Reasons NOT to tell

[BetrayedH]

Well, as an ex-OW / WS whose affair has ended and who is still with my long term partner, my reasons for not telling are...

 

- I don't want to hurt her

 

- She wouldn't leave me if I told her (that's not my concern), but she would blame herself, she already has somewhat low self esteem as it is (not because of me. I've always supported her and encouraged her and built her up) and this would knock her further down

 

- Her last relationship before me ended because her ex got bored with her (aka - didn't know what she wanted, fell out of love, was bored with her own self) and instead of ending it honestly and respectfully, she drifted away (after 5 years) and at the same time, blamed my partner for her feelings, saying she was boring, fat, useless, etc. Terrible. My partner has always been worried I'd get bored with her and leave also...and me telling her would seem like a similar repeat-scenario to her, and she'd blame herself and feel boring and useless and like it was HER fault all over again. And I wouldn't know how to possibly make her see it is NOT her fault.

 

- I don't know what I want in my life in terms of a relationship. If I told my partner about my affair and my general feelings of uncertainty, as I said above, she wouldn't leave me but she'd stay and be constantly scared because I DON'T know what I want. I don't know if I want to stay with her forever. I know I don't want to leave right NOW or any time SOON, but that's about it.

 

I know that if I told her about my feelings and the affair, she would mainly want to know whether I wanted to leave. And I would say no. But...then down the track once I DID work out what I really wanted, if I DID want to leave, all that time in between telling and leaving would be...hideous for her.

 

This is why I haven't told.

 

Always meant gently...My gut says you need to give yourself a deadline, Stevie. I doubt you want to waste any more of this young woman's life pretending that all is well while she dedicates her best years to you, thinking that the feelings are mutual. As cruel as you might feel it will be, releasing her might be the kindest thing you can do. Her life will go on without you but not while she is ignorant of the truth of her life.

[BetrayedH]

My younger brother confessed to me 17 years ago about an affair he had. At the time he and his wife of a fifteen year marriage were trying to have kids. He felt guilty and it was over for years when he told me.

 

My brother and his wife had 2 kids and he's never cheated but that once. They've been together 30 or more years now. I don't see any reason to tell her so many years after the affair, that was already over years before he told me.

 

Hmm. You know the one time I've seen a BS say they wished they didn't know was when the affair had been over many years prior and the wayward had fully recommitted to the marriage. They were "happy." I still feel like the BS deserves the truth (what kind of marriage is it with such a huge lie between them?) but your scenario does give me some pause.

[MEJ76]

Beyond our therapists and my exAP, no one knows of my infidelity. When I disclosed the affair to my husband, he insisted that we not share this information with friends or family.

 

The other BS does not know of the affair, and she deserves the truth. ExAP is a serial cheater, so she suspected and asked him about our texts. He lied up and down, then put the fear in me that, for my own safety, I should never talk to her if she calls. That she is a crazy stalker and not to believe her if she tells me that he told her everything. His exact words, "She is crazy and lies. This will never be a blip on her radar."

 

So, I want to contact her, but am concerned she will out the affair for several reasons.

 

1. She could get me fired as it was a workplace affair. We do not work in the same dept, and never had a boss/employee relationship, but we did communicate at work.

 

2. My husband and I are expecting our second child. I am six months pregnant and afraid of a physical attack based on exAPs warnings (but he is likely lying).

 

3. My husband would be crushed if this news went public. Bad enough to have a wayward wife betray him, he would hate others knowing, especially since we are reconciling. Does not further hurting him supercede the right of the exAP's wife to know the truth? Ugh, this is awful.

 

This is my thought process, please weigh in whatever your role or non-role in infidelity.

 

I need to choose a method of contact and confirm I can contact her that way. The only published phone number has been disconnected. Is a phone call the best way? E-mail? Before any such contact, I need to get my husband's approval and support, right? That feels like a must. Any constructive advice would be appreciated.

