As an "other" - would you respond in this way?

[AnotherRound]

I'm curious about this, and didn't want to TJ or participate where it would possibly trigger BSs - so, I'm curious for those others who may have been BSs too - did you think that punishing your BS was a healthy way to carry on? Such as - attempting to control them and their actions, invading their privacy in an attempt to verify where they were and such, attempting to limit their friendships with others? Is it just me, or does this seem terribly unhealthy to anyone else too? What are your thoughts on this?

 

I sometimes see a reconciliation happening where the BS expects "groveling" from the WS and seems to think that this is appropriate and healthy. I do NOT agree with this at all - as begging in any relationship seems unhealthy - and kind of pointless to me? As does feeling some kind of security or validation from someone else groveling to me bc they made a mistake?

 

Would you continue on in a relationship like this? As the "other", did you see this happen with your MM/MW? How did you feel about it? Did it change your feelings towards the MM/MW or the BW/BH if it happened?

 

As an aside, this whole topic makes me feel ... yucky, for lack of better word. It feels like an authority figure position exacting punishment like one would to a child - not two adults in a relationship and I just don't see how that balance is ever restored - if it is???? Thoughts?

[whichwayisup]

Are talking about after a D-day or while the A is still going on?

 

There has to be a period of time where the BS is free to check up on their WS after Dday, then so be it. The WS has to earn the trust back.

 

If a WS and BS are working together to save their marriage and fix it, and 2 years pass and the BS is still constantly checking up etc, then that's not healthy and trust obviously is still a huge issue.

 

But, if you are talking about while the A is still on going and the BS is checking up on the WS, then what is wrong with that seeing as the WS IS cheating and doing something wrong?

[SidLyon]

I'm curious about this, and didn't want to TJ or participate where it would possibly trigger BSs - so, I'm curious for those others who may have been BSs too - did you think that punishing your BS was a healthy way to carry on? Such as - attempting to control them and their actions, invading their privacy in an attempt to verify where they were and such, attempting to limit their friendships with others? Is it just me, or does this seem terribly unhealthy to anyone else too? What are your thoughts on this?

 

I sometimes see a reconciliation happening where the BS expects "groveling" from the WS and seems to think that this is appropriate and healthy. I do NOT agree with this at all - as begging in any relationship seems unhealthy - and kind of pointless to me? As does feeling some kind of security or validation from someone else groveling to me bc they made a mistake?

 

Would you continue on in a relationship like this? As the "other", did you see this happen with your MM/MW? How did you feel about it? Did it change your feelings towards the MM/MW or the BW/BH if it happened?

 

As an aside, this whole topic makes me feel ... yucky, for lack of better word. It feels like an authority figure position exacting punishment like one would to a child - not two adults in a relationship and I just don't see how that balance is ever restored - if it is???? Thoughts?

 

Much of what you write doesn't make sense to me and sometimes your point is irrelevant to the topic such as when you went on about BSs abusing WSs on a thread that was about WSs abusing BSs. You continued on irrelevant topics until the thread was closed.

 

I agree with you above that a WS (I assume you mean) punishing a BS after d-day (again I have to assume that is what you are asking) is despicable behaviour and is an example of yet more abuse by the WS.

 

As for BS "expecting" grovelling, I know in my case my fWH's grovelling, and begging and pleading to stay with me caught me totally by surprise. I imagine it would have taken his OW by surprise too. It was upsetting to see him that way.

[AnotherRound]

Are talking about after a D-day or while the A is still going on?

 

There has to be a period of time where the BS is free to check up on their WS after Dday, then so be it. The WS has to earn the trust back.

 

If a WS and BS are working together to save their marriage and fix it, and 2 years pass and the BS is still constantly checking up etc, then that's not healthy and trust obviously is still a huge issue.

 

But, if you are talking about while the A is still on going and the BS is checking up on the WS, then what is wrong with that seeing as the WS IS cheating and doing something wrong?

 

I guess for me, I can't imagine living my life that way. I just don't do the "checking up on someone" thing. I find it to be humiliating that I would even have to do so, let alone actually doing it.

 

I guess I also feel that once that trust is eroded to that point, where someone feels that they have to do this in order to keep the relationship "safe" that the balance is just too far gone.

 

I mean, aren't there some things that are just beyond repair? And, why are there people who can't/don't accept that? I mean - why try to revive the dead horse when you KNOW it's dead? It just seems such a hard thing to come back from - and seems like there would be some really unhealthy habits formed in that "after the A" time that would keep that particular relationship from ever being healthy again. ???

