Reasons NOT to tell

[BetrayedH]

Are there any good reasons not to expose an affair to a BS? I'd love to see a healthy intellectual and respectful discussion on the merits of any/all reasons not to tell. I'm primarily thinking of exposure by an OW/OM but if you have other scenarios where you think someone else shouldn't tell, I think those are valid discussions, too.

 

Until recently, I felt that there were no good reasons to keep such a thing hidden from a BS. A recent thread brought up a scenario where the BS has a terminal illness. Considering the physical toll Dday had on me (lack of sleep and loss of 40lbs), it was a compelling argument to me. If others have compelling reasons, I'd like to hear them and request a respectful debate.

[aed]

When the spouse is terminal ill and having an affiare is mostly one of the worst possible times to have an affaire and will show someones true character.

 

They are selfish and can;t deal and support someone else.

 

 

About telling: I would want to know because then I wouldn't even want my WS on my funeral.

 

I can't imagine any possible scenario where it is allright not to tell.

 

I rather do alone then with people around me that don't respect and lie to me.

[Decorative]

I guess I think of Elizabeth Edwards, and I think that she was able to say what she needed to say about that mess, during her illness.

 

I think truth is always preferred. And although I agree that discovery is awful- the behavior surrounding the affair, gaslighting and that gut feeling- at least then you know.

 

But I am an in your face kinda girl. I don't want to be protected from anything. I tend to think I can kick the butt of whatever is thrown at me.

[waterwoman]

No-one told the BH of H's OW. Well that's to say H and I didn't - as they are now seperated maybe she told him. The reason we didn't tell was because H told me BH was violent and controlling and I didn't want him to hurt her. Also more selfishly, I didn't want him coming to our house and upsetting our children, as they only live a mile away.

 

Yes I guess he should have known. But at the time I was only concerned with me and mine.

[ComingInHot]

I keeping thinking of reasons why Not to tell then as soon as I do, I immediately think of why they are Not good enough reasons.

 

For example;

It was a ONS. But what about risk for STD?

 

The A ended peacefully/amicably. But what about the burden of te secret interfering w/honesty in the M?

 

It would hurt the BS too much (protecting spouse) . But then the BS is living w/a spuse who lies and unbeknownst to her is living a lie. (Not to mention WS is selfish w/that answer)

 

The BS is sick/not well. So what? She/he should be able to make end of life choices based on the reality of her life, not a lie. (Could be WS doesn't want to look bad during this time in front of family. Or there is a life insurance policy they are waiting on )

 

The A would end. Enough said.

 

BS would D & take half. Not good enough.

 

Public/social embarrassment. Probably as it should be...

 

Sorry Betrayed H, I can't think of anything that would warrant helping someone live a lie no matter how painful... maybe someone else can*

[BetrayedH]

How about some of the more typical answers we hear? Such as,

 

It's not my place to tell her; that's between her and her husband.

 

She doesn't want to know; she's buried her head in the sand.

 

It's better for me to carry the burden of guilt rather than making her suffer.

 

I don't really feel guilty; I would just be doing it out of revenge.

 

I think some OM/OW truly believe they have good reasons not to tell and while they don't need my permission, I do want to invite them to the discussion. And I hope that they aren't chased off by inflammatory opinions.

[BetrayedH]

Well BH, I agreed with you until CIH came in with her post......so confused:o

 

Personally, knowing what I know now, I think I would still want to know (particularly when you consider things like who is your healthcare surrogate, the executor of your will, a living will, life insurance, etc). I might want to lean more on my family during my last days and focus more on my children than on my wayward spouse. But it was a compelling argument and made me question if there are other exceptions to my black and white thinking on this issue.

[aed]

How about some of the more typical answers we hear? Such as,

 

It's not my place to tell her; that's between her and her husband.

 

She doesn't want to know; she's buried her head in the sand.

 

It's better for me to carry the burden of guilt rather than making her suffer.

 

I don't really feel guilty; I would just be doing it out of revenge.

 

I think some OM/OW truly believe they have good reasons not to tell and while they don't need my permission, I do want to invite them to the discussion. And I hope that they aren't chased off by inflammatory opinions.

 

I also I don't see any reason why an OM/OW should tell the BS,unless ofcourse the OM/OW knows the BS personal! Let's be real it is the WS that is crossing a line. Blaming the other OM/OW is just a way of the BS to stick his or her head in the sand. When the OM/OW knows the HB, then see is lying to that person.

 

Example: I meet a guite girl in an other city where I am for buisness, we hook up and I find out she has a bf. Then it is all on her, because she is the one that is willing to cheat. (I wouldn't hook up with her if I knew, but still...)

 

All reasons a WS has for not telling is only selfish when you look more deeply in the reasons for not telling.

[BetrayedH]

I keeping thinking of reasons why Not to tell then as soon as I do, I immediately think of why they are Not good enough reasons.

 

For example;

It was a ONS. But what about risk for STD?

 

The A ended peacefully/amicably. But what about the burden of te secret interfering w/honesty in the M?