Edited March 26, 2013 by MEJ76

[BetrayedH]

Beyond our therapists and my exAP, no one knows of my infidelity. When I disclosed the affair to my husband, he insisted that we not share this information with friends or family.

 

The other BS does not know of the affair, and she deserves the truth. ExAP is a serial cheater, so she suspected and asked him about our texts. He lied up and down, then put the fear in me that, for my own safety, I should never talk to her if she calls. That she is a crazy stalker and not to believe her if she tells me that he told her everything. His exact words, "She is crazy and lies. This will never be a blip on her radar."

 

So, I want to contact her, but am concerned she will out the affair for several reasons.

 

1. She could get me fired as it was a workplace affair. We do not work in the same dept, and never had a boss/employee relationship, but we did communicate at work.

 

2. My husband and I are expecting our second child. I am six months pregnant and afraid of a physical attack based on exAPs warnings (but he is likely lying).

 

3. My husband would be crushed if this news went public. Bad enough to have a wayward wife betray him, he would hate others knowing, especially since we are reconciling. Does not further hurting him supercede the right of the exAP's wife to know the truth? Ugh, this is awful.

 

This is my thought process, please weigh in whatever your role or non-role in infidelity.

 

I need to choose a method of contact and confirm I can contact her that way. The only published phone number has been disconnected. Is a phone call the best way? E-mail? Before any such contact, I need to get my husband's approval and support, right? That feels like a must. Any constructive advice would be appreciated.

 

I'm glad you you've come to the conclusion that the BS deserves the truth. Great. This is one step towards healing for both of you. As for your three considerations:

 

(1). If there was no direct reporting relationship and no harrassment, it seems very unlikely to me that you'd be fired. My gut says that you should self-report to your HR department and ask for their assistance in keeping the drama out of the workplace.

 

(2). If you fear a physical confrontation, I'd recommend doing it via email. For what it's worth, you're probably right that he's lying about her demeanor. Wayward women paint their male BS as violent; wayward men paint their female BS as crazy. Some caution is always merited but usually ends up unfounded. I contacted the other BS by phone and during the conversation then felt comfortable meeting. That said, I'm a male so probably a bit less fearful of violence. Keep in mind that he has probably already painted you as a crazy, violent stalker with his wife so you're going to want to bring/provide proof.

 

(3). I completely understand your hesitation to go against your husband's wishes. As the wayward, I can't help feeling that restoring your marriage should be of paramount importance. It's unfortunate that he is taking shame upon himself for your affair. I can only suggest that you have a very open and honest conversation, perhaps more than one, about if/how exposing to the other BS should be done. For me, the other BS was the one person in the scenario with whom I could most relate. I couldn't go long without making it known to her. My gut says that if the request to tell her comes from you, he'll eventually concede and you can work together to minimize the exposure to friends/family which might be an embarrassment to your BH. It's also your job to take that shame upon yourself to whatever extent possible.

 

I give you a lot of credit for trying to right your wrongs here and I wish you the best with doing so & with your marriage going forward.

Edited March 26, 2013 by BetrayedH

[Lillyfree]

i've never had a d-day, i've never had any contact with the BS.

 

once i finished with the A, my H and i had a nice long conversation, i told him everything. as it was our relationship i wanted to work on.

 

while i felt guilty and sorry about the BS, i didn't think and still don't that it's any of my business to tell her. i know that he's still doing what he did all along, but if i were to reveal things to her i would have just come across as a crazy and revengeful.

 

as far as i was concerned, it was over and time to fully concentrate on my marriage. his life, including his gf, was none of my concern.

[Spark1111]

you know BH, the more I think about it and have re-read this thread....the more I have returned to square one.

 

Unless there is a threat of violent, physical harm, as in life-ending deadness, I cannot think of a single good reason NOT to tell.

 

If we begin to pick and choose the circumstances that would hurt someone to divulge to them, then I believe we are no better, no more honorable, than those who claimed to have protected us from their infidelity because they did not want to hurt us.

