Why does the BS dismiss the pain of the OW

[spice4life]

I have been though - I just choose to handle it differently.

 

Not that I want to share too much on this board, but my mother was murdered when she was 37 years old - taken from my sister and I by a very selfish person. I don't hold ALL murderers responsible for her death, nor do I expect each of them to apologize to me before I will be civil to them. No, I'm probably not going to be best friends with them and yack it up - but I'm also not going to go out of my way to harm them, attempt to degrade them, or demand apologies from them, as if they did something to me.

 

Yes, they did something to someone else, and I am sad about that, have empathy. I do not take it upon myself to make them apologize or feel remorse or even bother with if they do or not - it's not my job, my problem, or my concern. The universe will balance it all out - and that includes my mother's murderer. He will pay for his deeds - not legally and not at the hands of man - but in his own mind, in his own life. And if he doesn't? Well, that sucks - but I won't know because I don't care. I spend my energy on being there for my sister - who is the only other person in the world that had my Mom as her Mom too. We don't focus on him - we don't need his apologies (wouldn't make Mom be here anyway) - and we have forgiven him for our own good and trust that balance will take place.

 

I wouldn't go to a board for support for murderers and trigger myself - of course that would bring up feelings and reactions and emotions! And unless I felt I could handle that appropriately and maintain civility - I just wouldn't do it. Yes, they are murderers - but they are still human beings too - with emotions and feelings and families, etc.

 

What is it that Buddha said? "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned." Not that it's not healthy if it is being acted on appropriately - but attacking others is not appropriate - especially complete strangers who have done you no harm. (Not that you do this, just explaining my post - oh, and I was a BW too, so I know that pain well too - Mom's murder is just an example to try to not trigger some folks).

 

I just don't understand why some people have a hard time grasping this. I am beginning to wonder "as a whole" the impact Internet forums have in general on a person's psychological well being. For some reason people can lose all sense of civlity when it comes to posting on the Internet. I don't even read the comments to news stories on Yahoo anymore because they are soo ridiculously angry. It's like people feel it's okay to just say hateful aweful things because it's anonymous. Pain is pain no matter what side of the fence you're on and to think it's okay to take out your anger on a perfect stranger just because you don't see their face is beyond me. The "dog pile on the bunny" is so extreme that the supportive messages get lost IMHO.

[spice4life]

Someone specifically did though, and just within the last couple of days. And some just seem to expect a certain - demeanor - that kind of tail between the legs thing from ALL OWs and when it isn't there, they seem upset and label it as unremorseful. Or, state that the OW is bragging (I know some do, but I don't see it often at all) when they are simply not apologizing here profusely. To me, that isn't lack of remorse at all - simply someone who has come to terms with what they have experienced.

 

I'm not sure I can post who said the thing about OWs here should apologize to the BSs here for their actions - it's from another thread (I think, so many going on now!).

 

Yeah, they seem to forget that a loss is a loss no matter where you stand and everyone has a right to heal at their own pace. WS's certainly do....they aren't remorseful over night. Maybe a few are, but many MANY are not.

[whichwayisup]

Someone specifically did though, and just within the last couple of days. And some just seem to expect a certain - demeanor - that kind of tail between the legs thing from ALL OWs and when it isn't there, they seem upset and label it as unremorseful. Or, state that the OW is bragging (I know some do, but I don't see it often at all) when they are simply not apologizing here profusely. To me, that isn't lack of remorse at all - simply someone who has come to terms with what they have experienced.

 

I'm not sure I can post who said the thing about OWs here should apologize to the BSs here for their actions - it's from another thread (I think, so many going on now!).

 

I didn't see that and never have on here.

 

Just have to say these discussion threads seem to be the cause of crap flying around the past bunch of days, not threads where people are actually in need of help.. Anyway AR, welcome back, but boy, you come back with a bang.

[Spark1111]

Someone specifically did though, and just within the last couple of days. And some just seem to expect a certain - demeanor - that kind of tail between the legs thing from ALL OWs and when it isn't there, they seem upset and label it as unremorseful. Or, state that the OW is bragging (I know some do, but I don't see it often at all) when they are simply not apologizing here profusely. To me, that isn't lack of remorse at all - simply someone who has come to terms with what they have experienced.

 

I'm not sure I can post who said the thing about OWs here should apologize to the BSs here for their actions - it's from another thread (I think, so many going on now!).