 

If an A is still going on - then to me, there is no marriage - not in any "real" sense of the word (commitment, love, loyalty, etc.). If the A is over and the couple has agreed to move on, past the affair, then why the need to "check up on" or "snoop" or control or set limits... I mean, that's not moving past it - that's incorporating into your marriage - that imbalance, that distrust - isn't it? That doesn't seem like "moving on" to me... it seems like a whole different relationship is formed - one of unhealthy habits and no trust. ????

[AnotherRound]

Much of what you write doesn't make sense to me and sometimes your point is irrelevant to the topic such as when you went on about BSs abusing WSs on a thread that was about WSs abusing BSs. You continued on irrelevant topics until the thread was closed.

 

I agree with you above that a WS (I assume you mean) punishing a BS after d-day (again I have to assume that is what you are asking) is despicable behaviour and is an example of yet more abuse by the WS.

 

As for BS "expecting" grovelling, I know in my case my fWH's grovelling, and begging and pleading to stay with me caught me totally by surprise. I imagine it would have taken his OW by surprise too. It was upsetting to see him that way.

 

That's why I started a new thread - something was interesting to me and I didn't want to trigger anyone, so I tried to place it in a place where there wouldn't be triggering but where I could get some other people's insights into it too.

 

I think that's it for me - that "groveling" is just really not respectable for me - so, I would never want that. Nor would I want a relationship where I feel the need to "beat up emotionally" on my partner until we are back at equilibrium. I would, in my own life, just accept that the balance has been upset far too much and will never be equal again and move on. It's just hard for me to understand why some see this as healthy - and even more shocking when I hear professionals state that it is healthy and necessary for a reconciliation. It just seems so very unhealthy to me and seems like it would breed a LOT of resentment. ????

[anne1707]

AR

 

It just seems to me that you don't want to accept that marriages can succesfully reconcile after an affair. It seems to me that you can only see things from your own perspective and that you are also rather judgemental.

 

I would have thought that if you were a psychologist, you would not be so closed minded.

[wisernow]

Are talking about after a D-day or while the A is still going on?

 

There has to be a period of time where the BS is free to check up on their WS after Dday, then so be it. The WS has to earn the trust back.

If a WS and BS are working together to save their marriage and fix it, and 2 years pass and the BS is still constantly checking up etc, then that's not healthy and trust obviously is still a huge issue.

 

But, if you are talking about while the A is still on going and the BS is checking up on the WS, then what is wrong with that seeing as the WS IS cheating and doing something wrong?

 

I so agree. It's not like he/she slipped up and forgot to take out the garbage. I have been on both sides as the BS (I divorced him) and as an OW (a ended after dday) I have no idea what the exmm has gone through in making reparations in his marriage. It's not my business and I'm certainly not going to give him a call to find out. As for my exh, I didn't want to even attempt staying with him. I packed his crap and wished him well.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry A, I'm gonna bow out your thread because your way of thinking and how you view things is not the way I see things at all. Think I can speak for many on that.. Respectfully, I just wish you wouldn't blame the BS so much and know that most of the time the person cheating IS the broken one and 9/10 the marriage is fine. You seem to ruffle feathers in how you word things, albeit not intentionally, but many threads get shut down because of misunderstandings, hurt feelings and confusion. This thread seems to be one of them in the making.

[eleanorrigby]

I checked up on mine for a long time, had I decided to reconcile but never check up and verify things afterwards, I think i would have gone absolutely insane.

 

Had we had d-day and he immediately wanted to pretend that I should have the same level of trust that I had previously, we would not have survived.

[Decorative]

I guess for me, I can't imagine living my life that way. I just don't do the "checking up on someone" thing. I find it to be humiliating that I would even have to do so, let alone actually doing it.

 

I guess I also feel that once that trust is eroded to that point, where someone feels that they have to do this in order to keep the relationship "safe" that the balance is just too far gone.

 

I mean, aren't there some things that are just beyond repair? And, why are there people who can't/don't accept that? I mean - why try to revive the dead horse when you KNOW it's dead? It just seems such a hard thing to come back from - and seems like there would be some really unhealthy habits formed in that "after the A" time that would keep that particular relationship from ever being healthy again. ???