 

And I, for one, will have no part of that. it's cowardly, condescending and arrogant omnipotence.

 

So let me revise myself: Whether pregnant, dying of a terminal illness, or if it happened 20 years ago, I believe I still needed to be told for two reasons; so I could know the TRUTH of my life, make decisions about my future.....even if I have 6 hours to live...and so I could have true intimacy with my loved one.

 

True intimacy is only possible if there are NO SECRETS between two people. if one is harboring a secret...I will die without true intimacy and they may have lifelong guilt.

 

Don't protect me. Don't condescend to me. Don't deny me my own reality.

 

Don't treat me like the betray ears did, ever. I'm a big girl and I WILL handle it.

 

Don't EVER deign to handle it for me. That's how you have integrity. that's how you die with it.

[Lillyfree]

You thought it was your business to sleep with her husband, so why would telling her about it so she can protect herself be any different?

 

i've never slept with him, i ended it before it became physical. they're not married. but that's as an aside, it was still cheating and not right.

 

considering what was happening in my marriage after the A, i had to completely turn towards my marriage. contacting her would keep him in my life longer, i had to completely disconnect.

also, i've spoken to my husband about it - he didn't want us to have anything to do with him or her.

 

i stand by it not being my business to tell. i dealt with my marriage and did what i thought was right - it's his what he wants to do in his relationship and how he wants to handle it.

[BetrayedH]

i've never slept with him, i ended it before it became physical. they're not married. but that's as an aside, it was still cheating and not right.

 

considering what was happening in my marriage after the A, i had to completely turn towards my marriage. contacting her would keep him in my life longer, i had to completely disconnect.

also, i've spoken to my husband about it - he didn't want us to have anything to do with him or her.

 

i stand by it not being my business to tell. i dealt with my marriage and did what i thought was right - it's his what he wants to do in his relationship and how he wants to handle it.

 

So it was ok to be up in their business when you were doing wrong but it's not ok to be in their business when you have an opportunity to do right? This doesn't seem convenient for you? I have never understood the "not my business" argument. You have a chance to do right by someone (knowing that they will be hurt by your lack of intervention) but it's not your place? You've stuck a knife in her back but then claim it's not your place to take it out?

[BetrayedH]

you know BH, the more I think about it and have re-read this thread....the more I have returned to square one.

 

Unless there is a threat of violent, physical harm, as in life-ending deadness, I cannot think of a single good reason NOT to tell.

 

If we begin to pick and choose the circumstances that would hurt someone to divulge to them, then I believe we are no better, no more honorable, than those who claimed to have protected us from their infidelity because they did not want to hurt us.

 

And I, for one, will have no part of that. it's cowardly, condescending and arrogant omnipotence.

 

So let me revise myself: Whether pregnant, dying of a terminal illness, or if it happened 20 years ago, I believe I still needed to be told for two reasons; so I could know the TRUTH of my life, make decisions about my future.....even if I have 6 hours to live...and so I could have true intimacy with my loved one.

 

True intimacy is only possible if there are NO SECRETS between two people. if one is harboring a secret...I will die without true intimacy and they may have lifelong guilt.

 

Don't protect me. Don't condescend to me. Don't deny me my own reality.

 

Don't treat me like the betray ears did, ever. I'm a big girl and I WILL handle it.

 

Don't EVER deign to handle it for me. That's how you have integrity. that's how you die with it.

 

And this is why I started the thread. I have a hard time justifying even the extreme situations that might compel me to keep such a secret. Other than knowing that there is a demonstrable risk of physical harm to someone, I find all of the "reasons" to fall short. And even then, I would eventually find a way. It all gets back to the premise that you described above; the betrayed person deserves to be treated with respect by SOMEONE. They deserve for someone to tell them they they have been horribly betrayed so they can decide what to do. What they don't deserve is for others to continue to make choices for them as if they are some kind of a child that can't handle the truth. And these decisions are typically being made by people that have exercised the worst judgment about what's good for them. I, too, am becoming more and more convinced that pregnant, dying, or paraplegic - you deserve the respect of being told the truth.

