Reasons NOT to tell

[BetrayedH]

From your first post...

 

I quickly dropped my life like a jerk and was seeing this girl on the side and after getting caught by my girlfriend of 2.5+ years we officially broke up and the old/new girl and I were together. Our relationship was ridiculously passionate, heated, loud, and all was well for awhile. I felt immense guilt being a part time dad and my heart strings were always pulled by my daugther. After 15 months and now almost 20yrs old I broke it off and said I had to try to be the father my daughter deserved it was hard to do, but I felt the right thing to do. I did love her mother I was snared between two woman it seemed!! Let it be known not a week goes by that I haven't thought about her in some sort of fashion.

 

Sounds like you cheated on your GF (mother of your child at the time), left her for your AP, and then went back and married her but still secretly opined for and kept in contact with your AP in recent years in a fashion you admitted would not be appreciated by your wife.

 

Obviously you don't want your wife to know your true feelings. It seems disingenuous to come here and say that as a betrayed spouse, YOU wouldn't want to know when the fact is that you're from a different corner of the triangle altogether. I don't remotely trust your ability to empathize with a betrayed spouse. The mother of your child took you back and you still don't seem to get it.

Edited April 8, 2013 by BetrayedH

[Steadfast]

I can tell your rigid views on the topic have treated you well considering the amount of time you spend here and other forums as well the proof that is your life's "pudding", so to speak. How many 100's of hours of your life have you spent on forums instead of actually living keyboard warrior?

 

Probably read MMSL, NMMNG, and believe in the 180 too all a bunch of crap except for the most extreme cases.......so let's choose a happily married me or your situation? I think I'm winning by a mile!!

 

Hope you LEARN to be more open and not such a judgemental tyrant that would probably serve you well!!

 

Sorry that this was aimed at you BH. You do not deserve it. Nevertheless, please consider the source. Funny that we read this in a forum, isn't it?

 

I've expressed my position on exposure. None of it regards knowledge and/or fact that the betrayed needs information to make an informed decision. That said, how much knowledge is enough? Too much?

 

Truth being stranger than fiction comes to mind.

[BetrayedH]

Sorry that this was aimed at you BH. You do not deserve it. Nevertheless, please consider the source. Funny that we read this in a forum, isn't it?

 

I've expressed my position on exposure. None of it regards knowledge and/or fact that the betrayed needs information to make an informed decision. That said, how much knowledge is enough? Too much?

 

Truth being stranger than fiction comes to mind.

 

The support is appreciated. I tried to leave it go but if he wants to continue the conversation, I will defend that I didn't make any assumptions since his own words show that to be untrue.

 

As for my time spent here, I will spend my time as I like. I rather enjoy intellectual discussions and am fortunate that I have the time for them.

 

As for being blissfully unaware, I don't think that would have played out in my case. My wife was growing increasingly distant and had, in fact, told me that she might want to separate. She said she needed time and that it might be too late. She left me in limbo hell for 3 weeks and refused to discuss it. I spent those weeks torturing myself about what I had done and did everything i could to fix the ridiculous things she listed as reasons. It was anything but bliss. Eventually I realized that things just didn't add up to being divorce-worthy and trusted my gut enough to buy a GPS. My first emotion when I discovered her cheating was relief. I knew that our mess wasn't on me but on her. The truth had actually set me free. It allowed me to pull the knife out of my back and start to heal. People seem to think that knowing the truth is what hurts us. Leaving the knife in my back is what really did the harm.

 

Steadfast, I would like to discuss exposure more with you but perhaps this thread is not the place. It does seem that you fully support exposure to the BS (which is really what's on-topic here). But I do think that widespread exposure can do more harm than good. BSs may have a right to tell whomever they like (a risk the WS chose to take) and I don't blame those that did but I wonder if it is really wise. I wouldn't want to be the one to motivate my spouse to end an affair. If they want their AP, there's the door. Exposure may be effective at stopping an affair and motivate your spouse to do damage control but it doesn't improve your marriage or make your partner love you. And if I want to reconcile with my wayward spouse (whom I apparently love), do I really want to punish my spouse? I could have easily exposed my wife and her boss for their workplace affair. Sometimes (when I'm angry), I wish I had. But that's an emotional reaction and I'm still not convinced it would have been wise or the "right" thing to do. It probably would have just been revenge. I have a feeling you see it is a similar light but may just have a different way of expressing it.

