Reasons NOT to tell

[Lillyfree]

I did read all the post before answering you... and I still think you should talk your husband into informing the OMW... she deserves the truth as much as your husband did.

 

No torch from my side here... you made a choice in your life and you need to live with it and with its consequences... That is punishment enough!

 

yes. I've had consequences and punishment. Still do.

 

'talk my husband into' informing the BS? Why should he be pressured into doing anything he doesn't want to? Would any BS posting here be pushed to do something against her will?

 

I've read about the bias in this part of the forum, but didn't think it would extend to another BS because their WS was the one posting.

[BetrayedH]

Back to the original question:

 

I understand many BS desperately wish they had been told sooner. It is indeed tragic to live a lie forced upon you by a cheating partner, and to think that someone could have given you the info to prevent it.

 

OTOH, it seems there is always high risk, when someone contemplates revealing very private and potentially explosive info to a stranger (when such is the case). The AP, or possible 4th party revealers, can't know the full circumstances, and hence can only poorly predict reactions and consequences....for the AP, BS, MP, children, and all the others potentially affected. Is there any analogue anywhere else in life, where there is the choice of making this type of announcement?

 

Usually only the AP truly has FACTS about the A....4th party revealers may have data permitting a strong inference. This has to be taken into account.

Should someone reveal with just a bald statement, "Your spouse is cheating on you"? (To me that would be close to useless info, without supporting facts that can be checked and confirmed or disproved.) Does the revealer have the duty to provide all facts he/she has on the matter? Is there a duty to reveal only when there is clear and convincing evidence? Does the revealer have to "make the case" or just provide an anonymous tipoff?

 

What is the duty of the BS to the revealer? Does the revealer have any protection?

 

I don't know that I would say anyone owes anyone anything. To be fair, your term was "duty" which seems to carry a similar meaning. Perhaps the semantics aren't critical but I think of it more as an ethical choice that's before them.

 

Ethically, I think it's the right thing to provide the BS with what information that you have when someone is being wronged. I don't owe it to a child to pull them out from in front of a moving car. As some might say, I don't know them; it's not specifically my responsibility. But when faced with the ethical choice of saving them or walking in the other direction, the choice seems clear to me. When it comes to a BS, I don't see any reason not to share what information you have and they can make a "more" informed choice than if I did nothing.

 

To answer you other question, I similarly don't feel that the BS would owe anything to the revealer. But personally, I would actively appreciate if someone made an effort on my behalf that they didn't owe to me. I would respond in-kind. In my case, the other man's wife called me a few days later to express her gratitude. For us, that was pretty much the end of the interaction. It was pretty basic, actually. I exercised some basic human decency and she said thank you.

[BetrayedH]

As the thread starter, I did ask for this to be a respectful discussion and debate. Please keep the personal stuff out of it.

[Lillyfree]

That is maybe because I am not a BS, nor a OM nor a WS...

I am very sympathetic with BS because I can imagine how I would feel in their situation... I am not that sympathetic with WS or OM/OW because I know I will never be in their situation!

 

I think your husband had his share of pain and shame... but I also think that he should have compassion enough to understand he was not the only one damaged from the affair...

 

As you can see I am not biased by anything that has happened to me... and giving you a full outsider overview on the topic!

 

Ah. So you're criticising someone without knowing what it's like to actually be in their shoes.

 

Thanks for your advice anyway.

[Decorative]

Ah. So you're criticising someone without knowing what it's like to actually be in their shoes.

 

Thanks for your advice anyway.

 

Well, I am in betrayed shoes, and as much as I love shoes, they aren't as cute as I like.

 

And I agree with animal lover. It's human kindness. And that's never wrong.