 

If an A is still going on - then to me, there is no marriage - not in any "real" sense of the word (commitment, love, loyalty, etc.). If the A is over and the couple has agreed to move on, past the affair, then why the need to "check up on" or "snoop" or control or set limits... I mean, that's not moving past it - that's incorporating into your marriage - that imbalance, that distrust - isn't it? That doesn't seem like "moving on" to me... it seems like a whole different relationship is formed - one of unhealthy habits and no trust. ????

 

Allow me to cut this verbosity down. You've been attempting to say this across multiple threads:

 

Another Round thinks reconciliation is an unhealthy choice.

 

There. Then we can cut out the false assumptions about what's going, motivations, and just made up scenarios- strawmen, as they are, that you keep setting up and knocking down.

 

I totally respect that when you were a BS, you did not reconcile. totally understand.

 

I also understand that you then became not an other woman, and became a known part of someone else's marriage. So the typical affair judgments have nothing to do with you.

 

Totally get it.

 

But please, for the love of peanut butter, stop acting like couples who chose differently are in a jail with the betrayed spouse as a warden.

 

Happy and healthy reconciled couples act nothing like the behaviors you describe. Nothing.

 

And for the record? I have zero desire to check up on my spouse. He knows- if he cheats again, I am out the door. It's up to him to be the man he can be, and not make bad choices again. He offers me transparency- and I have never ever asked for it. He gets it.

[AnotherRound]

AR

 

It just seems to me that you don't want to accept that marriages can succesfully reconcile after an affair. It seems to me that you can only see things from your own perspective and that you are also rather judgemental.

 

I would have thought that if you were a psychologist, you would not be so closed minded.

 

I'm open to it if someone can explain it - I just don't see how it's healthy. I know of marriages that have reconciled successfully - I just don't understand how the balance is ever restored - or if it is. I guess I think about it and think that I couldn't live with that imbalance - if others can, that is great, I just don't know how they do it.

 

I have never been a WS, but I would never grovel to someone else or beg them to be with me even if I had been. If someone doesn't want to be with me, I accept that, and move on. I find it demeaning to beg for someone to be with me - and I just wouldn't ever do it. So, I wonder how some other people reconcile that in their own minds? More so the WS as I don't know how they deal with being the "bad guy" in the marriage forever after the A (if that is the case?).

 

I think that healthy has to be equal - that both are invested, not one up and one down. One with power, one without power. I don't know if this is even how some reconciliations work - and maybe the ones that don't work simply don't because that balance is never restored? I've never really tried to reconcile - sort of with my exH - but I didn't like that he cried and begged - everything about it felt unhealthy and I just gave up on the whole thing bc I honestly looked into the future and thought, "this is NEVER going to work like this". ???? I didn't get any pleasure from it at all, and it just made me not even want to be around him anymore - it just turned my stomach. Also, I didn't think he was genuine - just scared to get divorced -that probably had a LOT to do with it (as he had lied directly to me previously).

 

It's just a situation I would like to understand better/more or whatever since I have never really experienced it and it always boggles my mind when I see it or hear of it.

[LadyGrey]

I'd venture a guess that there are very few women who would see groveling as attractive. I had an x who did that more than once, complete and total turnoff. I would think it would take a hell of a lot to get past that for any woman. When BS's mention it, I don't think they are mentioning it because they are happy about it or they liked it. It is just one aspect of it for some of them. Interesting how you think BS's want it and expect it. Possibly some do, but I doubt many of them.

 

You also confuse the steps that are normal for reconciliation with punishment, which is also not to say that some BS's don't go for that, but here, I see that angle very seldom.

 

Again, I think you view reconciling women as weak and disdainful which is the root of all this.

[Decorative]

And from my armchair psychology position ( because I am absolutely not one)- I think the former BS turned OW who are relentless on the BS blame themselves for their partner's cheating.

 

And I think that they project onto others. Because it's really hard to recognize that there was nothing you could do to stop your spouse from hurting you. That it really is them, and not you. And there's no safety net to guard against it. We cannot control other people.

 

And I know they just hurt inside. And that makes me sad for them.

[AnotherRound]

I checked up on mine for a long time, had I decided to reconcile but never check up and verify things afterwards, I think i would have gone absolutely insane.

 

Had we had d-day and he immediately wanted to pretend that I should have the same level of trust that I had previously, we would not have survived.

 

 

When you were checking up on him, how did you feel about yourself?

 

Maybe this is unique to me, but when I engage in that type of behavior, I feel totally crappy about myself afterwards. Like I feel when I give in and call someone when I'm NC - I just feel, ashamed and bad about myself.