[OhGeesh]

From your first post...

 

 

 

Sounds like you cheated on your GF (mother of your child at the time), left her for your AP, and then went back and married her but still secretly opined for and kept in contact with your AP in recent years in a fashion you admitted would not be appreciated by your wife.

 

Obviously you don't want your wife to know your true feelings. It seems disingenuous to come here and say that as a betrayed spouse, YOU wouldn't want to know when the fact is that you're from a different corner of the triangle altogether. I don't remotely trust your ability to empathize with a betrayed spouse. The mother of your child took you back and you still don't seem to get it.

 

 

Can't take back what I wrote...........all I can say is ripe old age of 19-20 when that happened!! We both cheated on each other definitely was not a one way street. Using words like Mother of my child makes it seem so Adult........we were college kids being college kids!! Also remember I quickly came to my senses hence not a post about it for the last 3 years!! My true feelings are 100% for my wife! We share everything txt 20 times a day, talk on the phone at work, date night, trips, surprises, date night, adding some freak to the bedroom and keeping it fun after all these years.

 

I am human and when I posted that I was definitely reminiscing way too much. Probably had one glass of wine too much when I posted that.

 

Still doesn't change the fact that in my utopia I wouldn't want to know!

[Spark1111]

The support is appreciated. I tried to leave it go but if he wants to continue the conversation, I will defend that I didn't make any assumptions since his own words show that to be untrue.

 

As for my time spent here, I will spend my time as I like. I rather enjoy intellectual discussions and am fortunate that I have the time for them.

 

As for being blissfully unaware, I don't think that would have played out in my case. My wife was growing increasingly distant and had, in fact, told me that she might want to separate. She said she needed time and that it might be too late. She left me in limbo hell for 3 weeks and refused to discuss it. I spent those weeks torturing myself about what I had done and did everything i could to fix the ridiculous things she listed as reasons. It was anything but bliss. Eventually I realized that things just didn't add up to being divorce-worthy and trusted my gut enough to buy a GPS. My first emotion when I discovered her cheating was relief. I knew that our mess wasn't on me but on her. The truth had actually set me free. It allowed me to pull the knife out of my back and start to heal. People seem to think that knowing the truth is what hurts us. Leaving the knife in my back is what really did the harm.

 

Steadfast, I would like to discuss exposure more with you but perhaps this thread is not the place. It does seem that you fully support exposure to the BS (which is really what's on-topic here). But I do think that widespread exposure can do more harm than good. BSs may have a right to tell whomever they like (a risk the WS chose to take) and I don't blame those that did but I wonder if it is really wise. I wouldn't want to be the one to motivate my spouse to end an affair. If they want their AP, there's the door. Exposure may be effective at stopping an affair and motivate your spouse to do damage control but it doesn't improve your marriage or make your partner love you. And if I want to reconcile with my wayward spouse (whom I apparently love), do I really want to punish my spouse? I could have easily exposed my wife and her boss for their workplace affair. Sometimes (when I'm angry), I wish I had. But that's an emotional reaction and I'm still not convinced it would have been wise or the "right" thing to do. It probably would have just been revenge. I have a feeling you see it is a similar light but may just have a different way of expressing it.

 

This really resonates with me.

 

I showed him the door and wished he and his soul mate happiness. I too felt relief because it explained so much; the emotional distancing, put-downs and criticisms, and his undeserved anger over trifles.

 

Iknew he was falling out of love with me and was clueless as to why. His new, high-powered job was a perfect cover of his affair, so I EFFED up: I trusted him while torturing myself to understand why everything I did or didn't do was taken offense to.

 

I also thought he was planning a future with her based on their words, but just lacked the courage to be honest with me so I told trusted friends and family members because I REALLY, REALLY believed divorce was imminent now that the cat was out of the bag. Why wouldn't it be?