[rtp4ps]

I am dealing with this issue right now. I don't want to tell about an A that ended a year ago. My reasons are that I know he will be traumatized and crushed and his feelings and actions set the tone for this whole house. I will be punished for an undetermined amount of time, on a daily basis and as a result my children will also suffer. I don't think he'll leave because without me his whole life would fall apart, children, business, home, everything, takes the both of us to keep. I grew up in a house of people who didn't always tell the truth and did what they wanted. I grew up thinking this was ok. I'm working on this. But these are reasons I am currently not telling. Maybe I will but it's been so long now, it's going to be even worse I'm sure. My H knows the background I come from, that I had/have issues with honesty and fidelity and believes I am working on it, which I am. This is where I'm at with the telling. It seems like a really, really bad idea. Sidenote, H has a history of anger and abusive behavior with me. You can guess how this might also affect my thinking. It's nice to speak honestly for a change. I'm going to do it more often. A new beginning of honesty for me.

[2sunny]

I am dealing with this issue right now. I don't want to tell about an A that ended a year ago. My reasons are that I know he will be traumatized and crushed and his feelings and actions set the tone for this whole house. I will be punished for an undetermined amount of time, on a daily basis and as a result my children will also suffer. I don't think he'll leave because without me his whole life would fall apart, children, business, home, everything, takes the both of us to keep. I grew up in a house of people who didn't always tell the truth and did what they wanted. I grew up thinking this was ok. I'm working on this. But these are reasons I am currently not telling. Maybe I will but it's been so long now, it's going to be even worse I'm sure. My H knows the background I come from, that I had/have issues with honesty and fidelity and believes I am working on it, which I am. This is where I'm at with the telling. It seems like a really, really bad idea. Sidenote, H has a history of anger and abusive behavior with me. You can guess how this might also affect my thinking. It's nice to speak honestly for a change. I'm going to do it more often. A new beginning of honesty for me.

 

You are still lying to mainly protect yourself. At least be honest.

[Improudofme]

There is absolutely no reason ever - ever not to tell- other than to make the Ws's and AP's life easier. You do not have the right to decide when or how someone else can be betrayed and sit back and go - oh that's OK I am allowed not to tell because of..... fill in the blanks- ------------

It is not ok ever-

[krazikat]

No tell her even if she crazy. She need to go ham on that a**.

 

the only thing that would stop me is that I don't want her to direct her anger at me.

 

Don't be mad at me, I'm just the messenger.

 

But it can be like that sometimes.

 

Anonymous email? Gmail is great, email from "check your cheating spouse"

 

Okay, halfway joking. Seriously, had I got an anonymous email with some details, my investigatimg asstrick would have been all over it.

 

Seriously, if I was in the hospital, if pregnant, if dying...I would want to know. at least then I could make sure the cheating basdrat didnt get my life insurance!!!!

 

There are some people who may not handle that stuff well, so maybe in some cases there is a pass...but for real? Yes, regardless of my condition, I would want to know.

[2sunny]

I'm not asking for anyone's approval. I was offering another point of view and another situation. Things are rarely black and white...

 

It's so interesting - the only ones that say "it's not black and white" are the ones who cheat.

 

What? Do you all look for the grey area to justify your bad behavior?

[Older 'n' wiser]

So here's my question of the thread question:

What about time periods? Any exemptions there?

 

What if the couple has survived 5 years, 10, 20, 30, 40 years together since the affair? What's the reason to tell? Is there any period of time that would negate the reason to tell?

 

I would like to hear initial thoughts on it before sharing my own.

Edited March 30, 2013 by Older 'n' wiser
typo

[Darth Vader]

You can't speak of honesty while you tell us how you are not going to tell your husband... it is a paradox...

 

 

As well as Hypocrisy!

[CantgetoveritNY]

As a BS I see no reason not to tell. Agree with all the reasons to tell. My own repeated reason, The only thing needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

 

That said, I do understand why a cheater, even a fully repentant cheater, would not tell. I think it's asking a lot to expect someone to turn themselves in like that. I know it happens and know that is way better for the R than discovery by the BS. But even I as a BS can see that it would take a very special kind of person to be able to confess that kind of thing to the BS.

