Why does the BS dismiss the pain of the OW

[TheOW]

Seething: no need to apologise I know I do not project much in writing on these forums, I'm a great talker but not so good at projecting my thoughts on paper/type .. Whatever lol

 

All I am saying is that on here sometimes I'm being bombarded by BS when I'm on the OW forum (not the regulars you guys are actually amazing and LS should be proud they have you lot) and I tend to get overly defensive and then lose focus of what I was intending to write in the first place, which then makes my posts seems extremely arrogant and self-centred but lately a few posters seem to enjoy seeing my defences up then go write on another thread about how arrogant I am when in actual fact they done it to get a rise out me in the first place.... Oh dear so childish and I fell for it, no more.

 

Back on subject: you really think I have no remorse for BW ? I do I really do I understand wholeheartedly why she wants me gone I understand the hatred she has for me. Guilt ? I do and don't feel guilty ATM but I think things went 1000mph since dday and I honestly did not have time to focus on her pain I had my own world collapsing around me, sick kids, a distraught husband etc etc and I still have strong feelings for MM.

 

Just as the BS would say - they cannot feel anything because of their own pain all I am saying is I cannot feel her pain until my own subsides - why can't people get that ? It's human nature

[AnotherRound]

You have the right poster, but you completely missed the point of the thread. I wasn't LAUGHING at the lies, I was talking about how sometimes it feels ridiculous and you wonder how on earth you ended up in that situation. AND I posted it here, on the OW/OM support board, on a board that is meant for discussion and support of the ones who are in the affair.

 

It's actually a perfect example of what I was talking about in my other post. THIS forum, right here, is where we are supposed to be able to talk about the things we need to, our needs, our pain. I'm sorry if that post triggered any BS that might be reading here, but the thread was for the OW/OM to discuss our situations. I say this with a great deal of gentleness, but, sometimes if you read on a board that is designed to support the OW, if you are a BS you aren't going to like what you read. You are kind of taking that chance. I don't feel I should have to censor my own needs/thoughts/and/or pain because it might hurt someone else and yet I do it all the time. I constantly downplay how I feel about his wife because I know that can be triggering to others, yet it's a HUGE issue for me and one I'd love to be able to talk about.

 

You're doing it right now by dismissing my needs for posting here by thinking your needs are more imporant than mine. I'm not saying mine are more important than yours, but I'm not telling you that you shouldn't be posting the way you feel either.

 

I do post in infidelity sometimes, and I go out of my way to be respectful over there. I don't make posts "for fun" nor see it as recreation.

And as far as whether or not I'd be triggered, well... does being called about a dozen vile names count? Because that's happened, and I simply walked away from the conversation with the understanding that my input wasn't desired. I don't read the posts that say "I think all OW are <insert expletive here> because why would I do that to myself?

I ONLY post over there if I think I have something relevant to add, not with an intention to dismiss someone's pain. I feel very bad for those who are hurting.

 

I think it's also a parallel for those who believe that OWs "brought it on themselves" regarding pain and then get mad when they poke their hand into the fire and get burned (even though nobody was intentionally trying to hurt them and just following the guidelines of this forum).

 

That whole double standard thing just bothers me to no end because it's so obvious and so silly and so unrealistic. What's good for one is good for the other - apply the same medicine, ya know?

[AnotherRound]

but again, we are back to pain is relative.

 

In the abstract, everyone should be treated with dignity, even a sex abuser, EXCEPT when he abuses my friend, me, or GOD forbid, my child.

 

Then I hate him and may be irrational and want to hurt him.

 

NOW it is personal, and as I reel in pain, I could not care less about whatever pain he may be feeling. I could not care less that he had a horrible childhood and whatever circumstances or pathology drove him to hurt another.

 

I can understand that. However, here - your OW is NOT attacking you. None of us attacked you or yours - well, unless there really is some weird coincidence. See? I didn't sleep with your husband, or lie to you, or hide things from you - ever (I'm sure of this!). So, you can give me the politeness and it won't set your OW off scot free - it only means that you are treating someone else with civility bc you recognize that they are human and NOT the target of your anger.