 

I never intended to punish anyone. I just intended to be truthful. So no one was more surprised than I when that seemed like a future with his OW was the very last thing he wanted now that he could have it.

 

Do I regret it? No, I do not. Given the information I had at that time, it seemed like a reasonable disclosure to make.

 

I, too, needed all the support I could gather after having been blind-sided by infidelity, and keeping their secret was just too much of a burden to bear at that time.

[BetrayedH]

To be clear, I wholeheartedly support exposing to friends and family when the true motivation is support. This crap is overwhelming and I wouldn't expect any BS to hide their spouses affair from everyone.

 

I guess I am talking more about proactive exposure to the group that road might list. He would inform both sides of the family, the kids in both families, every friend your spouse ever had, and gives instructions on how to get around the limitations imposed by facebook so you can tell everyone in your known universe.

[Spark1111]

To be clear, I wholeheartedly support exposing to friends and family when the true motivation is support. This crap is overwhelming and I wouldn't expect any BS to hide their spouses affair from everyone.

 

I guess I am talking more about proactive exposure to the group that road might list. He would inform both sides of the family, the kids in both families, every friend your spouse ever had, and gives instructions on how to get around the limitations imposed by facebook so you can tell everyone in your known universe.

 

I have read, probably on LS, of including the members of the church, too, and every email address you can find in their address book.

 

Based on the billboards, the electric signs at the workplace, the spray-painting of cars, even a few tv shows that out cheaters, and others that speak to unthinkable violence when an affair is exposed, I still remain proud of the restraint I was able to show, post DDay.

[dreamingoftigers]

Keyboard Warrior LOL.....

 

For some reason I keep having it go through my head to the tune of "Jukebox Hero."

[lilmisscantbewrong]

The support is appreciated. I tried to leave it go but if he wants to continue the conversation, I will defend that I didn't make any assumptions since his own words show that to be untrue.

 

As for my time spent here, I will spend my time as I like. I rather enjoy intellectual discussions and am fortunate that I have the time for them.

 

As for being blissfully unaware, I don't think that would have played out in my case. My wife was growing increasingly distant and had, in fact, told me that she might want to separate. She said she needed time and that it might be too late. She left me in limbo hell for 3 weeks and refused to discuss it. I spent those weeks torturing myself about what I had done and did everything i could to fix the ridiculous things she listed as reasons. It was anything but bliss. Eventually I realized that things just didn't add up to being divorce-worthy and trusted my gut enough to buy a GPS. My first emotion when I discovered her cheating was relief. I knew that our mess wasn't on me but on her. The truth had actually set me free. It allowed me to pull the knife out of my back and start to heal. People seem to think that knowing the truth is what hurts us. Leaving the knife in my back is what really did the harm.

 

Steadfast, I would like to discuss exposure more with you but perhaps this thread is not the place. It does seem that you fully support exposure to the BS (which is really what's on-topic here). But I do think that widespread exposure can do more harm than good. BSs may have a right to tell whomever they like (a risk the WS chose to take) and I don't blame those that did but I wonder if it is really wise. I wouldn't want to be the one to motivate my spouse to end an affair. If they want their AP, there's the door. Exposure may be effective at stopping an affair and motivate your spouse to do damage control but it doesn't improve your marriage or make your partner love you. And if I want to reconcile with my wayward spouse (whom I apparently love), do I really want to punish my spouse? I could have easily exposed my wife and her boss for their workplace affair. Sometimes (when I'm angry), I wish I had. But that's an emotional reaction and I'm still not convinced it would have been wise or the "right" thing to do. It probably would have just been revenge. I have a feeling you see it is a similar light but may just have a different way of expressing it.

 

I am in agreement with this. My affair was a nuclear bomb. We were church leaders, so the pastors decided to read our names before the church and our spouses were in total agreement with this. The problem is it is a small town. The OM and his wife lived in another town (albeit this was his hometown too), so they could escape, go to another church and slip away with others not knowing (and I believe to this day where they go no one there knows at all).