[OhGeesh]

Simple answer for me and YES I KNOW I'M IN THE MINORITY!! I don't want to know:D don't assume that because you would want to know the NANOSECOND he/she even blinks twice at the OW/OM means that everyone would want the same!

 

I have no urge to know and it's none of your business anyway! Do I have experience in life with this YES MUCH!

 

There are many things I've been told over the years by FRIENDS/LOVED ONES who thought I WOULD WANT to know and guess what? MY viewpoint is forever changed about those people it totally fractured relationships to the point that I'm not close to some of these people... LOVED ONES included!

 

Is ignorance bliss? Hell yes it is!! I'm a realist and most of the time knowing about a affair, serious traumatic event, terminal illness, rape, molestation, squandering of savings, hard drug use, or other major indescretion causes far more pain irefutable and unfixable scarring then not knowing ever would!

 

 

Some of us like their head in the sand!! Don't screw up my utopia because YOU think you are doing me a favor!!

 

So for me SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

 

 

**People use logic like "Oh well the marriage was a farce anyway?" Not to me it wasn't not until you told me. How do you know the affair wouldn't have ended on it's own? How do you know I never would have found out and just lived happy as hell for 30 years? In that scenario it is YOUR fault! My pain was caused directly by you opening your mouth.....now you can justify it all you want and say "Well, I did the right thing?" says who? If I would have never known my pain would be ZERO that is a fact! Obviously you can throw all kind of what ifs in there like stds, he/she actually leaves then what, spending money etc etc use whatever example you want. The fact of the matter is when the choice is tell or not tell for me it's ALWAYS not tell because you do not know what will happen. You do not have a crystal ball!!

 

I could give reason for days our society has become way too concerned about OTHERS focus on you and your life leave mine alone. Would you want friends telling your kids about escapades in college? Or past skeletons? "Hey, Johnny you are 18 know and in case dad didn't tell you he used hit the strip clubs everynight and do cocaine?" or "Jill, did you know your mom use to strip for money when she was 20?" Extreme example I know, but the point is it's none of your business!! As much as you say it's your job and duty to say.......just extrapolate that to other secrets people hold when does it stop?

 

Minority I know

Edited April 6, 2013 by OhGeesh
Added a example!

[BetrayedH]

Simple answer for me and YES I KNOW I'M IN THE MINORITY!! I don't want to know:D don't assume that because you would want to know the NANOSECOND he/she even blinks twice at the OW/OM means that everyone would want the same!

 

I have no urge to know and it's none of your business anyway! Do I have experience in life with this YES MUCH!

 

There are many things I've been told over the years by FRIENDS/LOVED ONES who thought I WOULD WANT to know and guess what? MY viewpoint is forever changed about those people it totally fractured relationships to the point that I'm not close to some of these people... LOVED ONES included!

 

Is ignorance bliss? Hell yes it is!! I'm a realist and most of the time knowing about a affair, serious traumatic event, terminal illness, rape, molestation, squandering of savings, hard drug use, or other major indescretion causes far more pain irefutable and unfixable scarring then not knowing ever would!

 

 

Some of us like their head in the sand!! Don't screw up my utopia because YOU think you are doing me a favor!!

 

So for me SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

 

 

**People use logic like "Oh well the marriage was a farce anyway?" Not to me it wasn't not until you told me. How do you know the affair wouldn't have ended on it's own? How do you know I never would have found out and just lived happy as hell for 30 years? In that scenario it is YOUR fault! My pain was caused directly by you opening your mouth.....now you can justify it all you want and say "Well, I did the right thing?" says who? If I would have never known my pain would be ZERO that is a fact! Obviously you can throw all kind of what ifs in there like stds, he/she actually leaves then what, spending money etc etc use whatever example you want. The fact of the matter is when the choice is tell or not tell for me it's ALWAYS not tell because you do not know what will happen. You do not have a crystal ball!!