 

I am so sorry for the murder of your mother, and while that would NOT be my reaction to it, I respect that it is your reaction. how you handle it your grief, your journey is very personal to you.

 

I think there are rigid, arrogant and often angry posters on all sides of the triangle. And while I wouldn't need an apology, an opening of the mind to empathize with the other side is a welcome and inspiring event.

 

I support anyone honest enough to admit and own their Shyte and not deflect, blame, assume, or impose a defensive air of superiority.

 

hear me, and I will try my hardest to hear you. It is that simple.

 

with that being said, I find it unique that you seem to identify with the the OW perspective when by your own account, you had an affair with a serial cheater whose wife knew of you and simply did not care.

 

you say all affairs are not the same and that is true. your's is one of them and very rare IMO.

 

Not the norm for many of the OW and BS who post here on a regular basis.

 

If there was NO deception, then you could truly not relate to many of the BS or OW posting here; their guilt or pain or shame or humiliation. how could you? It was not part of your affair sitch at all.

 

you do not have to tuck tail or express remorse. No BS's heart was broken in the conducting of your affair.

 

She was informed and simply did not care....about her philandering H and who he was with.

 

I get it.

[stevie_23]

(((AnotherRound))) I was shocked to read that about your mother. That is such a terrible thing.

 

Your attitude towards seems very healthy and rational...peaceful in a way.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry for you and your family's loss. Not something any child of any age should have to deal with, to lose their mom so tragically. Hope they caught the b.stard!

[cocorico]

But who here on this forum is demanding of OW/OM to apologize to them personally? I have never seen a poster make a demand of another poster to apologize for something someone else did to them.

I haven't seen that on any forums.

 

You liked that post without reading it? I hope you read contracts before you sign them.

 

I'd happily link to that post, but I believe that to be against the TOS.

[cocorico]

And while I wouldn't need an apology

 

Really?

 

.........

[ComingInHot]

coco, be nice now* there is enough "pot stirring" going on already.

 

Do You feel the BS "dismissed" your pain?

 

Yours is a Much different scenario as You are married to the guy who cheated w/you, so I don't even know if you ever felt any pain due to your A.

 

Maybe in reverse then? Was the BS in pain and did you acknowledge her pain & your part in it? Or did you dismiss it because everyone liked you best anyway?

[eleanorrigby]

You liked that post without reading it? I hope you read contracts before you sign them.

 

I'd happily link to that post, but I believe that to be against the TOS.

 

What? What post? You can send a post you want me to read in a PM but you can save your insults.

[dreamingoftigers]

I just don't understand why some people have a hard time grasping this. I am beginning to wonder "as a whole" the impact Internet forums have in general on a person's psychological well being. For some reason people can lose all sense of civlity when it comes to posting on the Internet. I don't even read the comments to news stories on Yahoo anymore because they are soo ridiculously angry. It's like people feel it's okay to just say hateful aweful things because it's anonymous. Pain is pain no matter what side of the fence you're on and to think it's okay to take out your anger on a perfect stranger just because you don't see their face is beyond me. The "dog pile on the bunny" is so extreme that the supportive messages get lost IMHO.

 

Yahoo is REALLY bad.

 

Man so many of them say the craziest, craziest hateful stuff there.

 

I stopped reading eons ago.

[AnotherRound]

Sorry for you and your family's loss. Not something any child of any age should have to deal with, to lose their mom so tragically. Hope they caught the b.stard!

 

We couldn't prove that he did it - it was her husband (not mine and my sister's father). It was a very complicated situation - and the Drs who treated her the final 3 days of her life were pushing for autopsy, but he had her cremated (next of kin) and we couldn't prove anything.

 

He is now remarried to his OW with children - and beyond that, I have NO idea where he is or what he is doing. I know, in my heart of hearts, that his life is crappy - in some way. He might be a sociopath and feel zero remorse for what he did to my Mom - but if that's the case, it wouldn't matter what I did to him really anyway bc he wouldn't feel bad anyway.

 

I guess for me it's all about knowing what I control and what I don't - and accepting that even when I don't like it. I was young when my Mom was killed - my sister even younger - and we had to deal with it regardless. We have learned over the years (Mom's been gone for almost 17 years now) that holding onto that anger and hatred does nothing. Initially, of course we were angry and upset - but we didn't take it out on him.