 

On the flip side - although I have anger at people who have harmed me or my loved ones - I do not deem it a reason to treat them like ****. In fact, I try (I don't always succeed, but I do try!) to at least give them human decency - and I wouldn't go out of my way to harm them, bc that's not my right nor is it my job. If it was me, I would focus that energy on consoling and helping my harmed loved one - not on feeling like I needed to hand out punishment and/or judgment to another human - the universe will take care of that, I'm sure of it.

[AnotherRound]

( I could be wrong in my assumption, so if I am, please forgive me)...

 

many other women ( and men) who post on here say things about how they never wanted or planned to be"the other person', and when they come on here and post about how sorry they are, I never see it as groveling...rather I see it as someone who feels that their actions caused someone else pain, and they want to say they are sorry. Since they may not be able to say taht to the betrayed spouse in their own situation, they treat the people on here as a"proxy", and say it to them...

 

to me, that's a good first step in moving forward....saying 'sorry", letting go, and moving forward...

 

maybe some are even apologizing to themselves for having gotten into the situation..again, if they can forgive themselves and move forward towards being happy and feeling good about themsleves, that's a great thing...

 

 

if a person feels bad and finds that saying they are sorry is helpfult o them how is this 'groveling'? Since when is it 'weak' to admit one has maybe made some choices that weren't ideal...I would see it as more sign of strength and good character

 

This was simply about my personal experience here. That automatically, because I was an OW (A BW before that, but that seems to be lost in the chaos usually, lol) it was assumed by many (not all!) that I had some apologizing to do - here, to strangers.

 

I do not claim to not feel sorry that people here were hurt - of course I am. But I did not hurt them, and I owe them no groveling or kissing up to them just so that they will be civil to me. That's ludicrous for someone to say "well, if you don't say you're sorry to US then we will treat you like ****". What? Twilight zone-ish!

 

I agree that apologizing is a sign of strength - and when I wrong someone, I apologize. I have not wronged anyone here. I will apologize here if I misstep here - and I have and I did. I will not, however, allow people to treat me like **** and convince me that they are worthier than me of dignity, or that they have a right to treat me like ****, or that my beliefs and experiences are wrong or invalid or less than bc they say so. Some try to do this to Others, some don't - and when I see it, it gets my hackles up a bit bc it is inappropriate and misguided.

 

True regret is healthy and expressing that is healthy. Having strangers expect it and demanding it is - well, weird. It's just trying to force someone around to their way of seeing things- and you just never know the other person's story in full, so how do you KNOW that person needs to "repent" and apologize - and even if they did - why would that be owed to a stranger on an anonymous board?

 

Not aimed at you in any way -just responding to your query...

[AnotherRound]

AnotherRound;

You wrote, "...regardless of the fact that they THINK they have a right to forgive me. I don't need their forgiveness... "

 

I don't want to wonder too far off topic but this stood out to me and I hope I am not interpreting it out of the context of which it was written but I felt the urge to comment*

 

I am almost 100% positive that the exow in my stitch contacted me under the "guise" of an apology. I don't think she Truly wanted it. It was just an excuse to out the A then continue to contact me far after I told her I forgave her and to stop emailing me.

 

She honestly seemed LIVID that I forgave her immediately when she asked and that spurred her into email after email after email after email... of everything she could think of to write that would hopefully hurt me.

 

So I am wondering and hoping you have an answer or an idea of "why" she would ask for forgiveness, get it freely and graciously only to bait me time and time again to what? retract my forgiveness? to actually "DISMISS" her and her feelings?

I couldn't do that. Even though she was so hurtful, I figured it was because she was SO HURT.

I also knew that whether she meant it or not (saying sorry and looking for forgiveness), I had to forgive her anyway. It was something I did for me and it just so happened, she also asked.

If she had Never asked or wanted forgiveness, I still would have forgiven her, for my own healing.

 

That's what forgiveness is - it's for you to give to others - not demand FROM others.

[TheOW]

First, i'm here to learn, not to bombard. I can be opinionated but I try to be respectful. If I haven't done that with you I am sorry.