 

I could give reason for days our society has become way too concerned about OTHERS focus on you and your life leave mine alone. Would you want friends telling your kids about escapades in college? Or past skeletons? "Hey, Johnny you are 18 know and in case dad didn't tell you he used hit the strip clubs everynight and do cocaine?" or "Jill, did you know your mom use to strip for money when she was 20?" Extreme example I know, but the point is it's none of your business!! As much as you say it's your job and duty to say.......just extrapolate that to other secrets people hold when does it stop?

 

Minority I know

 

I'm curious. Besides these other examples that you have cited, have you been a betrayed spouse and found out about the affair, only to wish you didn't know? You have a limited posting history even though you've been here since 2010. I'm curious if you have specifically been a BS that prefers to stay in the dark or if you're making a more general statement.

 

If you have been a BS and would rather you didn't know, you are indeed correct that you're in the minority. In two years of reading daily, I've only seen one other person make the claim and I've openly asked the question numerous times.

Edited April 6, 2013 by BetrayedH

[BetrayedH]

OhGeesh posted I'm a realist, but yet didn't want to know about the realities of their own life if they were unpleasant. Anyone else scratching their head on that one???

 

It reminds me of the character, Cipher, in The Matrix. He knew it was a dreamworld, but wanted to enjoy the taste of his non-existent steak anyway.

 

I'd rather be unplugged.

[BetrayedH]

After reviewing your posting history, nevermind OhGeesh. What's clear is that you wouldn't want your wife to know about how much you pine away for your old girlfriend. Considering your history as a cheater, it's no surprise you hope for people to stick their head in the sand. I suspect your post is disingenuous, consciously so or not.

[Decorative]

OhGeesh posted I'm a realist, but yet didn't want to know about the realities of their own life if they were unpleasant. Anyone else scratching their head on that one???

 

Yoda says, " Sense not this makes".

[BetrayedH]

It's gossip. The same girl who told someone I barely know that I relocated to be near so and so is also probably the same girl who told the girl that her guy has a new "very good friend" in me. I don't know, but it is highly possible. It's gossip.

 

Hmm. Seems to me that telling someone that their spouse is cheating is hardly gossip. It would be gossip if they didn't tell the spouse but told someone else.

[OhGeesh]

After reviewing your posting history, nevermind OhGeesh. What's clear is that you wouldn't want your wife to know about how much you pine away for your old girlfriend. Considering your history as a cheater, it's no surprise you hope for people to stick their head in the sand. I suspect your post is disingenuous, consciously so or not.

 

Oh yeah that changes everything lol. Wow, let's see married 15 years and I think about a EX on the ole Facebook off and on for 3 months and I'm a big ole cheater!! Well, if that's the case 99% of people out there are cheaters I just posted about it! Also, quickly came to my senses.

 

Look at the post date that was 3 years ago! It's ok you obviously can only see one pov due to your own life struggles!

 

Again most of the time a person's happiness would be intact for much longer by not knowing not just cheating this goesfor almost ANY traumatic life event!!

 

So, when does it stop? When do you stop worrying about others where is the line in the sand? Who says what is okay to say and what is not okay to say?

 

Is it just adultery you feel that must be divulged? Or are there other things? I've stated my stance and it will never change we live a life of perceived reality and that perception is much better than the raw truth most of the time. You may not like that opinion, but show me in life where the opposite is true? It's a principle vs reality argument!

 

Unlike you I can easily see why people would want to know they want to feel like they had a choice a informed decision. I get that why can't you see my stance? It's not black and white not much in life is!!

Edited April 7, 2013 by OhGeesh

[BetrayedH]

Oh yeah that changes everything lol. Wow, let's see married 15 years and I think about a EX on the ole Facebook off and on for 3 months and I'm a big ole cheater!! Well, if that's the case 99% of people out there are cheaters I just posted about it! Also, quickly came to my senses.

 

Look at the post date that was 3 years ago! It's ok you obviously can only see one pov due to your own life struggles!

 

Again most of the time a person's happiness would be intact for much longer by not knowing not just cheating this goesfor almost ANY traumatic life event!!