 

But we couldn't due to my husband's business and other issues. I stayed and faced it all. But the fallout was huge. About 99% of the congregation thought it was so mishandled. I am not taking away MY POOR DECISIONS INITIALLY, don't get me wrong. But this decision was so unlovingly done that it caused widespread damage. The people who needed to know already knew and it was being dealt with. But this was really to punish me more than anything. My xOM was coddled and babied and they rushed to their family to pray with them, etc. They did not do the same for our family - my kids were left to rot as was my husband. The attendance at the church declined horribly, the pastors eventually lost their jobs over the decision and others they made (they will probably never admit they were wrong but they were), and now the new pastor is telling everyone he sees that brings it up that it was totally mishandled.

 

Anyway, limited exposure is wise, but to destroy people is ridiculous. Your partner either wants to stay with you or they don't. And I still have resentment (I'm trying so hard to get over it) against churches everywhere (and there are other reasons), against both my xOM and my husband (because my xOM didn't stand by me like he said and because my husband wanted me punished) and the pastors (who rushed to the side of my xOM leaving my family in the dust because of course women are always the tempters of the weak man). Also, as some may have read my other thread, my husband who has since had his own affair, not doesn't believe in exposure. Go figure?

 

I could go on and on, but I won't. Anyway, although most affairs are similar in makeup and the stories are kind of similar, I think every situation is unique.

 

I know there is another site that preaches full blown exposure, but I think you have to be careful what you do and how you do it and the spirit in which you do it.

 

my .02 cents.

Edited April 8, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[Spark1111]

I cannot speak to your sitch, on some level I do feel it was wrong, so I do feel for you and this huge, full blown level of exposure and humiliation.

 

but, PLEASE Don't ever assume what the BS wants or that we should take a higher road; even if religious...

 

I could NOT have cared less. I refused to be held to a higher moral ground I am NOT your mommy or daddy. I just wanted truth and peace and I resented that you expected I would continue to be the adult so you could be the errant adolescent.

 

SO not fair, yes?

[Realist3]

Unfortunately, I have not had the opportunity to read through this whole thread, but from what I have skimmed it seems to me that one good reason might be not to wreak complete and total havoc on a person you care about. Yes, the betrayal is terrible, but is the coming clean really worth turning a spouses, child's life completely into chaos?

 

I'm looking at this from the perspective of someone who made a mistake. They made a very bad decision and they want to keep their family intact. They have ended their affair. I can't see the benefit to anyone other than themselves of cleansing their soul.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Are there any good reasons not to expose an affair to a BS? I'd love to see a healthy intellectual and respectful discussion on the merits of any/all reasons not to tell. I'm primarily thinking of exposure by an OW/OM but if you have other scenarios where you think someone else shouldn't tell, I think those are valid discussions, too.

 

Until recently, I felt that there were no good reasons to keep such a thing hidden from a BS. A recent thread brought up a scenario where the BS has a terminal illness. Considering the physical toll Dday had on me (lack of sleep and loss of 40lbs), it was a compelling argument to me. If others have compelling reasons, I'd like to hear them and request a respectful debate.

 

 

There is no "respectful debate" on the subject.

 

For in just the same way that to have an affair is extremely selfish and self-centered, to tell your partner/spouse who is unlikely to find out via other channels is extremely selfish and self-centered.

 

That you would even think of telling someone on his/her deathbed that you as their partner/spouse betrayed them, only serves as further testimony to your extremely selfish and self-centered cruelty.

 

 

A further act of pure cruelty toward one's partner is definitely not a logical step when trying to atone for one's purely cruel initial betrayal.

 

 

The idiocy that is "If it were me, I would want to know..." and "wouldn't you want to know if it were you...?" has no bearing on the iron clad reality that you never divulge such things unless your innocent partner may be in danger of learning through other channels.

 

Any betrayed spouse wanting to know so bad would be out there finding out.... The realities are that vast numbers of them swim in the hints and clues all day every day, and they just ignore for reasons of not wanting to know for sure.

[BetrayedH]

There is no "respectful debate" on the subject.