 

I saw him once after my Mom died and after all the funeral stuff - and he attempted to talk to me (we lived in the same town for a time afterwards) and I simply walked away. I had nothing to say to him, no reason to cause a scene - as it would only serve to stir up the drama more and more. I wanted peace - I am still sad that my Mother is gone - every day. But, having issues with him does NOTHING for that sadness - it doesn't make it better or subside. I just have to accept that my Mom is gone and that she was taken selfishly and that there is nothing I can do about it.

 

So - for the purposes of this thread - dismissing anyone's pain is fine - you don't have to feel empathy for others. But treating people badly bc one cannot self soothe and come to terms with their own pain is unhealthy emotionally. When one learns to let go of the illusion that you can "cause" things to other people - and let's go of the feeling of righteousness that they feel to want to cause damage to others - life is MUCH more peaceful and healthy.

 

I understand that some here are fresh out of their pain - and I know that it's more difficult to control yourself in the early stages of grief - I'm not arguing with that at all. But to assume that your pain gives you a golden ticket to treat everyone else like crap is unhealthy - and inappropriate. You never know what battles someone else is fighting - especially on an internet forum with anonymity. There are a lot of things about that person that are not readily noticeable or available - and focusing on one thing that they have been involved in or done and feeling that gives you the right to treat them badly is misguided.

 

All people are a mixture of strength and weakness, good and bad decisions, etc. Even Charles Manson has some redeeming qualities, really, he does. Hate their action, sure - disagree, have an opinion, etc. - but don't allow it to convince you that they are less than human and can be treated as such.

[spice4life]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your Mom...that's an aweful aweful loss to go through. I hope that man gets his just desserts one day! You have amazing strength and character and I bet your mother is there with you every step of the way. Thank you for sharing your story.

[AnotherRound]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your Mom...that's an aweful aweful loss to go through. I hope that man gets his just desserts one day! You have amazing strength and character and I bet your mother is there with you every step of the way. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

Thank you. I sometimes wonder if my Mom's death doesn't really put everything into perspective for me. I mean, having had to deal with that at such a young age, I had to grow up very quickly - and to have to watch my baby sister suffer, that was the worst part for me. I can't be her Mom, but I am a LOT like my Mom and that is comforting to my sister - which I am glad for.

 

Having said all of that - after dealing with that (and the husband who killed her had sexually assaulted me for YEARS prior, LONG story) and realizing how very little control I have in this world - I think everything else just pales in comparison. There was a time, right after I found out my exH was having an affair that I felt even "worse" than when my Mom was killed. But that quickly faded into "well, nothing is worse than losing Mom the way we did, so I know I can get through it, and life will go on, and everything will balance again one day"...

 

It colors a LOT of my view of the world, as it obviously greatly affected me. But I believe, despite how horrible it was, that many good things have come from it. For instance, my sister and I are so very close to one another, and maybe wouldn't have been had Mom lived and continued to kind of be our buffer. If I could change it - I honestly don't know that I would - as I DID learn from it, and I do know what good has come from it and I am very content with where I am in life.

 

Thanks again for your kind words... I was pretty hesitant about sharing it here... but thought it relevant.

[AnotherRound]

AnotherRound, I am so very sorry for your loss and for the troubles your family went through. That breakdown of what happened just now was really heartbreaking. Again, I'm very sorry.

 

 

Thank you. Even if we don't always see eye to eye, I appreciate that. It was heartbreaking, I don't deny that. I just don't "focus" on it - I choose to focus on what is good in my life as I can't change it.

 

Thanks again - I wasn't really sure about divulging it, but glad the chips are falling nicely and not hatefully. Thank you. )

[whichwayisup]

I understand that some here are fresh out of their pain - and I know that it's more difficult to control yourself in the early stages of grief - I'm not arguing with that at all. But to assume that your pain gives you a golden ticket to treat everyone else like crap is unhealthy - and inappropriate. You never know what battles someone else is fighting - especially on an internet forum with anonymity. There are a lot of things about that person that are not readily noticeable or available - and focusing on one thing that they have been involved in or done and feeling that gives you the right to treat them badly is misguided

.

 

I agree. And all sides of the triangle are hurting, some more than others depending on where they are in their situation. ALL sides have to take this into consideration.