 

So, when does it stop? When do you stop worrying about others where is the line in the sand? Who says what is okay to say and what is not okay to say?

 

Is it just adultery you feel that must be divulged? Or are there other things? I've stated my stance and it will never change we live a life of perceived reality and that perception is much better than the raw truth most of the time. You may not like that opinion, but show me in life where the opposite is true? It's a principle vs reality argument!

 

Unlike you I can easily see why people would want to know they want to feel like they had a choice a informed decision. I get that why can't you see my stance? It's not black and white not much in life is!!

 

People without moral fortitude often make the argument that life is not black or white or that their mistakes are "human." I suppose that helps make perpetrators sleep better at night.

 

As for your posts three years ago, I was actually thinking of your cheating many years prior; it's unfortunate to me that you didn't sufficiently learn from that experience.

 

As for what honesty is worth sharing, I rarely see a good reason to make exceptions about sharing a truth. It's a philosophy that's done a lot for me in my lifetime. I don't much value fake happiness, as if that's the paramount concern in life. Not everything is about my happiness.

[OhGeesh]

People without moral fortitude often make the argument that life is not black or white or that their mistakes are "human." I suppose that helps make perpetrators sleep better at night.

 

As for your posts three years ago, I was actually thinking of your cheating many years prior; it's unfortunate to me that you didn't sufficiently learn from that experience.

 

As for what honesty is worth sharing, I rarely see a good reason to make exceptions about sharing a truth. It's a philosophy that's done a lot for me in my lifetime. I don't much value fake happiness, as if that's the paramount concern in life. Not everything is about my happiness.

 

We will just agree to disagree then not only about what cheating is, but when someone should speak up or not!

 

There is no such thing as fake happiness for the uninformed. Fake happiness would be putting on a smile when there is torment and pain inside. Which is exactly what you cause the minute you speak up ASSUMING you are doing what is right when the "right" is defined by YOUR set of morals and rules. Given your narrow mindedness to opposing thoughts it's probably really hard for you to see thinking about the subject any other way. Are you this close minded on all subjects or just infidelity? Are you ultra religious or something?

 

Lying and not knowing are two totally different things. You sound just like a relative of mine ultra opinionated, my way or the highway, always having to add your .02, rigid, unbending, with the stance of black or white on every topic are you sure you are not a 33yr old female engineer I know?

 

I can tell your rigid views on the topic have treated you well considering the amount of time you spend here and other forums as well the proof that is your life's "pudding", so to speak. How many 100's of hours of your life have you spent on forums instead of actually living keyboard warrior?

 

Probably read MMSL, NMMNG, and believe in the 180 too all a bunch of crap except for the most extreme cases.......so let's choose a happily married me or your situation? I think I'm winning by a mile!!

 

Hope you LEARN to be more open and not such a judgemental tyrant that would probably serve you well!!

Edited April 7, 2013 by OhGeesh

[BetrayedH]

We will just agree to disagree then not only about what cheating is, but when someone should speak up or not!

 

There is no such thing as fake happiness for the uninformed. Fake happiness would be putting on a smile when there is torment and pain inside. Which is exactly what you cause the minute you speak up ASSUMING you are doing what is right when the "right" is defined by YOUR set of morals and rules. Given your narrow mindedness to opposing thoughts it's probably really hard for you to see thinking about the subject any other way. Are you this close minded on all subjects or just infidelity? Are you ultra religious or something?

 

Lying and not knowing are two totally different things. You sound just like a relative of mine ultra opinionated, my way or the highway, always having to add your .02, rigid, unbending, with the stance of black or white on every topic are you sure you are not a 33yr old female engineer I know?

 

I can tell your rigid views on the topic have treated you well considering the amount of time you spend here and other forums as well the proof that is your life's "pudding", so to speak. How many 100's of hours of your life have you spent on forums instead of actually living keyboard warrior?