[krazikat]

My gut response is to say that this is a somewhat common thought process when the affair is purely hypothetical. Similarly, prior to Dday most of us would say that we'd immediately kick a wayward spouse to the curb if we caught them cheating but the reality is that about 85% initially make an attempt to stay. it's different when the reality hits.

 

If your spouse was currently engaged in an affair or had just ended one, do you truly think you wouldn't want to know? The reason I ask is that your current view of your beautiful wife is obviously one that is not tainted with the reality of lies, deceit, and betrayal. And you get to keep that current view because the exercise is, again, hypothetical. In my experience, once you truly absorb that your spouse has been involved in this kind of thing, it's nearly impossible to shirk your desire to know the whole truth. In light of that, can you elaborate on what realistic circumstances would make you not want to know what your wife was capable of?

 

I would want to know. Before I knew and now I am glad I know even if I have moments where I hate the reality of knowing...

 

I was one who said if I found out my h cheated I would be done...then it became a reality...and here I am, keeping him. Trying to R. I honestly never thought I could forgive this, especially such a lta. But reality is i did things that contributed to my husband cheating...and I own that and am willing to give another chance. It is much different in reality.

[road]

i've never had a d-day, i've never had any contact with the BS.

 

once i finished with the A, my H and i had a nice long conversation, i told him everything. as it was our relationship i wanted to work on.

 

while i felt guilty and sorry about the BS, i didn't think and still don't that it's any of my business to tell her. i know that he's still doing what he did all along, but if i were to reveal things to her i would have just come across as a crazy and revengeful.

 

as far as i was concerned, it was over and time to fully concentrate on my marriage. his life, including his gf, was none of my concern.

 

 

Your BH needs to expose the OMW.

[Lillyfree]

So it was ok to be up in their business when you were doing wrong but it's not ok to be in their business when you have an opportunity to do right? This doesn't seem convenient for you? I have never understood the "not my business" argument. You have a chance to do right by someone (knowing that they will be hurt by your lack of intervention) but it's not your place? You've stuck a knife in her back but then claim it's not your place to take it out?

 

i've taken the knife out when i ended it. i've removed myself from her life. that's the counter-action to doing the wrong thing by 'being in their business'. her bf is the one that betrayed her, and it's his responsibility to tell her what's going on in THEIR relationship.

 

now, i do have the knowledge that i'm not the only one. whether she knows or not, i don't know. i've found that out myself, he hasn't volunteered it - and as far as i'm concerned she's got even more opportunities to find it out than i do, she's the one who lives with him! she has access to his friends and family - i was picking him up from his sister's house!

 

he's said to me a few times that she was 'suspicious and jealous'. so she *does* have an advantage over my husband, who had no idea until i confessed... it's all there, if she wanted to look.

 

also, i'm talking about my situation - i am not against telling the BS in all circumstances. if i'd slept with him and ended up with an STD, i'd be in contact with HIM as soon as my results came back, requesting that he tells her. again, he's the one that should be discussing THEIR relationship with her.

if she found out and wanted to talk to me, i would tell her everything truthfully - not just about me but about everything else i'm aware of.

as i said, i feel terrible guilt over my involvement with him. and i do hope more than anything else that she kicks his arse out and never looks back.

 

 

Your BH needs to expose the OMW.

 

my husband requested i have absolutely nothing to do with him. that includes saying anything to the BS.

 

all considering, i owe more to him than her. sorry, but that's just how it is.

[Spark1111]

i've taken the knife out when i ended it. i've removed myself from her life. that's the counter-action to doing the wrong thing by 'being in their business'. her bf is the one that betrayed her, and it's his responsibility to tell her what's going on in THEIR relationship.