 

It would hurt the BS too much (protecting spouse) . But then the BS is living w/a spuse who lies and unbeknownst to her is living a lie. (Not to mention WS is selfish w/that answer)

 

The BS is sick/not well. So what? She/he should be able to make end of life choices based on the reality of her life, not a lie. (Could be WS doesn't want to look bad during this time in front of family. Or there is a life insurance policy they are waiting on )

 

The A would end. Enough said.

 

BS would D & take half. Not good enough.

 

Public/social embarrassment. Probably as it should be...

 

Sorry Betrayed H, I can't think of anything that would warrant helping someone live a lie no matter how painful... maybe someone else can*

 

As some of you may recall, I've only once seen a BS say that they wish they didn't know about their spouse's affair. It was a woman whose husband had engaged in a short-term affair many years prior, decided it was a horrible mistake, had made solid efforts to rebuild his marriage for several years subsequent, but then had a crisis of conscience and confessed. The BS loved her husband, recognized the legitimate efforts he had made to invest in his marriage, and had no intentions of leaving him. But here she was plagued by mind movies that she couldn't shed. It made quite an impression on me as the one and only time that I've seen a BS say they wished they didn't know (and I have asked many times over for another BS to come forward and say they wished they didn't know; there have been no takers). I still would've recommended a confession in the early days after Dday but many years later when the marriage is in good shape? I think I would still want to break down that wall but considering her story, it gives me some pause.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I agree that someone who is quite ill, especially terminally. I would add some one who is pregnant or recently delivered.

 

I was talking to a male friend once about a woman who was barely an acquaintance if mine, but a friend of his. This woman's fiancé (a former roommate of my friends) was quite the womanizer and a serial cheat. My friend and I knew he was cheating with her married best friend as well as anyone else who would have him. The woman was a single mom and was selling her home to fix up his. We talked for sometime about how to tell her before she invested all she owned in a future with him. She was such a sweet and kind soul, the thought of devastating her killed us. Fast forward a few days, my friend called me to say that her child had been accidentally shot and killed. My friend and I were so shocked and relieved that we had not told her at that time.

 

Having experienced the pain and upheaval, I can't imagine being the one to break that to someone. And I've had years of experience giving bad news to strangers loved ones, exposing infidelity is much harder to me.

 

I do believe that everyone deserves the truth.

[beenburned]

I am going to answer solely on my personal feelings if I was the terminally ill spouse.

 

Being a baby boomer, me and my H, have already dealt with the death of one of each of our parents. They had everything in order, wills, medical POAs, and financial POAs. We are really glad they did because when you are in such grief it is very hard to think straight.

 

It suddenly brought home the reality of our fragile existence and how important it is to choose wisely about who is making these decisions for you.(both medically and financially)

 

This may seem harsh to some people but not to me.

 

There is no way in he** I would want an actively cheating spouse to inherit anything I had worked my whole life for! Or to be making critical medical decisions that effect my comfort/well being in my last days on earth.

 

I would take the truth anyday! Then I can divorce cheating spouse, and change my will and POAs to my grown children.

 

I shudder at the thought any spouse would be cold blooded enough to want to gain from their spouses death!

[Owl]

The only possible reason not to tell that I can imagine is if it TRULY, REALLY placed someone in physical danger.

 

If the BS has a documented history of violence and agression, for example.

[HappyAtLast]

This answer is solely based on my experiences.

 

As a former BS (and much younger man then) I am glad that I found out that my wife had had an affair and that I was able to make decisions based upon the truth, namely that as soon as children were out of the house that I would divorce.

 

As a former WS (met my affair partner shortly prior to my last child leaving the house), divorced and remarried. I chose to not inform my then wife because a) she was well aware that a divorce would be happening b) the divorce had nothing to do with my affair partner and c) it was none of her business at that point anyway.

 

Currently, as a happily married man of more than forty years, while I can say that I would be shocked that my beautiful wife had engaged in an affair, I, at this point, would prefer not to know. Many years of a happy marriage would certainly not be undone by a long ago affair, because of that, I have no reason to want to know. What would change? Why bother going through the process

 

Again, just my very humble opinion based upon my personal experiences.

[road]

There is no justification for an affair or lying.

 

The affair must be exposed.

[SmokeRat]

Agree with Road.

 

I would prefer, even if deathly ill, to know that my partner had forsaken our oaths and vows. At least, I could pass knowing the truth of things.

[nofool4u]

Are there any good reasons not to expose an affair to a BS?

 

Only one I can think of. Is if they think the BS will TRULY KILL their spouse,OM/OW. As in murder.

 

But I say that for the BS sake;)

[BetrayedH]

The only possible reason not to tell that I can imagine is if it TRULY, REALLY placed someone in physical danger.

 

If the BS has a documented history of violence and agression, for example.

 

Ah, yes, thank you for this. I agree that a realistic threat of violence (beyond a wayward's word that the betrayed spouse is abusive) is a legit concern. As you've implied, we've seen plenty of cases where the claim of an abusive/violent spouse was pure bull (usually a claim made by a wayward wife but I've seen claims by men as well that their wives are a threat).