 

Now, I think people can understand what you wrote. I will say, having seen the whole story play out, that there are many times where you seem angry with the BS. It's one thing to have you focus on you, of course. But then when you seem as if the BS is somehow to blame for something, well that can rub people the wrong way.

 

I wonder (again, here to learn) are you angry with her? If so, is some of it because you do have strong feelings for MM, and she is with him? That would be understandable as it's human nature. Logically, no, it makes no sense, but emotionally, yes, it would be understandable.

 

Anyway, I hope that helps you a little. It isn't so much that you have pain as it is that you seem to want her pain to be ignored. You want her actions judged. Somehow, you want to be viewed as 'equal' to her, and to most BSs, that just isn't how you're viewed. I'm sorry if that's upsetting to you, honestly. I don't want to upset you or anyone else. But I do think that you have come across as wanting her to pay for something, anything, when she really was a victim here.

 

Now, at some point she is responsible for her actions. I did say she had no right to ask you to move. But she is going to be angry at you. She is going to tell her friends about you. She is going to do all of the things that a BS does, and the rest of the people are going to listen.

 

Again, I'm sorry. I think I'm saying too much right now. It isn't meant to be hurtful.

 

Apology accepted and I hope you accept my own apologies for being defensive.

 

I didn't realise that I came across like that but looking back I can see now that I am. No I don't hate her or want her pain dismissed over mines. Am I angry with her ? Truthfully I don't know that question has me thinking, im angry that she entered my home and pushed my child, I'm angry that she asked me to move and I'm also angry that she is trying to get the whole town against me BUT I completely understand why she is doing this if the roles were reversed I can't even begin to imagine what I would do.

 

Everywhere I go she's there, I am trying so hard to stay clear of her/them but she appears almost everywhere, my home phone rings 10 times a day with no one at other end they hang up after I say hello (I've stopped answering the phone) - maybe just coincidence and its them damn cold callers lol

[AnotherRound]

And yet you said:

 

"You wrote, "...regardless of the fact that they THINK they have a right to forgive me. I don't need their forgiveness"

 

So it's great to forgive someone, but no one should even THINK they have the right to forgive you.

 

I think you're baiting again.

 

Good evening.

 

What? Baiting? Again? Because I said that I don't demand that others forgive me, nor do I seek it? I'm sorry - but that makes no sense at all?????

 

Forgiveness is only given freely - not demanded from others. Just because I don't need forgiveness doesn't mean it doesn't have value for others. Just in my life, I don't need it to carry on - because heck, I can't make someone forgive me, I"m not in control of that! lol If I apologize and they choose not to forgive me - on we go because what else is there to do at that point?

 

Beg? Again - we are back to groveling - and I just don't get why some people (and I don't know if you do or not) think that's a sign of "true" regret, bc it isn't. I have seen people beg that are insincere - so, it's not a guarantee that the person means it just because they are crying and on their knees. And, why would someone need forgiveness from me? To make themselves feel better maybe? But me? Nope, never going to demand it bc I know how to self soothe and move on when something is out of my control.

 

That's all I was saying - I have no idea where you get the idea that I was baiting - simply responding in the debate to things directed at me.

[AnotherRound]

OH wait- because of the "they think they have the RIGHT"... I think I get what you are saying about this now... sorry...

 

They do have the right to forgive me - but not to demand an apology for me or try to bully me into thinking I need their forgiveness.

 

I am right with the universe - nothing said or done here changes that. Unless I hurt someone and don't apologize - then that's on me and I try to not let that happen.

 

But for someone to be so arrogant that they think that I should need their forgiveness and that I should have to beg it out of them is just incomprehensible to me. I can't make anyone forgive me - and I'm gonna keep it simple. I apologize - they do as they wish, we all move on - forgiveness or not. I have forgiven myself for any mistakes I felt warranted that and nobody in my situation is being harmed - so, here? Nope, no forgiveness needed - or wanted for my benefit.

[Got it]

AF - obviously going down that rabbit hole is the definition of insanity. Everyone has their own perspective, God love them.