 

Probably read MMSL, NMMNG, and believe in the 180 too all a bunch of crap except for the most extreme cases.......so let's choose a happily married me or your situation? I think I'm winning by a mile!!

 

Hope you LEARN to be more open and not such a judgemental tyrant that would probably serve you well!!

 

I agree with you on agreeing to disagree.

[Spark1111]

We will just agree to disagree then not only about what cheating is, but when someone should speak up or not!

 

There is no such thing as fake happiness for the uninformed. Fake happiness would be putting on a smile when there is torment and pain inside. Which is exactly what you cause the minute you speak up ASSUMING you are doing what is right when the "right" is defined by YOUR set of morals and rules. Given your narrow mindedness to opposing thoughts it's probably really hard for you to see thinking about the subject any other way. Are you this close minded on all subjects or just infidelity? Are you ultra religious or something?

 

Lying and not knowing are two totally different things. You sound just like a relative of mine ultra opinionated, my way or the highway, always having to add your .02, rigid, unbending, with the stance of black or white on every topic are you sure you are not a 33yr old female engineer I know?

 

I can tell your rigid views on the topic have treated you well considering the amount of time you spend here and other forums as well the proof that is your life's "pudding", so to speak. How many 100's of hours of your life have you spent on forums instead of actually living keyboard warrior?

 

Probably read MMSL, NMMNG, and believe in the 180 too all a bunch of crap except for the most extreme cases.......so let's choose a happily married me or your situation? I think I'm winning by a mile!!

 

Hope you LEARN to be more open and not such a judgemental tyrant that would probably serve you well!!

 

Wow!.......Strike a nerve??????

 

This is your opinion of BH? Seriously?

 

You are questioned and disagreed with and have to vivisect a respected poster here? Seriously? Can't defend your position a little more than an all out attack and put downs????

 

Go be happy. Keep your head in the sand and more importantly, ensure your spouse is never informed so the two of you can be happy together. Ensure she never informs you too.

 

It's ok. Many a relationship operates this way and if it works for you, great.

 

As long as no one, and I mean NO ONE ever challenges you on it.

 

When I see a reaction like your's, I can't help musing: Me thinks he doth protest too much.

 

And that doesn't sound like it's coming from a happy place AT ALL, IMO.

[OhGeesh]

Wow!.......Strike a nerve??????

 

This is your opinion of BH? Seriously?

 

You are questioned and disagreed with and have to vivisect a respected poster here? Seriously? Can't defend your position a little more than an all out attack and put downs????

 

Go be happy. Keep your head in the sand and more importantly, ensure your spouse is never informed so the two of you can be happy together. Ensure she never informs you too.

 

It's ok. Many a relationship operates this way and if it works for you, great.

 

As long as no one, and I mean NO ONE ever challenges you on it.

 

When I see a reaction like your's, I can't help musing: Me thinks he doth protest too much.

 

And that doesn't sound like it's coming from a happy place AT ALL, IMO.

 

Actually if you read BH's reply I was attacked first when he made assumptions about cheating which I 100% do not feel like I did. If he is able to make assumptions, so am I correct?

 

I'm not trying to prove my point to anyone that is the point! Many in this thread are trying to PROVE, as if this is math and has a right answer, that their way is the RIGHT way. I'm just giving my opinion as it pertains to me and others are trying to prove their way is right. My point was don't assume you RIGHT is the same as another's belief in RIGHT.

 

Part of the problem, in the US at least, is everyone is in everyone's business. Gossip, "Oh did ya hear?", "Bob, down the street he did?", or "They lost their house etc", "Janies child was?"

 

My example is all I need. In life when humans are faced with traumatic events like infidelity, rape, molestation, hard drug use, abuse, gross failure, etc etc most of the time if that event could be removed from a person's life their life would in fact be better! That is a fact and that is my point!

 

BH said it best when he quoted me in saying "We will agree to disagree!" and that is all that needs to be said.

 

Everything is not black and white!

Edited April 7, 2013 by OhGeesh