of relationship.

 

It may not be fair to say that, but I think that's the case. I'm newly married and I spent a long, long time dating because I got married for the first time as an old lady. As a single woman, I wouldn't have dated a married man - just didn't seem like a fair deal to me. You either offer me what I can offer you or I'm outta here. As a married woman, I see what I've invested into my marriage. I have joined families, resources, houses and I have committed my heart, even when times are tough and I don't really feel loving to my husband. That is a huge gamble.

 

If my husband ever chose to hurt my marriage in that way, it would simply be over and I would have no sympathy for him or for the other person. I'm outta there.

 

So, when I assess situations of posters here, I try to set that aside and genuinely understand someone's pain because it does hurt and it is real. But, in the back of my mind, I do think that an OW has invited this pain by choosing to get into a highly risky relationship and that they are also treading on what someone else has invested into their own marriage. It's hard to disconnect from that. I hope I am not dismissive, but empathetic in a way that is also not enabling.

[underwater2010]

In my case there was no pain for the MOW to feel until her husband found out. And even then she is just a cold person by nature.

 

For some on here.....I can understand the pain. But to me, that is something that most set themselves up for. However, anytime that you "LOVE" someone....it can end with pain. Doesn't matter if you have been abuse or ignored. It is pain.

[TheOW]

The BS dismisses your pain because he/she does not see it as legitimate. And likely, they also see it as a situation where you should have known better than to invite the pain into your life by entering into this type of relationship.

 

It may not be fair to say that, but I think that's the case. I'm newly married and I spent a long, long time dating because I got married for the first time as an old lady. As a single woman, I wouldn't have dated a married man - just didn't seem like a fair deal to me. You either offer me what I can offer you or I'm outta here. As a married woman, I see what I've invested into my marriage. I have joined families, resources, houses and I have committed my heart, even when times are tough and I don't really feel loving to my husband. That is a huge gamble.

 

If my husband ever chose to hurt my marriage in that way, it would simply be over and I would have no sympathy for him or for the other person. I'm outta there.

 

So, when I assess situations of posters here, I try to set that aside and genuinely understand someone's pain because it does hurt and it is real. But, in the back of my mind, I do think that an OW has invited this pain by choosing to get into a highly risky relationship and that they are also treading on what someone else has invested into their own marriage. It's hard to disconnect from that. I hope I am not dismissive, but empathetic in a way that is also not enabling.

 

I agree with you and I myself would see it from that point of view ... Actually what am I saying ? I DID see it from ur point of view before I became involved with MM (I was/is married myself we have decided to divorce)

 

It is actually quite frightening how easily you can become attracted and become involved with someone so quickly even though you were adamant you would never do this no matter how bad your marriage was. I always believed I would end things with my husband if I was not happy but instead I ignored the problems and became attracted to another, from then on my marriage become "tolerable" because I had mm.

[ComingInHot]

TheOw, " That makes sense but what about the BS on here when they read about OW and what they have been through and yet still dismiss us and our pain ?"

 

.... I don't...

 

And TheOW, I see other BW's here who have supported you ad empathized w/you in your personal pain from your A even though they are struggling from being betrayed themselves*

 

I wish I could do more for you to help you heal faster but ALL of us have to deal w/the pain & consequences from the choice/non-choice of an A.

 

Hug yourself and know you are special*

[neveragain34]

Not all BS's dismiss the OW's pain. When I spoke to the BS of my exMM, she felt very sorry for me and apologized for her husband "preying" on me as she put it.

 

I can understand though why some BSs would disregard your feelings if you went into affair knowing the person was married. They see it as setting yourself up for the pain. Think of it as jumping from a 30 foot building...you know you will be hurt, you know it's a terrible idea so why would you do it and then expect sympathy after everyone tried to stop you from jumping?

 

Sorry you are hurting. Don't let the few bad posts get in the way of the positive ones.

[TheOW]

TheOw, " That makes sense but what about the BS on here when they read about OW and what they have been through and yet still dismiss us and our pain ?"

 

.... I don't...

 

And TheOW, I see other BW's here who have supported you ad empathized w/you in your personal pain from your A even though they are struggling from being betrayed themselves*

 

I wish I could do more for you to help you heal faster but ALL of us have to deal w/the pain & consequences from the choice/non-choice of an A.

 

Hug yourself and know you are special*

 

I know u have and I appreciate all your words and comfort, I wasn't referring to you or any of the others who have given me their kind words even though they are struggling with their own pain.

 

I'm sorry I guess this is just a bad week and I'm on my own this year