[TheOW]

Yes, you're angry for those things, but maybe they're justification for you to be angry, when maybe you're angry/jealous that she is with him? I'm not trying to push you, but I really am wondering if that isn't a part of it.

 

Everywhere huh? She might be obsessed. it happens a LOT. BSs become obsessed with OM/OW. What do they look like? What do they wear? How do they wear their hair? What do they drive? etc etc etc.

 

Really the BS wants answers to questions like "Why her?" "Why is she so special?" etc etc. As painful as it is, there is a huge jealousy component to being a BS. Remember, that wife was there, the entire time. Her H chose to ignore her and be with you. That stings, badly. There is also the betrayal, and wondering what you talked about with her H, did you talk about her, their family, etc. There is an 'invasion of privacy' thing with being a BS. You and her H discussed things - intimate things. Those were discussions that only she was to have with him. She knows he talked about his feelings. Those should have been things he discussed with her. Talks about his family? Well, now YOU were talking about HER FAMILY. Privacy invaded, and by the enemy, because her trusted spouse let the enemy in.

 

Being betrayed by a spouse is a real mind blower. When a BS says their world was shattered, they mean it. It isn't just a broken heart, or jealousy. It is the betrayal by someone they thought was their partner. It is their privacy being invaded. It is their secrets being told to 'the enemy'. It is being ignored in favor of another. It is feeling foolish for believing the lies. It is wondering if the WS ever loved them, or if they've cheated before. It is wondering just how much of their world has been a lie. It is this and 1000 other things, and its constant. You can't run away from any of it.

 

Yes, you do have pain. But please try to understand all that this woman is dealing with. She may be becoming obsessed with you. You represent every bad feeling she is having. The next time you see her, take a good look at her. See if she's lost weight, or looks really tired. The inability to eat or sleep is very common for a BS. See if she's changed her hair, or some other external, irrelevant item.

 

I'm not saying this to try to get you to understand her. I'm saying this because if she's suffering a great deal and the effects are becoming physical, AND she's becoming obsessed with you, you may want to make more of an effort to stay away from her. It wouldn't be the first case where a BS killed or attempted to kill the OM/OW.

 

Sorry - not trying to scare you. Just please be aware of her state. And the calls? Well that's childish to say the least, but I'd bet it's her.

 

Sorry again if I've upset you. Not trying to.

 

And I'm glad we got to clear things up. I don't think you're a bad person at all. I hope you don't think I'm one. Although if you do, you wouldn't be the first

 

No I don't think you are a bad person at all and I am really appreciative you have taken the time to try and explain things to me.

 

My husband is feeling all these things as well and every night I cry for him and the pain I had caused him, sometimes I even wish he was here cuddling me but he's not and that is the best thing for him for us.

 

Your words have awoken something inside me though and it horrifies me to think what I have actually done to this woman.

[Spark1111]

Seething: no need to apologise I know I do not project much in writing on these forums, I'm a great talker but not so good at projecting my thoughts on paper/type .. Whatever lol

 

All I am saying is that on here sometimes I'm being bombarded by BS when I'm on the OW forum (not the regulars you guys are actually amazing and LS should be proud they have you lot) and I tend to get overly defensive and then lose focus of what I was intending to write in the first place, which then makes my posts seems extremely arrogant and self-centred but lately a few posters seem to enjoy seeing my defences up then go write on another thread about how arrogant I am when in actual fact they done it to get a rise out me in the first place.... Oh dear so childish and I fell for it, no more.

 

Back on subject: you really think I have no remorse for BW ? I do I really do I understand wholeheartedly why she wants me gone I understand the hatred she has for me. Guilt ? I do and don't feel guilty ATM but I think things went 1000mph since dday and I honestly did not have time to focus on her pain I had my own world collapsing around me, sick kids, a distraught husband etc etc and I still have strong feelings for MM.

 

Just as the BS would say - they cannot feel anything because of their own pain all I am saying is I cannot feel her pain until my own subsides - why can't people get that ? It's human nature

 

Well then I am confused. You asked why do BS dismiss the pain of the OW and I think you got at least 50 good replies why that happens from many BSs who lived it and have been trying to tell you why that is.