 

For in just the same way that to have an affair is extremely selfish and self-centered, to tell your partner/spouse who is unlikely to find out via other channels is extremely selfish and self-centered.

 

That you would even think of telling someone on his/her deathbed that you as their partner/spouse betrayed them, only serves as further testimony to your extremely selfish and self-centered cruelty.

 

 

A further act of pure cruelty toward one's partner is definitely not a logical step when trying to atone for one's purely cruel initial betrayal.

 

 

The idiocy that is "If it were me, I would want to know..." and "wouldn't you want to know if it were you...?" has no bearing on the iron clad reality that you never divulge such things unless your innocent partner may be in danger of learning through other channels.

 

Any betrayed spouse wanting to know so bad would be out there finding out.... The realities are that vast numbers of them swim in the hints and clues all day every day, and they just ignore for reasons of not wanting to know for sure.

 

Ugh. Perhaps there is no respectful debate possible with you as your arguments are utter hogwash. The position that "any" BS that wanted to know was just in willful denial is simply untrue to a ridiculous magnitude. Wayward spouses take advantage of a trust that was formed by a sacred and legal vow undertaken by the wayward in front of probably a hundred family members, best friends and their God. You don't expect willful betrayal from the person to whom you have dedicated more in life than anyone else and that has done the same for you, in some cases for decades. I was in shock and awe. Who the hell gets diagnosed with PTSD and loses 38lbs from discovering something that they already knew? I am sure that some people saw it coming. But to suggest that vast magnitudes of BSs just shoved their head in the sand is patently ludicrous. We got fooled because the people we trusted the most in life lied straight to our ****ing faces.

[BetrayedH]

Unfortunately, I have not had the opportunity to read through this whole thread, but from what I have skimmed it seems to me that one good reason might be not to wreak complete and total havoc on a person you care about. Yes, the betrayal is terrible, but is the coming clean really worth turning a spouses, child's life completely into chaos?

 

I'm looking at this from the perspective of someone who made a mistake. They made a very bad decision and they want to keep their family intact. They have ended their affair. I can't see the benefit to anyone other than themselves of cleansing their soul.

 

Does the betrayed spouse not also deserve an opportunity to choose to live a single life, just as the wayward spouse did? Why are they held to their end of the bargain while the wayward broke theirs? Why does the wayward get to make the informed decision for the betrayed spouse about what is best for them? Concealing the truth just seems to protect the perpetrator and hide the truth from the betrayed spouse (when it is not the betrayed spouse who has shown poor judgment). Why is the betrayed spouse not afforded the right to make their own informed decision? Does this not seem unfair to you? I understand that the wayward may 'want' to reconcile and hide the truth but why does that mean that the rights of the betrayed be further violated to meet that objective? Hasn't it been about the wayward enough already?

[BetrayedH]

Unfortunately, I have not had the opportunity to read through this whole thread, but from what I have skimmed it seems to me that one good reason might be not to wreak complete and total havoc on a person you care about. Yes, the betrayal is terrible, but is the coming clean really worth turning a spouses, child's life completely into chaos?

 

I'm looking at this from the perspective of someone who made a mistake. They made a very bad decision and they want to keep their family intact. They have ended their affair. I can't see the benefit to anyone other than themselves of cleansing their soul.

 

For what it's worth, I don't want you to think that I am dismissing this argument. As we have all seen, Dday brings a lot of pain with it. I guess what I am getting at is, does that avoidance of pain weigh more heavily than their right to know?

 

The avoidance of pain argument only gains traction with me in one instance and it's reflected in the one and only time I've heard a BS say she wished she didn't know. It was in the immediate aftermath of Dday when her husband's brief affair had ended many years before, he had successfully (?) rebuilt his marriage and eventually confessed. The BS loved her H, had seen years of improvement in the M, and had no intentions of leaving him. Yet she was plagued by mind movies and triggers and said she wished she didn't know. So perhaps unnecessary pain could have been avoided.