 

now, i do have the knowledge that i'm not the only one. whether she knows or not, i don't know. i've found that out myself, he hasn't volunteered it - and as far as i'm concerned she's got even more opportunities to find it out than i do, she's the one who lives with him! she has access to his friends and family - i was picking him up from his sister's house!

 

he's said to me a few times that she was 'suspicious and jealous'. so she *does* have an advantage over my husband, who had no idea until i confessed... it's all there, if she wanted to look.

 

also, i'm talking about my situation - i am not against telling the BS in all circumstances. if i'd slept with him and ended up with an STD, i'd be in contact with HIM as soon as my results came back, requesting that he tells her. again, he's the one that should be discussing THEIR relationship with her.

if she found out and wanted to talk to me, i would tell her everything truthfully - not just about me but about everything else i'm aware of.

as i said, i feel terrible guilt over my involvement with him. and i do hope more than anything else that she kicks his arse out and never looks back.

 

 

 

 

my husband requested i have absolutely nothing to do with him. that includes saying anything to the BS.

 

all considering, i owe more to him than her. sorry, but that's just how it is.

 

I agree you owe your H more than anyone since he has extended the gift of reconciliation.

 

Would he tell her? because he really, really should. Just as your H NEVER suspected you would have an affair, I am fairly assured his GF is it? Never suspects he would do that to her.

 

Sorry, Lillyfree, but you know, deep in your heart, he will never have the courage to tell her...C'mon!

 

So you can run, duck and cover, or you and your H can tell her the truth so she can make an informed choice for her future.

 

You are blaming the victim for not knowing someone she trusts is deceiving her. Would your H, who loves and trust you have had any clue if you didn't.t confess?

 

I doubt it.

 

She gets victimized again. You and your H are really okay with that?

[Furious]

A couple weeks after I discovered the affair I began to think about the OW's husband and about whether I should tell him.

 

I knew if it was me I would want to know. It weighed heavily on my mind, I was worried about the repercussions, I was afraid of the worse scenario which would be if he became violent and would hurt his wife or even come after my husband.

 

I then thought about the risks my husband and the other woman took, and how at anytime they coud have been caught by her husband. I even asked my husband if that had ever crossed his mind, what if her husband had caught you two together and became violent. Unbelievably my husband said

that he had blocked that out of his mind and he couldn't believe that he was that stupid and arrogant.

 

I realized that the risks they took were worse than the risk I was taking by informing the OW's husband, that they chose to cheat and in doing so they chose the unpredictable repercussions that may occur.

 

I then asked the PI I had hired to check out if the OW's husband had a criminal record or history of violence. There were no such records and I then made the decision to inform him with all the evidence I had. Luckily he thanked me and was grateful for the truth, he also said that if he'd known first he would have also informed me.

 

I believe everyone deserves the truth and the right to their own reality.

[Spark1111]

So, I reiterate Lillyfree, fear is what got you into this mess. What are you two so afraid of?

 

Only courage and authenticity will get you out. Trust me on this.

[Lillyfree]

I agree you owe your H more than anyone since he has extended the gift of reconciliation.

 

Would he tell her? because he really, really should. Just as your H NEVER suspected you would have an affair, I am fairly assured his GF is it? Never suspects he would do that to her.

 

Sorry, Lillyfree, but you know, deep in your heart, he will never have the courage to tell her...C'mon!

 

So you can run, duck and cover, or you and your H can tell her the truth so she can make an informed choice for her future.

 

You are blaming the victim for not knowing someone she trusts is deceiving her. Would your H, who loves and trust you have had any clue if you didn't.t confess?

 

I doubt it.

 

She gets victimized again. You and your H are really okay with that?

 

i am not ok with it. however... my husband's way of dealing with everything is not to talk about it anymore. it's been more than 4 months NC and things are better between us. we're working on other issues in our marriage. bringing this up now will take us back and hurt him again. i cannot do that.