 

And in essence, you are agreeing but there is always a BUT My world has been collapsing so I couldn't really focus on it.

 

Her world had been collapsing too. her children, family, friends, spouse have also been collapsing all around her and while you could have anticipated the fall out, the end of your marriage which you had been mulling over, she woke up on another planet one day with no clue this was her reality.

 

She was never informed, never consented, never knew she was being lied to and deceived.

 

If your life took off at 1000 miles and hour at DDay, her life took off 10 times that and she is trying to wrap her head and her heart around a man who lied to her every day to be with you.

 

You knew he was doing this and by your own admission, did not care and still do not feel guilty about it. No one was having enough sex and he made you feel more alive and he would come running back to you in a heartbeat if you would let him.

 

I want to empathize, but I only hear you, you, you and how hard it all is for you now.

 

It's your mistake, your life is hard, you are healing and you are learning and harrowing.

 

again, you, you, you.

 

Honestly, it is hard to empathize with someone who leaves a wake of broken hearted destruction in their paths and STILL wants to know why they do not garner more sympathy with such selfish, self-destructive choices for which they now seem sorry for the consequences but continue to be un remorseful for the pain and heartbreak they have unleashed on several people.

 

personally, you just sound aggravated and self-pitying. You have so much more work to do.

[Got it]

Agreed - I just am amazed sometimes at what is called "baiting" when it's just an attempt at honest dialogue. I hate it when people are triggered bc the thread does downhill and fast - and this has been a really interesting thread - I'd like to keep reading it!

 

Simply put - you can be civil without agreeing, you can forgive or not forgive - your choice - but if you expect people to ask for forgiveness from you who you don't even know and have never done anything to you - I'm afraid it will be disappointing all around.

 

I agree. I am fine and I enjoy constructive debating. I like hearing all sides but when someone triggers, and it is obvious by the very emotional tilt of their perspective, it is impossible to argue over or around that. I am sorry that someone triggers and when I do, I try and take a deep breath and walk away. There are many times where I will write a post, walk away, and delete it before posting it. After taking a break for a little bit, most of the time I conclude that it isn't worth it.

 

And I have no reason to ask for forgiveness from every person I come across. If I have done something to you directly, then yes let's talk. But if I don't know you from Adam, then what exactly am I apologizing for? That I exist? Sorry, I guess them are the breaks. Life is definitely unfair.

[Got it]

TheOW - Do you expect empathy from the BS in your situation?

[Spark1111]

Yes, you're angry for those things, but maybe they're justification for you to be angry, when maybe you're angry/jealous that she is with him? I'm not trying to push you, but I really am wondering if that isn't a part of it.

 

Everywhere huh? She might be obsessed. it happens a LOT. BSs become obsessed with OM/OW. What do they look like? What do they wear? How do they wear their hair? What do they drive? etc etc etc.

 

Really the BS wants answers to questions like "Why her?" "Why is she so special?" etc etc. As painful as it is, there is a huge jealousy component to being a BS. Remember, that wife was there, the entire time. Her H chose to ignore her and be with you. That stings, badly. There is also the betrayal, and wondering what you talked about with her H, did you talk about her, their family, etc. There is an 'invasion of privacy' thing with being a BS. You and her H discussed things - intimate things. Those were discussions that only she was to have with him. She knows he talked about his feelings. Those should have been things he discussed with her. Talks about his family? Well, now YOU were talking about HER FAMILY. Privacy invaded, and by the enemy, because her trusted spouse let the enemy in.

 

Being betrayed by a spouse is a real mind blower. When a BS says their world was shattered, they mean it. It isn't just a broken heart, or jealousy. It is the betrayal by someone they thought was their partner. It is their privacy being invaded. It is their secrets being told to 'the enemy'. It is being ignored in favor of another. It is feeling foolish for believing the lies. It is wondering if the WS ever loved them, or if they've cheated before. It is wondering just how much of their world has been a lie. It is this and 1000 other things, and its constant. You can't run away from any of it.

