She's cut herself out of my life, and I'm heartbroken. What do I do?

[TS]

Hi. I'm new here. I posted this elsewhere, but I would like some insight.

 

On August 15th of this year, my fiancee gave me the ring back and said, "I can't marry you."

 

Her reasoning was, "I want to be on my own".

 

I'm devistated and heartbroken.

 

Here's my story:

 

We met on Easter Sunday 2003 at a church. She had been a member there for some time, and I had recently made a commitment to join. We were introduced to each other, and exchanged pleasantries, and that was the end of it.

 

The following weekend, I was at a friend's wedding, and was going to not be able to drive all the way back from the wedding to attend the "New Member" class at the church. I however, was very committed to this church (having taken almost a year to decide to join), and made the drive anyway. I arrived at church, and there was this girl that I had met the week before. She seemed very popular amongst the folks at the church, and everyone said hello to her. She and I talked briefly. She was very pretty and I noticed she was especially well dressed for church. We talked for about 10 minutes about church stuff, and I went into the class.

 

The following night (Monday night) I got an e-mail from her, about somethings at church. We corresponded via instant messenger, and decided to go for ice-cream. I still at this moment did not realize that she was in fact interested in me. I had gotten out of a bad relationship about 9 months prior, and wasn't looking for anything.

 

That Thursday night (11 days from when we met) we spent the entire night just talking on a blanket at the college she attended. We watched a sunrise and I knew that there was something special about her.

 

We were engaged in late November 2003, and things went along just swimingly. Our families loved each other, her siblings and I got along well, she got on well with my family, it was brilliant.

 

Christmas Holidays were filled to the brim with joy and love, Valentine's day had never been better for either of us. This is true love.

 

We went on vacation in June together, and had a bit of a rough spot, but all was ironed out.

 

We went on vacation in late July/early August to Florida and everything was even better when we got back than when we left for vacation.

 

Things were great.

 

Friday the 13th she met with her therapist and made the decision to end it with me. I did not know this until Sunday. I spent the night building her brother a computer for college. Saturday we had a huge party at my house as a going-away party for her brother, and I had no idea. Her youngest brother got drunk, puked all over my bathroom, and himself. She left early Sunday morning to go to work (7AM - 3PM), and said she would be by later. (I still had no idea). I woke up around 10:30/11:00 AM, cleaned up her brother, made sure he got a shower, some oatmeal, washed his clothes, and drove him home.

 

Sunday around 4:45, she says, "I can't marry you", "I just need to be on my own", "Its not that I don't want you, I don't want anybody right now. No boyfriend, no fiancee, no husband"

 

I realize that there was an age difference between us and that she needs to do some maturing. She's 20, and I'm 32.

 

I've been in some relationships before, but nothing, NOTHING, has ever effected me like this before. I had finally found my true love, and my soulmate.

 

She says she loves me and that there might be a chance later after she's done this period of being on her own, but right now, I've lost my best friend, partner, soulmate, and love of my life.

 

What do I do?

[Scott S]

I'm very sorry to hear that. I'm sure that it's very painful.

 

Assuming she's being completely above-board with you, at age 20 there may very well be some maturity issues.

 

Right now, your best chance is to give her the space she needs. Be there for her, as a platonic friend (if you can, of course), but move on with your own life in the meantime. If she doesn't want a love relationship right now, you can't make her want one, & trying to do so would only push her away.

 

Best wishes to you both.

[TS]

Well she called today. 1 week and 1 day since she picked up her stuff.

 

She asked why I hadn't called, I told her it was because she told me that she needed her space and that I didn't want to be that creepy stalker guy.

 

We talked a bit. I told her that I missed her a lot. She told me, "I miss you too, sometimes" Which I'm not sure of.

 

We both told each other that we loved each other. I asked her if she was seeing someone else she said, no, but she was planning to and was I planning on it? I told her no, that I would wait for her.

 

She said, "That's silly you have to move on." I told her, "Look, I don't care what you do. Go. Date other guys. Sleep with whomever you want. I don't care. I have faith."

 

She said, "But that will kill you to see me out with other guys." I said, "Maybe, but that's what you need to do right now. So go. I'll be waiting for you. You're the love of my life."

 

She then said that she had to get to class, but we should talk more. I don't think she was expecting me to say any of this.

 

Crap. I miss her, I miss her family. I didn't just lose her, I lost my whole other family. Guh.

[Scott S]

We both told each other that we loved each other. I asked her if she was seeing someone else she said, no, but she was planning to and was I planning on it? I told her no, that I would wait for her.

 

She said, "That's silly you have to move on." I told her, "Look, I don't care what you do. Go. Date other guys. Sleep with whomever you want. I don't care. I have faith."

 

She said, "But that will kill you to see me out with other guys." I said, "Maybe, but that's what you need to do right now. So go. I'll be waiting for you. You're the love of my life."

 

Hmm. Very mixed signals, don't you think? Didn't she say she wanted to be on her own right now? She doesn't want anybody right now. No boyfriend, no fiancee, no husband?

 

If you don't mind my saying so, though, you need to be watch what you say to her. The "sleep with whomever you want" is pretty mean-spirited, & is not going to help anything. I know your're hurt, & emotions are high, but don't say or do anything you'd likely regret later.

 

For now, try to move on. Be a platonic friend for now (if you can). Date others if you want to, but don't be In-your-face about it. She said she wants to talk more, so give her the chance to. When she does, make it a point to do more listening than talking.

 

Good luck Take Care!

[WantanS4]

What the F*** is it with women and their inabilities to think "Hmm... hey I've got a good thing here...." and instead think "Oh... i could always do better".......

 

A lot... A WHOLE LOT of this is going around now.....

[Scott S]

What the F*** is it with women and their inabilities to think "Hmm... hey I've got a good thing here...." and instead think "Oh... i could always do better".......

 

The same thing that's with men. The perception of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence. We often don't know how good something is until we no longer have it.

[Blah Toolz]

Sup TS, your story is very reminiscent of my own. Check mine out if you get the chance... some of the occurences that have taken place might go down in the same way for you as well.

 

My ex was the girl I saw myself marrying... so I know how you feel when you say you lost a soulmate. Mine also said there might be a chance in the future for us to get back together. I too was extremely close to her family... her mother treated me like a son, and I was best friends with her little bro. I didn't only lose her, but the company of some great, loving people as well. I just have to tell you... the best way to get over it is no-contact.

 

Of course, it's immensely painful either way -- but if I got through, you can too, bro. There will be times when you feel like there is nothing going for you... but there always is. Remember that... you've just got to work on yourself now. Join the gym if you haven't already, take up a new class or something... I just recently went back to karate. It's good to keep yourself busy and improve yourself.

 

Like they say... the best revenge, is to be successful.

[prevch]

Hey man sorry to hear about your loss. I am in the same situation. She loves you man let her go out and see what else is out there she will see that she made a mistake.