 

But at the same time, I wonder if her perspective has changed over time. And I wonder how many of these cases really exist where the wayward turns a new leaf completely on their own forevermore. And how truly successful is the marriage if there is such a huge lie between them that must be taken to the grave? Perhaps their marriage will ultimately be strengthened by the fact that the H was able to share such a difficult admission with his wife. Even in this one case where it seems sparing your spouse is a good choice, I still have doubts.

 

And so considering that the vast majority of BSs say that they would definitely want to know, don't they deserve to have that honored? Shouldn't the default choice be to respect their right to make an informed choice? To do otherwise seems to be making the rule for the exception (and for an exception that isn't terribly convincing).

Edited April 9, 2013 by BetrayedH

[Steadfast]

Steadfast, I would like to discuss exposure more with you but perhaps this thread is not the place. It does seem that you fully support exposure to the BS (which is really what's on-topic here). *SNIP* I have a feeling you see it is a similar light but may just have a different way of expressing it.

 

We do kidd. Obviously, I have not expressed myself clearly. If I had, everyone reading the words would understand my point. They haven't.

 

It was quite the rage for a time to suggest exposure as a method for stopping an affair. A tool for reconciliation. Expose the dirty deed to the cheater's friends, family and employer and allow shock and awe to force the betrayer back. Surely the parents, friends, siblings and supervisors will side with the betrayed? Right? Everyone will join in to shame the cheater back home and back into their original promise. Bonus! Everyone will also know who the 'bad guy' in the marriage is and who is completely innocent.

 

Who wants to try it? I'd love to hear one success story.

 

A deviation from your topic and discussion friend, Now you know. Happy to discuss more if you're interested. This is a good subject to chew on.

[Spark1111]

We do kidd. Obviously, I have not expressed myself clearly. If I had, everyone reading the words would understand my point. They haven't.

 

It was quite the rage for a time to suggest exposure as a method for stopping an affair. A tool for reconciliation. Expose the dirty deed to the cheater's friends, family and employer and allow shock and awe to force the betrayer back. Surely the parents, friends, siblings and supervisors will side with the betrayed? Right? Everyone will join in to shame the cheater back home and back into their original promise. Bonus! Everyone will also know who the 'bad guy' in the marriage is and who is completely innocent.

 

Who wants to try it? I'd love to hear one success story.

 

A deviation from your topic and discussion friend, Now you know. Happy to discuss more if you're interested. This is a good subject to chew on.

 

I exposed but the last thing I wanted was to shame him home!

 

I didn't want him at all and would not even have a reconciliation conversation for months. I threw him out to be with his soul mate.

 

I just wanted the lying to stop and the truth to set us all free to make informed choices for our future.

 

I had no expectation of anything....except an end to the lying, the sneaking around and the subterfuge for ALL of us.

[Spark1111]

Steadfast, no one was more confused than I when the affair went pssssst....in about three weeks after we were all informed and free to forge our own futures.

 

That was when I knew there was much I did not know about affair dynamics and the romanticized movie version was a far cry from reality. Well, my reality as it played out after DDay.

 

Exposure kills affairs not by shame, but by allowing them to become real out in the open relationships.

 

What was once heady, addicting secret moments of stolen trysts and unrequited love is free to become, " Can you pick up a quart of milk on your way home?"

 

And it works a great deal of the time in breaking the trance, lifting the fog, and taking all that secret and forbidden anticipation off the table.

[Decorative]

I exposed but the last thing I wanted was to shame him home!

 

I didn't want him at all and would not even have a reconciliation conversation for months. I threw him out to be with his soul mate.

 

I just wanted the lying to stop and the truth to set us all free to make informed choices for our future.

 

I had no expectation of anything....except an end to the lying, the sneaking around and the subterfuge for ALL of us.

 

Word. Word. ( ten characters. LOL )

[Decorative]

There you have it. "One success story."

 

I'm two.

 

LOL

[CantgetoveritNY]

We do kidd. Obviously, I have not expressed myself clearly. If I had, everyone reading the words would understand my point. They haven't.