 

Yes, you do have pain. But please try to understand all that this woman is dealing with. She may be becoming obsessed with you. You represent every bad feeling she is having. The next time you see her, take a good look at her. See if she's lost weight, or looks really tired. The inability to eat or sleep is very common for a BS. See if she's changed her hair, or some other external, irrelevant item.

 

I'm not saying this to try to get you to understand her. I'm saying this because if she's suffering a great deal and the effects are becoming physical, AND she's becoming obsessed with you, you may want to make more of an effort to stay away from her. It wouldn't be the first case where a BS killed or attempted to kill the OM/OW.

 

Sorry - not trying to scare you. Just please be aware of her state. And the calls? Well that's childish to say the least, but I'd bet it's her.

 

Sorry again if I've upset you. Not trying to.

 

And I'm glad we got to clear things up. I don't think you're a bad person at all. I hope you don't think I'm one. Although if you do, you wouldn't be the first

 

Brilliant post!

[Spark1111]

I can understand that. However, here - your OW is NOT attacking you. None of us attacked you or yours - well, unless there really is some weird coincidence. See? I didn't sleep with your husband, or lie to you, or hide things from you - ever (I'm sure of this!). So, you can give me the politeness and it won't set your OW off scot free - it only means that you are treating someone else with civility bc you recognize that they are human and NOT the target of your anger.

 

On the flip side - although I have anger at people who have harmed me or my loved ones - I do not deem it a reason to treat them like ****. In fact, I try (I don't always succeed, but I do try!) to at least give them human decency - and I wouldn't go out of my way to harm them, bc that's not my right nor is it my job. If it was me, I would focus that energy on consoling and helping my harmed loved one - not on feeling like I needed to hand out punishment and/or judgment to another human - the universe will take care of that, I'm sure of it.

 

then you have never been hurt or harmed or had your heart broken or been deceived to the point you thought your sanity, world-view, perception of reality, perception of yourself was about to shatter.

 

because walking through that and getting to the other side is truly baptism by fire and not fixed by politeness, consolation, or waiting for the universe to take care of it.

 

I am today just fine by judging those who harm me or my family and still muddle through life without the least bit of remorse or empathy for the pain and devastation they cause themselves, their children, innocent BSs and their children because they needed to feel more alive in their sad, lonely world.

Edited March 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lostinlife4now]

Yes, you're angry for those things, but maybe they're justification for you to be angry, when maybe you're angry/jealous that she is with him? I'm not trying to push you, but I really am wondering if that isn't a part of it.

 

Everywhere huh? She might be obsessed. it happens a LOT. BSs become obsessed with OM/OW. What do they look like? What do they wear? How do they wear their hair? What do they drive? etc etc etc.

 

Really the BS wants answers to questions like "Why her?" "Why is she so special?" etc etc. As painful as it is, there is a huge jealousy component to being a BS. Remember, that wife was there, the entire time. Her H chose to ignore her and be with you. That stings, badly. There is also the betrayal, and wondering what you talked about with her H, did you talk about her, their family, etc. There is an 'invasion of privacy' thing with being a BS. You and her H discussed things - intimate things. Those were discussions that only she was to have with him. She knows he talked about his feelings. Those should have been things he discussed with her. Talks about his family? Well, now YOU were talking about HER FAMILY. Privacy invaded, and by the enemy, because her trusted spouse let the enemy in.

 

Being betrayed by a spouse is a real mind blower. When a BS says their world was shattered, they mean it. It isn't just a broken heart, or jealousy. It is the betrayal by someone they thought was their partner. It is their privacy being invaded. It is their secrets being told to 'the enemy'. It is being ignored in favor of another. It is feeling foolish for believing the lies. It is wondering if the WS ever loved them, or if they've cheated before. It is wondering just how much of their world has been a lie. It is this and 1000 other things, and its constant. You can't run away from any of it.

 

Yes, you do have pain. But please try to understand all that this woman is dealing with. She may be becoming obsessed with you. You represent every bad feeling she is having. The next time you see her, take a good look at her. See if she's lost weight, or looks really tired. The inability to eat or sleep is very common for a BS. See if she's changed her hair, or some other external, irrelevant item.