 

How did you get past those feelings? Or did you not have them at all? And, did you feel that it was appropriate or healthy to have a balance inequality in the relationship - or did that balance never shift and never become unhealthy?

[anne1707]

You reallt don't understand people, do you?

 

I am a fWS. My H and I have successfully reconciled. He does not see me as the "bad guy", he does not check up on me, we are equals, power is shared.

 

Again, I do not understand how you can be so closed minded. That surely cannot help you in your profession.

[AnotherRound]

Allow me to cut this verbosity down. You've been attempting to say this across multiple threads:

 

Another Round thinks reconciliation is an unhealthy choice.

 

There. Then we can cut out the false assumptions about what's going, motivations, and just made up scenarios- strawmen, as they are, that you keep setting up and knocking down.

 

I totally respect that when you were a BS, you did not reconcile. totally understand.

 

I also understand that you then became not an other woman, and became a known part of someone else's marriage. So the typical affair judgments have nothing to do with you.

 

Totally get it.

 

But please, for the love of peanut butter, stop acting like couples who chose differently are in a jail with the betrayed spouse as a warden.

 

Happy and healthy reconciled couples act nothing like the behaviors you describe. Nothing.

 

And for the record? I have zero desire to check up on my spouse. He knows- if he cheats again, I am out the door. It's up to him to be the man he can be, and not make bad choices again. He offers me transparency- and I have never ever asked for it. He gets it.

 

No, I don't think reconciling is unhealthy. I think reconciling while having one partner beat another emotionally is unhealthy. If that doesn't happen, then I don't find it unhealthy. It's just something I see from time to time, or hear about and am wondering if anyone else sees how unhealthy that is? And like I said, maybe those are the reconciliations that just don't make it - because the balance is never restored, I have no idea.

 

I'm just seeing it and commenting on it and wondering if there are people that think it's healthy to have that kind of imbalance in a relationship. Because I have seen professionals state that this HAS to happen for reconciliation to be successful at all - that the WS must have total transparency and be open to all the anger the BS wants to throw at them.

 

Or, maybe I misunderstand reconciliation - could be. In that I interpret that transparency thing as "groveling" when that's not really what it is. I just think that it would feel that way to me from what I've experienced.

[TaraMaiden]

Let me ask: How can you honestly be studying psychology when you yourself are so closed-minded to truths that others place before you?

 

It is an unfathomable mystery to me how on the one hand you can say you're into counselling - but on the other, impose such rigid ideology that quite frankly, it makes a mockery of the careers of those who actually take counselling and psychology seriously.

 

You shy away from debate and refuse to be drawn into discussion.

And it appears more and more to me that the reasons for that, are that you rapidly discover your opinion is greatly in the minority, and actually, you are unable to substantiate your "logic" and have no leg to stand on.

 

What you believe doesn't make you right.

What we know - makes us more so.

[eleanorrigby]

When you were checking up on him, how did you feel about yourself?

 

Maybe this is unique to me, but when I engage in that type of behavior, I feel totally crappy about myself afterwards. Like I feel when I give in and call someone when I'm NC - I just feel, ashamed and bad about myself.

 

How did you get past those feelings? Or did you not have them at all? And, did you feel that it was appropriate or healthy to have a balance inequality in the relationship - or did that balance never shift and never become unhealthy?

 

I felt scared that I would find something and a bit relieved when I didn't, but at the time never completely relieved because I didn't trust anything anymore.

 

I didn't do anything specific to get past it, it just finally died out on it's own and I realized that I hadn't felt that nervous flutter in my stomach about him for a long time. I realized that he had come home late from work and I had actually fallen asleep instead of waiting up.

 

I didn't feel ashamed.

 

I'm not sure what you mean about the balance inequality.

[eleanorrigby]

 

I'm just seeing it and commenting on it and wondering if there are people that think it's healthy to have that kind of imbalance in a relationship. Because I have seen professionals state that this HAS to happen for reconciliation to be successful at all - that the WS must have total transparency and be open to all the anger the BS wants to throw at them.

 

Or, maybe I misunderstand reconciliation - could be. In that I interpret that transparency thing as "groveling" when that's not really what it is. I just think that it would feel that way to me from what I've experienced.

 

I think this is true, the WS does need to be transparent and open for a long time if not forever after a d-day. And I think for a certain amount of time after a d-day that a WS (that wants to reconcile) should let his/her BS vent and be angry.

