advice needed

[lost]

I need help!!!!!!!!! I am 29 and have been somewhat happily married for 2rs. I lived with hubby for 8 before marrying--we basically grew up together. I now have a hugely successful career and am in love with another man who lives in a different country. Mutual friends have told me for years that we are "perfect for eachother" and how sad it was we never met. Well, we have (work for the same parent company) and it seems to be the real thing. He has a live-in for 9 years now. How can I tell what is real? What if all of this is happening for a reason and I let it go by? What to do??

[Tony T]

1. "How can I tell what is real?"

 

There is no difference between what is real and what is imagined. It is all in your perception. But let me tell you something right now. The are something like 4 billion men in the world, and probably 300 million that would be good for you. You could probably fall in love with any of, say, 15 million of them. Yep, a pretty good supply for you...and that's conservative. Run the numbers yourself.

 

If you can be somewhat happily married now yet fall in love with man in a different country, you have serious committment and loyalty problems and you should do all these men a favor by not getting involved until you get your act together. Love doesn't mean crap if you can't be loyal. Hell, you can probably fall in love with somebody different in your own town once a week if you have the desire and make the decision to do so. Falling in love is NOT something that is completely out of our control.

 

If you are relatively happy in your marriage, I hope you will work to strengthen that, strengthen your ability to be loyal, and help yourself deal with the irrationality of "falling in love" with somebody in another country. That's kind of nuts, although I must say once in a while I see a foreign movie and fall in love with one of the actresses.

 

2. What if all of this is happening for a reason and I let it go by? What to do??

 

It is happening for a reason. It's happening because you made the decision to let it happen. You are looking for the buzz that comes with the initial stages of love, just like you felt for your husband when you met him 10 years ago. That's chemical high, which you create for yourself with mindpower, doesn't last forever and it won't last with this guy you think you're in love with now. You are only the victim of a chemical-induced high which appears as love and is created by YOU. You hardly know this guy except what he has told you in the communications you have had.

 

If you are in need of the chemical high and you fully understand the consequences and you don't want to bother with committment, be straightforward and honest with your husband. Let him know you love him, you enjoy the marriage, but that you just want those chemicals buzzing around in your brain.

 

Then, don't get married again. Just live with guys until you stop feeling that high (between three months and four years, usually somewhere in between), leave them when it stops and subscribe to what is now known as serial monogamy. Then go out and find another who gives you that high. You can be monogamous with one person at a time.

 

Isn't it strange that you apparently had a pretty good sizzle for your husband until you married him?

 

Comedian David Letterman usually changes girlfriends about every three years. That seems to be his limit. But he talks abou this publicly and the ladies he sees are put on notice of his tendencies well in advance. Maybe some think they'll change him.

 

You are the captain of your ship...but please understand that your feelings for this guy out of the country are of your own creation inside that brain of yours...chemicals that are produced by your own body...and I don't think it's love. But go for it and find out. Whatever you do, if you get a divorce, for the sake of everybody involved, don't get married again until you have lived with a man for 50 years.

 

I really don't blame you for wanting that chemical stuff, it's GREAT!!! But it doesn't last forever and when you get older you will find there is nothing in the world that beats a loving, caring, committed relationship that is companionate in nature, stable, and secure.

[Ed]

Congratulations on your successful career. You are on top of the world. As long as your career remains successful, you will have many opportunities to fulfill your every desire. And why shouldn't you? You can have it all. The highly competitive business world does not reward complacency, as you probably already know. For many people in a position like yours, they expect their interpersonal relationships to be as demanding, challenging and rewarding as their professional lives. I think you are having a taste of that right now.

 

Your current partner and the relationship you have with him may not be demanding, challenging and rewarding anymore. Your professional life is on the move and you want your personal life to keep pace. You obviously feel as though there is something missing. Maybe your husband is not as successful, motivated or driven as you are. Maybe he has gotten used to routines that, for you, have become dull and boring. I don't know - But something is missing. Whatever it is that's missing needs to be addressed between the two of you.

 

You asked, "How can I tell what is real?"

 

It's pretty much just as Tony so very well described it in his post. You create your own reality and you create your own experience by the way you think and how you react to those thoughts. You will only be as happy as you want to be! Happiness and success are not bounded by the things or people around you, only by your perception of yourself and those things or people. It's all in your head.

 

You already have a successful professional life. I'm sure you invested a great deal time and effort to get to this point. What you need to do now is define success for your personal life. Then, decide how much time and effort you are willing to expend to achieve it. Just as with your career, it will take a lot of work to reach your goal and as much if not more to maintain it.

 

In my opinion, giving up your current spouse based only on the possibility of having a love relationship with the other guy would be a mistake. But I'm not you and I don't know what the other circumstances are in your current marriage. I think it would be worth investigating the other circumstances before making a decision like this.

 

Regards,

 

Ed

[Deejette]

Do you think he will leave his relationship of nine years for you? Are you willing to leave a 10-year relationship for him? You may find, after the fireworks calm down, that he has different ways of doing things that may be quite irksome on a day-to-day basis. Or, once he has gotten used to you, he may not be as attentive and romantic as he is now.

 

That is why love needs time to develop. You have to be able to see how that person behaves in reality, not just under exciting conditions like fast-paced business sessions, delightful restaurants, and clandestine meetings. To throw your lives into upheaval may be very unwise, just because you are so attracted to each other.

 

The male/female magnetic pull can be a very strong thing and I have felt it for some very unworthy people who would have ruined my life if I followed through with my romantic impulses. Just because you feel these powerful feelings doesn't mean you can base your entire future on them.

Congratulations on your successful career. You are on top of the world. As long as your career remains successful, you will have many opportunities to fulfill your every desire. And why shouldn't you? You can have it all. The highly competitive business world does not reward complacency, as you probably already know. For many people in a position like yours, they expect their interpersonal relationships to be as demanding, challenging and rewarding as their professional lives. I think you are having a taste of that right now. Your current partner and the relationship you have with him may not be demanding, challenging and rewarding anymore. Your professional life is on the move and you want your personal life to keep pace. You obviously feel as though there is something missing. Maybe your husband is not as successful, motivated or driven as you are. Maybe he has gotten used to routines that, for you, have become dull and boring. I don't know - But something is missing. Whatever it is that's missing needs to be addressed between the two of you. You asked, "How can I tell what is real?"

 

It's pretty much just as Tony so very well described it in his post. You create your own reality and you create your own experience by the way you think and how you react to those thoughts. You will only be as happy as you want to be! Happiness and success are not bounded by the things or people around you, only by your perception of yourself and those things or people. It's all in your head.

 

You already have a successful professional life. I'm sure you invested a great deal time and effort to get to this point. What you need to do now is define success for your personal life. Then, decide how much time and effort you are willing to expend to achieve it. Just as with your career, it will take a lot of work to reach your goal and as much if not more to maintain it. In my opinion, giving up your current spouse based only on the possibility of having a love relationship with the other guy would be a mistake. But I'm not you and I don't know what the other circumstances are in your current marriage. I think it would be worth investigating the other circumstances before making a decision like this.

 

Regards, Ed