 

I'm not saying this to try to get you to understand her. I'm saying this because if she's suffering a great deal and the effects are becoming physical, AND she's becoming obsessed with you, you may want to make more of an effort to stay away from her. It wouldn't be the first case where a BS killed or attempted to kill the OM/OW.

 

Sorry - not trying to scare you. Just please be aware of her state. And the calls? Well that's childish to say the least, but I'd bet it's her.

 

Sorry again if I've upset you. Not trying to.

 

And I'm glad we got to clear things up. I don't think you're a bad person at all. I hope you don't think I'm one. Although if you do, you wouldn't be the first

 

 

WOW!!! (ten characters)

[TheOW]

TheOW - Do you expect empathy from the BS in your situation?

 

No I don't

 

What I was trying to portray was I fully understand the pain the BS is going through but so are the OW and sometimes on these forums it's like we shouldn't feel anything, we are nothing.

 

For instance Sparks post, it's like she's saying how dare I think my life is upside down, BS life is worse than mines, I should only be focusing on BS pain I have no right to feel anything except shame.

[Lostinlife4now]

No I don't

 

What I was trying to portray was I fully understand the pain the BS is going through but so are the OW and sometimes on these forums it's like we shouldn't feel anything, we are nothing.

 

For instance Sparks post, it's like she's saying how dare I think my life is upside down, BS life is worse than mines, I should only be focusing on BS pain I have no right to feel anything except shame.

 

 

Yes.....OW...you can feel pain! And you are! (and it is healthy) And you have every right! You are human....and you have loved!!! And WE ARE something!

 

BS' life is no worse than yours.... Believe me I know!

 

Hang in there!

[TheOW]

Yes.....OW...you can feel pain! And you are! (and it is healthy) And you have every right! You are human....and you have loved!!! And WE ARE something!

 

BS' life is no worse than yours.... Believe me I know!

 

Hang in there!

 

Thanks Lost

 

The whole situation hasn't come crashing down on me yet if truth be told, I'm afraid to let my hackles down because when I do reality will slap me right across the chops.

 

Sometimes I wish there was a big black hole I could jump into, curl up and never awake again but I look at my children and I know things will get better we will survive and I can and will give them the best upbringing possible, I will tell them when they are older what I did to our family and I await their judgements.

[Spark1111]

No I don't

 

What I was trying to portray was I fully understand the pain the BS is going through but so are the OW and sometimes on these forums it's like we shouldn't feel anything, we are nothing.

 

For instance Sparks post, it's like she's saying how dare I think my life is upside down, BS life is worse than mines, I should only be focusing on BS pain I have no right to feel anything except shame.

 

you have very right to feel the pain you are experiencing. you were lied to and deceived also.

 

I knew that about the OW in my sitch within 24 hours after DDay and I empathized with her. I started a thread about it and was, yes, attacked for it, for having empathy for a divorced, lonely woman who I figured got caught up in his mid-life crisising BS.

 

I forgave her. it took me much longer to forgive him as he begged to reconcile and my head spun, my children sobbed and I had one faction of the family(HIS!) pressuring me to take him back and another faction ( MINE) telling me to just divorce his lying azz.

 

I immersed myself in IC, MC, reading, talking, blogging, form of exercise, meditation to get to the other side a whole and happy person.

 

I worked on me and the reconciliation harder than I have ever worked on anything. I LOVED this man but hated how he lied to me. he didn't have to.

 

I loved him enough to let him go. All he ever had to do was tell me the truth of his feelings of another.

 

look, you are at a crossroads here. You can figure out why you were so unhappy, why you made such self-destructive choices to yourself and your xH and your kids and work to make healthier choices in the future and lead a stronger, more authentic life.......

 

or you can continue to rant, rave, be defensive, blame him, her, anyone but yourself, feel sorry for yourself....and never change but always wonder why it never gets better.

 

That's what I would tell my daughter if she was in your shoes. And I mean that sincerely.

[Got it]

No I don't

 

What I was trying to portray was I fully understand the pain the BS is going through but so are the OW and sometimes on these forums it's like we shouldn't feel anything, we are nothing.