 

i'm definitely NOT blaming her - i'm hoping that because she was suspicious she starts looking and finds out what a POS he is. i know from what i've said it might look like i'm dismissing her as not wanting to find out. far from that. i really really hope she acts on her suspicions...

 

and it infuriates me that a person who is as guilty as i am gets to be treated like an innocent in all this mess. WHY should it be MY responsibility to right his wrongs as well as mine?

Edited March 28, 2013 by Lillyfree

[Lillyfree]

So, I reiterate Lillyfree, fear is what got you into this mess. What are you two so afraid of?

 

Only courage and authenticity will get you out. Trust me on this.

 

the only thing i fear is that i might undo all the progress my H and i achieved in the last 4 months.

 

i don't fear anything or anyone else. OM is violent, and has a temper. i would be willing to stand up to him myself - physically and verbally. actually, would LOVE to have that opportunity!

 

telling my husband what i've been doing behind his back for months was the hardest thing i ever had to do. telling the BS isn't a problem for me, i'm not 'ducking and covering'. i own everything i've done.

 

it's matter of principal too. if anyone was to tell her, it should be him.

[Older 'n' wiser]

Well, as an ex-OW / WS whose affair has ended and who is still with my long term partner, my reasons for not telling are...

 

- I don't want to hurt her

 

- She wouldn't leave me if I told her (that's not my concern), but she would blame herself, she already has somewhat low self esteem as it is (not because of me. I've always supported her and encouraged her and built her up) and this would knock her further down

 

- Her last relationship before me ended because her ex got bored with her (aka - didn't know what she wanted, fell out of love, was bored with her own self) and instead of ending it honestly and respectfully, she drifted away (after 5 years) and at the same time, blamed my partner for her feelings, saying she was boring, fat, useless, etc. Terrible. My partner has always been worried I'd get bored with her and leave also...and me telling her would seem like a similar repeat-scenario to her, and she'd blame herself and feel boring and useless and like it was HER fault all over again. And I wouldn't know how to possibly make her see it is NOT her fault.

 

- I don't know what I want in my life in terms of a relationship. If I told my partner about my affair and my general feelings of uncertainty, as I said above, she wouldn't leave me but she'd stay and be constantly scared because I DON'T know what I want. I don't know if I want to stay with her forever. I know I don't want to leave right NOW or any time SOON, but that's about it.

 

I know that if I told her about my feelings and the affair, she would mainly want to know whether I wanted to leave. And I would say no. But...then down the track once I DID work out what I really wanted, if I DID want to leave, all that time in between telling and leaving would be...hideous for her.

 

This is why I haven't told.

 

I'm a little confused who's cheated on whom here and who it is you're avoiding telling. I think these were reasons why you haven't told your partner that you cheated on her, right? In any case, dynamics are the same.

 

Many of these reasons are based on the problem of her low self-esteem, which you say would be crippled by your disclosure. My first question is: Wasn't the betrayal itself an assault on her self-esteem? And your doubts about the relationship, whether you want it long-term or whatever, isn't it possible that she already senses this uncertainty and that is what's exacerbating her low self-esteem?

 

Furthermore, is it fair that you have all the control? You get to make all the choices because you have all the knowledge. You are deciding what's best for her while the relationship teeters on your ambivalence and her "lack of self-esteem," which may be low because, in fact, she senses your lack of commitment.

 

But can you assume to have possession of the affair knowledge indefinitely? You're assuming she'll never find out. Don't count on it. I found out so many years later in the course of dealing with a more recent A. This is truly insult heaped upon injury. By not telling me about the earlier affairs at the time, my right to react and choose a different life path was usurped. (And don't say 'it's never too late' because sometimes it is.) He has had all the choices this whole time. I don't think telling me was ever a consideration for him. I do not know yet if this is forgivable - not the actual affairs, mind you, but - THE FACT OF NOT TELLING ME then. We have barely scratched the surface of betrayal when you get to the added abuse of deception.