[waterwoman]

Ah, yes, thank you for this. I agree that a realistic threat of violence (beyond a wayward's word that the betrayed spouse is abusive) is a legit concern. As you've implied, we've seen plenty of cases where the claim of an abusive/violent spouse was pure bull (usually a claim made by a wayward wife but I've seen claims by men as well that their wives are a threat).

 

 

Hmmm...yes. But how to verify. If I had told OW's H on the off chance that he wasn't violent, how could I live with myself if he'd then beaten her up, or hurt her (not his) children? He had a reputation for being a bit of a thug so I wasn't prepared to take a risk. Cowardly maybe.

[SmokeRat]

I think a version of UFC pitting BS's against OM/OW would be an excellent way to get the economy out of the pits.

 

I'd pay 100+$ to see a pit match.

 

Beyond that, I agree with NoFool, the only reason I caution against violence is because of the BS. I could honestly care less if a WS or OM/OW gets mauled.

[BetrayedH]

This answer is solely based on my experiences.

 

As a former BS (and much younger man then) I am glad that I found out that my wife had had an affair and that I was able to make decisions based upon the truth, namely that as soon as children were out of the house that I would divorce.

 

As a former WS (met my affair partner shortly prior to my last child leaving the house), divorced and remarried. I chose to not inform my then wife because a) she was well aware that a divorce would be happening b) the divorce had nothing to do with my affair partner and c) it was none of her business at that point anyway.

 

Currently, as a happily married man of more than forty years, while I can say that I would be shocked that my beautiful wife had engaged in an affair, I, at this point, would prefer not to know. Many years of a happy marriage would certainly not be undone by a long ago affair, because of that, I have no reason to want to know. What would change? Why bother going through the process

 

Again, just my very humble opinion based upon my personal experiences.

 

My gut response is to say that this is a somewhat common thought process when the affair is purely hypothetical. Similarly, prior to Dday most of us would say that we'd immediately kick a wayward spouse to the curb if we caught them cheating but the reality is that about 85% initially make an attempt to stay. it's different when the reality hits.

 

If your spouse was currently engaged in an affair or had just ended one, do you truly think you wouldn't want to know? The reason I ask is that your current view of your beautiful wife is obviously one that is not tainted with the reality of lies, deceit, and betrayal. And you get to keep that current view because the exercise is, again, hypothetical. In my experience, once you truly absorb that your spouse has been involved in this kind of thing, it's nearly impossible to shirk your desire to know the whole truth. In light of that, can you elaborate on what realistic circumstances would make you not want to know what your wife was capable of?

[nofool4u]

I think a version of UFC pitting BS's against OM/OW would be an excellent way to get the economy out of the pits.

 

I'd pay 100+$ to see a pit match.

 

Beyond that, I agree with NoFool, the only reason I caution against violence is because of the BS. I could honestly care less if a WS or OM/OW gets mauled.

 

How about Bully Beatdown with Mayhem Miller? And we know who the bully would be:cool:

[BetrayedH]

I won't tell because my loyalty is to him, not her.

 

His loyalty should have been to her, not me, but it wasn't. Therefore, it's up to him to tell her if it's to be revealed. So yes, I view it as his mess to clean up.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

I certainly get the concept that the MM is truly the one breaking his vows. He's pulling the trigger.

 

One analogy that seems to resonate for me though is the concept of a bank robbery. As the getaway driver, you may not have robbed the bank or shot any of the people inside but you were fully aware of what was happening and a willing and active participant. Please know that I am not likening you to a murderer. I don't want to get mired in the blame game since that's not on-topic, but I do see some participation/responsibility on the part of the OM/OW for what has happened to the BS just like I might with a getaway driver.

 

Since the MM is not going to confess on his own (at least there's no empirical reason to think he will since he hasn't), and you have both some responsibility for what's happened to her and the knowledge that might help her, is there no ethical motivation for you to help her?

[HappyAtLast]

Having been a Betrayed Spouse, I do understand the desire to know, and all of the very complex dynamics therein.

 

I am looking at this, now, from the rearview mirror, if you will. My wife and I in our late golden years, well past the ages at which most would be having affairs. For me to find out now, that an affair had taken place at some point would certainly devastate me, but really would not change things.

 

Your perspective on these things changes as you get older, or at least mine did. My beautiful wife was my affair partner, in that I began my relationship with her while still legally married to another. So, it could be argued that it is already tainted. That said, looking backwards on my life, infidelity was certainly not the worst thing that ever happened, nor would a long-ago infidelity on my wife's part change anything in my marriage.

 

That is why I am of this particular opinion.

Edited March 12, 2013 by HappyAtLast
missing word

[nofool4u]

Beyond that, I agree with NoFool, the only reason I caution against violence is because of the BS. I could honestly care less if a WS or OM/OW gets mauled.

 

Now I say that would probably be the only reason to not tell.

 

But that would just be an excuse by someone to cowardly not fess up because there is no way of knowing how a BS will react.

 

They still deserve to know.

[96nole]

If I'm on my death bed with days or even hours left to live, don't tell me. I wouldn't want to be laying there, pondering my life, and then be faced with the possibility of most of it being a lie. Besides, there's nothing I could do about it anyway.