 

For instance Sparks post, it's like she's saying how dare I think my life is upside down, BS life is worse than mines, I should only be focusing on BS pain I have no right to feel anything except shame.

 

I think this is an important distinction to make. I agree with the differences. I think there has been assumptions that you were talking about your MM's wife. If that isn't the case then yes I agree in the big picture, you do not owe anyone else an apology on here.

 

You have every right to focus on your feelings and to work through your feelings as well. Do you have the ability to get into IC? It might be helpful and a safe place to vent your feelings.

[AnotherRound]

then you have never been hurt or harmed or had your heart broken or been deceived to the point you thought your sanity, world-view, perception of reality, perception of yourself was about to shatter.

 

because walking through that and getting to the other side is truly baptism by fire and not fixed by politeness, consolation, or waiting for the universe to take care of it.

 

I am today just fine by judging those who harm me or my family and still muddle through life without the least bit of remorse or empathy for the pain and devastation they cause themselves, their children, innocent BSs and their children because they needed to feel more alive in their sad, lonely world.

 

I have been though - I just choose to handle it differently.

 

Not that I want to share too much on this board, but my mother was murdered when she was 37 years old - taken from my sister and I by a very selfish person. I don't hold ALL murderers responsible for her death, nor do I expect each of them to apologize to me before I will be civil to them. No, I'm probably not going to be best friends with them and yack it up - but I'm also not going to go out of my way to harm them, attempt to degrade them, or demand apologies from them, as if they did something to me.

 

Yes, they did something to someone else, and I am sad about that, have empathy. I do not take it upon myself to make them apologize or feel remorse or even bother with if they do or not - it's not my job, my problem, or my concern. The universe will balance it all out - and that includes my mother's murderer. He will pay for his deeds - not legally and not at the hands of man - but in his own mind, in his own life. And if he doesn't? Well, that sucks - but I won't know because I don't care. I spend my energy on being there for my sister - who is the only other person in the world that had my Mom as her Mom too. We don't focus on him - we don't need his apologies (wouldn't make Mom be here anyway) - and we have forgiven him for our own good and trust that balance will take place.

 

I wouldn't go to a board for support for murderers and trigger myself - of course that would bring up feelings and reactions and emotions! And unless I felt I could handle that appropriately and maintain civility - I just wouldn't do it. Yes, they are murderers - but they are still human beings too - with emotions and feelings and families, etc.

 

What is it that Buddha said? "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned." Not that it's not healthy if it is being acted on appropriately - but attacking others is not appropriate - especially complete strangers who have done you no harm. (Not that you do this, just explaining my post - oh, and I was a BW too, so I know that pain well too - Mom's murder is just an example to try to not trigger some folks).

[2sure]

I think most posters here, both OW and BS offer support to each other...

IF each are far enough out of DDay.

 

Unless both are enough removed, it's just either too close to home or advice one isn't ready to hear. things get lost in translation , defenses are up.

 

I can easily offer some support to an OW that didn't bang my own husband for example.

[eleanorrigby]

Yes, they did something to someone else, and I am sad about that, have empathy. I do not take it upon myself to make them apologize or feel remorse or even bother with if they do or not - it's not my job, my problem, or my concern. The universe will balance it all out

 

But who here on this forum is demanding of OW/OM to apologize to them personally? I have never seen a poster make a demand of another poster to apologize for something someone else did to them.

I haven't seen that on any forums.

[AnotherRound]

But who here on this forum is demanding of OW/OM to apologize to them personally? I have never seen a poster make a demand of another poster to apologize for something someone else did to them.

I haven't seen that on any forums.

 

Someone specifically did though, and just within the last couple of days. And some just seem to expect a certain - demeanor - that kind of tail between the legs thing from ALL OWs and when it isn't there, they seem upset and label it as unremorseful. Or, state that the OW is bragging (I know some do, but I don't see it often at all) when they are simply not apologizing here profusely. To me, that isn't lack of remorse at all - simply someone who has come to terms with what they have experienced.

 

I'm not sure I can post who said the thing about OWs here should apologize to the BSs here for their actions - it's from another thread (I think, so many going on now!).