 

She has the right to choose not to be with you or to be devastated, outraged or deeply wounded. She has the right to leave or get therapy. By denying her that right, this layer of deception is a much deeper injury than the actual betrayal. You aren't responsible for her self-esteem anyway; she is. You may both be dissatisfied in the relationship because of this unspoken dynamic. It is already doing its damage whether or not you think you're saving her from it by not telling her.

 

So bottom line for me is: The damage to her worth and value was done when the deed was done. Your not telling her is a separate, secondary injury; the act of betrayal was the first blow, already dealt. Taking control of the relationship and her choices is a THIRD. As far as you are concerned, you think you are taking the easier, safer, kinder route for her sake. But by rationalizing, you are corroding your own character, honor and - in the same sense of the word as you have used it - self-esteem. Whether she recognizes it now or not, she will be given the right to understand it as the one act in all of this that honors her. The truth is harder, riskier, and excruciatingly painful (for everyone) and creates a whole world unto itself.

 

My question would be - Why is there even a choice about whether to tell the BS? - but then it's answered itself. This question is probably always rhetorical to the BS. (Another question I sometimes ponder: Are BS and WS worlds mutually exclusive for this reason?)

 

For me Stage 1 is the telling. My husband did not save himself in Stage 1 - that is, unless you consider that Trickle Truth is technically telling - over time, perhaps, but at least we're getting there. Ugh. No. Trickle Truth - ekking out the truth over time as you correct previous lies and omissions - is a deviation of Stage 1. In fact, the only reason I give my H the benefit of the doubt is that he gets this fundamental fact: He says freely and simply that his judgment and thinking were flawed leading to rationalizations for his self-serving behavior. He conveys - sometimes better than others - that he is deeply sorry and suffers for the pain he caused me. But what he does not do - and what could yet be our undoing - is he does not allow me to revisit and discuss and talk about the details of what he did and why. He wants us to jump to the conclusion and summary and go on from there. He can't make me do that; it doesn't work that way. So thought I'd mention this because Stage 1 of disclosure - telling what you did - is actually the first and most important step.

 

Stage 2 takes a lot more commitment, compassion and character. If my H and I don't make it, I'm sure we have lots of company - people who gave up in Stage 2. But what I think is that - if you lose the fight in Stage 2 and you lose the relationship (though - to be accurate - it's really that you're just not able to save it; it was already lost), at least you did Stage 1 - which means you haven't lost yourself.

Edited March 28, 2013 by Older 'n' wiser

[Older 'n' wiser]

the only thing i fear is that i might undo all the progress my H and i achieved in the last 4 months.

 

i don't fear anything or anyone else. OM is violent, and has a temper. i would be willing to stand up to him myself - physically and verbally. actually, would LOVE to have that opportunity!

 

telling my husband what i've been doing behind his back for months was the hardest thing i ever had to do. telling the BS isn't a problem for me, i'm not 'ducking and covering'. i own everything i've done.

 

it's matter of principal too. if anyone was to tell her, it should be him.

 

I agree and that's the main reason I keep hedging about telling my brother: It really should be his wife - for both their sakes. I keep wanting that to happen for both of them, so she can live with herself after he dies and he can die working on his marriage. Is this just more BS BS - delusional belief that people really want - need - to know they did the right thing above all? Hmmm. Definitely delusional.

[road]

also, i'm talking about my situation - i am not against telling the BS in all circumstances. if i'd slept with him and ended up with an STD, i'd be in contact with HIM as soon as my results came back, requesting that he tells her. again, he's the one that should be discussing THEIR relationship with her.

 

 

 

 

my husband requested i have absolutely nothing to do with him. that includes saying anything to the BS.

 

all considering, i owe more to him than her. sorry, but that's just how it is.

 

 

No it just is not how it is.

 

NC for you is without any exception.