If I had not been allowed time after d-day to yell and scream and pound $hit, we would not have made it.

[AnotherRound]

Let me ask: How can you honestly be studying psychology when you yourself are so closed-minded to truths that others place before you?

 

It is an unfathomable mystery to me how on the one hand you can say you're into counselling - but on the other, impose such rigid ideology that quite frankly, makes a mockery of the careers of those who actually take counselling and psychology seriously.

 

You shy away from debate and refuse to be drawn into discussion.

And it appears more and more to me that the reasons for that, are that you rapidly discover your opinion is greatly in the minority, and actually, you are unable to substantiate your "logic" and have no leg to stand on.

 

What you believe doesn't make you right.

What we know - makes us more so.

 

I'm not studying psychology - other than the CEUs I get for my licensure. I am a licensed Psychologist - as in, I have obtained multiple advanced degrees in the field. I am published also, and those published articles are about trauma and grief and counseling with said subjects.

 

Stand for what is right, even if you stand alone. A lot of people agreeing with me is not necessary - I'm perfectly okay with that. I don't debate because there is no point. Are you going to change your mind? Nope, lol. I'm just learning - gaining insight and listening to others express themselves - which gives me a broader view, and hopefully helps me to understand it.

 

I do have opinions, just bc I'm a professional doesn't mean that I don't have my own thoughts - that I'm a blank slate. I just don't let my opinions into the sessions with me - as any professional knows is not the point. The point is, my clients would never be aware of MY opinions, because they are irrelevant. My clients tell me where they want to be, and I help them get there - doesn't matter what I think or what my opinions or beliefs are. It's their session - and I don't tell them who they should be - that's not for me to decide.

 

I do quite well in my field, and I'm okay with some believing that I'm not really a professional or thinking that I suck at what I do. This website is a "fun" activity for me - when I have down time. Not my job, not my clients - just a place for me to be like everyone else and discuss and learn and observe and broaden my horizons. And, if some don't want to share with me, that's okay too - but others do and I learn a lot about people and labels and love and life and that's all I ask for.

[MissBee]

I'm curious about this, and didn't want to TJ or participate where it would possibly trigger BSs - so, I'm curious for those others who may have been BSs too - did you think that punishing your BS was a healthy way to carry on? Such as - attempting to control them and their actions, invading their privacy in an attempt to verify where they were and such, attempting to limit their friendships with others? Is it just me, or does this seem terribly unhealthy to anyone else too? What are your thoughts on this?

 

I sometimes see a reconciliation happening where the BS expects "groveling" from the WS and seems to think that this is appropriate and healthy. I do NOT agree with this at all - as begging in any relationship seems unhealthy - and kind of pointless to me? As does feeling some kind of security or validation from someone else groveling to me bc they made a mistake?

 

Would you continue on in a relationship like this? As the "other", did you see this happen with your MM/MW? How did you feel about it? Did it change your feelings towards the MM/MW or the BW/BH if it happened?

 

As an aside, this whole topic makes me feel ... yucky, for lack of better word. It feels like an authority figure position exacting punishment like one would to a child - not two adults in a relationship and I just don't see how that balance is ever restored - if it is???? Thoughts?

 

Affairs in and of themselves are yucky things. And once you lay down with dogs, so to speak, you get fleas. So once you embark on an the drama which is an affair, which is also unhealthy, I imagine the process to get to a helathy place will be--a process.

 

If the WS was reacting in a healthjy manner the A wouldn't have happened...so needless to say, that initial unhealthy line of action, will probably domino into more as people try to grapple with it. It is unrealistic to expect that after an A is discovered, a BS will be completely reasonable, rational, put together, know exactly the proper ways of acting and being and simply say "there there WS...we will work it out" and then sail off into some glitch free reconciliation. Nope...not even in Hollywood.

 

Affairs, betrayal, lies, deceit, emotions, relationships, fears, hopes,. crushed dreams, lost of trust etc. are all MESSY things and no BS/WS/OW is perfect while navigating it. It is not simply "a mistake." Mistake or not, the consequences to another are sometimes dire. I think irrational anger and irrational expectations are normal at the beginning of reconciliation. It's like any trauma. If you've been robbed before, raped, been in a car crash, in the first few days/weeks/months/years for some, you are on HIGH alert. You don't act normally. You're terrified of it happening again, you are extra cautious, over-cautious, extra-vigilant, easily triggered etc. This is normal. It is with time that you usually get to a less vigilant and sort of crazy place. I can thus imagine that in the beginning of reconciliation there will indeed be feelings of wanting to punish or being hypervigilant. I think this is a typical response. It is not one that is healthy in the long run, but certainly is to be expected and is thus a healthy and normal response initially, so long as one isn't stuck there permanently.