 

It was quite the rage for a time to suggest exposure as a method for stopping an affair. A tool for reconciliation. Expose the dirty deed to the cheater's friends, family and employer and allow shock and awe to force the betrayer back. Surely the parents, friends, siblings and supervisors will side with the betrayed? Right? Everyone will join in to shame the cheater back home and back into their original promise. Bonus! Everyone will also know who the 'bad guy' in the marriage is and who is completely innocent.

 

Who wants to try it? I'd love to hear one success story.

 

A deviation from your topic and discussion friend, Now you know. Happy to discuss more if you're interested. This is a good subject to chew on.

 

There was a Dday. On Dday my WS promised NC. When, one week later, I found out that NC did not happen, I exposed the A to the other BS. NC has been in place now for 8 months. I'm not saying we are reconciled or happily ever after. But I wanted and got NC and a chance to recon. Partial success at least.

[where to start]

There was a Dday. On Dday my WS promised NC. When, one week later, I found out that NC did not happen, I exposed the A to the other BS. NC has been in place now for 8 months. I'm not saying we are reconciled or happily ever after. But I wanted and got NC and a chance to recon. Partial success at least.

 

Here is what I'm struggling with:

Aren't you bothered by the fact that you had to expose the affair for your WS to go NC? That it wasn't a choice he made on his own? That perhaps the only reason he has NC with the OW is because she will not allow it? Wouldn't you prefer to know that he chose you of his own free will?

 

I am asking you this because these are the questions that I often ask myself when considering exposure. He says they no longer speak...'cause after years of lies I'm supposed to trust that's the truth, right?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This is the thing I struggle with. So you force your spouse into NC and they don't come to that on their own, are you then keeping someone prisoner?

 

The proponents of it will say it's an addiction and needs to be treated as such, but even though I understand why it is treated that way, isn't that "relabeling" something?

 

I don't know - just thoughts.

[Furious]

This is the thing I struggle with. So you force your spouse into NC and they don't come to that on their own, are you then keeping someone prisoner?

 

The proponents of it will say it's an addiction and needs to be treated as such, but even though I understand why it is treated that way, isn't that "relabeling" something?

 

I don't know - just thoughts.

 

 

On my D-day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well.

 

The discovery of his affair devastated me, not so much that he may have been in love with someone else or not, I couldn't say one way or the other, but it was the lying to my face, the theft of my reality that really hurt.

 

I struggled for weeks about whether or not I should tell the other betrayed spouse. For me, it wasn't about forcing no contact or a ploy in getting my WS back in any way. I was positive I didn't want my husband any longer and was determined to divorce him. What I struggled with was how could I live with myself if the other betrayed spouse was also denied their own reality and the right to their own choices.

 

I did eventually tell the betrayed spouse , I did calmly and with care, I was so scared how he would take it. Luckily he was very kind and was thankful for the truth. He even said that if he had known first he would have also contacted me.

He was and is a good man.

 

I know if the shoe were on the other foot I would have wanted the truth and the right to my own reality and the choices I was denied.

 

I always advocate for the truth, simply.... the truth.

[Spark1111]

Here is what I'm struggling with:

Aren't you bothered by the fact that you had to expose the affair for your WS to go NC? That it wasn't a choice he made on his own? That perhaps the only reason he has NC with the OW is because she will not allow it? Wouldn't you prefer to know that he chose you of his own free will?

 

I am asking you this because these are the questions that I often ask myself when considering exposure. He says they no longer speak...'cause after years of lies I'm supposed to trust that's the truth, right?

 

You cannot force anyone to do anything ever.

 

BUT, after DDay, it is not uncommon for WSs to wish to reconcile for reasons of security and status quo, while continuing to contact the AP.

 

WHY? They still want both and I personally was NOT HAVING IT. I have way too much ego and self-respect for that scenario.

 

IF the WS is SERIOUS about making a choice and re-committing to the marriage, NC is a no-brainier, don't you agree?

 

Just as he would NEVER tolerate me schmoozing via cell or text with my old, pre-married, BFs....he cannot continue to have contact with the person he betrayed me with.

 

If he wants to do that, or continues to do that, he has to leave. I deserve a man who loves and cherishes me above all others.

 

That's what happily married means to me. IF it doesn't mean that to HIM, then we cannot stay together.