 

Your BH is right to insist you have NC with the OM.

 

Your BH is the one that has to expose the affair to the OMW because the way your BH deserved the truth so does the OMW. More so because this was not the first affair for the OM. Her abuse needs to end now.

 

As to well if I had gotten a STD I would have to tell................tell baloney.

 

Your job is NC. Your BH picks up the phone and tells OMW about the STD. Then BH sends a email to the OM telling him why he needs to see his doc.

 

You came down with a STD, your BH tells the OMW.

[road]

the only thing i fear is that i might undo all the progress my H and i achieved in the last 4 months.

 

i don't fear anything or anyone else. OM is violent, and has a temper. i would be willing to stand up to him myself - physically and verbally. actually, would LOVE to have that opportunity!

 

telling my husband what i've been doing behind his back for months was the hardest thing i ever had to do. telling the BS isn't a problem for me, i'm not 'ducking and covering'. i own everything i've done.

 

it's matter of principal too. if anyone was to tell her, it should be him.

 

 

OM run for the hills when exposed they do not come looking for the BH.

 

If they wanted to confront the BH they would start the affair by knocking on the BH's front door and say hello my name is OM I'm am going to date your WW and bang her brains out.

 

Telling is not a problem for you yet you come here giving false justifications for lying by ommission to the OMW and seeking approval for you to continue to lie by ommision to the OMW.

[Lillyfree]

OM run for the hills when exposed they do not come looking for the BH.

 

If they wanted to confront the BH they would start the affair by knocking on the BH's front door and say hello my name is OM I'm am going to date your WW and bang her brains out.

 

Telling is not a problem for you yet you come here giving false justifications for lying by ommission to the OMW and seeking approval for you to continue to lie by ommision to the OMW.

I'm not asking for anyone's approval. I was offering another point of view and another situation. Things are rarely black and white...

[Eclypse]

I won't tell because my loyalty is to him, not her.

 

His loyalty should have been to her, not me, but it wasn't. Therefore, it's up to him to tell her if it's to be revealed. So yes, I view it as his mess to clean up.

 

That's a nice way to shift responsibility. It takes two to tango. I wonder how you would feel if you were the BS?

 

Frankly there is no good reason not to tell the BS. None at all. But the cheater and AP are both like peas in a pod. And both are rotten to the core. So it doesn't surprise me that they play their game and completely humiliate the BS and leave them in the dark that their relationship is false.

[SoleMate]

Back to the original question:

 

I understand many BS desperately wish they had been told sooner. It is indeed tragic to live a lie forced upon you by a cheating partner, and to think that someone could have given you the info to prevent it.

 

OTOH, it seems there is always high risk, when someone contemplates revealing very private and potentially explosive info to a stranger (when such is the case). The AP, or possible 4th party revealers, can't know the full circumstances, and hence can only poorly predict reactions and consequences....for the AP, BS, MP, children, and all the others potentially affected. Is there any analogue anywhere else in life, where there is the choice of making this type of announcement?

 

Usually only the AP truly has FACTS about the A....4th party revealers may have data permitting a strong inference. This has to be taken into account.

Should someone reveal with just a bald statement, "Your spouse is cheating on you"? (To me that would be close to useless info, without supporting facts that can be checked and confirmed or disproved.) Does the revealer have the duty to provide all facts he/she has on the matter? Is there a duty to reveal only when there is clear and convincing evidence? Does the revealer have to "make the case" or just provide an anonymous tipoff?

 

What is the duty of the BS to the revealer? Does the revealer have any protection?

[Lillyfree]

Ohhh yes... when there is an affair things are white and black... the same way they are right or wrong...

 

...

 

K, I'll bite. Whatever your post meant, especially the above sentence.

 

If you actually read my posts you would see that it's my husband who doesn't want ANY contact.

 

So before lighting the torch and sharpening the pitchfork, let's take a deep breath and actually read the posts we are replying to.