 

I've never been a BS personally and hope never to be. But one reason why I often say I doubt I could reconcile, depending on the severity, is that I don't know how I would manage to not be in that stage perpetually.

[TaraMaiden]

No, I don't think reconciling is unhealthy. I think reconciling while having one partner beat another emotionally is unhealthy.

Then it cannot be called 'reconciliation. The word comes from the French, reconnaître - which means to recognise, or know again.

If there is an imbalance, such a thing cannot be happening.

 

 

Or, maybe I misunderstand reconciliation - could be.

I don't think there's any doubt about that....

 

In that I interpret that transparency thing as "groveling" when that's not really what it is

.

This is your interpretation, which you should only ever apply to your own direct personal experience. For all other people concerned, you should keep a totally open mind and evaluate each situation as it arises - without casting your own judgement over it...

 

I just think that it would feel that way to me from what I've experienced.

 

But you're not other people.

You've just made my point, haven't you?

For you, from what you've experienced - fine.

For others....?

Don't even hazard a guess. It's neither your place, nor right, to do so.....

[Decorative]

No, I don't think reconciling is unhealthy. I think reconciling while having one partner beat another emotionally is unhealthy. If that doesn't happen, then I don't find it unhealthy. It's just something I see from time to time, or hear about and am wondering if anyone else sees how unhealthy that is? And like I said, maybe those are the reconciliations that just don't make it - because the balance is never restored, I have no idea.

 

I'm just seeing it and commenting on it and wondering if there are people that think it's healthy to have that kind of imbalance in a relationship. Because I have seen professionals state that this HAS to happen for reconciliation to be successful at all - that the WS must have total transparency and be open to all the anger the BS wants to throw at them.

 

Or, maybe I misunderstand reconciliation - could be. In that I interpret that transparency thing as "groveling" when that's not really what it is. I just think that it would feel that way to me from what I've experienced.

 

Nobody is groveling ( well, except at DDay- when I packed his stuff and wished him well with his OW. Then he begged for me to take him back).

 

Nobody is controlling another person.

 

Your ideas of reconciliation have very little to do with reality.

 

It's okay that you don't support reconciliation.

It really is. You've said it eleven different ways to Sunday. You just don't seem to want to own it.

 

Go ahead. Own it. You'll feel better. LOL

[LadyGrey]

AR, you said you see LS as fun??? Such serious subjects are fun to you??

 

Really?

[AnotherRound]

I felt scared that I would find something and a bit relieved when I didn't, but at the time never completely relieved because I didn't trust anything anymore.

 

I didn't do anything specific to get past it, it just finally died out on it's own and I realized that I hadn't felt that nervous flutter in my stomach about him for a long time. I realized that he had come home late from work and I had actually fallen asleep instead of waiting up.

 

I didn't feel ashamed.

 

I'm not sure what you mean about the balance inequality.

 

I think of the balance inequality as one partner having kind of a golden ticket for any kind of behavior for an amount of time, or maybe forever? I don't know if this ever actually happens - but it feels to me like a precedent is set up by this. This kind of , "I can do whatever I want bc you had an affair" attitude. Maybe that's not how it is at all - maybe it just seems like it to me bc I'm hearing people express it at a certain (maybe really early?) time in their reconciliation efforts?

 

I just know for me that I honestly feel ashamed of myself if I "chase" someone at all. Not that reconciling is chasing - but some of those behaviors that I've heard are necessary (checking up on them for instance) feels like "chasing" to me. It feels to me like I am forcing myself onto someone else when their actions are telling me that they don't want to be with me in an equal relationship?

 

I have a feeling this is much more MY issue than anyone else's. That I have some unique feelings about this and that I'm definitely not the norm - that what feels to me like submission (?) is to others normal and healthy and acceptable. Whereas to me, it seems terribly unhealthy and I KNOW I wouldn't be comfortable with it at all.

 

Huh - probably why the reconciliation efforts of my exH just never sat well - bc it felt VERY imbalanced to me. Even though I had not had the affair, and he had - I knew that I had done things wrong in the relationship too and I just didn't feel like that balance could ever be restored. Balance meaning - we were equal partners in the relationship with equal investment.